02x19 - Impo-Dent

[bunniefuu]

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like *

* A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one *

* Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute *

* You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try
And you will only come *

* To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

Ooh, I'm starving.

Where's Mom?

I don't know.

Go out and play.

What are you hiding?

Nothing.

You have food there.
I know it.

No, I don't.
Yes, you do.

Tang residue.

You glutton.

Ah, another great morning.

Didn't sleep at all last night

with Steve's
stupid car alarm going off.

Off course, then
that wakes up your mother,

and I got to talk to her.

You almost lost your daddy
last night, kids.

What are you hiding?

Nothing.

Finished off the Tang
on me again, eh?

Well,

your dad still has
a few tricks left

in his tired old body.

Tang wipe.

Good morning, everyone.

Boy, am I stuffed.

You know,
you've just got to try

that slam dunk breakfast
at Kippy's.

Pancakes, bacon,
sausage, eggs.

I finally had to say stop,
I can't eat anymore.

Peg, what do you do

with all the money
I give you for food?

I just told you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Peg, you want to get that?

It's probably the homeless

on their
"It Could Be Worse" tour.

Hi. I just stopped by
to apologize

if Steve's car alarm
kept you up last night.

He's out of town,

and it's his first night away
from his new Mercedes,

so he set his alarm
on ultra-sensitive.

The slightest touch,
and it goes off all night.

Does it have
a brother?

Look, I'm sorry,
but you can't blame him.

It's a magnificent
piece of machinery.

So how does it drive?

How should I know?
He won't let me near it.

Well, consider
yourself lucky.

The thing you can't touch
is in the garage.

Mine is in the bedroom.

Mom, Bud found
a corn flake

between the refrigerator
and the sink,

and he won't share.

Aw, this is ridiculous.

Come on, kids,

this may be against
everything I believe in,

but I'm taking you
out to breakfast.

Oh!
All right!

Now, kids,
when we get to the restaurant,

something strange will happen.

A woman will bring you food.

Now, uh...

don't be scared.

She's called a waitress.

That's just God's
alternative to mommies.

Boy, squabbling over a meal--

thank God,
Steve's a liberated man

and cooks for me.

Why don't you cook
for the family, Al?

Mom, no! Please!

Do you remember
last summer?

Tortilla night?

And the resulting
plumbing problem?

And I thought you loved us.

Come on, Dad.

I don't know why those tortillas
exploded like that.

You know, sometimes
I get so mad

I could just
k*ll that man.

I like to think
that I am.

I meant Steve.

Peggy, when Al got his new car,
did he let you drive it?

A few times.

Once, he had no brakes,

and someone had to take it
to the mechanic.

Listen, Peggy,
can I borrow your car

to go to
the supermarket?

My car doesn't go there.

What's wrong with your car?

It's in the shop.

Just take his car.

It's your car too.

Look, don't let him
start thinking

he can have things
of his own.

It's the road to ruin.

You know,
it's taken me years,

but I am proud to say
that Al finally has nothing.

Just go for a ride
in your Mercedes, Marce.

I don't know.

I'd have to change
the seat and the mirrors.

It took him weeks
to set them just right.

What do you care
what he wants?

Look, Al doesn't like me
blowing smoke in his eggs.

What am I supposed to do?
Stop smoking?

You're right.

Of course.

I'm taking his car
for a drive.

You know what else
I'm going to do?

Change all the preset
stations on his radio.

He's an idiot.
It is my car too.

You know what else
I'm going to do?

I'm gonna go
in reverse,

then shift into drive

without coming
to a complete stop.

Oh, man!

Ahh.

Ahh.

Well, kids,
that was food.

Could you get used to it?

Oh, Dad...

It was cooked.

Yeah, pancakes
are better like that, son.

Hey, Mom,

tomorrow, could you
make us some waffles?

[GIGGLES]

No.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

By the way, kids,

any chance of you
cleaning your rooms today?

[BOTH GIGGLE]

No.
No.

Oh, hi, Marce.
How did the Mercedes drive?

You drove Steve's Mercedes?

What did you hit?

You know, Al,
this may surprise you,

but women today
are race car drivers,

pilots, astronauts,
anything we want to be.

We're just as good as men.

What did you hit?

A fire hydrant.

What am I
going to do?

Gee, I don't know.

You never should have
driven his car.

Steve is
gonna k*ll me.

I've tried
every body shop in town,

and they can't fix it
till next week.

Why bother?

I'll just tell
Steve the truth.

He'll be so happy
I wasn't hurt,

he'll throw his arms around me
and forgive me.

I'm going home right now

so I can be there first thing
to tell Steve

when he walks in the door.

Would you like to hear
what happened to me

in the seventh grade?

Go home.

[CAR PULLING UP]

That's him.

Hide me. I'll pay you.

He's getting out.

He's paying.

Now he's going into
the house-- No, no, no.

It's the garage.

The car's in there!

He'll never see the dent.
It's too dark.

STEVE: Aah!

Marcie!

She's in here, Steve!

Marcie!

Oh, Steve, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

You moved my seat.

Uh, yes, I did.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, Steve,
I missed you so much.

Let's never go home.

No, Marcie, let's not
gloss over this.

You've done
a terrible thing.

It took me weeks to get
that seat the way I like it,

It took me almost
as long as it took

to properly
adjust the mirrors

and set
my radio stations.

How long will it
take you to adjust

the fire hydrant-shaped hole
she put in the passenger side?

Whoops,
I spoiled Marcie's surprise.

Al, did you
have to tell him?

You betcha.

Oh, it'll be okay.

It's just a dent.

[STEVE SOBBING]

What am I worried about?

My Mercedes!
My baby!

Oh, he'll be fine.

See, whenever
Steve goes away overnight,

he comes home
consumed with passion,

so all I have to do
is pretend that I am too.

He'll forget about that car,

and we won't make it
of the bedroom until Monday.

Gee, you know,

the only time
Al and I ever spent

a weekend
in the bedroom

is when we were hiding
from the kids

because we forgot
it was Christmas.

Steve?

Pumpkin?

I'm going to be
straightforward with you.

I drove your car.

Let's go to bed.

You're right.

I'll go home first,

I'll light
the candles,

put on my nightie,

and...

brace myself.

Hey, let's stop
in the garage.

You know,
I haven't seen a good wreck

since I backed
Al's car over our mailbox.

I mean,
since Kelly did that.

My car.

She touched it.

Now it doesn't even
feel like it's mine anymore.

Yeah, I know,
I feel the same way

about several parts
of my body.

What am I saying?

The important thing
is Marcie's okay.

I mean, it's just
a car, right?

PEG: Whoa-ho-ho!

It cracked
like an egg!

You see, Al,

There was no screaming

over at Steve and Marcie's
last night.

But I do the smallest thing,
and you yell at me for months.

No smoked toast?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Well, Steve forgave me.

He's the most wonderful
man in the world.

Why can't you be
more like Steve?

And Steve's impotent.

My God.

Al, you are like Steve.

Oh, Marcie.
It's only one night.

Give it a reasonable
period of time.

You know, back in ' ,

I thought Al
had that problem.

but by ' ,
it cleared up fine.

But Steve
is Mr. Ever-ready.

And we tried
six times last night.

Six times in one night?

Did you hear that, Al?

Hey, give me some credit.

I can fail six times too.

But Steve
never failed before.

Let's get to the bottom of this.

The first time you tried,
was the light on?

Yes.

There you go-- he saw you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

If that's Steve,

Please don't tell him you know
about his problem.

Hey, buddy. What's up?

Oops, sorry.

I hope we didn't
keep you up last night.

Oh, dear, what's that
in your pocket?

My car keys.

What's the matter?

Ah, she's probably
overcome by the, uh...

six times we did it
last night.

[MARCY SOBBING]
Oh, no...

Yeah, Steve,
you're a real stallion.

What say we go down
to the ice cream shop

and get a, uh... softie.

I can't believe you told them.

I'm sorry.

It's just that you were
once a mighty oak,

and now--

A hanging vine.

Uh, excuse me.

I don't want to talk
about this anymore.

This is
a temporary thing

due to overwork, stress,
or, uh... over use.

I'm not
worried at all.

I'm going to go out,
pump some iron,

toss a football,

let the girls see
what they can't have.

I mean, because I'm married.

Not because I can't.

Because I can.

He can't, you know.

Peggy, what can I do

to make him the sexual
beast he was?

How would I know?

There must be somebody
I can talk to.

Ahem.

Anybody.

Ahem.

Oh, God, no.

Well, he has been there.

Peggy, would you
excuse us?

I'm about
to humiliate myself,

and I would prefer
no witnesses.

Sure, Marcie,
I understand.

And you're doing
the right thing.

If you want to know
about a hanging vine,

come to
a withered birch.

Take it away, Al.

Well, Marcie,
what can I do for you?

I need to know how
to turn a man on.

Well, I'm not
a plastic surgeon,

but I'll do what I can.

See, Marcie,
you touched Steve's car.

Now, what did Steve
ask you not to do?

Touch his car.

What did you do?

Touched his car.

I can't hear you.

I touched his car.
So what?

Well...
So you disobeyed a man,

which means you weren't
doing your job as a woman.

See, the thing is...

women don't understand

that men don't
really need them.

See, if you want
to talk to someone,

you talk to the guys.

If you want to have some fun,
you go with the guys.

You want sex, you...

reminisce with the guys.

Now let's get back to women.

What are they for?

The two "C"s.

Cooking.

Kitchen.

Al, I'm amazed
your knuckles don't bleed

when you walk.

Good day, Marcie.

I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

Go on.

Very well.

So we've established
that we don't need you.

Now...

let's ask ourselves

What the heck
do we keep you around for?

It's because we're optimists.

We believe
that you can change.

The world renowned social
scientist Mr. Hugh Hefner

has made great strides
in that area.

Get to it, Java Man.

Very well.

Marcie, your problem is
you're not servile enough.

Young lady, if you want
to save your marriage,

you're going to have to learn
to compromise a little.

Put down that briefcase,

pick up a dishrag,
and be a woman.

Al, I can only say this.

There may be
something alive

with fewer brain cells
than you,

but whatever it is,
wherever it is,

I'm sure its name
is "Bundy".

You should be
on all fours,

pulling a wagon full of Borax
across the desert.

You are compost.

You are phlegm.

You are a true pork product.

You going to take my advice?

Yes.

Thank you, Al,
for your time and help.

Pig.

Feel good?

Mm, yes.

But that's really
not necessary.

No. I want to.

It's just that
I feel uncomfortable

having you do that.

Want me to stop?

No.

Great.

The potatoes
are a little bland.

Where's the salt?

Didn't I bring it up
on one of my six trips?

No, but I...
guess I don't really...

need it.

Never mind.
I'll get it.

No trouble at all.

[FOOTSTEPS RUNNING
UP STAIRS]

Mm!

Mm-mm-mm-mm.

Thanks, dear.
You're a good wife.

Oh, thank you, darling.

What would you like
to do now?

Want to talk?

Sure.

I had the most interesting day
at work on Friday.

I vacuumed today.

Really? What else
did you do?

Well, I took a toothbrush

to the grout
and the bathroom tile

and scrubbed out
all the stains.

It was kind
of therapeutic

after relining
your blazers.

Mm.

Oh, Marcie, could you
turn up the heat?

Just one degree.

Sure. No trouble at all.

And if you're still cold,

I could strap you
to the radiator spread-eagle.

Comfy?

Eh.

What would you like
for dinner tomorrow?

Oh, I don't know.
Something simple.

How about beef Wellington
and baked Alaska?

On a work night?

I mean, I guess I could
get up early,

and go to the market
before work,

and then come home at lunch
and grind the goose liver,

separate the eggs,
and make the pastry dough.

I should be able to have it
on the table by : .

I don't like
to eat that late.

Then I just won't sleep.

You sure
it's no trouble?

No.

I love to cook.

Oh, Marcie.

Mm.

And I love to clean.

Oh, Marcie.

And I'll never touch
your car again.

Oh, Marcie!

Mm.

Oh, Steve.

Oh, Steve!

And tonight
she's making me

beef Wellington
and baked Alaska.

Boy, I wish
I had a wife.

Steve, I'm having some problems
with the baked Alaska.

I got plain vanilla ice cream
instead of French vanilla.

That's okay.

Never mind.
I'll get it.

It's just that
my car is still in the shop.

Can I use your--

Never mind. I'll walk.

A brisk four-mile jaunt
should do me good.

Oh, did I mention
I wanted whipped cream?

Oh, well. I'll
send her back out.

Al, I don't know
how I can ever thank you.

This impotence
scheme of yours

has given me a wife
I never even dreamed existed.

I got to tell you, though,
it was rough faking failure.

But thanks
for the advice.

Trying to figure out

why Bruce Willis
is a star really helped.

I got plenty of them.

Did you do the salt bit?
Yup.

The thermostat?

One degree.

Nice twist.

How long do you think
I can play this thing out?

Until you get
the car fixed.

When are you
going to take it in?

Couple of weeks.

Hell, maybe not
for a couple months.

After all, the dent's not
even on the driver's side.

[***]