05x19 - It's a Boy!

[bunniefuu]

[knocking on window]

David?

Oh, man.

You're not gonna,
like, read me a poem
or something, are you?

Darlene, help me.

What are you doing here?
It's, like, in the morning.

I gotta talk to you.

Is that
what you sleep in?

Well, my pasties
and g-string are in the wash.

All right, look.

I have something
to say to you,

And it's
really important that
you don't interrupt me.

Wait, let me guess.

"Darlene, you just
don't understand.
It's different for boys.

It's gotta be now,
I tell you. Now."

My parents
are getting divorced.

My dad left this morning
with Lisa and Nicky.

Mom wants us
to move back to Michigan.

I don't wanna leave you.

So I think you and me
should go to New York now.

I mean, if this
is too much of a rush,

I can come back
in a couple hours.

Whoa. David,
we can't just leave.

Hey, you're
the one who wanted
to get out of Lanford.

Well, that was after
we got into art school.

What's the difference?

You're right.
What was I thinking?

We'll just show up
to a new york bus station
with no money.

The only thing
we have left to figure out
is who's gonna play me

In Darlene, portrait
of a teenage runaway.

Darlene, you hate it here.

Give me one good reason
not to run away.

Well, it'd make it
a lot harder to
look down on Becky.

At least she had the guts
to go off with my brother.

You obviously
don't give a damn about me.

Ooh, I hope you don't
double dog dare me.

Then i'll have to go.

Fine, i'll go
to New York myself.

I can't live with my mother,
not without my father there.

What, so that's it?
You're just leaving?

What do you care?

Of course, I do!
I love you!

Jerk.

Really? Are you sure?

Yeah, i'm sure
you're a jerk.

No, I mean not-- wow.

Why didn't you ever
say it before?

Hopin' it'd pass.

So then are we going,
or what?

Wait a minute, David.
This is, like,
a big commitment.

I mean, you're talking
about living together.

We haven't even
slept together yet.

Well...

Shut up.

[laughing]

Hey, can I talk to you?

Sure, i'll try
anything once.

Hey.

Oh, well.
Never mind.

Whoa whoa.
What am I missing here?

Oh, it's
no big deal.

We'll talk
about it later.

If you can talk about it
with your mother,

You can
talk about it with me.

Okay.

I need more tampons.

What do you think?

I don't think that's it.

All right.

Well, if I was gonna ask
for something really big,

You'd want me to just, like,
come out and say it, right?

I don't know.
If you're gonna
ask for something big,

I might wanna
see a dance first.

Well, David's parents
are getting divorced,

And he's supposed to move
to michigan with his mom.

And I was wondering,
can he move in with us?

Darlene, if we
were gonna say "no"
to something big,

You'd want us
to come right out
and say it, right?

Well, why not?
I mean, he can
sleep on the couch,

And he'll get a job
and pitch in,

And he wasn't
raised by you guys,

So he's real well-behaved.

I'm sorry, Darlene.
The answer's no.

You don't know
how much this means to me.

I mean, david's
the reason I came out
of my mood last year

And stopped
being so difficult.

You stopped being difficult?

Well, why didn't you tell us?
We would've had a party.

All right, but i'm
a lot better than I was.

And we're not
sleeping together,

So you don't
have to worry about that.

It's just that I love him.
Stop looking at me.

And the fact
that i'm sharing
my feelings with you

When i'd rather
gouge my eyes out

Should prove that
i'm being sincere.

Well, what does
David's mother think of this?

Mrs. Healy's for it.

She's gonna have
a hard enough time
supporting herself.

She also wants him
to finish high school
with his friends.

Okay, Darlene,
you've made your point.

Now me and your dad
will discuss it.

All right.

I just wanna say
that I know this is
the sort of thing

That typical parents
would object to.

I've always thought
you guys were cooler
than typical parents.

No, seriously.

Thank you.

God bless you.

Chair recognizes
the cute guy in the overalls.

Yes. How long should we
pretend to discuss this

Before we go out
and tell her no?

You've gotta admire
her technique, though.

That stuff with telling us
how cool we are
and everything.

And that stuff about
sharing her feelings,

Man, that was reminiscent
of the great Becky conner.

This is her first
boyfriend, Rosie.

It's gonna
be really rough.

I know that, Dan, but, gee,
we can't fix everything.

It'd be nice
to fix one thing once.

We just can't afford it.

Besides, you never
know about kids.

What if he starts
demanding things?

Like food?

I can't believe
his mother's okay with this.

I mean, do you think
she's cooler than us?

Of course she's okay.
She's got the boy.

It's the girl's parents
who do all the suffering.

Well, I just
cannot stand the idea

That in a couple of years,
D.J. will be out there

Making some other
parent's life a living hell.

Yeah.

[both laughing]

Hi.

Hey. How was work?

All right.
We really nailed mom.

Cool. Did she cry?

There's this guy,
or ,

He comes in every day,
he orders the same thing,

He never leaves a tip.

So today, Roseanne
wrote a note to him
from "mom"

That says,
"I want your body."

Not my Rosie.

That's crazy talk!

So, this time
when the guy leaves,

He leaves mom
this huge tip,

And on the way out,
she says, "please, come again."

And he says,
"sure thing, sweet cheeks,"

And slaps her on the butt.
It was a hoot!

Good ol' Bev.

Hey.

Hey, how ya doin'?

Pretty good.

The greatest thing
in the world

Happened with
mom today.

You won't believe it.

Oh, yeah?
What happened?

Well, there's
this old guy

That comes in
every day, you know,

And he always orders
the same thing,

And he never,
ever leaves a tip.

Oh, man,
is he asking for it.

So I wrote him
this note today from "mom"

That says,
"I want your body."

Ha! I can't wait
to hear the end.

Jackie already told you,
didn't she?

Yeah, but I never
really understood--

Jackie!

What?

You told Dan my day again!

One good thing happens,
and you have to come home
and tell him before I can!

It's my day, too,
you know!

That doesn't matter!
He's my husband!

I have been married
to him for years!

It is hard enough
to think of something
to say to him!

Well, what am I supposed
to talk to people about?

We're together
every minute of the day!
We have the same damn life!

[footsteps pound
up stairs, door slams]

Maybe this is a bad time.

No, it's always
like this.

Hey, David.

Why don't
you guys sit down.

We'll talk for
a couple of minutes.

Okay.

[sighs]

Well, David, you know
Dan and I really like you.

We like you a lot more
than we like
your brother Mark.

Probably more than
we even like Darlene.

But there's just
no way we can do this.

This totally sucks.

It's all right.

I mean, you know,
we totally feel
for your situation,

But it's just we don't
let anybody grow up here

Unless we're
forced to by law.

Don't worry about it.
Listen, I have to go.

No, wait a minute.
This isn't over.

Yes, it is, Darlene.
I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry, David.

I'll talk to you
later, Darlene.

Thank you for thinking
about it, Mrs. Conner.

Bye-bye.

You have no idea
what you've done.

You don't think I know?

What are the odds
of you bringing home
another boy i'm gonna like?

Don't you care
that i'm never
gonna see him again?

Oh, it's only
a couple of years.

Michigan's not
that far away.

He's not
going to michigan.

He's running away.

Oh, he's not that stupid.

Yeah, he is.

You have no idea
how stupid he is.

Hey, mom.

Hey, D.J.

How was your day?

Not great.

Although this one
really cool thing happened
with your grandma today.

Oh, you mean the old guy
hit her on the butt?

Great story.

[door buzzer rings]

Coming.

Uh, Barbara Healy?

Yeah?

Yeah, i'm Roseanne Conner.

You know, a couple of
our kids are married,

A couple of our kids
are dating. Hi.

Hi. Darlene's not here.

Yeah, I know, but I was
at the grocery store
around the corner,

And I knew where
you guys lived,

And I thought
I should come over

'cause I wanna
talk to you.

Sure, what the hell.

Well, maybe we would've met
at Becky and Mark's wedding

If either one of us
had been invited.

Well, maybe we'll both
be there for the divorce.

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Uh, listen, I wanna
talk to you about
David, you know.

Um...I think he might
be getting ready
to run away.

What, are you kidding me?

No, and I feel
really responsible, too,

Because I know that
you wanted Dan and me
to take him in.

Take him in?

I wanted you to take him in?

What the hell
are you talking about?

David! David!

Oh, man. You didn't even
know anything about this,
did you?

Mrs. Conner.

What is all this crap
about you running away?

And who said it was okay
with me for you to
move into her house?

And don't lie to me!

Oh, i'm not
running away.

And moving
into her house
was just an idea.

We didn't think
it would hurt to ask.

So you were
gonna abandon me

Just like
your father did.

Mrs. Conner, could you
leave us alone, please?

No. I want her
to stay here

So you can tell her
you're sorry for being
such a pathetic little liar.

Well, he doesn't
have to do that, Barbara.

Yes, he does.

I want you to see
what kind of ungrateful
garbage i've raised!

Hey, I don't mean
to interfere here,
but, you know,

The kids,
they just took a sh*t
at staying together.

It's not like
it's the worst thing
in the world.

Oh, you don't think so?

No, it's not even
the worst thing

Darlene's done today.

Listen to me.

I don't want you
butting in,

Telling me
how to raise my kids.

Take a look at the two
little whores you raised.

Oh, i'm in this now.

You know, if your kid
wasn't here,

I would take
the opportunity
to remind you

That people who live
in glass whorehouses

Shouldn't throw stones.

It's people like you
that give white trash
a bad name.

Mom, please just stop it.
It's over, okay?

I'm not going anywhere.
I promise.

I'd love to see you
try and run away.

You think you could
live without me?

You think you could
survive for two minutes

Out there
in that world unless
I was taking care of you?

You are worthless!
You are a worthless
little bastard!

Okay, i'm changing
my mind.

David, you can
come live with us
if you want to.

Are you trying
to steal my kid?

This has nothing to do
with stealing anything.

Whether he runs away
or comes and lives
at my place,

He is not gonna
stay here with you.

That's not true,
is it, honey?

I wanna live with them.

Look, you know
that I don't mean it
when I do this, baby.

I just--
i'm going through
a tough time now, okay?

I won't talk like that again,
i'll never say it again.

Don't you love me?

I can't keep doing this.

Okay. Get out now!

Okay.

Now!

Come on, David.
We'll get your stuff later.

Let's go home.

Well, it's a boy!

You're moving in?
How did this happen?

Well, Darlene,
it's a real long story.

But you both
got what you wanted,

So welcome to
our family, David.

You're both grounded.

Thanks, mom.

So, David,
you're moving in.

Welcome to
our little home.

Our tiny, little,
cramped, little home.

Thank you.

Roseanne, can I talk to you
for a second, please?

Why, Jackie,
i'd love to talk to you.

We don't spend
nearly enough time together.

Well, it's been
quite a month,

But i'm leaving.

Here are my house keys.
Front door, back door,
dead bolt.

Jackie, you've had
those keys for nine years.

It was symbolic.

You know, it's natural
to feel a little jealous

When we bring
a new person into the house.

But you know Dan and I,
we love you just as much
as we ever did.

And you know what?
You can be my little helper.

I'm gonna start packing.

Until I find an apartment,
I will be at mom's,

Which should tell you
how desperate I am.

Tag, you're it.

Hey. Where you been?

Uh, well, Dan,

I wouldn't ordinarily
do this without you,

But...I went
and had another kid.

Is David out there?

You mean Dan, junior?

Not funny, Roseanne.

Oh, come on,
it's a little funny.

No, Roseanne. No.
We're not doing this.

You told him he could
live here, you can
go back out there

And tell him
you made a mistake.

No. I'm sorry, Dan,
but I can't do that.

So now the kids
get whatever they want.

Becky gets married,
David moves in with Darlene.

Hey, why don't
we let D.J.

Go on that all-sugar diet
he's been pushing?

Well, I didn't
do it for Darlene.

She's the last person
I wanna make happy.

I did it for David.
I couldn't leave him there.

That's what you said
when we found that
lost puppy on the highway.

I don't this
to wind up like that.

I don't wanna have to
put David to sleep.

Dan, I saw
what David lives with,

And I just
couldn't leave him there.

He deserves to move in
with a stable family.

Gee, could I come, too?

You just
don't understand, Dan.

His mother
is really messed up.

That doesn't make the kid
our responsibility.

No, I don't mean messed up
like we're messed up.

I mean bad.

Really, really,
really, incredibly bad.

I grew up
in a house like that.

That bad, huh?

Yeah.

Aw, man.

Well, you know, Dan,
i'll make this up to you.

You're my husband,
and I love you,

And i'm willing
to throw Jackie out for you.

You'd do that for me?

Consider it done.

Oh, look, honey.
Our kids are necking.

So, did you guys
talk about it?

Yeah, it's cool.

Thank you, Mr. Conner.

All right. Well, I guess
i'll show you your
room in the basement.

I don't think so.

First of all,
there will be
no holding hands.

There will be no
looks across the room.

There will be
no touchy-feely,

There will be
no hanky-panky,

There will be
no smoochie-woochie.

And there will be
none of that other stuff

You're not supposed
to know about.

Can we still date?

If you want,
but I don't see much point.

And, David,
while you live here,

You'll be home by curfew,

You will
keep your room clean,

You will be the child
we've never had.

Okay, that's fair.

These are just
the rules today.

We reserve the right
to change the rules
at any time.

For your safety,
for your education,

Or...For
our amusement.

That is the price
of living in
our kingdom.

Welcome to roseannadu.

Mom, is David
gonna live here now?

Yeah, D.J.
Looks that way.

Hey, you.

Just because you're older
doesn't mean you get
to boss me around.

It's not how old
you are in this house,

It's who's
been here longer.

And I put in years.

Don't worry, runt.
David's not gonna
boss you around.

If he wants something,
he'll tell me,

And i'll
boss you around.

Okay, then.
Now, what's for dinner?

Well, in honor of
David's first night here,

I'm gonna do something
that I don't ordinarily do.

I'm gonna order
the pizza myself.

We always get pizza.
I want hamburgers.

I'm with the lad.
Hamburgers it is.

We're getting
pizza, Spock.

Well, David, it looks like
you're the tie-breaker.

Um, burger's good.

My god, I can feel it.

The hormonal balance
in this house has shifted.

And the men
are victorious!

Come, men!
Let us repair to
the living room.

We shall watch
The Three Stooges

And we shall
scratch ourselves.

[both chuckling]

[both]
pizza.

I had a really
great time tonight.

Can we go out
again tomorrow?

I don't know.
Give me a call.

Okay.

I love you, Darlene.

I love you, too.

Good night.

Good night.