02x06 - Anniversary

[bunniefuu]

- [singing] down came the rain
and washed the spider out.

Out came the sun,
dried up all the rain.

Itsy bitsy spider

Went up...The spout...
Again.

Aha!

I love that spider.

You know, they could be fussing
and crying.

You start singing that song,
it's musical chloroform.

- That's great, ray.
Look at this.

You told me you took care
of the car wreck guy,

Got another bill from him.

And the pediatrician
is still sending us the bill

Because you haven't contacted
the insurance company.

- [singing]
the itsy bitsy spider...

- Look, ray, I only asked you
to do a couple of things --

- [singing]
went up the water spout.

Out came the rain.

- [singing]
washed the spider out.

- Just next time--

- [singing]
frere jacques.

And I live here in long island
with my wife, debra...

My 6-year-old daughter
and twin almost 2-year-old boys.

It's still warm.

Come on,
what's goin' on?

- Yeah, here. Come here.

Sign your parents'
anniversary card.

- Oh, look, a girl puppy
nuzzling a boy puppy.

Hmm.

Well, you've captured them.

"no bones about it,
doggone it.

We love you!"

I'm sorry.
I can't sign that.

- Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't we send them
the card you bought them?

- Now I get it.
I get it now.

"doggone it"
'cause there's dogs on it.

Very clever.

I didn't see it
at first.

I see it now.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

40th anniversary?

- Yep.
- Wow. That's a big one.

Are we--are we
doing anything?

- What do you mean
are we doing anything?

- Well, I mean...40 years.

Is there gonna be a party
or something?

- Oh!
Is there gonna be a party?

- Well, you know, uh--

- Oh, yeah, I know,

That kind of instant party,

Where the earth
just splits open,

And dancing girls
fly out with cupcakes.

- I'd go to that party.
- Yeah.

Such an idiot.

- What? What?

- You're saying I should throw
a party for your parents.

- I didn't say that.

- Why don't you throw them
a party?

They're your parents.

- Is it so important
whose parents they are?

- Yes!

- I'm just saying
someone ought to,

And parties
are your department.

You're so...Festive.

[door opens]
- hey.

- Hey, robert.

- Here's the ointment
I borrowed.

I don't know what happened
to the applicator.

- You know what? Keep it.

Listen, robert...

Are you planning
to do anything

To celebrate
your parents' anniversary?

- Not really.

Why? Is there gonna be, like,
a party or somethin'?

- Debra doesn't want
to make a party.

- Why should I make a party?

- Well, it is
their 40th anniversary.

- Okay, look, if you two
want it on your conscience

That this occasion
went by and you did nothing,

That's fine with me.

I'm out of it.
I got 'em a card.

- So what do you think?

- A party? I don't know.

- Maybe we should, uh...

Get some chips.

- What, like--
like potato chips?

- Yeah.

- I like barbecue.

- Nice.
- Yeah, yeah.

- How about
sour cream and onion?

No, wait a minute.
Is that too much?

- Well, I mean,
it is their 40th.

- Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.

How about some dip?

- You know what?
We don't need dip.

- Yeah, 'cause the chips
are already flavored.

- Right, right, right.

- All right, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.

What about the main food?

- Pizza?

- Nah.
I had pizza last night.

Chinese?

- No, no.

Dad always imitates
the delivery guy.

- I got it! I got it.

Six-foot hero.

- Six-foot hero!

- Yeah!
It goes with the chips.

- That's good! Good.
We get the chips, sandwich.

We get some ice cream.
Yeah, yeah.

Who can't do this?

- Of course. You see?

Six-foot hero--
now, that's a lot of food.

I mean, who do we invite?

- Well, you gotta figure
a foot a person.

- Right. Okay.

I can invite
my girlfriend, amy,

A couple guys
from the station.

- I can get kevin
and andy--

- Stop! Stop! Stop!
Stop! Stop!

Just stop!

This is your idea
of a party?

- Didn't you hear?
6-foot hero.

- Here.

- Stan, lee, albert, lucy.

Wha-wha-what's this?

- This is a real guest list
for a party.

- Lee and stan?

That's a party?

- This is not for you!
This is for your parents!

You invite their friends.

And you're not having
a hero sandwich.

It's not a super bowl party.

- Not with lee and stan
it's not.

- All right.
You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna make it
a surprise party.

We'll have a nice buffet,

Some crudites, pasta salad...

- I thought you didn't
want to do this.

- Well, I have to now

Because I can't let
this chip fest happen.

- Get a lot of ice.

Put a lot of ice--
- yeah.

- Hey, hey!

- Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

- Hi. Well, you're home early.

How was the happy zone?

- I'm tired!
- Aww...

- Of course you're tired,

Because grandpa was too cheap
to park at the happy zone.

- That lot costs
three bucks an hour.

I found a meter
with time left on it.

- 37 minutes? Ohh!

We had to run back
so we wouldn't get a ticket.

- You call what you do
running?

- I saw other wives
being picked up at the door.

- I wish I could pick up
another wife at the door.

- Maybe we should throw 'em
separate parties.

- Ooh...

That was a wonderful brunch,
you two.

It was lovely.

- But...

- It was a little much.

- We just thought
that you would enjoy

A nice anniversary brunch.

- We don't enjoy things, dear.

- Guess why.

- All right. Come on. Come on.

We're supposed to be
celebrating today, right?

- This marriage is nothing
to celebrate.

- But 40 years,
it's a big milestone.

Think of all
the good times.

- I had one good year.

- There you go.

- The year
I left your mother.

- Surpr--
- what?

- Frank!
The children!

- What's the big secret?
We split up for a year.

I came back, didn't I?

- Wait, wait, wait.
What are you talkin' about?

- We almost got divorced.

- What?

- There's a sad word...

Almost.

- I suppose it can't hurt
to tell you now.

We separated for a year.

It was a terrible time.

- Separated? When?
When was this?

- Oh! It's not important,
dear.

I have to go
to the bathroom.

- Well, I want to know.
No, wait, wait, wait.

- Surprise!

Honk!

- Look, frank, a party.

- Holy crap.

- Oh, look...

- Ma, what is this story?

- Mom, dad,
happy anniversary.

Amy and I have prepared
a few remarks.

- Come with me,
both of you.

- No, no, no.
Your brother's talking.

- [clears throat]

Ehhhh!

"webster's
unabridged dictionary

Defines wedlock as--"

- Just keep toasting.

I'll have them
back in a minute.

- The toast
is for them.

- So's the cake.

- Uh, you know what?

This is just gonna take
a minute, so...

I made a spinach boat,
so party down, everybody.

Hi.

- Hey, I saw cannolis
in there.

- Later.
Listen, I want to know--

- Oh, mel,
thanks for coming.

- You got any
decent scotch?

- Come on.

Mel, please, give us
a minute here.

- I was told
there'd be widows here.

[muttering]

- In there.

When were you guys
separated?

- It was like 30 years ago.

- Ray, I think the time for this
is after the party, okay?

- Nice, raymond.

Very nice.

I practiced.

- Did you know mom and dad
were separated?

- Again?

- Wait, you knew?

Where the hell was I
that year?

- You were
watching television.

- Yeah.

"wild, wild west."

- I'm sorry.

Do you want to blow out
these candles?

- Oh, how lovely.

- No, no, no, no.

No cake until I hear the story.
I'm sorry.

- It's getting very hot.

- All right...

Come on.
Let's hear it.

- Okay.

We'd been living
here in this house.

We had had the kids, and...

When I think about it,

We were a lot like
you and debra.

- What?

- What?
What do you mean?

- Not like us.

- Just like you two.

[theme from
"wild, wild west" plays]

- I think, raymond,
you were six,

And robby was, uh...

- Ten, ma.
It's ray plus four.

- That's right.

But I remember frank and I
were just like you two.

Everything was normal.

We'd had our differences.

But this was the day
I realized the man I married

Had no respect for me
whatsoever.

- Don't make this
a production, marie.

- I remember
I'd been cooking all day,

And you were taking
your own sweet time

Coming down for dinner.

When I think of how many times
I yelled, "frank!"

A nice pot roast,

Little red potatoes,

Carrots
cooked in the sauce.

Before he even tasted
a bite,

He had the nerve
to ask me for salt.

- Salt gives it taste.

- That roast had taste.

It had oregano,
garlic, paprika.

He wouldn't even try it.

- It's my house!

I'm allowed to have salt
if I want!

- Even if it destroys
another person?

[no audio]

- You overreacted.

You're always overreacting.

- You're the one who left.

- You threw me out.

- Champagne for everybody.

- We're busy, mel.

- I've met my bride.
- Congratulations.

- And you thought
I was gay.

- We, uh, should
get out there.

- No, no, no.
Not until they finish.

- Give me a break.

- Please tell me that cheese
is from this party.

- Okay, well,
after your father left,

We didn't talk
for a long time,

And I thought
it was over.

- But then you realized
you made a big mistake

And you got
back together, right?

- Nah. Ray broke his arm.

[theme from "bonanza" plays]

- Wait a minute.

Dad was there
when I broke my arm.

- Yeah, I started coming by
to check on you.

- Yeah, you were very concerned
about raymond.

- He was very sweet
with you, raymond.

- Well, his arm was busted.

- Everything kind of worked out
from there.

[no audio]

- How about that, ray?

There wouldn't even have been
a 40th anniversary

If it wasn't
for your little arm, huh?

- Yeah.

- Can we go now?
I'm out of cheese.

- You just came
from brunch.

- Yeah, like you're not
gonna eat again.

- I'm going in.
You with me?

- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Doesn't that story
bother you?

- No. Why should it?

It's water under the bridge.

We all turned out okay.

Crunch!

- God, all this time

I thought
my parents ruined my life.

It turns out
I ruined theirs.

- You didn't ruin theirs.

They got back together
because of you.

- Right!

They could've stayed apart,

Met other people,

Led happy,
fulfilling lives.

- Your parents.

- They were different then.

Didn't you hear my mom?

Back then, they were
just like you and me.

- Yeah, that was
the worst part of that story.

- Debra, dear, the guests
are dipping their cups

Into the punchbowl,
since there's no ladle.

Is that how
you intended it?

- I'll get a ladle.

And they all lived
happily ever after.

- Do you know
what time it is?

Come to bed.

- Can't sleep.

- Oh, listen.

You got to stop
feeling guilty

About getting
your parents back together.

You know what?

Think of them
as, like, a terrible virus.

If they had met
other people,

The misery
would've spread.

You kept it contained.

- It's more than that.

- Oh, what,
we're on to something worse?

- Yes.

- Okay, what are we
having tonight, ray?

- I don't know.

What if you and me...

- What?

- What if--what if we end up
like my parents,

Staying together
just for the kids?

- That would never happen

Because I would take
the kids

And the house.

Here. You can finish that.

Ray!

What, you don't think
we're happy?

- Yeah, sure,
now we're happy.

It's easy to be happy now.

- But you're thinking,
like, what, in 20 years...

- Well, who knows?

My parents must have
been happy once.

If you look
at their wedding pictures,

They're actually smiling

In some of them.

- Ray!

We don't have
to become them.

- They didn't want
to become them!

Nobody wants
to become them!

It--it just happens!

- Nobody else
can become them.

This happened to them
because they're them!

- No!

It happened
because they settled.

Look, they got back together
because of my arm,

And by the time it healed,

They forgot that they were
never supposed to be together.

Now they're stuck.

Till death do they part.

- Oh, they're not stuck.

I mean, come on,
think about it.

There has to be a reason
other than you

Why that marriage
has lasted 40 years, hmm?

Got to be another reason.

- Yeah.
What might that be?

- Spite.

- How is this helping?

- All I know is,

I love you.

Right?
We love each other.

That's why we're together.

Love.

Isn't that enough?

- Yeah,

If you want to put all
your eggs in that basket.

- I just don't know how
you could say that to maxine.

- What did I say?

- What did you say?

It's called
a mental health facility, frank.

You don't walk up to somebody
who's just been released

And say,
"how was the loony bin?"

- She thought it was funny.

She laughed.

- She laughs at everything,
frank.

She's out of her mind.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi.

Did you see how your father
behaved yesterday?

- There was nothing
wrong with me,

And it's my house!

- So that gives you
the right

To unbuckle your pants
in front of people?

- What people?
It's lee and stan.

And maxine thought
that was hysterical.

- You're impossible.

- What about you...

Wanting to dance.

- It was a party.

- Yes! People are eating.

Exactly why you shouldn't dance.

- All right, stop it.
Stop it, will you?

How can you keep
doing this?

- What do you mean?

We're having breakfast.

- Do you hear yourselves?

- What are you yelling?

We're having
a conversation.

- No, no, no, you're not.

This is not a conversation.

This is--it's bickering.

That's all you do.

- Who are you to tell us
what we do?

Leave us alone.

The next time
you want to dance,

Give me notice
so I can k*ll myself.

- Good.
I'll dance on your grave.

How are the eggs?

- Mmm. They're good.
Could use some more.

- Okay, you want some eggs,
honey?

Sit down.

- Where are the peppers?

- There are no peppers.

You always
ask for peppers,

And then
you get heartburn.

- It's not from the peppers!

Here.
Get in on some of this.

- Here.
Here's the salt.

- Is robert here?

- He's watching television.

How are you eating?

Close your mouth
before you chew.

- Close your mouth
before you talk.

Mmm! These eggs are good.

- Good.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Let me ask you
something.

They're, like, happy
in there, aren't they?

- What do you mean?

- I mean--I mean
they're, like, happy

The way they are.

- Yeah.

Of course they're happy.

Thank god.

Otherwise living here
would be very stressful.

- So I guess it wasn't
just my arm, then, huh?

- Oh, yeah, your arm.

You know, I've been meaning
to tell you about that.

You know how you
fell off your bike?

- Yeah.

- Well, you didn't just
fall off your bike.

- What do you mean?

[theme from
"wild, wild west" plays]

- Well, dad was away
so long, you know,

I figured he might
come home sooner

If you had a little...
Accident.

- Are you...Crazy?

I--I flipped
over the handlebars!

I could've been k*lled!

- Well, I thought of that.

Then dad would have
come to the funeral.

I'm glad we talked
about this.

It's been on my mind.

- How about the time
I fell out of the tree house?

- You.

- Bunk bed collapsing?

- Me.

- Dart in the leg.

- Me. Accident!

- Hamster dying.

- God.

- The time
I almost drowned.

- Lake or ocean?

- Lake.

- You.