05x11 - Of Ice and Men

[bunniefuu]

Can I help?

Well, it's kind of
a one-man job, Deej.

I thought you were
playing video games.

I was, but I can't
move my fingers anymore.

I got a tongue twister.

Okay, pal,
let's hear it.

Six sick sheep--
no, wait.

Six sick sheik's sheep--
no, wait.

Six sick sheep--

Hey, Deej, why don't
you call a friend?

I don't have any friends.

Well, let's talk
about this.

What happened to
the friends you made

Playing soccer
last year?

They wanted
to shave my head

And paint it
black and white.

Well, why don't we
pick another sport?

Go get the catalog
from the parks department.

Let's pick something
we can both play.

The sixth sick sheik's
sixth sheep's sick.

Hey, how 'bout hockey?

Oh, hockey, it's, uh,
it's cold, it's wet.

There's all
that skating.

You can skate,
can't you?

How 'bout wrestling?

You know, the old man
was almost a state champ
back in high school.

Were you ever
in a cage match?

Only with your mom.

How 'bout
weight training?

What's that?

That's where
you lift weights.

Then what?

Then you--you put 'em
back down again.

How 'bout, uh,
basketball?
Nah.

Bowling? Boxing?

Handball? sh*t put?

[sigh]

What else they got?

Hey, here's
something cool!

Tap dancing!

Hockey it is.

And I'm gonna be
late for school.

Oh, he's still over
at the skating rink

Learning how to play
hockey with your dad.

D.J.'s gonna
play hockey?

He can't even
walk on land.

Oh, Darlene,

Try to be a little more
positive about it.

Think about all
the cute things

We'll be able to
write on his cast.

Yeah, you're right.

Hockey could be
his sport.

He's used
to being chased

By people
with sticks.

[Dan]
yo! We need
a medic in here.

Oh, my god. D.J.

[Dan groans]

Dan,
what happened?

Nothing.

I had a little trouble

Coming out of my
triple lutz

When I tried to grab
my skate behind my head.

Mom, I'm gonna be

A professional
hockey player.

Great! We'll save all
that money on toothpaste.

Go ahead up
and change your clothes.

He sh**t,
he scores!

Man, I don't think there's
an inch of that rink

My butt didn't get
to know intimately.

Okay, well,
we know you suck.
How about D.J.?

Well, you know how when
they choose sides

And some guy always
gets picked last?

D.J. Would be
right behind him.

Well, can he
at least skate?

Yeah, he can skate.

He just can't stop.

Honey, I'm really
hurting here.

Can you give me a pillow
and a heating pad?

Yeah, sure.

Boy, you had to do

That big macho
hockey stuff, huh?

Couldn't take
a little tap dancing.

Dad?
Huh?

Tryouts are tomorrow
morning at .

I want to practice
some before,

So can we get there
an hour early?

Sure.

[knock on door]

Come in!

Hey, Dan.
Roseanne around?

I brought over
some new menu designs.

Are you all right?

Yeah. D.J.'s
into hockey now,

And I was just
trying to teach him

How to take a fall.

He's a slow learner.

You're kidding.

I was all-pee wee
two years in a row.

I probably got some
stuff that'll fit him.

Hey! Maybe I could even
show him a few moves.

Great.

He's got a tryout
tomorrow morning at .

Gee, maybe I shouldn't.

Sounds like a father/son
kind of thing.

Hey, fisher.
Hey, Roseanne.

I got to go,
so just give me a call.

Let me know which one
of these you like.
Okay.

Better keep Dan
off his feet.

That shouldn't
be too hard.

I'll just strap a pair
of skates on him.

Hit the bull's-eye,
mommy.

Come back.

Whoa!

Oh, you know,

My body used to be
able to take a hit.

Play four quarters
of football,

Still go out
and party that night.

Well, I hate
to be the one

To break this
to you, Dan,

But it's not like
you've got the body

Of some greek god
anymore.

Now it's more like
you got the body

Of, you know,
some greek guy.

Wow! These menus
are great.

Yeah. Fisher says
he normally charges $ .

What's he gonna
charge us?

Well, I told him
he could marry Jackie,

And then we'd make up
the difference.

You know, I tried to get
a hold of her last night.

Have you seen her?
No.

She was supposed to
come over to my house
for dinner last night,

But you know
how some people are.

They totally forget
their family

When a man
gets involved.

Something came up,
okay?

Oh, something came up.
Excuse me.

Oh, sure is fun
working with sisters.

Sorry, Roseanne.

Fisher and I
needed to resolve

Some problems
in our relationship,

And then we broke up.

Oh, you're
kidding, right?

No.

[gasp]
that pig!

How could he dump you?

Roseanne.

No, this is gonna
turn out to be

The very best thing
that's ever happened
to you, trust me.

Fisher has got
nothing going.

He's just a kid.

He's got nothing
going on at all.

He didn't
break up with me.

I broke up
with him.

Are you out of your mind?
Why would you do that?

He's the perfect
guy for you.

It was inevitable,
Roseanne.

We went to the lobo
last weekend,

And I went
into the bathroom.

I came out, and he was
talking to this woman

Who was, like,
his own age.

He's flirting, okay?

So you cut him off
for a couple of weeks.

No. He wasn't flirting,
Roseanne.

They were just talking,
and then it hit me.

They looked
really right together.

He and I are never
gonna look that way.

Oh, you guys look
really great together.

You're so cute, I swear,

It makes me
want to retch, honest.

It's so obvious,

And it's only
a matter of time

Before
he sees it, too,

And dumps me for
a younger woman,

So I dumped him
before he could
dump me.

See, if you're gonna
go disqualify

Everyone
that's gonna dump you,

You're never gonna go out
on a date again.

I have had enough
therapy to know

When i'm in a
self-destructive
relationship.

And since I can't
break up with you,

Then i'm gonna
deal with this one.

Hey, you're not even
listening to me!

No, you're not
listening to me.

If you can't support me,
then stay out of it.

Oh, that is so unfair.

You know I can't
stay out of it.

I'll support your mistake.

Thank you.

[knocking]

I made the team!

I'm an otter!
I'm a fighting otter!

All right, D.J.!

How about a sandwich
for the newest otter?

You go wash up.
I'll make you one.

Yeah, the conner
dynasty continues.

I knew he had to have
some of the old man
in him.

What, did they
take everybody?

Just the ones
that showed up.

Is he gonna get to play?

Only if he brings
a deck of cards.

It's a lost cause.

It's too bad fisher had to
get up at in the morning
to coach him.

Fisher?
What was fisher--

No, never mind.
I don't care.

I don't want to know.

I'm going to go get
some cheese for D.J.

[blubbering]

What was that
all about?

Okay.

Under the category
"failed relationships"
for ,

The answer
is "Jackie and Fisher."

Roseanne, no.

I can't go through
a breakup right now.

It's a bad time
with D.J. And all.

Well, this time,
it's gonna be different.

It'll be the same
as all the others.

She's gonna fall apart,

And then we have
to put the pieces
back together.

How could he
dump her right now

When i'm at
my most vulnerable?

Brace yourself, Dan--
she dumped him.

She dumped him?

Wow. He didn't say
anything about it

At practice
this morning.

Well, that's
'cause he's a man.

You know, he probably
didn't want to ruin

Some precious hockey moment

With some stupid
outpouring of emotion.

Here we go, D.J.,
my little otter.

Fighting otter.

Fierce fighting otter.

So how is hockey going?

Great.

Uh-huh. And how is that
coach of yours?

You know, Fisher?

He's cool.

Oh, great.
Did he mention me?

Yeah.
What did he say?

He said you guys went
to a hockey game once.

How did he say it?
Did he seem depressed?

Has he lost any weight?

Is he seeing someone else?
Talk to me, D.J.

Mom!

Okay, here's the pizza.
How's Jackie?

She's calmed down a lot.
Now she's just hysterical.

Darlene, I need ice cream.

What about the pizza?

No, she's right past
the chewy manic phase

Into the ice cream
depression.

Oh, man. How much longer
is this gonna last?

[Roseanne]
who knows?

This may sound medieval,

But there are still
working convents.

I can't believe
you people.

She's always gonna
be there for us,

And we are gonna
be there for her

For as long
as it takes.

Or until I can figure out

How to get her
the hell out of here.

Here you go, honey.

Your favorite--
chocolate
chocolate chip.

Ahem.

How are you doing?

Ha ha.

Fisher liked ice cream.

Well, that's a rare trait
to find in a man,

But there'll
be other guys.

I'm .

I'm years old.

I had my first real date
when I was .

That's years'
worth of dating.

You'd think
that in years,

Mr. Right
would have shown up.

Well, he probably did,

But you were out on a date
with some reject.

Maybe it's just a bad idea.

I'm gonna call fisher.

What are you doing?

Why aren't you
stopping me?

It's a local call.

No matter what I do,

You can't let me
call Fisher.

You're supposed
to be my support!

If Fisher was here,
he'd never let me
pick up that phone.

Gee, let's give him
a call and find out.

No.

Oh, come on. I want
to hear his side of it.

What did he say when you
broke up with him?

Not much. I did
all the talking.

I just told him
it was too intense.

He was bringing me
flowers all the time.

He was calling me
constantly.

It was, "I love you,
I love you, I love you."

That bastard.

What else did you tell him?

That's about it.

You didn't tell him
the real reason?

Why should I?

I know what the problems
are, Roseanne.

He's too young for me.

He's not
ready to get married,

And by the time
he wants kids,

All my eggs
will be dried up.

I really don't need

To hear him agree
with me, okay?

Okay.

No, it's just crazy.

He's the right guy!

I broke up with him
for the wrong reasons!

I'm gonna call him.

You stink at this.

Okay, Deej, this is how
they line up for face-off.

Now, what position are you
gonna play tonight?

The coach said
i'd be equally good
at any position.

You know, Deej,

It's not important
how well you play

Or how much you play

Or even that you
play at all.

What is important?

That's something
you're gonna have to
find out for yourself.

[Roseanne]
hey, can we have
the pizza in here?

Yeah, okay.

If I don't get it out
there in seconds,

It's free.

So, Deej, you really
want to know

How to play hockey?

Yeah.

All right.

Say this guy's
in front of you,

And he's
got the puck.

What do you do?

Try and steal it
from him?

No. You do this.

Any questions?

Well, there's
a lot of excitement

Here at the Lanford arena

As we enter
the second period

Of the otters' home opener.

The goalie is back
from the restroom,

And the action is resuming,

And the Cinderella story
of the evening

Continues to be young
D.J. Conner on the ice,

Much to the surprise
of his entire family.

And oh,
there's a breakaway!

There's a breakaway!

Young conner
moves towards the goal.

He sh**t.
Oh! He forgot the puck!

And, Roseanne, why don't you
pick us up on the action?

Okay, uh, there's
a little kid--

I don't know his name.

He sh**t the puck
to this other little kid,

And I don't know
his name, either--

Okay, back to me!

What's your take
on the game, Jackie?

[blow]

Back to me again.

[whistle blows]

Hey, that kid's a maniac!

Get him off the ice!
He's gonna hurt somebody!

[crowd boos]

Wow. What a body check.

Who would have thought the
little runt would be a thug?

Hey,
it ain't his fault.

It's that one kid
that took the puck.

Go over there
and make sure
he's all right.

Here you go, Deej.
I got you nachos.

I'll bring you a drink
next penalty.

You know, son, one more
roughing call,

You get the hat-trick.

Oh, man.

Hey.

Hey. What are you
doing here?

I came to see
D.J. Play.

Is it all right
if I sit down?

Yeah, sure.

So how's D.J. Doing?

I don't see him out there.

Oh, he's in his office.

Like
he really cares.

What's that
supposed to mean?

He just showed up
here because he knew
i'd be here.

I can't reach you
on the phone.
I don't want to talk to you.

This is totally unfair. You
can't break up with someone
without telling 'em why.

Tell him why, Jackie.

I don't have nothing
to say.

And stay out of it
for once, Roseanne.

Okay. Fine.
It's your life.

[whistle blows]

She thinks the age
difference is a problem.

You know, she thinks
there's a huge gap

Between and .

I thought you said
you were .

Well, now, see?

This failure
to communicate

Is maybe what's screwing up
the relationship.

Shut up, Roseanne.

I know
what you're doing.

Okay. Okay.
I'm out of it.

She don't think
you want to get married.

Don't--
I didn't say that!

Stop talking to him.

You did too say that.

You said by the time
he's ready to have kids,

All your eggs is gonna
be all dried up.

Can I say something
here?

No. I think you should
let her finish, okay?

She has a very important
point to make, Fisher.

I mean, after all,

You probably will dump her
for some younger woman.

Hold it. I can't believe
you thought that.

As much fun
as we have together,

I never think of you
being older than me.

Oh...
You really
mean that?

Of course I mean it.

I never said I didn't want
to get married or have kids.

We never even
talked about it.

It's a real sensitive
subject for me.

You know, this is crazy.

Why don't we go someplace?

We'll get some coffee
and we'll talk about it.

Yeah,
i'd really like that.

I was miserable
without you.

Well, yeah, me, too.

Will you take your
squabbling elsewhere

So I can see my kid
play his last hockey
game?

Okay, but next time,
stay out of it.

Oh. You're welcome.

Where are they going?

They're going to try
to figure out

How to thank me

For saving their
miserable lives.

My hero.

Hey, look, they're gonna
let the little monster
out of his cage.

[chanting]
D.J.! D.J.! D.J.!

D.J.! D.J.!

[thump]

Ooh!

[whistle blows]
oh! Oh!

[crowd hisses, boos]

Where does a kid get
that kind of hostility?

Did you see how hard
I skated into that goalie?

When I hit him,
I heard something pop.

Yeah, you never forget

The first time
you take somebody out.

Lennie Dillon. .
Collarbone.

We still write.

Hockey's great.

You get to hurt guys
and people clap.

Hey,
you know the whole point

Isn't to hurt somebody,
don't you?

Your mom's real worried

That if you keep
slamming into people,

You're gonna break
something.

But it's fun.

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Here's to the roughest,
toughest otter of 'em all--

The terminotter!

Dad.

Yeah.

Can I have a taste
of your beer?

Nah,
you're too young, Deej.

Just a sip?

Nah, you wouldn't like it.

Please?

Okay, but just one.

Remember that.

Hi. Roseanne around?

Yeah. She's
in the living room.

Aunt Jackie, my knee's
three different colors.

That's great, hon.

You must be really
proud, Dan.

Roseanne, I've got
something to tell you.

Well,
I hope it's good news,

'cause we're out
of chocolate syrup.

I'm moving in with fisher.

What?

Isn't it great?

No, Jackie, it's not great.

Why? I thought
you liked fisher.

Well, I do, but you just
barely broke up with him,

And then the next second
you're moving in with him?

I know, it's a big step,

But I really think it's
the right thing to do.

Well, don't you think
it's just a tad bit

Completely insane?

Why can't you
ever be supportive
of what i'm doing?

I'm waiting for you
to do something right.

Well, I just want you
to be happy for me.

Oh, okay, fine.

Hey! Listen to this.

Jackie's about to do something
really, really stupid,

But it doesn't
really affect us,

So I say we celebrate!

I'm moving in
with Fisher.

Does that mean Fisher
can keep coaching me?

Sure does.

D.J., have you
been drinking?

Come here.

You go upstairs
and brush your teeth.

Well, Dan, I guess
you're just so damn proud

Of your kid out there

Ramming people
and smashing into 'em

That you just had
to celebrate

By giving him his
very first sip of beer!

I had to. The hooker
made him nervous.

Come on. You gave me
my first sip of beer.

That was different.
I was drunk.

Well, Dan, you're so
very proud of your son

Ramming and smashing
into people on the ice

That you just
couldn't wait

To give him his very first
sip of beer, could you?

I had to. The hooker
made him nervous.

Dan!

[clang]

What?

I can't feel anything
on this side.

What's going on?