05x12 - It's No Place Like Home for The Holidays

[bunniefuu]

I'm never shopping again
on Christmas Eve.

Is there anything
even left on the shelves?

Oh, tons.
D.J.'s getting
a thousand q-tips.

No reason, just
'cause I love him.

Well, at least you got him
something off his list.

You know, mom,
I was thinking,

And I decided that I really
don't want to be there to,

You know, interrupt
your reunion with Becky

And nana Mary, and--

Forget about it, Darlene.

The entire family's got
to be together tonight.

And no matter how many
blood tests I take

To disprove it,
you're a member
of this family.

I won't be that late,
it's just that

David's parents are leaving
and he has to baby-sit

His little sisters all alone.

All alone on christmas eve.

I'll give you five bucks.

You're gonna miss
it's a wonderful life.

Well, it's on again at ,
and : , and ,

And at midnight in Spanish.

"una vida wonderfulmente."

Okay, but you be home by .

And for every minute
you're late,

That's another time
you've got to listen to

It's a Jim Nabors christmas.

Hold it.

What?

Five bucks.

This way she doesn't have
to be wracked with guilt.

Roseanne?

What, are you gonna
be late, too?

No, I'm not coming at all.

It's just, I--

I'm sorry, but Fisher
and I are a new couple

And we're just trying to
develop some "us" time.

Oh, god, that's totally gross.

That is your
therapist talking.

No, it couldn't be,
because I stopped
going to my therapist.

Why? You can't be cured.

Fisher says I don't
need it anymore.

When you're able to
make your own decisions.

Stop harping on
my driving, mother.

You pump the brake.

When there's ice and snow on
the road, you pump the brake.

I was pumping it.

Pump this.

Oh, hello, girls.

Look, a freaking
white christmas.

How you doing?

Oh, enormous corns.

Here, Roseanne, take off
my boots, please.

All right.

So now, you have had these off
in the last year, right?

Look at that,
completely dry.

When I wear baggies
on my feet,

They're dry as a bone.

Jackie, here, feel my feet.

No.
Aw, come on,
feel my feet.

Go on, Jackie, you
know you want to.

Yeah, that's dry.

Baggies!

I think I felt a corn.

Come on, mother, let me
show you the kitchen.

Come on.
Come on, dear.

Oh, I can't wait.

"dear diary, what
did I do today?

Today I looked at a kitchen."

You're not leaving me
alone with the Judds
tonight, Jackie.

[laughing]

Okay, Deej, what does mom's
card say we're supposed to do?

"put turkey in oven.
Turn oven on.

Close oven door."

Ready?

I guess so.

Let's do it.

Man, I hate cooking.

Me, too.

Yoo-hoo!
Happy holidays!

[Marla]
hi, guys.

How's it going?

We're spent.

Question, Nance:

Is there any circumstance
under which you would

Ice and then oil a potato?

No.

Okay, then that's
slice and boil.

D.J., go wash your hands.
You're smudging the cards.

Where do you want me
to put the gifts?
Oh, in the living room.

Did you guys bring
your presents, too?

Oh, that's okay.

We already gave each
other our gifts earlier.

D.J., would you, uh--

Hey, how about grabbing
the rock salt, going out

And salting the driveway?

Okay.

Could you guys cool it
with the, ya know,

Giving each other presents
in front of the kid?

What?

I got her some earrings
and she gave me a sweater.

Yeah, that's what I meant.

I don't want him
to be jealous.

It's cool, Dan.
I get it.

We know how hard you've been
trying to deal with all this,

And I just want you to know
that we really appreciate it.

Yeah, you know...

Some guys wouldn't know...

Who wants a beer?

I'll get 'em.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hey, Beck, where are ya?

Oh, no, you're kidding.

I'm just glad you guys
were smart enough

To get off the road.

Give me the number
of the motel.

No, yeah, i'll tell her
you can't make it.

Sure, we can just send
the gifts to each other.

'course, we were gonna get
you that washer and dryer.

And that speed boat, that'll
be kind of hard to ship.

You guys got one of
those dancing beer cans?

Okay.
Yeah.

Well, we're gonna
miss you, too.

Yeah, bye.

Oh, hey listen, Beck, yeah.

Tell me about
that apartment of yours.

Yeah, no kidding?
b*rned down?

Boy, that's a shame.

Oh, Dan, you know Becky
could be here if
she really wanted to.

Did you tell her
we're having stove top?

Yeah, okay.
Bye.

What happened?

Becky got snowed in
in Wisconsin.

Oh, no.

I don't think we're going
anywhere, either.

They haven't plowed yet,
and the cars are buried.

Oh, man.

I'm going out to the car
and get our stuff.

I mean, it's times like these
when people start looting.

Beverly, come on.

Slow down, mother.

Yeah, remember your age.

You've got a daughter
in a retirement home.

Thanks a lot, Roseanne.

Had to make us stay
and work late, didn't you?

I hope you know you ruined
my entire evening.

Well, what about me?

I wanted to be with
my loved ones tonight

And now I got stuck
with you guys.

Oh, I see what's going on.

You're going to spend all
night ragging on everybody
and making them miserable.

Sure, fun for you.
What about the rest of us?

What happened?

Apparently, I didn't move
fast enough for her,

So she shoved my--
how'd you put it, mother?

"my big butt"?
Into a snowbank.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Roseanne, where did you
hide the scotch?

What are you doing
out of your room?

We want to wait up
and see santa.

Well, come on over here,
lisa and nicky,

And I'll tell you a little
christmas bedtime story.

We like Rudolph.

Well, good for you.

Anyway, once upon a time,

There were these
two little girls,
just like you guys.

And they wanted to wait up
all night to see Santa Claus.

Did they see him?
They sure did.

And it was the most
amazing thing they ever saw.
Really?

Yeah, but it was also
the last thing they ever saw.

Because, you know, I don't
know if you guys know this,

But Santa's elves have
orders to grab all
the little children

Who try and catch
a peek at Santa and
poke their eyes out.

Why do you think they
wear the pointy shoes?

Good night.
Good night.

Oh, I love kids.

The coast is clear
for a little while.

Can this be,
you know, the night?

I don't know, why don't we
just see what happens?

'cause nothing
ever does happen

And it's frustrating
as hell, Darlene.

[tv, indistinct]

What are you doing?

What you want.
Nothing.

So what, now we
can't even kiss

Unless i'm ready
to go all the way?

I don't know, why don't
we just see what happens?

What are you doing?

Forget this.
I'm outta here.

Fine, you want to go, go.

Oh, merry christmas.

[tv]
can't you come out tonight
can't you come out tonight

buffalo girls, can't you
come out tonight

can't you come out tonight,
can't you come out tonight

All right, i'm back.

Don't get excited.

I basically chose
you over death.

[tv]
by the light of the moon

I don't care, Darlene.

There's no adult there,
I want you to
go home right now.

C'mon, mom, you know
I vowed never to use

My teleportation powers
for personal gain.

Trust me, David
and I are fighting.

Nothing's gonna
happen tonight.

All right, damn it,
but don't you
stay up too late.

Remember what I told you
about santa's elves

And their pointy shoes.

Bye.

Well, it's beginning
to look a lot like crap.

Roseanne, if I gave you
your presents now,

Would you shut up?

[in unison]
yay!

Presents!

Bring me those bags.

Here.

Wow, oh my god!

This is awesome, it's some
real expensive camera.

Look at this,
a portable phone!

Wrong presents.
Crap.

These are for
Aunt Sonia's kids.

Here, yours are
over there.

Oh, wow, a salad spinner.

And a cutting board
in the shape of a rooster.

Well, I don't mean to sound
ungrateful or anything,

But these gifts suck.

Sonia's kids got all that
really cool stuff.

I thought we were
you favorite grandkids.

You are, you are.

Eventually, eventually,

I'm gonna have to go
live with somebody.

They got a pool.

Well, just promise us
that you'll linger

Long enough to be
a huge burden.

That reminds me!

Last week I saw your
dead Grandpa Marvin.

He looked wonderful.

When do we get
to open some presents?

Oh, come on, Deej,
we made a deal:

No opening presents
until everyone gets here.

Oh, Dan...

You know, when I was a kid,
my folks always let me open

Just one present early.

Yeah, well, I bet
your folks loved you.

All right, you little mooch.

Yes!

Just one.

[rattles]

Clothes.

Clothes.

Clothes.

Great, now I can invite
all of my friends over

To play with my bathrobe.

You know what, D.J.,

Let's open up our gift.

I bet you're gonna like it.

Okay.

Here.

Cool, a remote control car!

Vroom!
Thank you!

Right. Out of here.

[laughing]

So, Dan, where'd you
stash the toys?

In the closet or the garage?

Neither.
Those are toys.

We wrapped them in clothes.

[oven buzzer]

I guess it's tough
raising a kid, huh?

Yeah, well, I guess
that's something you won't
have to worry about, huh?

What does that mean?

Well, you know, about
having kids and all.

I wanna have kids.

You do?

Well, didn't you kinda
ruin your chance,

I mean, with Arnie, you know?

Well, I don't think that was
exactly the right situation

To have a kid in, you know?

Yeah, who wants
to shave the back
of a six-month-old baby?

I think it might be
the right time now.

I mean, I know it's early
in our relationship,

But, you know, at some point
I think marla and I

Could get pregnant
and have a baby.

Can you explain to me
how you could do that

Without being at all specific?

Sure, Dan, it's easy.

You just get some sperm--

Too specific.

Here, you finish this.

Oh, come on!
You really think
Grandpa Marvin

Would come all the way
back from his grave

Just to ask nana where
his brown slacks are?

I think your nana's
just plain losing it.

All this talk about
an afterlife is nonsense.

When you're gone,
you're gone.

The end.

Oh, so, what?

Next thing you know,
you're going to tell me

That you don't believe
in god anymore neither.

Well, is that a yes or a no?

Well, i'm sorry, Roseanne,

But years of
your husband cheating

Tends to shake your faith.

Man.

You'd think somebody with
a lousy life like yours

Would believe more.

Can we just drop this, please?

No, we can't just drop this.

You think you're
the only person
that's been through stuff?

I've been through stuff.

But I still believe
in god, you know.

I mean, I'd like
to believe that

All the horrible, hideous crap
that I have to wallow through

Every single day of my life,

That at some point
I will find out the meaning to

And the reason for, I mean,

So I can be happy,
you know what I mean?

There just is a god.
There is.

I swear to god there's a god.

And if there ain't,
I've been screwed.

Why are we talking about this?

God and heaven and everything.

It's christmas.

No, it isn't.

It's just another
screwed-up day,

The most screwed-up day this
screwed-up family ever has.

Everybody's everywhere
doing everything.

Nobody's doing
anything together.

And the only person that
makes any effort at all

To be with this family is
Grandpa Marvin, and he's dead.

Well, let's do
something festive.

Right, Nana Mary?

Nana Mary?

[snores]

Oh my god, that would have
been really spooky timing.

I think we're
scaring ourselves.

I suggest we try
to get some sleep.

Roseanne.

I know how to get you back
in the holiday spirit.

How?

Let's decorate Nana Mary.

We can't do that.

She's our grandmother.
Don't you remember--

Salad spinner.

I'll get the tinsel.

Girls!

Stop that, you're being
stupid and childish!

Everyone knows you
string lights from the top.

What's this?

Bought it for you,
you might as well open it.

Oh, yeah, right.

Here.

Oh, wow, these are, like,
professional drawing pens.

I can't keep these.

Whoa, a real animation cell.

This must have cost a bundle.

Thanks.

God, it's snowing
like a banshee out there.

Took me an hour
to walk two blocks.

Hi, Mrs. Healy.

Darlene.

Wasn't expecting you here.

Yeah, well, I kinda
got stuck here.

I hope you don't mind
if I sleep over.

Well, isn't that convenient.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hi, dad, yeah.
She just got home.

Hi, honey.

No, I was at work.

Really?
When did you call?

Oh, well, I got finished early

And I went to maggie's
and I just got here.

What are you doing,
checking up on me?

Look, fine.
You don't believe it?

I'm sick of this, okay?

How many times
did your father call?

He hasn't.

But Aunt Maggie called.

She's been looking
for you all night.

Well, we all know
she's full of it.

She doesn't know what
she's talking about.

Woman doesn't know
what's happening

One minute to the next.

Sure, mom.

What, you calling me a liar?

No, I just said
that she called.

What the hell
do you care?

You really want to know
what I was doing tonight?

Because I will tell you.
Shut up, mom.

Don't you tell me to shut up,
this is my house.
Why'd you even come home?

You apologize.

You apologize to me!

I'm sorry.

Telling me what to do

When you've got your little
girlfriend spending the night.

Dragging conner
trash over here.

Another slut just
like her sister.

Darlene, i'm sorry.

Hey, "slut" didn't bother me.

"just like her sister"
part that hurt.

[tv]
Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, George.

Merry Christmas,
movie house!

Merry Christmas, Emporium!

A tape!
Mom, great.

Those glorious
hollywood musicals.

I hope you don't have it.

Not this volume.

Good, I had an awful
time finding it.

Isn't it funny

That that one special gift
you're looking for

Always happens to be at the
very last car wash you go to?

That explains
my windshield compass.

So, what time did
Nancy and Marla leave?

About an hour ago.

After their sixth encounter
under the mistletoe.

Well, you know
what they say, Dan,

Every time lesbians kiss,
another angel gets her wings.

Morning.

Hey, everybody, how's it going?
Hey, Nana Mary.

Hello, Darlene.
Here.

Hey, you get over here.
We're opening presents.

How was your night?

Oh, it was okay.

David and I made up.

Oh, so, what, did you
make up part of the way,

Or did you make up completely?

No, mom, it was after
Mrs. Healy got home.

Good, at least
you weren't there alone.

Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna
go upstairs.

Will you save me some yams?
I'll be right back down.

Yeah.

See, mom?
I told you there's a god.

[tv]
every time a bell rings,
an angel gets his wings.

That's right.
That's right.

Atta-boy, Clarence.

for auld lang syne...