05x24 - Tooth or Consequences

[bunniefuu]

[Addams Family theme]

Yes, slide, man, slide!

So, who's winning,
Morticia or Gomez?

I'm watching the tv
to look for job ideas.

So far i've got it narrowed down
to weatherman, spokesmodel,

Time life operator,
psychic friend,

And the one I think
I got the best sh*t at:

Castaway.

Yeah, so, do you have any
non-fictional possibilities?

I have an interview today
at the community center

To be activities director.

Good pay, great hours,
and best of all, I get
to wear a whistle.

Yeah, but doesn't
an activities director

Have to be,
you know, active?

Au contraire.

That's what the assistant
activities director is for.

And they said you weren't
management material.

Mom!

What happened?
I don't know.

I went out for a pass,
and when I turned around,

He had fallen off the curb.

It's really bad.

I can see right
through to the bone.

Look how white it is.

No, that's just
your skin, D.J.

You need to wear
shorts more often.

It really, really hurts.

Well, we're gonna send
your dad out to find

That nasty curb
that did this to you.

Here, put your leg up here.

Hurry, it's starting
to puff up.

Oh, i'll get the ice.

Oh, my god!
Are you all right?

[squeals]

My god, it's your tooth.

Cool, can I have it?

[theme]

What?

We did it.

We finally did it.

You're not going to, like,
high-five me, are you?

Well, I don't have anything
to compare it to,

But I think we
did pretty good.

Did you hear that?

What?

My parents are home.

Oh, god, this is bad.

Well, look at it
this way.

At least you won't
die a virgin.

Where are my pants?

What did you do
with my pants?

I ate them in
the throes of passion.

I gotta have pants.

The first clue
to sex is no pants.

Here, hurry up.

False alarm.

Oh.

That is the last time we do
that without our clothes on.

Hey, Darlene, I have
a surprise for you.

Already?

No.

I went down to
our post office box.

Our letters from
the art school came.

New york or chicago?

Both.

We'll open them together.
New York first.

"dear Miss Conner,
thank you for your interest

"in the new york
college of creative arts.

Unfortunately..."

Sorry, Darlene.

Why couldn't they just write,
"dear loser, drop dead"?

"dear loser..."

Well, New York thinks we suck.

Chicago agrees
with New York.

Well, it's official:

We're both talentless hacks

Who will spend the rest
of our lives in Lanford.

Let's party!

I'm so depressed.

Me too.

Do you wanna...

You know, do it again?

Just for future reference,

You never have
to ask that question.

I think that's him.
Who?

The health inspector.

Remember?
I heard he's coming by today.

That's gotta be him.

Let me handle this.

Hi there.

Look, we could play
a lot of games,

We could do a little dance,

But we're both adults.

And we both know you're
the health inspector.

God, what gave it away?

This is my first week.
Is it the suit?

You're far too upscale.

And you don't look like
you eat loose meat too often.

Not with that hard body.

Man, this job has its perks.

Whoo, it's getting
a little hot in here.

Maybe I should take off my .

You just passed inspection,
and so did your restaurant.

No problem.

Hey, Jim, how's the shoe
business treating you?

Starting to pick up.

So, any of these slobs
the health inspector?

Apparently not.

Good, I hate
these damn hair nets.

I say if I want
to get food into my hair,

It's my own damn business.

Let me help you with this.

Oh, Dan, would you please
go to your job interview.

You're driving me nuts.

Well, I just want
to be here for ya.

Look, Dan, we both wish
you hadn't slammed a door

Into my face causing me major
and unbelievable pain,

But you've just got to
put it behind you like I have.

You get your new tooth?

Uh-huh.

Thank god you got that fixed,
'cause I gotta tell ya,

That was starting
to gross me out.

So you wanna see it?
Yeah.

[laughing]

Why didn't--why didn't
you get it fixed?

No insurance.
A new tooth would have
set us back $ , .

Well, you go
to a dental college,

Have a student
work on it.

Yeah, but with my luck
i'd get somebody

Who's there on
a football scholarship.

Fine, put a chiclet in there.
I'm just trying to help.

I'd better go.

All right, now remember,
Dan, when you meet the boss,

Head high, shoulders back,
lips on butt.

That's right.

I was doing lips back,
butt on shoulders.

Well, well, well.

Roseanne running
a restaurant.

What next?
Me in the army?

Well, Leon,
the boss from hell.

You know,
the last time I saw you,

You were stealing my tips
to pay for that hair weave.

Last time I saw you,
you were standing there,

Leaning on the counter,
doing nothing

But sucking up
the oxygen.

Ooh, deja vu!

Well, I see you've finally
saved up enough for a part.

Now, wait a minute,
something is different here.

Have you lost weight?

No.

You've lost teeth!

Ha-ha!

Bumpkin works for you.

So, what, Leon, are you here
looking for a job?

'cause i'm sorry;
we have no openings

For useless
corporate suck-ups.

That's very funny coming
from a jack-o-lantern.

But for your information,
Roseanne, i'm already
employed...

[clears throat]
as a health inspector.

You are jerkin' me,
right?

Oh, how I have missed
that special way you have

Of side-stepping
the english language.

You know, I asked for this
assignment specifically,
Roseanne.

But at first
I was a little worried

That my memory
of your slovenly habits

And your room-temperature iq
might bias me,

But then I thought,
"cool!"

[laughing]

I'll tell you what, Roseanne,
i'll give you seconds

To run around and sweep up
the roach droppings

Into neat
and manageable piles.

So, Leon, have we
ordered yet?

No.

Two loose-meats,
please.

This is my supervisor,
Jeffrey.

So, Leon, what did you
have to do to get this job?

Just shut up.

What? What? What?

Don't say anything.

You never let me
say anything.

Am I smothering
you again?

Oh, my god!

What are you ashamed of?
We're in love.

Just...Stop speaking,
Jeffrey.

Well, so listen, junior,
you scratch my back

And I won't tell
who's scratching yours.

You got a deal.

So, how'd you lose
the tooth, Roseanne?

Darndest thing.

Sittin' here this morning,
making up the meat, you know,

And it just popped out.

It's gotta be
in here somewhere.

Jackie, can I talk
to you for a sec?

Sure.

You know, sooner or later,
they all come to jacks.

That's 'cause you're
so young and hip.

You get us kids.

Well, I do speak the language
of today's youth.

Never mind.

No, come on!
Come back.

I wanna help.

Okay.

David and I both applied
to the Chicago Art School

For next semester.

I sent a bunch
of my short stories,

And he sent a bunch
of his drawings.

You got accepted!

What am I missing?

David didn't get in.

Oh, god.

How's he taking it?

He doesn't know.
Nobody knows.

Nobody.

Wow.

Well, what are you
gonna say to her?

I was thinking
of something like,

"mom, Jackie wants
to talk to you."

No, Darlene,
no, no, not me.

Please, Jackie,
I was gonna run away,

But I don't need rozilla
leveling Chicago

Trying to find me.

Darlene...

I wouldn't ask this of you

If it wasn't a really
big deal to me.

All right,
i'll do it.

[sighs]

But when you're a famous writer,
I want you to dedicate

Your first novel to your
incredibly brave aunt Jackie,

Whose brutal death
made this book possible.

Hey, Jackie, check out
my new mouth.

Got your new tooth?

Oh, it looks great,
Roseanne!

Yeah, I figure white
goes with everything.

You think it's
too white, though?

Well, maybe I won't brush it
for a couple of days

Till it matches
the other ones.

We should celebrate;
let's eat some solids.

Ooh, whoo!

Yeah, she's back!
Maybe some nacho--

No, no, no, right for
the potato chips there.

All right,
drum roll, please.

Yes!

Got any pop bottles
you need opened?

What's in the bag?

No, no, no, no.

Well, I was gonna wait till
you moved into your own place,

But I stopped off
on the way and I got you

These really cool wine glasses
that you wanted.

Oh, Roseanne!

Those weren't
even on sale.

Yeah, I must have
still been real high

From all the gas
they gave me.

How high are you?

'cause I...
Sorta got some news.

What?

Put down
the bag first.

Why?
Roseanne.

Why, Jackie?
Why do I have to
put down the bag?

'cause there's something
that I have to tell you

Which, although it may not
sound like it, is good news.

It's really, really good.

Uh-huh.

But there is a chance
that just for a split second

You may not find the news good,
so please put down the bag.

Darlene got accepted into this
really great writing program

At an art school in Chicago
and she wants to go.

[glass breaking]

Take a deep breath
and count to .

I can't count to .

My head's gonna
explode at six.

Roseanne, try
and be reasonable.

No, i'm not gonna
be reasonable.

She brought this up to me
two months ago

And I told her there's no way
she's gettin' out of Lanford.

Well, maybe you
should reconsider.

Okay, i'll reconsider.

There's no way she's getti''
out of her room.

Oh, great, Roseanne,
don't bother

To put any thought
behind it.

You just go blow up at her in
your own special, psychotic way.

Don't tell me what to do.

You can't go screamin'
at Darlene!

I sure can!

If I don't start
screaming at her,

Then she won't have no idea
why she's getting strangled!

[glass breaking]

Darlene, yeah.

I told her and I think
it went pretty well.

You might want to
get out of the house.

Now!

Roseanne, you up here?

Did you talk to Darlene?

She wasn't here.

Oh, Roseanne.

Jackie, why do all my kids
want to leave me so bad?

Oh, no.
Don't cry.

I'm a lousy mother,
aren't I, Jackie?

No.

You're a great mother.

You're loving and protective.

You're like one
of those mother lions

In the nature films that
carries her babies around

By the back of the neck.

'cept sometimes you
get a little rough,

And you rip their heads off.

Darlene can't leave!

I don't even got the suitcases
back from Becky yet.

But this isn't like Becky.

Darlene's not running
away from you.

She's running
towards something.

She wants a better future.

I guess so.

[sniffs]

I know it's rough,

But you know there's
a lot worse things

Than having
your kids leave ya.

You suppose this is what mom
felt like when we moved out?

I don't know.
I'm still living with her.

I guess there
are worse things.

Yeah.

Eww!
You're grossing me out!

Well, you rubbed
your nose on me.

Well, don't try
to clean me up.

I'm not even done crying.

Look, you raised
a great kid.

She's talented and
smart and independent.

One who can make
it on her own.

Great.

Tell me what I did wrong
so I don't do it again.

Is it safe to come in?

Safe as ever.

She has agreed to sit down
and talk about it,

Which means we've already
won half the battle.

'course the second half is
the real bloody, dangerous part.

Roseanne?

Hey.

Hey.

Darlene, would
you like to...

Begin?

I know you don't
want me to do this,

But it was a whole
different thing

When we were talking
about New York.

Chicago's only, like,
two hours away.

Yeah, that would be
a much quicker trip

To identify the body.

Your mother is now using
humor to help us through this,

And we thank her for that.

I got a scholarship
for tuition,

And the school says I
could live at the dorm

And work at the bookstore
to pay for meals and books.

See how she's got everything
all figured out, Roseanne?

And now, Darlene,
your mother will consider it.

I'm sorry, but you're too young.
The answer is no.

I think you have a little
more considering time

Allotted to you.

Jackie, you've been so very
helpful here in the kitchen,

But, you know, I think
you'd be even more useful

Standing out
in the front yard

Staring directly
into the sun.

Your mother is no
longer using humor.

Now she's just being mean.

Why did I even bother?

Beats the hell out of me.

You know, do you ever
think about my future?

I don't get this.
I thought parents

Wanted their kids to be
more successful than them.

Well, of course
your father and I

Want you to do
better than us.

Why do you think
we spent our whole lives

Setting such
a low standard?

Look, you know, I was
really hoping that you

Would understand how important
this is to me, but to be honest,
it doesn't matter.

I don't care what you say.
I'm going to Chicago
whether you like it or not.

Well, good, you try
going to Chicago, Darlene,

And i'll sic the cops on ya.

That is exactly what
I would expect from you.

Hey.

Can we talk
about this later?

No, let's talk
about it right now.

What's going on?

Oh, don't pretend
like you don't know.

Mark takes Becky and
then you take Darlene.

You got another healy brother
coming over to take my stereo?

What's she talking about?

I got into chicago.

You lied to me?

Perfect.

Hope you have fun.

David.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

So you sleep with me,
and now you're leaving?

What, were you just
using me for practice?

Yeah, that's exactly it.

I think i'm ready
for the regionals now.

You didn't even tell me.

Well, I wasn't gonna
go without you.

Why don't you come with me
and reapply for next semester?

Oh, great idea, Darlene.

What happens if I go down there
and I don't get in again?

Well, at least
we'll be together.

I'll be meeting a lot
of important people.

I'll be able to
introduce you to them.

So what happens if I don't go?
What are you gonna do?

This is like the most
important thing that's
ever happened to me.

I can't turn it down.

Fine.

You just remember
you're leaving behind

The guy who encouraged
you to go to art school.

You're leaving behind the guy
you lost your virginity to.

And you're leaving
him behind with

Your two huge,
angry parents.

[door opens]

Hey.

Let me see it.

Let me see that
beautiful smile.

Oh, you sure got
a purty mouth.

How was dental college?

Oh, it wasn't so good.

I don't think I got
one of the best students.

He actually asked me which one
of my teeth was missing.

Well, next time,
you can go to a real dentist.

Remember that
kooky scheme I had

Where i'd go out every day
and perform work
in exchange for money?

I pulled it off.

[gasps]
I am so proud of you.

My mom always wanted me
to marry an activities director.

Show me your whistle.

Later, if you're good.

I didn't get that job.

Got a job with the government.

Cool.
Our government?

Supervising guys
fixing trucks for the city.

A job with the city?

sick days a year
plus flag day?

Good pay, medical insurance.

And the best part is,
since it's civil service,

No matter how much I screw up,
they can't fire me.

Attaboy, Dan.

But what about holding out
for your dream job?

Honey, when I can't afford
to keep my wife in teeth,

I know it's time
to become an adult.

Now, how's it going?

Well, actually...

No, no.

I don't want to hear
anything bad on my happy day.

Well, Darlene got accepted
into this writing school

Over there in Chicago.

But it's my happy day.

And she said she's gonna go
no matter what we say.

Doesn't she know
it's my happy day?

So I told her if she goes,
we're gonna sic the cops on her.

Aw, man.

This parenthood thing
doesn't look like it did
in the brochures.