05x20 - It Was Twenty Years Ago Today

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, mrs. Conner.

Hi, david. Just get up?

Uh-huh.

I guess sometimes
when you wake up,

You still think you're
in your old house, huh?

Must be hard

To break out of
your old routine.

Yeah, I guess.

Mrs. Conner, these
are my underwear.

You really don't
have to wash these.

Hey, it's just laundry to me.

I don't mind.

I'm a professional.

I'd never want to
embarrass you, david.

Thank you.

Hey, roseanne.

Jackie, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be buying
me an anniversary present.

Still looking.

I want to get you
something you want.

Can you get me into the
witness relocation program?

Trust me, I will get
you something nice.

I mean, o years,
that's a biggie.

David, did you know...

No, jackie, he doesn't know

What we want for
our anniversary.

Oh, o.k.

Oh, 'cause I thought
maybe something

Might just pop out of his head.

What?

What have you got planned

For the big event?

It's going to be so great.

We're going all-out this time.

Starting with a really
romantic prime rib dinner,

'Cause, you know,
the th anniversary

Is the red meat and
liquor anniversary.

Do you know what
you're getting him yet?

It's kind of hard to
surprise him with a gift

When I give him a
gift every single day.

You know, the magic that is me.

We keep waiting for
you to run out of that.

Anyway, I did have this one idea

For a gift.

I don't know, it's
kind of embarrassing.

Come on, embarrassing is good.

O.k...

Well, you know,
how like this year

I'm kind of thinner, you know,

On account of when
I lost my appetite

Working around
food and you and mom?

So I thought I'd get

One of those, uh,

Boudoir photos, you know?

Is that completely nuts?

No! I thought they
cost too much.

I've been doing good
at saving my money

And stealing your tips.

His own private centerfold.

Dan must've been a
very good boy this year.

Well, you know,

He's been with the
company for years now.

This is kind of like his
gold watch, you know.

Plus, it'll get him all
hot and everything.

Excuse me.

Do you guys know I'm here?

Geez, david, I didn't know

You were such a sensitive kid.

He sure is, jackie, and
you've embarrassed him.

Just look at his face.

Nice camouflage, zit boy.

Oh, god.

What are you doing?

Wrapping your present from d.j.

What did he get us?

If I tell you, you
might tell d.j.,

And then he
wouldn't be surprised,

But this is something
you can open now.

Hey...

A gift certificate to
maury's big and tall.

You can get a sports
coat for your dinner.

A man with two jackets.

I'll be the talk of the town.

I don't know how to thank you

Except to ask you to
wrap rosie's present.

Oh, let me see. Oh, dan.

Oh, a shoe rack.

What do you think?

She is not

Going to be expecting this.

It's a good present, dan.

Good, good, good.

Really good.

It's bad, dan.

A bad present, really bad.

What's wrong with it?

I shouldn't tell you,

She's spending so much
money on you this year.

She's doing it
'cause she loves you.

She says that,

But she knows I
don't have any money.

If she really loved
me, she'd buy me crap.

This is love.

Oh, dan, she knows you're broke,

But you could get her
something thoughtful.

Don't you think I wanted to?

This was second on my list.

"Anything but a shoe rack.

Shoe rack."

Don't think practical,
think romantic.

I know you're no good at it,

But it's not your fault.

You're a man.

Probably why my shoes
don't match my bag.

We've shopped all day.

Why don't you get
mom that crystal thing?

It costs too much, deej.

Everything costs too much.

There's a valuable lesson
to be learned here, son.

You can profit from it.

Daddy's in big trouble...

Big, big trouble.

Let's give it up for a while.

I want to use aunt
jackie's gift certificate.

Do we have to go in
the big and fat store?

Big and tall, deej.

Hey, what do you think?

I like it. Let's go.

No, not the right size.

I like it. Let's go.

Nice try, deej.

Why don't you go
join those other kids

Playing in that pant leg?

O.k.

That jacket looks
just great on you, sir.

Black is very slimming.

I'm not here 'cause I'm big.

I'm here 'cause I'm tall.

I see.

Then that jacket makes
you look very short.

So... What do you think?

Under bucks. Sold.

I'll just take a minute
and pin these up.

You'll be out in a sec.

You do a great business here.

Yeah...

The recession's
still on, but, uh...

I think that fitness craze

Is finally starting to pass.

I'm actually short-handed.

Oh, yeah?

You hiring?

Why, are you interested?

Well, it's always been my dream

To work in a place like this.

I mean, I'm big,

So I know how hard it
is to buy big clothes.

I've always wanted to help

The large be better dressed.

Well, this probably
isn't for you.

I'm only looking for
someone till june.

Perfect, 'cause I'd sh**t myself

If I had to work here
longer than three months.

I need some bucks to buy
an anniversary present.

Can you do it on minimum
wage plus % commission?

Sold.

Terrific!

Jim ackerman.

Dan conner.

Thanks. This is great, jim.

Hey, dad, look.

I can get this belt
around me three times.

That's not very sensitive, deej.

A person who has to wear that

Wouldn't appreciate it.

Go run and put it back.

That's just great.

That's the attitude
you need to work here.

Thanks. So, jim,

About our customers,

Who's like the
biggest, fattest guy

You've ever seen?

Are you sure it's not in there?

There's no wedding ring in here.

Have you retraced your steps

For the last two days?

I went from home to work,

Work to home, home to work,

The opera,

Work to home, home to work.

All right.

We've just got to keep looking,

But we've got to
get out of here soon

To get to that boudoir
photo place by : .

I can't take a slutty picture

Without my wedding ring.

I'll look cheap.

Rosie, I searched
through the closet.

I couldn't find it.

It's a wonder you
can find anything

With them shoes
cluttering everything.

Don't worry about it, honey.

You know when you find stuff?

When you stop looking for it.

I'm going to read
this newspaper.

Watch how fast it shows up.

Don't you care that I
lost my wedding ring?

Come on, roseanne.

I pulled double-shift all week.

I'm exhausted.

I'm going to look in
the living room again.

If I don't find it, I'm
getting d.j. X-rayed.

Have you...

Did you try the vacuum bag?

The vacuum bag?

How the hell would it
get into the vacuum bag?

Shh.

Come here. I got the ring.

Are you out of your mind?

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, dan, that is gorgeous!

I stole it from her when
she was doing the dishes

And took it to a jeweler.

I had them put on that
extra band with a diamond.

Those three garnets
represent each one of the kids.

Hey, I don't hear you
guys looking in there!

Get off my back, woman!

That is so beautiful.

How'd you swing that?

I'm paying for it
in installments.

By our th anniversary,

She'll own it outright.

She's going to be blown away.

You can't let her keep looking.

She's going nuts.

This is the biggest surprise
I've ever tried to pull.

I can't give it to
her till saturday.

I guess I have to start
looking in here again.

Whoa, rosie!

Jackie, come here, quick!

Find it?

I think I see it in the drain.

I can see it!

Maybe I could see it

If you'd move your big head!

Oh, there it is.

You're right.

That is my ring.

Are you sure?

Dan, I think I would know

If I saw my own
wedding ring, o.k.?

Take that drain out.

Roseanne, that's a big job.

I don't have the right tools.

I need you to come with me

And talk about
something personal,

And I need to talk about it

Somewhere else

Before : .

Oh, yeah. O.k.

Well, you want to talk to me,

So, o.k., Uh...

I'll go get my coat.

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Yeah, hey, jim. How's it going?

Oh, man, no.

I can't work saturday night.

It's my anniversary.

Well, sure, I want
to keep it, but...

No, I'll be there.

No, don't worry.

My wife'll understand.

Just one thing.

Could you swing by in a ski mask

And drag me off at gunpoint?

Never mind.

No.

Next.

Hold on.

I got it.

This is it. Dan would love this.

A maid's uniform?

This is supposed to
be fantasy, not reality.

Well, don't worry.
I'll find something.

Are those things
like bowling shoes?

You think they spray
them after every time?

Here. Try this.

Ooh, that's really pretty.

Ooh! Hey, how do
I sneak these out

Under my clothes?

You don't have to. They're
yours. Happy anniversary.

Oh, thank you.

Gosh, so beautiful.

Now I'll look like
the kind of hooker

You got to save up for.

O.k., Are we about ready?

Yeah. She's just
getting all trashed up.

Good. So, mrs. Conner,

Are we going to be
using any props today?

I've got a couple
midgets in my car.

What do you mean by props?

All right. Standard
bedroom set. Ho hum.

Hey, jackie, what about you?

I bet you your husband

Would love to see you in this.

Oh, well, don't
have a husband, bob,

But thanks for asking.

Oh. What about your boyfriend?

No. No boyfriend either.

Cool.

Roseanne, come out of there.

I want to see
what you look like.

Oh, I don't want...

You don't want to?

This isn't a good idea.

If the negatives get out,

I'll never be president.

Roseanne, come out here.

Oh, I just don't think
this is a good idea.

I'll just take this home,

Then dan can see
me in it for real.

This way he gets to see
it whenever he wants.

Trust me, jackie, he gets
to see it whenever he wants.

Roseanne, just do it.

O.k.

Good. There. See?

Oh, I'm really proud of you.

This is something you'll
always be glad you did.

Yeah. I've read that
old broad in a cat suit

Had second thoughts.

O.k., Mrs. Conner,
whenever you're ready.

I can't do it, jackie.

Oh, yes, you can.

How important is this
anniversary to you? Very.

And who's the man
you love the most?

Tom jones.

Second.

Dan.

All right. Let's do it.

O.k., Here's what
I want you to do.

Kneel on the bed.
Lean toward me.

Kick your back leg behind you.

Arch your back.
Stick out your chest,

And smack your lips.

Perfect.

Dan. In here.

Did you get my wedding ring out?

Rosie, honey, we need to talk.

So it wasn't in there, right?

No.

Listen, I got some bad news.

We'll have to celebrate
our anniversary

On another night. I
have to work tomorrow.

You got to work tomorrow?

Oh, I get what you're doing.

You're saying you have to work

So I'll hate you,

Then at the last minute
you'll do something great

Like throw me a surprise party

So I'll love you. Right?

Yes. That's exactly right.

Except without the great thing

And the really
nice I love you part.

So you're really going to work?

I've tried everything.

I got no choice.

Yeah, you do. Quit.

I can't. I promised
I'd be there.

You're keeping a
promise to some guy

That you knew
less than two weeks

And breaking a promise
to your wife of years?

This is a very special
anniversary, dan.

It's a temporary job.

Look, don't say any more.

I'll say plenty more.

I can't believe
you're doing this.

You're the most
selfish man in the world.

You don't care about me

Or years of
marriage, only you.

You think I'm so selfish,

And I only care about myself?

I can't quit my
stupid little job

Because I had to pay for this.

It's my wedding ring.

Yes. Your wedding ring.

Oh, baby, you're in deep now.

You got something else to say?

Who the hell asked
you to do this?

What?

Well, you wrecked it.

Did I ever ask you to change
anything about this ring?

I hope you're happy
because you ruined my ring

Just like you ruined
my anniversary.

Oh! Oh, man!

You are something else.

I took a job where
I spend all day

Asking fat men how they dress

To pay for that ring.

You only took that job

So you could go buy that ring

Because you knew you'd be
working on my anniversary

And you needed to get that
ring so I wouldn't be mad.

You are insane.

I'm going to go out tonight

And do exactly what I did

The night before our wedding.

I'll be with friends
getting drunk.

You weren't with friends.

You were with your mom.

My mom can drink my friends

Under the table any day!

Coach, sorry I broke curfew,

But I'm sure I can
play tomorrow.

Dan, I wouldn't go in there.

O.k.

Ever?

Not until I give
you a little advice.

Jackie, I already
took your advice.

You told me not to
get her the shoe rack,

Or she'd be mad.

What a relief
that didn't happen.

Let her cool down,
dan. She's upset.

Did you talk to her?

She asked me if I
knew about the ring.

And you said?

Yeah.

And then?

She and I decided I
should spend the night

On the porch.

So, you're locked out?

Yeah.

Good news. You don't live here.

I was waiting for you, dan.

I'm trying to help you.

Ooh, please, help me some more.

I'm still breathing.

I didn't ask to get
dragged into this.

No, jackie, you never ask.

You just dive in.

The best part is,
she hates the ring.

I know. Give it to me.

Maybe they can
put the ring back,

And you'll only pay for labor.

Good. Do it.

You got to look
on the bright side.

If you hadn't
given me bad advice

And I hadn't taken it

And the anniversary
wasn't wrecked,

And roseanne wasn't mad at me,

I wouldn't get to
spend the night

On the porch.

What do you think?

The shirt looks great.

The shirt's mine. I
tried on the pants.

I think the pants
bring out the shirt.

Hey.

Oh, what are you doing here?

I wasn't done
yelling at you yet.

I thought of a few
more mean things to say.

Roseanne, I don't
need this insanity

During a midnight madness sale.

Well, then maybe we
should take it outside.

I can't. I'm working.

O.k., Well, I'll just
start screaming here.

Right behind you.

I'm going to kick your butt

All the way to yogurt city.

What's this?

Happy anniversary.

Oh, I don't believe this.

You got everything here.

Corn dogs. You remembered
our wedding dinner.

And...

[theme from a
summer place plays]

Well, you know I'm not very good

At saying I'm sorry

'Cause you know I never am,

But I just think I
went too far this time.

And I figure, you
know, after years,

Every man deserves to hear this.

I was wrong.

And after years,

Every woman
deserves to hear this.

I agree with you.

Well, so, don't
you have something

To give me?

Um...

Come on. I'll say yes.

Really?

Promise.

All right.

Roseanne, will
you not be mad at me

For giving the ring to jackie

To have it put back
the way it was?

Why did you do that?
I loved that ring.

Damn it, roseanne,
first you hate it,

Then you love it...

Then I show you I got
it back from jackie

Before she took
it back to the guy

To have it put back.

You may now eat the corn dog.

Now I got to give
you your present,

But you got to promise
that you won't laugh.

Ba-oog!

Gadzooks!

Why, miss conner,
I can't marry you.

I've fallen in
love with another.

You don't think it's stupid?

You're beautiful, honey.

Well, hell, I always
thought you were beautiful.

You really like it?

Yeah.

Good, 'cause I made
you an appointment

Next week,

So you might as well
start shaving now.