02x15 - Build a Better Mousetrap

[bunniefuu]

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like
A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one *

* Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute
You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try *

* And you will only come
To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

Uh, Mom, are you going
to make any breakfast today?

Nah, I'm not hungry.

Well, maybe tomorrow.

Hey, did anybody hear
any noises last night?

Well, your father had gas.

No. These were noises
I never heard before.

Well, then
it could have been

a girl
moaning your name.

AL: Peg! We're out
of toilet paper!

Daddy's up.

Use some tissues.

Where are
the tissues?

On the top shelf
of the linen closet.

I think.

You need anything
while I'm up?

Well, Daddy's going
to be in a mood.

Just tell him
I went shopping.

Could you get us some milk?

[LAUGHS]

Did you hear any
noises last night, Kel?

I mean, for a while,

I thought they were
coming from your room,

but they weren't
the usual noises.

You know, the whispers,

"Quiet. You'll wake up
my parents."

Then the muffled sound
of eight footsteps

heading for the window.

Then the sound
of loose change

hitting the pillow.

You know, Bud,

with your good looks, I think
that you should be a model.

I mean, I could see it now,
your little face on a poster

with the caption,

"My daddy didn't use a condom."

You know, I had a horrible dream
last night.

There was this big mosquito

with a huge red head
and tight pants...

Hovering over me,

sucking money
from my wallet.

Then it wanted a kiss.

By the way,
where is your mother?

Uh, she went
shopping.

The garage or basement?

Basement.

Did you hear any noises
last night?

It might have been me sobbing,
son.

Aah!

Aah!

Oh! Oh! Aah!

Aw, jeez. What?

Oh, Al, it was horrible.
It was terrible.

I've never been so scared
in my entire life.

What's the matter?
You see the vacuum?

No.

Al, it was a mouse.

Oh, great. This was all
our life was missing.

k*ll it, Al.

Well, don't worry.

As soon as it sees
how we live,

it'll go away.

I know I would.

No, Al, you've got
to k*ll it.

It was so
disgusting.

Oh, hold me.

Oh, why?

I didn't do
anything wrong.

Why are you so afraid
of a little mouse, anyway?

Well, it all started
when I was five.

You see,

I found this little stray
Chihuahua puppy in the yard.

I snuck it past mother
and I kept it in my room.

I slept with it and snuggled it
and kissed it,

and then one day, it got sick.

And still, you go on
kissing others.

Anyway, I took it
to my kindergarten teacher,

and I said,
"What's wrong with my dog?"

She said,
"That's not a dog, dear.

It's a mouse."

And then she threw up.

And then all the kids
threw up.

And then, they made up
this little song about me.

* Mouse in your face
Worms in your hair *

* Where's the little
Mouse girl? *

* There, there, there **

[SNORTING]

Well, that's sweet.
Thank you very much.

Well, kids, I think we
learned something today.

Don't touch your mother.
She has cooties.

Al, call an exterminator.

Great. $ for someone
to k*ll some stupid mouse?

I'll take care of it after work.

I don't know
what the big deal is.

I mean, what harm
can one little mouse do?

Well, that takes care
of that.

The traps are set.

That mouse has seconds to live.

So as usual, it proves
that Daddy's life is dirt,

and, uh, he's defeated
the enemy.

Don't be too sure, Dad.

It says right here

that mice
are pretty intelligent.

Yeah, right.

Look, Bud, a mouse has a brain
about this big.

Mine's at least
twice that size.

Yeah, but if you
only use it half as much,

it becomes
a fair fight again.

Dad, you cannot be serious.

A mousetrap in my room?

The guys under the bed
object, Kel?

Dad, it's a humiliation.

I mean, what are my friends
going to think

when they come over and see
mousetraps all over the place?

Well, they'll think that,
unlike Mr. Bundy,

the mouse gets to eat
before he dies.

Mom, how long are we going
to have to live with this mouse?

Well, your father's
taking care of it.

Oh, great. Might as well
build him a room.

Does anybody but me
think it's strange

that with the three of you here,
it's the mouse I'm after?

Ah, look. I'm going bowling.

Oh, no, you're not.

You are not leaving
this family alone

until either you
or that mouse is dead.

Wow, what a horse race.

[MOUSETRAP SNAPS]

He's done.

What?

Why doesn't somebody
check the trap?

Well, I can't.
It's just too disgusting.

Oh, come on.

You used to sleep
with one.

Well, I sleep
with you too,

but you don't see me
cleaning up after you,

do you?

This is great.

"Daddy, I need money."
"Daddy, I need food."

"Daddy, we need somebody

to clean up a mouse
with a broken neck."

Just once
I'd like to hear,

"Al, I'm out of here
and I'm taking the kids."

But on the good side,
life is half over.

Kids, I am sorry
to make such a big fuss

over such a little thing
like a mouse,

but you know,

there are just some things
from childhood

you just can't forget.

I hope that
isn't true, Mom.

Now, how about
a hug?

Can't, Mom.
You've got cooties.

Is he down there?
Did you get him?

What happened, Al?

He doodied on the trap.

And in my bowling shoes.

Oh, my God.

He was in your shoes
and he lived?

This is no ordinary mouse.

Can we call
the exterminator now?

No, no. It's personal now.

Not only
will I k*ll this mouse,

I'll t*rture it.

I'll smack him around.

I'll throw it against the wall,

and if
there's one spark of life left

in its twitching little body,

I'll strap it to a chair,
tape its eyelids open,

and make it watch
Thirtysomething.

No one doodies
in Al Bundy's shoes

and lives!

I'm worried
about Daddy.

Shh!

Mom, even if the mouse
is stupid enough

to stick his head out
for the cheese,

won't Dad smash his hand
with the hammer?

Yes, Bud, he will.

But you know, everyone
who watches Roadrunner cartoons

knows the coyote is going
over the cliff,

but you watch it
and laugh anyway.

A-ha!

Aah!

Beep beep!

I can hear him
laughing, Peg.

He thinks
he's got me.

No, Al.

He's laughing because
he knows I've got you.

Well, you know
I have no insurance,

so you must be k*lling me
for the sport.

Honey, believe me.

Don't you think I wish
you could do things

like k*ll a mouse,
make love, earn a living?

But, sweetheart, you can't.

Now, I've learned to live
with poverty and frustration,

but I just have to draw the line
when it comes to rodents.

So please call
an exterminator.

Maybe, just maybe,
a professional can succeed

where an idiot
has failed.

Well, you'd love that,
wouldn't you?

You get a pro in here,

catch him
in a couple of seconds,

and leave me standing here
looking stupid.

Yeah, you and the mouse

would really get a chuckle
out of that.

Well, don't count on it,

because I haven't played
all my cards yet.

I went downstairs

and I only pretended
to take up all the traps,

but I left one, a big one,

with a nice juicy piece
of cheese,

and this one won't go off
with just a little pressure,

giving him
time to escape.

No, this one takes
the entire body of a mouse

to set it off.

I checked it myself.

You know, that's what really
sets you apart, Al.

An average Joe
would have used a stick.

Listen!
I hear something!

[MOUSETRAP SNAPS]

[DOG YELPS]

You stupid dog!

Al, honey, listen.

You tried.
You did your best.

But you're just
not smart enough.

Now, please,
call an exterminator.

No one has to know.

You know,

we could tell everybody
that you caught it.

How would that be?

Well...

[MOUSE CHEWING]

What is that?

He's chewing.
Al, he's always chewing.

Now, what do you say?

BUD: Dad!

Dad, the mouse chewed
through the wires.

What do I say, Peg?

I say stand back,

because I'm kicking
some mouse ass!

And $ for the vet.

Oh, and then
there's the electrician.

They're really
expensive.

That's another $ .

That comes to...

$ in damages from one mouse.

I'm sorry, Peggy.

Why can't men ever
utter the words,

"I don't know how"?

Even on our honeymoon,
Al just would not admit it.

I really thought Steve
would be able to talk Al

into getting an exterminator.

But, just like a man, he says,
"We can do it ourselves."

[AMPLIFIED BREATHING]

Don't go upstairs.
We set off some bombs.

Oh, tell Bud I think
his goldfish is dead.

How's my oxygen, Al?

Good. Mine?

Check. Let's hit
the basement.

And they wanted to hire
an exterminator.

Well, at least
yours makes money.

Yes, and yours--

STEVE: It's him!

AL: : ,
coming hard!

Watch him!
Watch him!

Aah!
Aah!

[COUGHING]

What happened?

Steve came up behind me.
I thought he was the mouse.

I shot
from the hip.

I'll tell you this.

If that mouse had been
where Steve's face was,

he'd be one dead mouse.

Did we get him?

No, buddy,

but we took out
the water heater.

Steve? Pumpkin?

Who's speaking?

It's Marcie, Steve.

Maybe now you'll tell Al
to hire a professional.

That's just
like you, Marcie.

It's like when
we're out driving,

and I know
where I'm going,

and you keep saying,
"Ask someone."

It is so irritating.

By the way, Marcie,

I inhaled a great quantity
of poison.

Don't worry about it, Steve.

It wasn't for nothing.

We may not have got him
with a direct hit,

but I'll tell you this.

He'll be dropping soon,

because we cut short
the lifespan

of every living thing
in this house.

[MOUSE FEET TAPPING]

That's him!

He's not running
as fast as he used to.

Saddle up, Steve.
We're going back in.

Forget it, Al.
The mouse beat you.

Now, you know it, we know it,
and Steve...

Well, if he didn't have
toxic poisoning,

he'd know it too.

Now, I am calling
an exterminator.

Don't call an exterminator!

Why not?

Because we melted
the phone line

when we took out
the water heater.

It's okay, Peggy.
You can use my phone.

Steve, you don't look
so good.

Honey, come on home,
and I'll lie you down.

Oh ho ho!

You'd love that,
wouldn't you?

Well, I can take care
of myself.

The feeling's coming
back to my feet,

and I'm seeing
colors again.

So I'm fine.

You go ahead.

I know what I'm doing.

Come on, Peg.

I think I'm dying, Al.

Right, but we won't give her
the satisfaction.

We'll pretend
that you're just real sick.

Right, buddy.

But I'll tell you,

we made one hell
of a team down there,

didn't we?

No, we didn't, Steve.

We shot each other in the face
with poison

while he danced on the walls.

What became of my life?

I used to win.

Sports, fights...

Anything I'd put my mind to,
I'd win.

You know why, Steve?

Oh, just tell me, Al.
My innards are rotting.

Okay.

It's because no matter
how big the guy was

I was up against,

I wouldn't quit.

I remember one football game.

We were up against this team

that had the biggest linebacker
in the city.

He was like
a building with teeth.

I tried finessing him,
faking him,

but he was always there.

He was real good,
real, real cocky.

I don't like cocky guys.

Anyhow, towards the end
of the game,

I decided that I was going
to try something

that no one else tried before
with this guy.

I was going to run right at him.

I ran right over him

like a bus
over an ice cream cone.

It was the only touchdown
we scored that day,

but I was a winner.

You know what becomes
of winners, Steve?

They become
shoe salesmen.

They lose to their kids
and their wives...

To a mouse.

You know something, Al,

I think I am going
to go home and lie down.

It's not so much
the poison

as your life
that's making me sick.

You know what the problem is
with this mouse, Steve?

We've been too cute with him.

We've been finessing him,
we've been faking him.

He's cocky.

I don't like cocky mice.

So this time,

I'm going right at him.

Al?

What are you
doing up there?

I have a date
with a mouse, Peg.

Dad's gone,
isn't he?

Will we be
getting a new dad?

Al?

Honey?

I like the mouse.

Really.

Kids, don't we like that mouse?

Oh, yeah.

He's the coolest.

He's the deadest.

Okay, kids.
Now, listen to me carefully.

Remember when we used to have
that fire drill

where we would calmly walk
single file to the nearest exit?

Well, this is no drill.

Let's just get
the hell out of here!

Say, "Cheese."

Hello!

[g*nshots]

Al?

Al?

Are you okay?

Call me a doctor, Peg!

Well, what happened?

I think I dislocated
my shoulder.

This thing kicks
like a mule.

Oh, by the way,
I missed it,

and we have
no furnace.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, folks.

I'm Wally
from Wally's Pest Control.

We hate meeces to pieces.

Yeah, we stole it,

but the cartoon characters
can't sue.

You'll never get him.

Come on.

He's right down here
in the basement.

Never.

Not in a million years.

This is a mouse
from hell.

He'll never
get him, Peg.

A little wimp
like that?

The mouse will
have him for dinner.

Well, got him.

You didn't get him.
No one could get him!

Well, "Nobody" just did.

It was easy.

Poor thing was trapped
on a piece of wood

in the rising water down there.

But technically
I got him.

I'm the one that
blew up the basement.

So I got him, right?

You sure did.
Ha!

Let me see him.

That's him.

You don't look so tough
in there, do you?

You know, lots of times,

kids get these little white mice
as pets.

Parents won't let them
keep them,

so they just turn them loose
in the streets.

Want to see him, Mrs. Bundy?

Oh, no.
Get that away.

Oh, come on, Peg.
He can't hurt you.

You've got to learn
to face your fears.

Now, take a look
at him, just once.

Stop being a girl.

Gee, Al.
You were right.

All these years, I've been
deathly afraid of mice,

and for nothing,

and it took you
to show me that.

Thanks, Al.

Uh-huh.

Good night, honey.

Good night, Peg.

[SQUEAKING]

Isn't that cute, Al?

He's running
on the treadmill.