03x04 - Like a New Job

[bunniefuu]

Come on!
You're wide open!

Don't just stand there!
sh**t the ball!

sh**t it! sh**t it!
It's up!

I was watching that.

Well, now you're watching this.

Give me that.

Hey, there's no way

I'm going to be watching
Italian basketball.

Oh, look. It's the
spokes-model category.

YAY!

Becky, I can't see.

I'm sorry, Darlene.
Am I in your way?

Well,
we got a -inch TV,

and you got
a -inch butt.

Well, guess we'll just
have to watch my show.

Guess I'll have to tell
mom I was watching first.

You're such a little infant.

You're a pezhead.

Hey, babe.

How long they been fighting?

Let's see. Darlene's
almost now.

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Mother...

She was watching it first.

Yeah.

I'd love to.

Friday night?

I was hoping you'd call.

You want to buy me dinner?

Well, gee.
What's in it for you?

Oh, sure, I put out.
Everybody knows that.

Darlene, what are you doing?

Relax.
He thinks it's Becky.

Oh, ok.

Mother!

I'll k*ll you, Darlene.

Let's do it on video!
Sorry, got to go!

: . Don't dress.

You're dead.

You've been on each
other's case for weeks.

Give it a rest.

Mother, she...

And so did you.

Find something to do.
Go on.

And stop calling me mother.

Well, thanks for your help.

What?

You have nothing to say
about Darlene?

Yes. If only
she'd use her power

for good instead of evil.

The thermostat's fixed.

You just turn this
little doodad here,

the basement heats up,

ready for you to resume
your writing career.

I don't think I'll have time

to pursue that career,

what with my new job.

You get that waitress job?

Yes. Well, it was close,

between me and the other
woman they hired.

It beats sweeping up
at that beauty parlor.

I'm still working with hair,

only now it's in the food.

Come here, woman.
You done good.

Well, good, then.

You must massage
my feet now, knave.

And a dainty pair
of pups they are.

I'll be working
the dinner shift.

You got to take over
around here.

I can handle it.

That means you got to
feed the kids

once in a while,

maintain law and order
around here,

and keep them from
k*lling each other.

Better write this down.

Darlene's hogging the bathroom.

She's doing homework in there.

I need to get in.

Darlene's doing her homework!

Oh, honey!

Oh, it's a proud, proud day.

You want to handle this, Dan?

Nope. You start
your job tomorrow,

I start mine tomorrow.

You got a job?

Yeah, I'm working
in the restaurant

over at, uh, Rodbell's
department store.

The... the one in the mall?

Yeah.

Where I hang out
with my friends?

Yeah.

My mother is going to be there?

Yeah. It's a kick
in the head, ain't it?

You've ruined my life!

You don't think I took the
job for the money, do you?

[Silverware clatters]

You guys behave!

Can I help you?

Um, yeah...

Hey!

Have a seat anywhere.

You guys quit flipping
them spoons!

Coffee?

Yeah, that'd be great.

You know, I, uh...

Oh, there's no cream.

Be back in just a second.

Well, I've had worse jobs.

Spoon.

Spoon.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Would you do something
about those kids?

They're throwing spitballs.

I'll take care of it.
I'll be right back.

You guys have got
to cut this out. Ok?

Yeah, right.
Yeah, right.

I'm sorry, sir.
Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

You could use some help.

It's my first day.

The other waitress
hasn't arrived yet.

Oh, that's a shame.

Wait a minute.

Ta-da!

We look like we were
separated at birth.

[Silverware clatters]

That's your table, sis.

Jeez, they're kind
of cute, aren't they?

I have a couple kids
just their age.

I think I can relate to them.

Get out!

When's our dinner break?
I'm starving.

I'm not hungry at all.
I wonder why.

Ok.

I've got Salisbury steak
and a Swiss steak.

Who gets the Salisbury steak?

I do.

Then you would be
the person to ask.

Which one is it?

Roseanne!

Roseanne!

Enjoy your, uh, thing.

We're out of decaf.
I can't find any more.

See, you just don't
know where to look.

There. Now you're
out of regular.

Hey! Hi, Becky.
How you doing, honey?

Mom, come here.
Come over here.

Mother, could that other
woman wait on us?

No. For one thing,
she's busy.

Then you'll just
sip sodas for an hour

and leave her a quarter tip.

Miss, I'm waiting here.

Well, just a minute, all right?

Go have a seat.
I'll be right with you.

Do me a favor.

Don't come over acting
like my mother, ok?

So what, then...
breast-feeding you is out?

Oh, god.

Miss!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ok, you ready to order?

I'll have a cup of coffee

and a glass of water.

You're not going
to order any food?

Nope.

This ain't my table.

Do you want me to wait
on your daughter?

She looks embarrassed.

Yeah, I'm real
worried about her.

All right, girls.
How you doing?

This is weird,
Mrs. Conner,

you serving us and everything.

Just pretend like
it's over at our house.

Only here they
make me wash my hands

before I serve you the food.

Mother, that's gross.

She's just kidding, you guys.

Well, duh, Becky.

Lighten up, Beck.

Yeah. Lighten up,
Beck. Duh.

Can we just order now?

sh**t.

A cheeseburger, fries, and...

How come you're here eating?

Your dad's supposed
to be cooking for you.

Dad said it's ok.

He's ordering pizza
at half time.

There's a meat loaf
in the fridge.

He must've changed his mind.

Really.

Could we order now?

You'll eat what I bring you.

Just like him, sitting
on his butt watching a game

while I k*ll myself
making a meat loaf,

this time with real meat.

Becky seems like a nice kid.

Yeah, far as you know.

Having a family must be great.

Just being married is wonderful.

Are you a newlywed?

Uh-huh. Been married
three glorious months.

Oh, me, too.

No. Come on,
how long?

years.

Is it as great as the
day you were married?

Oh, better!

And it keeps getting better
and better and better,

until one day you
wake up so damn happy

you explode!

Darlene, you're on
my side of the room!

The bathroom's on
your side, Gidget.

Well, that's your problem, dork.

Hey! Knock it off
up there!

Hey, give that back!

Make me!

Give it back!

It was on my side.

I don't even want it
in the room!

Ok! There it goes!

Hey, that's my sweater!

Yeah, well, let's
see if it can fly!

You scuzz!

Dad, look!

Well, there's something
you don't see every day.

Darlene, come on. That
was my favorite dress!

Like I care. Ha ha!

Look at this, Darlene.

"Darlene Conner, junior
basketball league, ."

No, no, no! MVP!

Becky, you drop that
thing, and you're dead!

Oops.

You dropped it!
Get it!

Hey, hey! Break!

- Ugh!
- Ugh!

All right.
What's going on?

I can't live with her anymore!

She started throwing things!

You two can't
live together? Fine!

You don't have to.

Darlene, you're moving
down to the basement.

What?

Are you kidding?

I'm sick of this.

You do nothing but fight.

You're going to live apart.

What do you think about that?

You're the best, dad.

I'll get my stuff.

And hurry it up!

D.J., go clean up
your room.

Why?

I'm on a roll.

I ought to get more kids.

Hello, dear.
Welcome to Conner manor,

where the children are fed,
the dishes are washed,

and all is serene.

And the bras and the underpants

are all over the front yard.

Most people would have
opted for a pink flamingo.

Oh, that.
A minor skirmish.

I'll have the girls
take care of it.

I hear you totally humiliated
Becky at the mall today.

Yeah. This job's
going to work out swell.

What was Becky doing
eating at the mall anyhow?

She didn't want pizza.

What about meat loaf?

Nobody wanted meat loaf.

Couldn't give the stuff away.

Where are you going with that?

I'm moving down to the basement.

Whose stupid idea's that?

Mine.

Oh. I'll
straighten this out.

The girls wouldn't
stop fighting.

I took care of it.

By separating them?
I never would have.

You told me to
take charge, I did.

You going to overrule
everything I do?

They're never
going to talk again.

Honey.

How can you lay there
and stare at the TV?

Easy. It was quiet...

Until you got home.

It would have been great
having our own rooms.

I don't think
we'd be this close.

Besides, we had fun.

Fun? It was awful.

You used to pour warm
water on my blanket.

I thought I was a
bed-wetter till I was .

You were no perfect sister.

You'd lock the door
when I'd stay out late.

Daddy would get up,
and he'd talk to me.

You started that rumor
I liked Ronny Addison.

You did.

I did not!
You're such a liar!

It was written
all over your diary,

"Ronny Addison,
I love him."

You read my diary?

No.

You read my diary!

I have to work.

Mom, I need your
employee discount card.

I'm trying to work.
Give me a minute.

Jackie, can I borrow
a credit card?

What for?

I saw this great stereo system.

It's , bucks,
so I use mom's ID,

get % off, then
return it full price.

I do that five times,

and I can afford
the system for real.

Not bad, huh?

Darlene, that's illegal.

How would you know?

What, am I sitting
here in a clown suit?

Forget about it,
Darlene. Run along.

We're always going to be poor.

Now, she'd need a receipt
for that, right?

See?
There you go. See?

See what?

Darlene walked right by
Becky, didn't say nothing.

What's the big deal?

Because normally
when she'd walk by,

she'd look at Becky and
she'd go, "hi, geek,"

and then Becky would go,
"drop dead, butch."

They'd have a relationship.

Did you ever wonder that maybe
what's really bugging you

is that Dan decided to put
them in separate rooms,

not you?

That is ridiculous.

No. I might be on
to something here.

Somebody else is calling
sh*ts on your turf.

You don't like that.

Damn! I just may
make detective yet.

And you also may be the
first cop in history

to ever pay for a cup of coffee.

You're hopeless, Roseanne.

What am I supposed to do,

let Dan do whatever he wants?

Do you trust Dan?

Do I have to?

Let him do what
he thinks is right.

But what if I just...

You asked him to take
over, so let him!

Let somebody else do it.

I can't.

You always have to
be the strong one.

I don't know how to be weak.

Wait a minute.

You're weak.

Teach me.

[Sigh]

Hi, babe.

Hi.

Hey, mom.

What's he doing up?

We made a deal.
D.J. Did the dishes.

I'm letting him stay up.

A deal!

Let's go make some coffee.

It will be impossible
to get him up,

and that's going to
ruin my whole day!

It'll be ok.

Why would he let
D.J. Do the dishes?

It's covered with filth!

Breathe! Ok.

Roseanne, I know the
dishes are a mess.

I'll do them.

Now, Dan, if D.J.
Promised you

he would do the dishes,

when is he ever going to learn?

Oh, my god!

Breathe!

I want to go do the dishes.

Roseanne, let him do it.

Give Dan the power
over the dishes.

But he does a lousy job.

You do a lousy job.

He's going to leave spots!

You're going to watch
Dan do the dishes

and not do anything!

You understand?

Want me to dry?

I'm going to leave them
in the rack to air dry.

Spots.

Spots.

I can't find blankets.

Where do you keep them?

Ask your father.

Good, good.

Dad?

You going to bed already?

Bed? I'm doing math.

It's freezing down there.

You didn't come up here
because you were cold.

Yeah, I did.

You're using that as an excuse

to go back to your
old room, true?

No.

Are you making me move back?

I am just over here
breathing with aunt Jackie.

You can stay in the basement

as long as you
want... if you want.

It's kind of lonely down there,

and I would move back upstairs,

but Becky's going
to say I miss her

and "dweeb dweeb
dweeb dweeb."

I'll tell you what. Why
don't you blame it on me?

Tell her I said the
basement was too cold.

All right.
Thanks, dad.

Anytime.

Becky, dad's making me
move back.

Get your crap off my crap!

Thank you, thank you.

No applause.

Yeah, right. Like you
planned she would get cold.

Rosie, Rosie, Rosie.

She didn't come up here
because she's cold.

The basement's heated.

She needed an excuse
to return to her room.

I'm surprised you
didn't pick up on that,

but not everyone can be

as perfect a parent
as Dan Conner.

Oh, I'm truly humbled
by your magnificence.

As am I.

And you know?

I think I'll let these dishes
wait until the morning.

Ladies.

I'm amazed, Roseanne.

You stayed back. You
let Dan handle that.

May I do the dishes?

You've earned it.

Thank you.

Oh... Say, sis.

You might want to turn the
heat in the basement up

with that thermostat there.

You little sneak!

Thank you, thank you.

No applause.

Remember how you taught
me to put lipstick on?

Not on the lips,
around the lips,

so it wouldn't smear
when I got kissed.

God, you were stupid.

I trusted you.

Well, you were no angelic
little sister yourself.

What did I do?

I start going out with Dan,

and you tell him
you're my daughter.

God, he was stupid.

And what about your
imaginary sister?

My imaginary sister?
You made her up.

Oh, yeah. Well...

If she was my imaginary sister,

she was your
imaginary sister, too.

Yeah, but she'd
only talk to you.

That's because she
hated you, Jackie.

Roseanne.

It was all I could do

to keep her from k*lling you.

Admit it. You were the
rottenest sister ever born.

I don't believe I have to
sit here and take that...

And neither do you, Vanessa.

Very funny.

Don't say that, Vanessa.

You'll hurt her feelings.

She likes wearing
her hair like that.

Just grow up, ok?

Hey!

What'd she say about my hair?

Spoon