02x09 - Married to It

[bunniefuu]

Oh...

you're too much.

I can't help it.
You drive me crazy.

You taste incredible.

I vant to devour you.

Now it's like everything fits.

Mm-hmm.

Oh. Oh.

I think the couch is
getting a bit restrictive.

Yeah. Yeah.

What are you suggesting?

So, am I invited
to spend the night?

I thought you'd never ask.

Mmm.

Maybe if we're very quiet,

they'll just go away.

Shh.

Jane, I know you're home.

Jane, please.

Sydney, now's a bad time.

Let's talk in the morning.

But I've got great news.

Sydney, in the morning.

Mmm...

Michael...

Mmm...

Mmm, Michael...

Don't answer it.

I'm on call.

Damn it, Kimberly.

Hello?

Hello. Is Michael there?

It's for you.

Hello?

Michael, you won't believe it.

I just got a job.

Oh, Sydney, that's great.

It's the place down the block
from the building... sh**t.

Yeah, I know it well.

I'm starting on the lunch shift.

You got to drop in and see me.

Tomorrow.

Uh, yeah. Uh, well,
congratulations.

Maybe afterwards,

we can come back to my place.

You can't believe how much
I miss your body, Michael.

Uh, same to you.

And, uh, have a nice
first day at work.

Sydney got herself
a job at sh**t,

of all places.

Oh, by the way, she says hello.

Michael, I don't care
how lonely she is.

This is weird.

So what do you want me to do?

End this little
friendship... now.

Hey... come... where you going?

Hey, whatever you say.

See, now you have
a really great eye.

This is a Vladimir Nabinksy.

He practically founded the
New Russian Art Movement.

No kidding?

You've no idea
the strings I had to pull

to get the government
to let me show this.

Is this your gallery?

Yeah. I'm Joel Walker.

Matt Fielding.

You look really familiar.

You work out at the gym
on Wilshire, don't you?

Yes, I do.

Yeah, do you?

Yeah. I've seen you there.

I mean, I've noticed you.

I've wanted to say hi.
I guess I was too shy.

Matt, isn't this fabulous?

You'd never
see anything like this,

even years ago.

It's so hopeful.

Yeah, Katya, this is Joel.

He owns the gallery.

Joel, this Katya, a friend.

And wife.

Oh...

how embarrassing.

No, it's okay.
Really, it's okay.

What?

Uh, very nice to
meet both of you.

I don't understand.

Was it something I said?

Precisely.

I'm sorry, Matt.

I mean, how was I
supposed to know

that the guy was trying
to pick you up?

You weren't.

The point is you don't
have to go around

introducing yourself as my wife

when there are no
I.N.S. Agents around, okay?

Katya, this isn't Russia.

The walls don't have ears.

There are no KGB agents
lurking in the shadows.

Okay I get the point.

And for your information,

there no longer exists
a KGB in Russia.

It only lives
in stupid American films.

Okay, fine, Katya.
Whatever you say.

Frankly, I don't care.

Why are you so upset?

Because I liked that guy.

Now he thinks I am married.

So go back there tomorrow

and tell him
that your wife is...

very understanding.

So lunch with Steve
yesterday was wonderful.

Great.

We went to this place,
this dive by the beach.

We talked for four hours.

Four hours?

Yep.

We were ready for dinner
by the time we were finished,

but he had to
get back to his ranch.

This guy's pretty perfect.

Are you talking about me again?

Good morning, Billy.

Didn't take you long to get
back into the swing of things.

Hey, this is confidential.

I don't want Jake
to find out about this.

I can keep a secret.

Who's the lucky guy?

Steve...

Alison's client.

All right. The rich guy.

Or the computer nerd,

as Alison once described him.

Billy...

Trust me.

A nerd he is not.

I know he's not. I've seen him.

So, has he called?

As a matter of fact, he has.

We're going out tomorrow night.

He told me to
choose someplace casual.

Oh, this is really
turning into something.

I don't know. We'll see.

To tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night.

Who is it?

It's me.

May I take your order?

What are you doing?

It's what I tried
to tell you last night.

I got a job, Jane, at sh**t.

Oh, Well, congratulations.

You won't have to worry

about me asking you for money.

Hi, Robert.

Sydney got a job at sh**t.

That's great.

Are you off on Sunday night?

Yeah, I think so.

My parents will be in town.

Jane's going to cook dinner.

Why not join us...

if it's okay with Jane.

Well, yeah. Of course.

I can't.

I'll be working.

It feels so great
to finally have a job.

Drop in anytime.

Drinks are on me.

Bye. Bye.

You are just determined...

to see us get along,

aren't you?

I spend hours a day

helping people get divorced.

Reconciliations are a hobby.

Come on. She's not that bad.

Michael couldn't stand her.

Well, I'm not Michael.

Although I am wearing his tie.

Found it in the closet.

I hope you don't mind.

No, I don't. Not at all.

Hi, Joel.

Hey, a true art lover.

Came back so you could
actually see the artwork.

Actually, I came to see you.

You did?

Yeah, last night, you had
absolutely no reason

to be embarrassed.

Thanks.

I think I'm over it.

You see, my wife,
she's really not my wife.

Oh, no.

Legally, yes,

but she's really just a friend.

I married her so that she
could stay in the country.

I see.

So, I really wasn't that far
off the mark last night.

No.

Not at all.

So...

how do you feel
about having dinner...

with a married man?

I generally make it
a rule not to,

but given the circumstances...

Great.

I'm glad we could clear up

this little misunderstanding.

Um...

I have theater tickets
Saturday night.

You interested?

I'd love to.

Katya...

Matt, I've been looking for you.

You'll be happy to know

that I went down to the gallery

and straightened
everything out with Joel.

We're going out Saturday night.

Great.

You see? I told you.

Now I got news for you
that isn't so wonderful.

What?

An agent from the I.N.S.
called me here

at the hospital.

They want to conduct
a home visit...

this Sunday.

That quickly.

What are we going to do?

It means Nikki and I
are going to move in,

at least temporarily.

And you and I, my darling,

are going to convince this man

that we're very much in love.

Hello, Michael. Sydney...

What are you doing here?

Just came to say hello.

Yeah, well, you're just going
to have to say goodbye.

I told you before
it's over, Sydney.

Don't worry.
I checked Kimberly's schedule.

She's working all night.

Something's telling me

you're not getting
the message here.

Now, get up and skedaddle.

Michael...

are you in love with Kimberly?

I...

I'm... I'm...

we're together.

We're together. So?

I will do anything you want.

Anything.

Michael... I love you.

God, I love you.

Do you love me?

Oh...

Do you love me?

Yes.

Oh, Michael.

Yes.

Michael...

Oh, my God.

Kimberly... Kimberly, wait.

You bastard.

God.

Kimberly!

Kimberly, wait.

Warm goat cheese salad.
Oh, oh, oh, and then,

I found this great recipe

for baked sea bass with fennel.

Robert, they're your parents.

I want to impress them.

That's my door.
You want to hold on or...

Okay well, have a great day,

and don't let them wear you out.

Okay I'll talk to you tonight.

I miss you.

Bye.

Coming.

What can I do for you, Kimberly?

I just wanted you
to be the first to know

that's it's over
between me and Michael.

Well, congratulations.

And what makes you think
I give a damn?

I think that we have
something to talk about.

May I please come in, Jane?

No, I'd rather you didn't.

Why don't you say
what you're going to say

and make it quick?

Fine.

I found Michael in bed
with your sister.

What?

What are you talking about?

You didn't know?

She's been coming around
for weeks now,

baking him lasagna,
doing his wash.

I mean, God knows how long
this has been going on.

Probably way before me.

Get out. Don't touch me.

You're a liar,
Michael dumped you,

and now you're trying
to taking it out on me.

I'm not, Jane.

At first I thought it was you,

until Sydney turned around
and gave me this little smile

like she wanted it to happen.

I don't think you heard me.

I said get out.

Fine.

I'm leaving, but trust me, Jane,

I did you a favor

splitting up your marriage

because that man is sick.

Syd, Syd...

table five's yelling for you.

I already brought their drinks

and hung their appetizer order.

Oh...

Thanks, Ellen.

Saturday lunches are K*llers.

You'll get the hang of it.

Thanks. Mm-hmm.

Okay, that's two
bacon cheeseburgers,

medium rare...

Thank you.

Chinese chicken salad,
and a garden vegetable,

ranch on the side.

Is there anything else
I can get for you?

Yes.

I specifically requested
no scallions.

May we have a word?

Excuse me.

I'll be right back with this.

Can't you see I'm working?

Excuse me, waitress?

I'll be right there.
This is gonna have to wait.

Sydney...

Kimberly came by
the apartment this morning

and said something

that I really couldn't believe.

She said that she found you
in bed with Michael.

Please tell me
that she was lying.

Oh, my God, Sydney.

It's like
I told you before, Jane.

He wouldn't leave me alone,

he kept calling,
asking to see me.

And I told you not to.

I know.

But when I got this job, there
nobody to be excited for me.

I knew Michael would be.

So I went over to see him,

to tell him the news.

He practically r*ped me.

Miss...

I'd really like
that chicken salad.

In a minute.

Sydney, are you saying that
Michael r*ped you?

Is that what you're saying?

I don't know.

It's just that nobody has
been paying attention to me

since I've been out here.

I was just looking for
a little understanding.

I didn't know
what it would lead to.

You little bitch.

You wanted to sleep
with him, didn't you?

I don't know.

Maybe I just wanted
to be wanted.

Has it ever happened before?

Never.

I swear to God, Jane, never.

Just that one time.

Please forgive me.

Please.

Come on, Jane.

You have to.

You're my sister.

I don't have a sister anymore.

I just brought enough
to give the place,

you know, a woman's touch.

Along with family photos

and Nikki's toys.

That kind of thing.

Mommy, I don't feel well.

What is it, honey?

My head hurts.

Why don't you go inside, and
I'll get the rest of this stuff.

Are you sure?

Yeah, absolutely, here.

Come on, honey.

Matt...

Oh, hi, Amanda. Uh...

What's going on?

I don't know if this place
can't sleep three.

Don't worry,
they're not moving in,

but I want to talk to you.

sh**t.

An I.N.S. Agent

is coming to
the apartment tomorrow

to conduct a home visit,

basically, to verify that
Katya and I live together

as man and wife.

I see.

Listen, I hate to
drag you into this,

but I would really appreciate
it if you'd vouch for us...

if questioned.

So you're asking me
to lie, right?

Just to bend the truth,

you know, just... just a bit.

Um, look, Matt,

I like you, but personally,

I do question
the ethics and legality

of this whole situation.

I mean, this country's
having a tough enough time

taking care of its own.

You know what I mean?

And what will
the ramifications be

on my end if I supply

a government agency
with false information?

Okay, do me a favor.

Don't talk to him.

Okay?

Right, that's probably
the best course.

Just leave me out of it.

Sure.

Good luck.

Nikki has a slight fever.

I put her to bed in your room.

Is that okay?

Yes, of course.

Who's this?

Oh, my parents...

Masha and Nikolai.

My father died
about years ago.

That's who Nikki's named after.

Your mother is beautiful.

Ohh.

She looks like you. Thanks.

Well, now you have to show me

a picture of your parents

and tell me
everything about them.

I want to know
everything about you.

We'd be here all night.

Well, if necessary.

Katya,

I have a date.

Right.

Well, let's concentrate
on what's important...

Our courtship.

Our courtship.

Of course.

They will want to know
all about this.

When was the first moment...

you fell in love with me?

The moment I laid eyes on you.

No, that's not believable.

The first moment
you fell in love with me

was in the cafeteria line
at the hospital.

And you were short $ . ,

and I helped pay for your lunch

even though I did not know you.

I did that because...

you were cute.

And you made me laugh...

more than any other woman

or any other person
that I'd ever known,

and when you laughed,

I realized
how beautiful you were.

And I realized...

that in my entire life...

I never enjoyed so much

making a man laugh.

This, uh...

this'll work.

Yeah.

I think so.

Kimberly...

Kimberly...

Hey, Kimberly!

Don't touch me.

You just got to talk to me,
let me explain.

There's nothing to talk about.

It's over, okay?

We're through.

You don't get it.
She came on to me.

So what!

I was out of control.

Look, you don't know
how disgusting I feel.

I'm sure that goes
with the territory, Michael,

because you're a pig.

All right. Good.

Let me have it. Come on.

You just make sure
you're out of my place

by the time I get home.

She's burning up.

I'm going to take her home.

We'll be back tomorrow.

Look, Katya, why don't you guys
sleep here in my bedroom.

I'm gonna sleep on the floor.

I don't want Nikki
hopping from apartment

to apartment, she's sick.

Matt...

Katya, I insist.

Hi, Joel. Come on in.

Um... You remember Katya.

Hi, Joel.

And her daughter Nikki.

Hi, Joel.

I, uh...

I didn't realize you
actually lived together.

We don't.

They're just, um...
spending the night.

What?

Katya, um, maybe I should stay.

I know where everything is.

Just go out and have fun.

She's going to do fine.

Um, nice seeing you, Joel.

Uh, nice seeing you,
Mrs. Fielding.

Come on. Let's go.

I thought you were
gonna make dinner.

Oh, please, why cook
when you can order in

from the best
restaurants in L.A.?

What do you think you're doing?

Appetizer.

You have me confused
with dessert.

That, too.

Ah. Excuse me.

Jane.

Is everything all right?

Uh, no, not really.

Uh, look, Amanda.

I came up here to ask you
if you could somehow

ask Sydney to move out.

How can I do that?
She has a lease.

Yes, I know that.

But she did
something awful to me.

And Amanda, I love this place,

but I don't know I can
continue living here if she is.

What did she do?

She s...

Never mind what she did.

The point is
it was thoughtless of you

not to have
checked with me first

before you rented her
an apartment.

Look, Jane,
I don't want you to move,

but Sydney's already
signed the lease.

She'll never pay on time.

Well, that's why
I insisted on a cosigner.

Michael. Of course.

Listen, Jane, I'm sorry.

If there's anything
else I can do...

No, thanks, Amanda.
You've done enough.

Why is it when you try

and help out one person,

you end up getting
stepped on by another?

You know what your problem is
you're misunderstood.

Darn right.

Ahh. So, what do you think?

You look marvelous, darling,
simply marvelous.

You guys are gonna have a blast.

Oh, I hope so.

You sure you're not wearing
too much perfume?

Billy.

Who asked you?

Hey.

Steve.

Steve.

How did you know I was here?

I heard your voices. Am I early?

No, you're right on time.

You look beautiful.

Thanks.

Hey, Allison.

So, this is where you live?

This is where I live.

Billy, you remember
Steve McMillan?

Of course. How you doing?

Couldn't be better.
You ready to head out?

Let's go.

Have a wonderful time.

We will. Thanks.

Well, it's date night
at Melrose Place.

Does it make you feel
old and married?

No. It makes me feel great.

Okay, no. Clean towels are above
the sink in the bathroom.

Yeah. The sheets and the
blankets are in the hall closet.

Right. Right.

Listen. No, Katya, don't worry.

Don't worry.

Okay, the play's over
in about an hour.

I'll be right home.

Yes.

Okay, all right.
I'll see you soon.

All right. Bye.

Matt, it's obvious
you don't want to be here.

Maybe it's better if
I just take you home.

No. No, come on, let's see
the rest of the play.

Look, Mat, I can't sit there
for another act

watching you squirm
and look at your watch.

We'll go out again when
it's better for you.

You promise?

I promise.

Oh, hi, babe.

Maybe I didn't make myself
clear this afternoon.

I said I wanted you out

by the time I got home.

You know, Kimberly,
you're blowing this thing

way out of proportion.

Now, come here.

I'm not.

Who do you think you are?

Hey!

I said I wanted you out,

so pack your things
and leave... now.

The fact of the matter is,

I'm tired of getting
kicked out of my own home.

Now, I have no problem
with being here,

so if anybody's going to
leave in this situation,

it's going to be you.

Fine, if that's what it takes,

then I'm out of here.

Come on, Kimberly. You can't.

Come on, I'm begging you,
sweetheart.

I've given up
everything for you...

My wife, m-my life, everything.

I'll a friend come by
and pick up my things,

and don't speak to me
at the hospital

unless it's
absolutely necessary.

Don't be stupid, okay?

You know it meant nothing to me.

I suppose that's what
you said to Jane about me?

Of course not.

Yeah, right.

Goodbye, Michael.

Who is it?

Prince Charming.

Hi. Hi.

I thought you were sightseeing
with your parents all day.

I got a short reprieve.

Jane, is there something wrong?

Something wrong.

Gee, I don't know.

Kimberly broke up
with Michael today.

Not that I should care
one way or another.

He's not trying to get back
together with you is he?

Oh, no, no, nothing like that.

It's just the irony
is too thick.

You see, Kimberly caught Michael

with another woman.

That's no big surprise.

Yes, it is.

You see, the other woman...

was my sister.

Oh, my God.

I don't know what to do, Robert.

I mean, Kimberly is one thing,

but Sydney... That's sick.

I don't understand any of this.

I...

I mean, I was a good wife

and a good sister.

Shh.

I mean, what did I do
to deserve this?

It's okay.

Look, why don't we just
forget about making dinner,

and we'll all go out someplace?

No. No. I want to
have them over.

Maybe it will help

take my mind off everything.

Whatever you say, boss.

Ahem. I cleaned out
nearly four florists

to find all these flowers.

It's amazing.

You can smell them

all the way down the hallway.

Something stinks
in here all right,

but it's not the flowers.

Excuse me.

Looks like quite a celebration.

Hmm. Vodka and dancing.

Just like in Russia.

Let me be frank here,
Matt and Katya.

You two seem very happy,

and far be it for me

to judge the quality
of your affections.

But the suddenness
of your marriage...

So close to the time

that Katya's visa
was due to expire...

Certainly set off alarm bells.

Yes, and there's
a perfect explanation.

I fell in love.

From the moment I met her
in the hospital cafeteria,

I, uh...

I couldn't let her leave.
I couldn't take that chance.

I mean, you don't let
the woman of your dreams

slip through your fingers.

I was afraid I'd
never see her again.

I was ready to return to Russia.

When Matt proposed,

I had to ask myself
some questions.

Will he be good to my daughter?

Is he kind,

gentle, warm, caring?

Does he make me laugh?

Ahh.

And I apologize.

No matter how suspicious
the circumstances

may appear to the United
States government,

you do not turn your back

on that kind of man, Mr. Lacey.

No, I don't suppose you do.

Mommy, I'm hungry.

Um, Nikki, you're awake.

Who's that man?

Mr. Lacey, this is
my daughter Nikki.

Well, hello there, Nikki.

Very pleased to meet you.

Nikki's had a bit
of a fever lately.

So how do you like
living here in California?

I love it.

Do you ever miss Russia?

Sometimes.

I miss my nana.

How do you like
living here with Matt?

I like my house better.

Oh, she has her
little problems adjusting.

How do you feel about Matt?

I like him a lot.

Is that what mommy
told you to say, Nikki?

What?

Well, it was nice
seeing you all again.

Feel better, Nikki.

If you have any questions,

just don't hesitate to call.

Oh, I won't. I'll be
in touch shortly.

Bye-bye.

Mm-mmm. Mmm.

Jane, this is delicious.

It's just wonderful.

Thank you.

You really shouldn't have gone

to so much trouble.

It was no trouble, really.

I love to cook.

Don't admit that.

Say you hate to cook.

That way no one
comes to expect it.

Spoken like a true liar.

Dad.

Well, are you two
enjoying your stay?

Oh, yeah. We love California.

In a proper dose.

The air out here does such
a number on my allergies.

Expecting someone?

No.

I'll get it.

What do you want?

I want to talk to my ex-wife.

Hey, is that a problem for you?

She doesn't want to
talk to you, good night.

Get out of my face.

Excuse my intrusion.

Jane, may I have
a word with you, please?

Michael, would you please leave?

Well, look it'll only
take a minute, I promise.

She said get the hell out.

Hands off!
I'm calling the police.

No, this won't be necessary.
That won't be necessary.

I just came to ask you

to please keep your slut
sister out of my life.

All right, that's it.

Michael! Michael!

I used to live here, you know.

Oohh!

Oohh!

Oohh!

Not anymore!

Well, I have three Jim Shaws

that are due to
arrive on Wednesday.

Well, you should come in
in the afternoon

and check them out.

Okay?

Well, let me know.

Okay, I'll talk to you soon.

Okay.

Hey, this is a surprise.

Joel, I'm...

I'm really sorry
about the other night.

Don't worry. You had
a lot on your mind.

Yes, too much, believe me.

I just... I just don't want you

to think that I'm not
interested in you,

because I'd, uh...

I'd really like
to see you again.

That's nice.

I just worry that, you know,

your life is a little too
complicated for me.

It's tough enough being gay

without having a wife and
a kid to worry about.

Come on, Joel,
I just married Katya

so she can stay in the country.

You know that. I know.

But they're a part
of your life now,

an important part, I can tell.

Yes. Yes, they are.

But that doesn't mean

that there's not room
for somebody else.

Let me think about it,
and I'll give you a call.

Okay?

Anytime.

I'll see you, Joel.

Soon, I hope.

Bye, Matt.

Bye.

Who is it?

It's Robert.

Hi. Hi.

When I didn't
hear from you last night,

I thought that was it.

I was treated to two hours'
worth from my father

on why I should not
involve myself romantically

with clients.

It got late.

Ahem.

Well, do you think he was right?

To hell with him.

Oh.

I know when I've found
someone special.

So I got to punch out

some deranged ex-husband
once in a while.

What's the big deal?

I wish Michael would
get out of my life.

He will.

As soon as I slap him
with a restraining order.

You can do that?

With your help.

I'll have it issued
by end of business tomorrow.

God, I'm crazy about you.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Me, too.

Well...

I just heard from the I.N.S.

What did they say?

That we were one of
the happiest couples

they ever had the pleasure
of interviewing.

Thank you.

I'm happy for you, Katya.

What's wrong?

Joel. I, uh...

I don't think that
he wants to see me again.

He thinks that my life
is too complicated.

And I see... his point, Katya.

You know, I'm very happy
that you and Nikki

are able to stay
in this country,

but sometimes I don't know

what the hell I'm doing
this for.

I have a life, too, you know?

I know.

I'm sorry.

I made things complicated.

It's only temporary.

Please, understand that...

you've gained two people
in your life

that will always love you.

And care for you.

Always.

This is just
a preliminary layout

just to give you an idea
of where we're headed.

Pay no attention to the fonts.

They're just samples.

I like it.

I'm just still not sure about
plastering my face everywhere.

I'd tell you if I thought
it was a problem.

Oh, I think the pictures
turned out wonderfully.

Jo's a talented lady, isn't she?

Certainly is.

So if you don't mind me asking,

how was your date
the other night?

We had a great time.

So you like her.
What's not to like?

She's charming,
beautiful, intelligent.

Of course, she's no Alison,
but what can you do?

Thank you.

Knock, knock.

Come in.
We're just finishing up.

You two lovebirds take off.

We can pick this up after lunch.

Hey, who took these sh*ts?

These are gorgeous.

Come on, we have
a : reservation

at the best
Italian joint in town.

Back in an hour.

You got it.

If I didn't know better,

I'd say Steve's
developed a bit of crush on you,

and you don't seem to mind it.

That's ridiculous.

Is it?

Must be my imagination.

See you after lunch.

I really need something
a little stronger.

Dr. Mancini to fourth floor
nurses' station.

Oh, uh... will you
check that patient

that we were talking about
on the fifth floor?

Thanks.

Sydney.

What the hell
are you doing here?

Well, I've been calling you
at the house,

but you're never there.

Kimberly told Jane everything.

Yeah, I know.

So...

I guess it's over
between you guys, huh?

What do you want?

I want to be there
for you, Michael.

I want to see you.

In a way, this is a good thing.

Because now we don't
have to hide anymore.

Are you crazy?

What do you think
you mean to me?

A lot.

I hope.

Oh.

The truth is, Sydney,

that you're nothing
but a diversion for me.

Nothing more...

and nothing less.

And now that I've had it,

I wish you'd stay
the hell out of my life.

Michael.

I love you.

Well...

that's your problem, isn't it?