05x04 - Mommy Nearest

[bunniefuu]

Jackie, hurry up!
I'm next!

Okay, sorry.
I got a few things
for myself.

I'll pay you back
later.
What'd you get?

Just stuff.
Oh, let's see.

Disposable razors,

Amaretto mist
instant coffee,

And a soft-pink
light bulb.

So, who is he?
Who's who?

The guy
you're dating.
What?

I just want to kick back,
have a nice cup of coffee,

And shave my legs
in a flattering light.

He's married,
isn't he?
No.

He's not gonna leave his wife,
you know. They say they will,
but they never, ever do.

Roseanne, he is not married.
He's just a guy I met
at that singles dance.

Okay. So, what's
wrong with him?
Nothing!

He's just young...Er.

Well, how much
younger is he?

Way young? Like,
milk-money young?

No!

Look, he can drive,
he can vote,
so let's drop it.

I'm just not
that comfortable
with it myself.

Well, so, is he cute?
Yes. And he's fun
and he's smart.

Oh, god, he's so smart.
He is so not for me.

God, you have such
low self-esteem.

You're such an idiot.
Well, thank you.

End of conversation.
Can we move the belt
here, please?

Well, now, that's
not what I meant.

What I meant was,
you know,

It's too early for you
to know if he's right
for you or not,

So I think you should
let me decide.

No, Roseanne.
I'm not bringing
this one over.

Oh, come on.
No way.

Oh, come on.
I'll be nice.
You will not.

Dan will.
No.

I am not gonna subject
fisher to your abuse.

"fisher."
[groans]

Roseanne...
Come on, Jackie.
I want to meet fisher.

Come on!
All right.

Okay, well,
dinner on Thursday.

And hey, have you
told him any lies that
I ought to know about?

Just that I'm .

♪ [theme]

[Roseanne laughing]

Well, I hope you like
instant, fisher,

'cause that's all
we got.

Oh, no, that's fine.

Dinner was great, Roseanne.
Everything was delicious.

[chuckles]
yeah, right.

Compliments will only
get you seconds, fisher.

Boy, I'm full.

Attaboy.

So, fisher,
Jackie tells me

That the two of
you met at some
singles dance.

Oh, god.
Oh, I'm just
curious, you know.

How come somebody like you
would have to go to
one of those things?

Well, 'cause--
no, I know
why you would.

I'm talking to
fisher here.

I don't know.
I'm not the greatest
at meeting people,

And so I thought
I'd give it a try.

And then I saw
someone pretty

With great legs
and this terrific energy,

And I thought, wow,
that's somebody
I got to meet.

Wow.
Excellent answer.

Compliments will only
get you seconds.

I'm home.
Darlene, come on
in here

And meet your
aunt Jackie's
new boyfriend.

Now, she's really
sensitive about
the age thing,

See, so we're all
on our best behavior.

Yeah, okay.

Fisher, this is
our little Darlene.

Aren't you in
my science class?

Well, she held out longer
than I thought she would.

What kind of work
you in, fisher?
I'm a commercial artist.

Really? Cool.
My boyfriend draws comics.

Oh, yeah?
What kind of stuff?
Oh, just stuff I write.

You know,
sci-fi, gothic.

He's really
starting to perfect his
disemboweled body parts,

But his vomit still
needs a little work.

I can make
a vomit sound.

Oh, yeah, d.J.?
Let's hear it.
A little tip, fisher.

He can't make the sound
without actually doing it.

You save it
for later, honey.

So, Dan, what business
are you in?

[mumbling]
what?

It's all right.

I used to run a bike shop
but it went under, so now
I'm doing a little dry-wall.

Oh, dry-wall.
Oh, that's very...

[mumbling]
what about you,
Roseanne?

[mumbling]

Well, when I'm not busy

Being an unemployed
housewife and mother,

I try to fulfill my duties
as miss illinois.

[phone rings]

Hello?
Oh, hi, mom.

That's grandma.
Before you ask, she's
getting divorced from grandpa,

Who's shacking up
with some babe
in kansas city.

More coffee?

Yeah, really.
Oh, that's great.

Yeah, well, we're all just
sitting here having dinner.

Jackie's over with
her new boyfriend.

Fisher.
Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah,
like a horse.

Oh, she's just asking
about your appetite.

Well, I just think
that's great!

Yeah, man,
congratulations!

Okay, well,
I'll talk to you
soon, then.

Yeah. Bye.

Mom sold the house.

That was fast.
Is she happy
about it?

Well, uh, you can
ask her yourself.

She'll be here
on Saturday.

[groans]
no!

Now, that's how
we feel, fisher,

But you'll probably
like her.

She's really old.

Well, mom's timing
is perfect.

Must've sensed
I was happy.

Exactly how long
did bev say
she was saying?

I'm not sure.
Too long.

What am I supposed to do, Dan?
I can't tell her
not to come, can I?

Man, she's gonna get
her digs in about
the bike shop, about Becky.

She just can't wait
to get started on me.

You? She's not even
gonna see you.

This blouse is gonna
keep her busy till Thursday.

Thursday?
She actually said Thursday?
[doorbell rings]

Just be nice.

Hello, everybody!
Hi!

I'm so happy to be
with my family.

Dan, how are you doing?

I'm all right.
Hi, mom!

Hello, Jackie.
I'm sorry
about the blouse.

Dan, would you help
mom with her bag?
Sure.

Whoa, this puppy's got
some heft to it.

Hey, a bag like this
has, uh,

How many days' worth
of clothes-- ?

?

?
[Roseanne]
Dan...

So, where are my sweet,
wonderful grandchildren?

Well, they were k*lled
by d.J. And Darlene.

Mom, what was it like

To actually
sell the house?

Actually, it was
a huge relief.

How's dad doing
with all this?

Well, I imagine
he's pretty depressed
by the settlement.

Remember how he always
dreamed of retiring?

[chuckles]
not going to happen.

Boy, you should see the way
your face lit up
when you said that.

Hmm.
And good reason.

Why don't you forget
the tea for a moment
and come sit down?

What's going on?

Now,

You know, I'm going to be
getting a lot of money
from this house,

And I could wait until
I die, but I want to
see it put to good use

Now, when you seem
to need it so much,

So, this is for you.

And since you always
throw a fit when you're
left out of anything, here.

Hey, thanks.

Oh, my god,
it's $ , !
So is this!

Oh, mom, you have
no idea how much
we need this right now!

Oh, god, thank you!
This is amazing!
Mom!

Well, it makes me
so happy

That I have it
to give to you,

And your father doesn't.

I think this calls
for a celebration

At la sizzler.

[yelling]

And we're all
getting our own
plates this time.

It's so important to me
to see you girls happy.

I just wish
I could do more.

So, I was thinking,

Since I sold the house,

Why don't I just
move to Lanford?

And then we can
all be together.

Now, hold the party.
I'm going to go
freshen up.

God, she's good.

We have got to
stop her.

Jackie, the woman
just walked in here

And handed you
$ , .

Well, sure.
Take her side.

Look, we need the money
and she needs us.

I mean, can't you
just work up some more
enthusiasm about this here?

Okay. Maybe I could use
the money to move.

Work with me here.
She is just trying to
butter us up, Roseanne,

So that she can move
to Lanford and we can't
say a thing about it.

Who's moving here?

Dan...
No!

Dan...
No, Roseanne, no!

Oh, come on!

Dan, she needs to be
near her family now.

No, she doesn't.
She may think
she does right now,

But after months and
I have to k*ll her, she'll
realize how wrong she was!

She knew we would all
feel this way, Roseanne.

That's why she's waving
this money around!

Yeah!
What money?

It's from mom.

Yubba.

She's just trying
to buy us, Dan.
Can't you see that?

Yeah, I think
she hit my price.

Actually, she could've
had me for half.

Roseanne!
Honey, honey,
she's your mother,

I'll do whatever
it takes, but...

I just want you
to know one thing--

I want this money.

Would you give me that check?
You are drooling the zeroes
off of it.

Why do you do
all that?

It's a lot of
responsibility,
being a woman.

God made us
the bearer of children,

We keep the human
race going,

And it's all very
drying to the skin.

Well, it hardly
seems worth it.

You know, Darlene,
if you're old enough
to have a boyfriend,

You're old enough to
start a beauty ritual.

After all,
skin is a gift.

I'll remember that.

Did your mother tell you
I'm thinking of moving
to Lanford?

Really?

Will you be moving
before my birthday?

I mean, it's my th,
you know. Pretty big.

My, that is
an important year.

I'm saving up to buy
a cd player.

Sort of a birthday
gift to myself.

A cd player sounds fun.

What do you say
you let your grandma

Buy it for you
a little bit early?

Oh, no. I couldn't
let you do that.
I mean, they're too...

They're too expensive--
the good ones, anyhow.

Nonsense.

And if you like,
we can just keep it

Between you and me.

Sometimes it's good
for us girls

To have a little
secret.

Good night,
sweetheart.

Hey!

Hey, guys.
[Dan]
hey, Jackie.

Roseanne, I have got
words for you--

"loose meat."

I got words
for you too.

No, it's this great
idea I got.

See, every time I make a run
through iowa, I stop at
this incredible little diner

That sells
loose meat sandwiches.

It's kind of like
sloppy joes,
but without the slop.

And anyway, the place
is always packed,
so I'm thinking

Maybe we could pool our money
and open up a place
like that in Lanford

And be like partners.

[bev]
good morning,
Jackie.

You didn't tell me
mom was here.

Jackie, mom's here.

Morning, mom.
We'll talk about it later.

No, please, go on.
I always love to hear
your little ideas.

Yeah, so you can
criticize them.

No, that's not true.
I think it's wonderful
that you have ideas.

If you don't keep having ideas,
how are you ever going to
come up with a good one?

This is a good one.
I have a great idea.

Why don't the two
of you shut up?

Well, I'm sorry,
but your sister
should know better.

Starting a business
these days is insane!

Didn't she learn anything
from Dan's little
bike shop fiasco?

Mom, what part
of "shut up"

Do you not understand?

Well, I can't stand by
and let her encourage you

To waste my money
on one of her
foolish ideas.

Oh, stupid me.
I thought the money
was a gift.

Skin is a gift.

I'll be out
in the car.

Whoa.
Where are you going?
Nowhere.

Oh, we're just going
to do a little early
birthday shopping.

Yeah? Darlene,
what are you trying to
weasel out of your grandma?

Nothing but love.

Bull.
And a cd player.

No way.
What, so you get $ ,
and I get nothing?

Well, you know
what they say, Darlene--

Wealth always skips
a generation.

Out.

No cd player, mom.

How many times have we
had this conversation?

I told you I want you to
stop spoiling the kids.

I wasn't doing
anything wrong.

Well, then why were
you trying to do it
behind my back?

Because you force us
to do things that way,
Roseanne.

No one can do
anything in this house
without you interfering.

Well, that's because
it's my house.

I like it this way.
I like the kids poor.

That way they don't
clash with the furniture.

For god's sake,
why deprive the child

Just because
you're struggling?

Learn from
your mistakes.

What is that
supposed to mean?

Well, maybe if you'd
have been a little
more concerned

About Becky's happiness,
she'd still be here.

Here.
Take your check back.

Jackie's right.
It's never gonna work
with you moving here,

'cause it'll always
be like this.

Fine. Why don't
I just leave now?

Fine!

See you
at thanksgiving!

What'd you invite her
to thanksgiving for?

Can I come in?

It's your house.
You can do
whatever you like.

Well, this is...

Hard for me to say.

Go ahead.
You'll feel better.

I want the check back.

Pardon me?

Well, you gave it to us
'cause we needed it,

And we still need it.

Here. I told you
it was yours.

It's not like I don't
appreciate it or nothing.

Well, you have
a frightening way
of showing it.

I've never felt
so unwelcome here.

Oh, sure you have.

What are you
gonna do now?

Oh, I suppose I'll
go back to moline

And rent a little
apartment.

Maybe I'll buy
some new furniture,

And then I'll just sit
in a room until it's
time to lie in a box.

Well, at least
you have a plan.

Maybe I'll get one of those
life alert things so I'll
have someone to talk to.

Oh, come on, mom.
Don't do this.

Now, would you please
get Dan to help me
with these bags?

Come on, mom.
We all got mad and said
stuff that we didn't mean.

Now, put the bags down
and we'll talk.

[Jackie]
oh, Roseanne!

Get in here, Jackie.

Now, we both know
we can't leave it
like this.

Mom, maybe you could
move here to Lanford

If we would just agree
on some stuff first.

I'm listening.

All right, well,
first of all--

You can't leave
your house.

First of all,

What I say
goes around here.

And no more of
this secret present
crap either.

And I do not want to hear
one more word about

How we screwed up
with the shop or how
we screwed up with Becky.

And I want you to
respect the fact that
I'm an adult

And I can make
my own decisions.

And there are certain things
that I don't want to
hear anymore,

Like "flaky," "skinny,"
"die a spinster."

That's just
for mom, right?

Jackie, I only
tell you these things

Because I want to
see you do something

With your life
before it's too late.

Call us when
you get home, mom.

I can't say anything
to you girls, can I?

Now you're getting it!
What, is that what
you really want?

No, but if you're
gonna move here,

It's just like,
we have to make a lot
of changes, you know?

We'll have to get used to it.
We'll have to change

And you'll have to change.

But right now,
let's start with you.

All right.
What do you have in mind?

Well, maybe it would work

If we just try
being friends.

We are friends.

No, no.
No, we're not.

Isn't she cute?
No, see, friends

Are not judgmental,
and there's camaraderie,
you know.

Friends don't drive you
into therapy.

Therapy?
Who's in therapy?

[whining]
Roseanne...

Not important.

So, how do you
feel, mom?

All right.
I'll be friends.

If I'm wanted.

Jackie...

Okay, friends.

All right, well, now
let's go downstairs
and practice being friends.

Not mothers
and daughters,
but friends.

Not too weird.
[snickers]

All right, this could
be fun. And, you know,
as your friend,

I just want to tell you
you're treating your
mother very badly.

[theme]

Here's one.
bedrooms,

Large patio, and
it's very reasonable.

Hey, Jackie, isn't
that your block?
No.

That'd be great.
You and mom
could be neighbors.

No, you don't want
that apartment, mom.
I know that building.

Bad snake problem.

"snake problem"?
Yeah. Big ones.

Uh, didn't I see
a "for rent" sign, though,

Out front of
the bowman house
next door?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Uh, I just hope
they've hosed all
the blood off the walls.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.
You girls just keep
fighting over me.

Oh, hello.
Come in.

Darlene, your
boyfriend's here!