02x17 - Peggy Loves Al, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

[bunniefuu]

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like *

* A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one *

* Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute *

* You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try
And you will only come *

* To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

Kelly, are you going out

walking by
construction sites again?

Because if you are,
give me five minutes.

I'll put on something cute
and come join you.

No, Mom, this is my
Valentine's Day outfit.

See, all the guys
are down at the mall,

you know, waiting for me

to give me their cards
and candy

and other gifts
of their devotion,

so I'll be taking
the laundry bag.

You don't need it, do you?

Nah. It's mostly decorative.

Gee, I sure hope Bud gets
a Valentine this year.

So does he.

He's got about
as much chance

of getting a Valentine

as I do
of getting an "A."

Ladies...Kelly.

Yup, this is going
to be my special day.

Any girls call me?

Yup. They call you
Geek, Dork,

and Hairy Palms.

That was the old Bud.

This year, I'm hot.

See, in the past, I haven't
been interested in girls.

Seeing Kelly in the morning
can do that to a guy.

No, but this year,
I threw around a few winks,

let it be known
I'm accepting Valentines,

so they should be rolling in.

Won't they, Mom?

Sure, they will, son.

But not for you.

Well, I'm
off to the mall.

Hey, Kel,
I see you're wearing

your "love me for my mind"
outfit again.

I hate Valentine's Day
in the shoe store.

Every fat woman
in Chicago hippos in

wanting pink pumps.

They think it
makes them look sexy,

as if anyone
could see the shoes

over the bulging flesh
of their ankles.

Good morning, Al.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, honey, you want
anything special

for Valentine's Day?

Yeah, but she's
wrestling in the mud,

and I'm just living there.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who the hell could that be?

Well, it's Valentine's Day.
Maybe it's Cupid.

No, he'd never
show his face around here again

after making this match.

Hi, Al.

You know, all you have to do
is walk outside, look around.

You just know
it's Valentine's Day.

What do you want?

Al, I need a favor.

Uh, Peggy, I need a favor.

I need someplace
to hide Marcie's present.

Oh, gee, Steve, what is it?

You know, having Al
for a husband,

I've always wondered,
what do husbands

give their wives
for Valentine's Day?

Well, this isn't
a fair example.

See, for us, it's not just
Valentine's Day.

It's our first anniversary.

Oh, Al...

Leave me alone.

Yes, well, uh,
would you hide this for me?

Sure. I'll
hide it upstairs.

Let me save you
some wear and tear

on your nails
and teeth.

See, the first anniversary
is paper,

and since paper
isn't all that romantic,

I got her tickets for two
to Hawaii.

Oh, now, please don't tell her.
I want it to be a surprise.

Don't worry.
I can keep a secret.

Oh, by the way, Al,

that little rubber doughnut
you ordered came in yesterday.

Al's got 'rhoids,
you know.

Well, you're obviously
sitting pretty.

So, what are you
getting Peggy

for Valentine's Day?

Fur, jewels, a car?

If it was
only that easy.

I'm going to have
sex with her.

It's kind of a tradition.

Every Valentine's Day,
I climb those stairs,

you know, walk
the last mile, and, uh...

slam-dunk her one.

It's a spin
through hell for me,

but she
seems to like it.

I only pray
that after years,

Marcie and I will
have

that kind of magic
between us.

Steve, if it was magic,

I could do it from down
here in front of the TV.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Peggy.

I waited till Steve left home.

I need your help.

What can I get him
for our anniversary?

Well, don't get him
two tickets to Hawaii.

That's what he got you.
It's a surprise.

He got me tickets to Hawaii?

Damn him!

He's so irritating,
getting me the perfect gift.

Now I have to get him
something just as great.

What a weenie.
God, I hate him.

Sure you do.
He's your husband.

Yeah, well,

I still have to find him
something really good--

something personal,
something romantic,

something that symbolizes

the depth and purity
of our relationship.

You could jump naked
out of a cake.

Yeah. That says it all!

But who would know

where to find something
so kinky?

Cakes a Poppin'.

Just ask for Leif.
Here's their number.

Oh, and when you pay,
have them stamp my card.

Two more, I get one free.

I'll do it.

I know.
The cake can say,

"Take me.
I'm yours."

Steve will love it.
Thanks, Peg.

So, do you know
what Al's getting you?

Oh, yeah. Same thing he
gets me every year.

He's going to slam-dunk
me a quick one.

Of course,
those are his words.

I mean, in reality,

it's more like
a foul shot.

You know, he takes
a deep breath and scores.

Sure, it's worth a point,

but it will never make
the highlight reel.

It's like your honeymoon
never ended.

But as long as he
tells you he loves you,

I guess that's all
that really matters.

Actually, Al says,

"There. That
should hold you."

But you know Al.
You know,

he just has difficulty
saying certain things,

Like "I love you,"
"thank you,"

and "Look out.
There's a car coming."

Oh, bunk.
You live in this hovel,

you bore him
those two awful children,

and he can't even
tell you he loves you?

I've heard him say
"I love the Cubs."

"I'd love a beer."

"I'd love it
if you leave, Marcie."

Face it, Peggy.

This man's no stranger
to the word "love."

Oh, it doesn't matter.
I mean, I know he loves me.

He doesn't say it,

and it would be nice
to hear it once in a while,

but it's no big deal.

I mean, he does so many other
wonderful things for me.

He, uh...

Hi, Mom.

Kelly, what does
your father do for me?

Well, he...

Daddy?

Nevermind.

Where's your brother?

Oh, he's standing
by the mailbox,

waiting for a valentine.

I haven't got the heart

to remind him
it's Sunday.

Well, just in case he doesn't
get one this year,

I want you to
go easy on him, okay?

Come on, Mom.
We both know

that Bud's an obnoxious,
ratlike creature,

but it doesn't mean
I don't love him.

He knows that.

How does he know that?

I tell him.

Well, has
he ever told you?

Oh, sure. You got to.

I mean, it kind of
takes the edge

off things like this...

Oh, Bud. It's Sunday.

There's no mail
on Sunday.

Happy Valentine's Day.

No!

Love him? You betcha.

Hey, Peg. How come when I said,
"Hi, Bud,"

he said,
"I don't need your pity"?

You don't really want to know,
do you?

Nope.

What time is dinner
rearing its ugly head?

Soon, honey.

By the way...
I love you, Al.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, Peg, I know you're
anxiously awaiting

your Valentine
sex-a-rama...

So here's the plan.

I can slide you in

between the Bulls-
Pistons game

and The Rifleman.

Gee, there's about
four or five commercials

in between them.

Are we going
to do it twice?

Peg, remember,

a smart mouth
is a lonely mouth.

You know, Al, this year,

I was hoping
for something different.

Uh-uh, Peg.
The socks stay on.

No, Al. This year,
instead of sex,

I want you
to tell me you love me.

What if I do
take the socks off?

I'm serious, Al.
I want to hear it.

Yeah, right.

Well, listen, Peg.

I'm going to go
upstairs and wash up,

but just to show you

how really special
you are to me,

tonight I'm
going to kiss you.

Well, Mom, I've got all my cards
in this bag.

Now, instead of dating
all the guys in here,

which last year proved
to be almost impossible,

this year, I'm going to
pick one lucky guy

to represent
all of my admirers.

Doesn't matter who it is.

This is the one day

everyone
has a fair chance,

so pick one for me.

Josh.

He's really ugly.
Pick again.

Sheldon?

Okay, give me the bag.

Okay.

Pick the red one
with the star.

Johnny.

Oh, what luck.
The cutest guy in school.

Oh, you sure know
how to pick a man.

Well, all my Valentines
finally came in.

I'm going upstairs
to open them.

[BOTTLES CLANKING]

Sounds kind of
like pop bottles.

Well, they're not.

They're paper.

[CLANK]

Uh, you know, Bud...

You're my Valentine.

Wow. Wait till I
go tell the guys.

Well, speaking
of losers,

I'm going to go through
these excess Valentines.

Let's see. "Fairest Kelly."

"Beautiful Kelly."
"Kelly, my love. "

"Dearest Bud"?

Yes, yes! I knew it!

Give it here.

It's from some girl
named...April May June.

She says she loves me,

and she's coming over
to see me tonight.

Oh, that's great, honey.

Did you write
that card as a joke?

No. Did you?

Hey, you did write this,
didn't you, Kel?

I mean, "April,
May, June"--

those are all
words you know.

Come on, Kel, just tell me,
because I've got a chance

to go to the Bulls game
tonight with Joey.

Gee, Bud. Dilemma, dilemma.

Do you get all dressed up,

stay here,
and look like an idiot,

or go to the game,

stand up the only date
you'll ever have,

and look like an idiot?

Hmm. Tough one for Bud.

Well, I'm going
to got upstairs

and get ready
for my real date.

Did you write that,
Kel?

Just say yes or no.

No.

Come on, Kel, really,
I know you did.

Okay, yeah, I did.

Oh, no, you didn't.
Really, Kel?

Okay, Peg. No sense
in putting off the inevitable.

Now, the kids
are upstairs,

so we probably shouldn't
do it up there,

what with your screaming
and everything.

That was your fault, Al.

You're the one
who turned the lights on.

Hey, let's not throw stones
on this romantic night.

Now, it's almost time,

so why don't you
go down to the basement,

blow up the air mattress?

I'll pop some Tums
and be right down.

I want to hear it, Al.

I want to hear you say
"I love you."

Not that again.

Okay, Peg.

Now, I know you didn't
think of this yourself.

Now, where did this come from?
Phil? Oprah?

Marcie.

Oh, great. The only one
we can't turn off.

Al, Steve and Marcie
not only say it,

they mean it,
and they show it.

Do you know what Marcie's
giving Steve tonight?

A running start.

No, she went
to Cakes a Poppin',

and she's having herself
delivered to him.

Then she's going
to pop out naked.

I hope you're happy, Peg..

I'll never
eat cake again.

Al, if she can go to all that
trouble for Steve,

the least you can do for me
is say "I love you."

I'm not going downstairs
with you unless you say it.

Withholding sex
from me, Peg? Oh no!

Well, I guess I'll
just have to relax

and have fun instead.

Come on, Peg.
What's the big deal?

You know I do.

I just don't like
to say it.

It...makes me sick.

Well, it doesn't make me
sick to say it.

I love you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll be waiting upstairs.

Time to reach out
and touch someone.

Yeah, here we go.

Ahem. Ahem.

Hello. Yes, I'm calling about
the Marcie Rhoades cake.

No, this is her husband.

Yes, there's been
a change of plans.

Instead of the address
she gave you...

Do you have a pen?

Bud, I don't know why
you're dressed like that.

If you don't think
you really have a date,

why did you pass up
a chance to go to the game?

Look, maybe I just wanted
to spend the night

watching the game
with my Dad.

Why? What did I do?

Oh, by the way, Dad,
Mom's upstairs cursing you.

I'm late. I've got to go.

Wait a second.
Kelly, come here a second.

Now, you guys are,
what, in your teens?

Something like that,
Dad, yeah.

Well, you've known me
most of those years.

How do you think your dad
feels about you?

I mean, do you know
that your dad...

Loves us?

Yeah, that. You guys
know that, right?

Sure.

Dad, are you dying?

Yes, but no one
seems to care.

So, but, I mean,

it's not important
for you to hear, uh...

That you love us?

Yes.

Hey, you'll tell us
when you're ready.

Yeah. Besides, we think
it would make a nice moment

for when you're
old and feeble.

Thank you.

I'd be getting ready
if I were you, Bud.

I'm not falling
for it, Kel.

Look, Dad, I've got
a hot date coming.

Get out.

But the game's on.

Dad...

The way I see it,
if you left now,

it would kind of be
like saying...

you love me.

So...how you doing?

Aw, come on, Peg.

People shouldn't have to say it.
It's unnecessary.

I haven't cheated on you.
I haven't asked for my own room.

I stayed through two kids
and your hotpants phase.

Doesn't that say it?

No.

Well, then...could I have
my own room?

No!

Now, I want to hear it.

Why?

Because
it's nice to know.

Now, I'll start.
I love you.

Peg, this really makes
my stomach hurt.

Well, then, you can
feel better real quick.

Now, just say it.

I...

I have to go
to the bathroom.

Thanks, Kel.

Real funny joke.

April May June...
you're so immature.

Well, I hope you like
the itching powder in your bra.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Bud. Did you get
my Valentine?

I'm April May June.

Yes, yes,
I vaguely remember.

Come in, come in.

So...you have
quite an unusual name.

How did you get it?

My parents are idiots.

We have
a lot in common.

So you want me to be
your Valentine, eh?

Well, I saw you
around school,

and I thought
you were kind of cute,

but you never noticed me.

You think I'm cute?

Sure. All the girls do.

Then why did I only get
one stinking Valentine?

Sorry.
I meant thank you.

Why are you scratching?

It's this darn bra.

That's better.

And don't you hate it
when they ride up on you?

Now, don't pull that upset
stomach routine with me, Al.

Come out here and tell me
you love me.

Are you going to tell me
or not?

Okay, Peg,
I'm going to say it...

but before I say it,

I want to tell you
I really hate you for this.

I don't want to do it.
I'm unhappy.

My stomach is boiling,
my palms are sweating,

and if you think you're getting
a jump after this,

you're sadly mistaken.

Of course, if you had
a brain in that huge head,

you'd already know how I feel,

but you want to hear it, fine.
This is what you want.

It's your stinking lousy
Valentine's Day present,

so here it is...

I love you.

Oh, Al!

You didn't
have to say that.

Gee, I only hope
that Steve and
Marcie

are as happy as
we are right now.

Well, I don't know about Steve,

but, uh, Marcie's having
the night of her life.

MARCIE:
* My funny valentine *

* Sweet comic valentine *

* You make me smile... *

[***]