02x07 - Roomie for Improvement

[bunniefuu]

Before we get started, I want to remind
our audience that next time on Tool Time

we have some very special guests.

That superstar racing team of Mario
and Michael Andretti will be here. All right.

I'm very excited
to have my racing heroes on the show.

It's hard to imagine you getting so
jazzed-up about racing, the way you drive.

He drives like an old woman
in a church parking lot.

Watch out for the speed bump!
Ba-bump.

I drive defensively, Tim.

You dress defensively, Al.

- My mother gave me this shirt.
- Why? Did she outgrow it?

No...

- Anyway, let's get back to our salute...
- (squelch)

...to lubricants.

For this demonstration, we've split
this straight six-cylinder down the middle.

Tim, my mother has very fine taste.
Her shirts look nothing like this.

Right, Al. Anyway, try to imagine,
if you will, that my fists are pistons.

All right, Al. Close up the engine.

Gladly, Tim.

Oh!

OK. Let's try to start this engine.

(makes engine noises)

Well, it won't start.
That's because the pistons are stuck.

Just like they were last year
during the NBA play-offs.

But they will move if they're lubricated.

That's if the oil pump is pumping oil
through the system, the pistons will move.

So, let's open the engine up
and show 'em how the oil gets in there.

- Grab the oil and open me up, Al.
- Ah, here it is, of course, motor oil.

Well, gee.

I wouldn't want to get any of this
on my nice shirt my mother gave me.

- I better go change before I let you out.
- Come on, open this up, Al. Al!

Tool Time tip of the day: when you're
insulting your coworker's mother,

make sure you're not locked
into an engine compartment.

Al. I know you're back there
Al. I know right where you're standing

Al. let me out

Mark, stop scratching or I'm gonna
have to cut your fingernails even shorter.

(Mark) But it itches.

Well, bring the calamine lotion
down again.

(Mark) Aw, man.

Mom, please, please don't run away.

These are for your father.

He's never had chickenpox
and I don't want Mark to give 'em to him,

so he's gonna have to move out
for a few days.

Huh.

Well, I've never had chickenpox either.

I think I'll just go pack my bags
and check into a nice hotel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stay
right where you are. I want you to get 'em.

Did you kiss your brother
like I told you to?

Oh, yeah.
We're getting married next Tuesday.

I wish you would be nicer to your brother.

You know, he's probably the only
little brother you're ever gonna have.

In fact, I guarantee you he's the only
little brother you're ever gonna have.

So here, just take this juice to him.

And you better be sick
when you get up in the morning.

- Hi, baby.
- Oh, hi.

- Why are my bags over here?
- You gotta leave.

(sighs)

This is 'cause I said your mother was the
world's second largest mammal, isn't it?

I never heard that.

I never said it.

Remember that fever
that Mark had last night?

- Flu?
- It's chickenpox.

There are germs everywhere.
Don't touch that.

I can't get sick.
The Andrettis are gonna be on Tool Time

I'll go to my mom's.
No, no. A hotel!

Well, check with Al
before you do anything else.

- Why?
- When I called to warn you about that,

he said that you could
stay at his apartment.

Stay with Al. That's a good one.

- Well, I told him that you'd get back to him.
- You didn't just say no?

Well, I didn't know what to say.
He was really being sweet.

He called you his roomie.

Oh, man.

Well, you know, he said
he wanted to do something nice

because of that lubricant thing that he
did to you - and please don't explain that.

- Mom.
- What? That's Mark.

Don't let him get near you.
Go on, go on, go on.

Mark, I gotta go away for a couple of days.
Feel better, buddy.

- Thanks. I'll miss you.
- I'll miss you too, buddy.

- Hey, Wilson.
- Hi-de-ho, Tim.

- (Tim) Smells like you're barbecuing.
- Mm-hm.

- Smells good. Burgers, hotdogs, chicken?
- No, no, no.

Today we're having some
grilled grasshopper-and-cricket kabobs.

I got the recipe
out of my survival newsletter, Aftermath

I'll be gone a couple days. Mark got
chickenpox and I've never had them so...

Mm-hm-hm-hm.

- (Tim) Can I ask you a question?
- Throw another bug on my barbecue.

Al wants me to stay at his apartment.

- And I really don't want to.
- Mm-hm.

But if... if I say no,
I'm gonna hurt his feelings,

and I don't want to do that, so I guess
I'm gonna have to stay there, right?

Well, Tim.

- Your feelings are important too. Right?
- Yeah.

Well, then you should tell Al
exactly how you feel.

You know what they say -
"Honesty is the best policy."

All right, all right, all right.
I'll just tell him the truth.

I mean, guys don't lie to each other.

I'll just say I don't want to stay there.
He'll understand that.

- Thanks, Wilson.
- Oh, you're welcome.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to scrounge up an appetizer.

(man) Tim!

- Hi, Tim!
- Al?

- What are you doing here?
- Talk about timing.

I was just coming up the driveway
and Jill was coming down with your bags,

so I put them in my station wagon out front.

- I really appreciate that, Al, but I...
- Oh, and here, I...

I-I had this made specially for you,
this key.

It's got your initials on it.

Al, I don't wanna stay with you.

I mean, I don't wanna stay with you
for very long.

I don't wanna overstay my welcome,
you know, become a burden.

Oh, well, it's no burden.
Come on, roomie.

Welcome to my humble abode, roomie.

Thanks, Allie.

So.

Well, this is where you'll sleep.
I made this myself.

Yep.

I'll take the hammock, up here.

- The... Of course, you know the...
- Bathroom.

The bathroom is right through here.
That's right.

And your towels are the ones
with the matador on 'em.

And this is your closet space.

I didn't realize that flannel
could reproduce so quickly.

(AI snorts)

You know, normally,
I don't find you that funny, but...

but now that we're roomies, I realize
you actually do have a sense of humor.

It's from working with you, Al.
Who's this guy here?

- It's Gordy Hawkins.
- A race driver or something?

Oh, no, no.
World-class square-dance caller.

You know,
I'm taking his correspondence course,

"Getting in Touch
with the Square Dancer in You."

(country)

(AI and caller)
Well, join hands, circle to the left

Just circle to the left

Round and round
Kick those feet up off the ground

Make it quick
Jim take Sue and Pam take d*ck

(doorbell)

Promenade, go around the ring
Just promenade, go two by two

Till you get back home

Oh, hello, Cynthia.

- Hi, Al.
- Who's at the door?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you had company.

No, Cynthia, please.

I would like you to meet Tim Taylor.

- This is the man that I work with.
- Hi, Cynthia. How are you?

Oh, you're the one
who assists Al on his show.

That's me.

- Can I borrow a cup of sugar?
- Well, sure. Sure thing. Yeah.

I'm baking a cake. Maybe you could
come over later and have some.

- Well, I would love to.
- Yeah?

But, I... Well, gee, I've got some activities
planned for Tim and me tonight.

Oh, boy.

Well, here's some sugar packets.
They ought to add up to a cup.

Oh, well, thanks. Bye.

- It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Cynthia.

Good night.

- Great. Al, what's the matter with you?
- What?

She invited you over.

She doesn't want to bake a cake.
She wants to sample the Al dessert tray.

I know that, Tim. It's just that
she's on the rebound. She's vulnerable.

I don't wanna take advantage of that.

Oh, Al.

It's not like a beautiful woman
stops by your apartment every day.

Actually, she does.

Hey, partner, I'll tell you what.

Why don't we go down to Big Mike's,

get ourselves some burgers, have a beer?

Well, no, oh, no, no.
Listen, this is our first night together.

Come on, partner. They've got that
big widescreen TV they just put in.

Well, I...

I've got a roast in the Crockpot and
I have some great entertainment lined up.

I have a... I have a tape
that I think you're going to like.

- Road Runner? Terminator? Stooges?
- Even better.

(tune of "Deck the Halls")

Do you recognize the little boy?

- It's you.
- That's me, yes! That's me at three!

My mother has years of me growing up

and she put them all
on twelve eight-hour tapes.

I have practically my whole life
here for you to see.

Mom, can I have some ice cream?

- For breakfast?
- Please? I'm really itching.

Tell no one.

- Hi, Dad.
- Feel better?

Kind of.

Hi, honey. Is this the jacket you wanted?

- Oh.
- (Jill laughs)

I guess I should
kick you out of the house more often, huh?

If I ever say it's hard living with you,
just say one word. Al!

It's that bad, huh?

His mother recorded his whole life
on videotape.

Last night it was three hours
of "Muskie fishing with Uncle Phil."

Urgh.

Do you know that in the seventh grade

he built a replica of the Washington
Monument with Popsicle sticks?

- Well, lots of kids do stuff like that.
- It was life-sized.

Last night it was
"Al - The Early Years."

Tonight...

"Puberty."

"Starring Al."

- Poor baby. You look exhausted.
- (sighs)

I don't think I've slept for minutes.

You've never heard snoring like that.

Wanna bet?

- I don't snore.
- Then you've got a propeller up your nose.

He says he doesn't snore either.
I got proof.

I wasn't sleeping anyway,
so I taped him.

- You taped him?
- Yeah.

That is so weird.

I think it's time
for you to move into a hotel.

I'll join you there.

I'll go to the Barkley. Meet me there.

OK. I'll check with Wilson
and see if he can stay tonight.

- Wilson?
- Yeah.

He's coming over to stay with Mark
while I go to the drugstore. Bye.

Bye.

We're pretty darn excited
here at Tool Time

To wrap up Auto Week,
I've invited some very special guests here.

We caught 'em
at Michigan International Speedway

trying out a new motor for their racecar.

Please welcome the superstar father-son
racing team of Mario and Michael Andretti.

(sound of car engine)

Come on, fellas.

Thank you.

Why don't you guys take a seat?
Let's talk about racing.

Man and machine. Man and machine -
the ultimate relationship.

'Course, not as important as
the father-and-son relationship.

Or the sucking-up-to-the-guests
relationship.

Let's talk about racecars for a minute.

This is what every man
dreams about at night.

- It's what I dream about, Tim.
- That blows that theory.

Tell me, Mario,
what's the toughest thing

about taking a racecar
around a track at mph?

Adjusting the radio.

(AI laughs/snorts)

That's a good one, Mario.
You know, I've read that

the smell of the tires can tell you
if you're pushing your car too hard.

Al, I think maybe you should
let the guests talk.

But, Tim, Al is right.

Thank you, Michael.
Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.

Well, we all know about the smell thing.

What about the hearing thing, Al?
You know about that?

Go ahead, Michael.
Tell him about the hearing thing.

What hearing thing?

You know,
when you listen to the hum of the motor

so you know precisely when to shift.

- Excellent point, Tim.
- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Anyway, I've got a little test I got here today
that could be kinda fun.

I had our sound man, Klaus,
put together some engine sounds.

We're gonna play the engine sounds
back and see if these professionals

can tell us which engine's which.
You guys wanna play?

- Sure. Let's do it.
- We're ready.

You're not playing, Al.
Take your hands off the guests.

- OK, Klaus, if you will, that first engine.
- (engine sound)

- Anybody?
- That'd be a Ford five-liter V-eight.

Right on the money, yeah.

Well, let's see if daddy-o here
is as smart as his boy.

All right, Mario, it's your chance.
Klaus, second motor.

(engine sound)

Two-liter Alpha Romeo Spider engine.

Bull's-eye. Bull's-eye! Unbelievable.

Bravo! You know, for a moment there
I thought it was the three-liter.

Actually, so did I.
Hey, you're pretty good.

As a matter of fact,
I wouldn't mind having you on my pit crew.

Hey, what about me?

I wouldn't mind having you
on Danny Sullivan's pit crew.

Another good one, Mario.

Al, the hand thing. OK.

Well, since Al sounds like
he knows so much,

why don't we invite Al to play
this last and final round, all right? Yeah.

- My pleasure.
- OK. Klaus, that third engine, please.

(snoring)

I don't know what that is.
Sounds pretty rough.

Yes. Sounds like
there's an obstruction in the carburetor.

Well, you're both close.

That's Al snoring.
I taped that last night.

Honey, I'm home!

Al, why did you take off so early?

The Andrettis stuck around
to say goodbye to you.

I had to come home, Tim.
Dinner does not make itself.

Al, I hope you're not upset,
but I was thinking...

it might be a good idea
if I skipped dinner and just went to a hotel.

Fine. I think that is a very good idea.

Are you upset about something?

You just embarrassed me in front of
two people that I happen to most idolize.

Me and who else?

Is this about the snoring gag?
The crowd loved it. It was real funny.

Tim, it's very difficult
to go through life with a deviated septum.

It could be worse. You could be working
at the circus as "Al, the Donkey Boy."

Tim, I... I opened up my life to you
and you used that to hurt me.

The whole reason
I wanted you to come over here

was so we could
get to know each other better as people,

and I thought maybe that
would make us better friends.

And you don't think that happened?

All right. Let's eat the dinner.
Let's eat dinner. Come on.

No. No, thank you.

I think that... that you should leave.

No, I want to see more of your home
movies. Al, what are you doing? Come on.

Where are you going with the bags?

What are you putting them out here for?
Al... Oh...

Right.

- Come on, let me in.
- Go away, Tim.

Al, you can't end it like this.
We've had a relationship for three years.

It's over between us.

- Al, open the door.
- No!

You should never have made
that recording of me in bed.

Wait, wait, wait.
You got this all wrong. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Cynthia. Cynthia. Hello?

The reason I'm staying here
is 'cause one of my kids has chickenpox

and I haven't had it.

- Oh, you're married?
- Yes.

- To a woman?
- Yes.

Cut it out. This has nothing to do with
him and I. He's not attracted to me or men.

As a matter of fact, it's not my place
to say it, but he's attracted to you.

Then why does he keep rejecting me?

I really shouldn't be saying this,
but it's because he respects you

and he wants to
get to know you better.

- Really?
- Al is a tremendously sensitive man.

And underneath all that flannel
is a really big heart.

Would you help me out for a minute?

- (knocking)
- Go away, Tim.

(Cynthia) Al, it's me.

Aha!

I was opening the door for Cynthia,
not for you.

Al, Tim said
some really sweet things about you.

And I didn't even tell her all of 'em.
Remember that time at work?

- We had the lathe going. I got my tie in it.
- Tim.

No thought of his safety,
yanks me out, saves my life.

And the router, the router.
We had a router going. The safety broke...

- Tim...
- He goes over the table.

- He saves my life pulling the plug out.
- Really?

And there's more.
Do you remember the time

you jumped in front of
that speeding semitruck...

- Tim.
...and saved the elderly nun?

You did?

Cynthia, the story about the nun
is nothing...

that I usually talk about.

And he wouldn't because he's so modest.

I'm sure he doesn't want me to tell you this,
but without Al, I couldn't do Tool Time

Well, I could, but it'd be tough.

Tool Time is your show?

Tool Time is our show.

Thanks, Tim.

Well, I guess I should be going.

Would you like to stay for dinner?

Would you like to stay for dinner?

That would be lovely.
I'll get the cake I made for dessert.

Great.

Right!

- I'm sorry. Was that router bit pushing it?
- Oh, no, no, that was a nice touch.

- The nun was pushing it.
- Yeah.

Anything I can do to help.
I think I'm gonna get outta here.

Oh, well, listen, you can stay the night.

I think, in the interest of our friendship,
I better skedaddle, all right?

You two have a good time
and enjoy your dinner.

We will.

(country)

(Al) Now join hands, circle to the left
Go round the ring, just circle to the left

And do-si-do, go to the right
Spin around with all your might

I got chicken nice and hot
And home movies you'll like a lot

I'm so glad Mark is finally better.
I'm just exhausted.

In the hotel room, the bed was like
sleeping on a bag of rocks.

And the room was so small, wasn't it?

Small?

So small the mice were hunchbacked.

It was so small, I put my key in the door,
it went through the window.

So small, all you could order
was condensed milk.

I had a folding toothbrush. It was so small,
there was no room for complaints.

But seriously, Tim.

We better go upstairs
before we go to sleep.

(Tim groans)

Help me up.

Help me first.

OK, we'll help each other on "three."

- One.
- Mm.

- Two.
- Mm.

Three.

Did you get up?

- No. Did you?
- Let's just stay here.

It's much better kissing you.
Al's beard was so scratchy.

At least you shave.

(Tim snores)

Al, as you know,
it's Auto Week here on Tool Time

- And we're celebrating our salute...
- (squelch)

...to lubricants.

That's right. Transmission fluid,
grease, oil, gunk. (barks)

Al, do you suppose if Ricky Ricardo,
from the old Lucy Show. had oil,

he would have called it a "babaloobricant"?

- They're getting worse, Tim.
- Yeah.