02x09 - Alley of the Dolls

[bunniefuu]

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like *

* A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one *

* Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute *

* You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try
And you will only come *

* To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

Hi.

Hi, hi, hi.
How are you?

Gee, I just
love bowling.

The sound
of the pins,

the feel
of the ball,

the smell of...

dead farm animals.

Oh.

Ugh!

Peg, I'm going
for a beer.

You want something?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm sure a waitress
will be along in a minute.

Oh, Peggy!

Oh, hi.

I didn't
see you there.

Oh, Mimi... That is you
under that bad dye job.

Oh, kids, kids,

come meet
an old woman.

Peg, I'd like you
to meet the twins,

Roscoe and Frank.

Gee, they don't look alike.

Same father?
Or should I say, donor?

Peg, so life hasn't been
too good to you, huh?

I don't work.

Well, I don't
work, either.

I don't do anything.

Neither do I. I have a maid.

Not me.

My house is a sty,
and I don't care.

Hiya, babe.

That's my
husband, Chuck.

You poor thing.

Oh yeah?
But he has a...

[WHISPERS]

It was so nice
seeing you again, Peg.

Yes, and nice
to see you too.

God, I hate her!

What an idiot.

Look at that stupid little hop.

Does she really think
that she's going to get--

Strike!

Your turn, Peg.

Oh, no, Al. I can't.
She's watching me.

The minute I get up there,

she's going to bet
that I can't strike

like she did,
and she'll be right.

It'll be just like high school
all over again.

Peg, I'm looking at both of you.

Believe me, it won't be
like high school.

I don't know.

I kiss you and I kiss you
and you're still a frog.

Anyway, when we were in school,
we would bet on everything.

We didn't have
a lot of money then,

so we'd bet pride.

You know, we'd pick
something humiliating,

and then the loser, me,
would have to do it in public.

Ooh! Nice spare, honey!

Watch me and want me.

Stee-rike!

Yay!

Al got a strike.

My husband is better
than your husband

more than you're
better than me.

Oh yeah? Well, my kids
are better than your kids

better than I'm better than you.

Yeah, well, you're aging badly.

Oh yeah? Well how about
a little family bowl-off?

No.

What do you mean, no?

I can bowl that doofus
off the face of the earth.

We can beat them.

Yeah, but Mimi's better than me.

Not since
Bud's taking bowling lessons.

He says he's bowling .

Look at "eight eyes"
over there.

They're pathetic.

Even though Kelly stinks
like you,

what with me and Bud
taking up the slack,

we can't lose.

Go ahead, bet.

Mimi!

Yes, Peggy?

Okay, it's a bet.

Saturday night,
family bowl-off,

: sharp.

Fine.

Okay, now for the bet.

Let's see...

Loser sniffs
every bowling shoe

in the alley.

N-no.

Okay, all right.
Okay...

Um, winner walks the loser
through the mall on a leash?

No.

All right,
okay, okay.

Uh, loser runs through
the bowling alley naked.

No!
No!
No!
No!

I know.

The loser, you,

will have to dress
like a human trophy

and pose for pictures
with everybody in the alley.

Okay, it's a bet.

Good.

Oh, Peggy, I'd like you
to meet my daughter, Didi.

That's two I's,
not four E's.

Gee, you have
beautiful children.

Yeah, right.

But Didi can break .

Hey, now, wait a second.
That's five.

We don't have five.

Oh, gee, Peggy...

Surely you must have
some relatives somewhere

you can de-louse
and trot out?

No bet!

Oh, fine, Peggy. I understand.

Kids, take a look
at a born loser.

Kids, take a look
at a bald woman.

Ooh! Ooh!
Why, I ought to--

I never liked you!

Let go of my hair!
I hate you!

Ugh! Do I hate her!

Well, at least you got
that souvenir.

It's just not enough.

I really wanted that bowl-off.

I just know we could have won
if we'd had five.

Why didn't we have
another child?

Sorry.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Well, there goes
my day.

What do you want?

Hey, we're friends.

Can't we drop over
for no reason?

No.

Why are you here?

We set off a bug b*mb.

We can't go back
for another minutes.

So, what's going on?

I'm a little down tonight.

I ran into an old friend
that I hate more than life.

Did you ever go to school
with someone

who does everything
just a little bit better

than you do?

Barb Lehnhardt.

What?

My rival was
Barb Lehnhardt.

It started in kindergarten.

I let Don Thudey
kiss me on the cheek.

She showed him her underpants.

First day of gym,
I was wearing a t-shirt.

She was wearing a bra.

I finally had a chance
to beat her

at our high-school reunion.

I couldn't wait.

I had a great job,
a terrific husband,

and I'd lost pounds.

Then she went
and died a tragic death,

and that's all anyone
could talk about.

"Poor Barb."

"Poor Barb."

They could care less
that I was a success.

Her decapitation
got all of the attention.

It was so Barb.
God, I hate her.

Well, my Barb is Mimi Stoatz,

and I have finally got a shot
at beating her at bowling,

and I'm not going
to get the chance.

I'm one bowler short,
and I needed a good one.

Done.

You know somebody?

I sleep with him.

Shh! Who?

Steve.

Oh. Steve?

Look at him.

His lithe, wiry body
was made for bowling,

and he does a heck
of a little mambo too.

Al, Steve can bowl!

You bowl?

Well, I don't like to brag.
Marcy?

He's a wonderful bowler, Al.

What do you bowl?

Uh... Marcy?

About .

Uh, .

Steve,
you're a godsend.

I need you
to be my ringer.

Will you bowl for me
Saturday night?

If I still can
after you let go of me.

Thank you,
thank you, thank you!

It's Saturday night
at : .

All you have to do
is bowl great

and be a Bundy.

Yeah, right.

When I grow fur
and marry Cheetah.

Not a chance!

Besides, no one would
believe I'm a Bundy.

We'll Bundy you up.

I don't want to be Bundied up.

What if you do it
and I can't come back?

Steve, please.

Do it for me...

And I'll do it for you.

Let's bowl!

We're going to do it, Peg!

We're going to beat
the Stoatz family!

Hey, kids,
come on over here!

It's time for the Bundy cheer!

Oh, no.
Oh, no.

Come on
over here.

Whoa, Bundy!

Great news, kids.

We are going
to bowl against

the hated Stoatz family
Saturday night.

Bowl?

Yes, and we're really
looking forward

to your .

I love you, Bud.

Hey, I'm giving up
a Saturday night here.

Doesn't anyone
love me?

Kelly, you bowl a .
What do you want?

Peg, let's go upstairs
and call Mimi

and tell her the bet's on.

Oh... You better dial,

because I'm saving
my hand for bowling.

You make me sick.

Bud's the smart one,

Bud's the good one,

Bud's the hero.

Yeah, yeah, I'm giving up
a great date,

but who cares, because I stink.

So go ahead and gloat.

[SIGHS]

Well?

Kelly, the only reason
I'm telling you this

is because you're so used
to failure.

So maybe
you can tell me

how to break this
to Mom and Dad.

That money I took
for bowling lessons...

I now have a lifetime pass
to the Pussycat Theater.

And I can't bowl worth a damn.

Wait, you're not kidding me,
are you?

No, Kel.

Oh, God! I love you!

You're not going
to tell, are you?

Tell, and give up
counting the beads of sweat

forming on your forehead

because you've ruined
your mother's life?

Oh, no, Budrick.

I plan to be just as stunned
as the rest of the family.

Bud, a liar?

[GASPS]

Okay, the bet's made.

Oh, and did I tell you?

The loser has to dress up
as a human trophy.

Oh, the humiliation!

I'm finally going to beat her.

Thank you, Bud.

Yes! Thank you, Bud!

I'm the good one now.

[LAUGHING]

Bud, where's Mom and Dad?

They went to Bowl Town.
Dad needed some stuff.

What am I going to do, Kel?

Stink and be punished.

Oh, God, this is great,

and it's only
the first day.

Gee, the pressure
must be terrible.

Oh, oh, could you do me a favor?

Right after
your first gutter ball,

and I get that picture
of Mom and Dad

and their looks
of disappointment and horror,

could you
kind of tilt your chin up

so that the light catches
that tear

streaming down your face?

You're dirt, Kel.

Yes, but everybody knows it.

Howdy, teammate.

Bud's a bowler,
you know.

Uh, listen, Bud,
are your folks in?

I want to ask them
if I could be an adopted Bundy.

That would help explain

my hygiene, grammar,
and full set of teeth.

Mr. Rhoades,
could you do me a favor

and run over my hand
with your car?

When will
this punk stuff end?

A mangled hand

is not what you're going to want
when you're , young man.

Mr. Rhoades, sit down.

Have you ever lied
to your mother?

Of course not.

Well, I did tell her
I was the bank president,

but I will be some day,
so that's not really a lie,

is it?

What did you do?
I told her I could bowl.

Well, of course you can bowl.
You're a Bundy.

A failed Bundy.

She's counting on me,
and I'm going to let her down.

Well, how about this?

I have to believe

that somewhere
in your chromosomes,

there lies a bowler.

We got six days.

Let's you and I go to the lanes
and practice. You pay.

You've got a deal.

And buy me an ice cream.

Don't push it,
Mr. Rhoades.

All right.

A lot can be accomplished
in a week.

Now, let's see
your form.

Good, good.

Al, it's : !

If we don't get there
by : , we forfeit!

Come on, honey!

AL: I'm ready!

What is that?

It's my pro-bowler
a*t*matic thumb warmer,

limited edition.

Let's get us
some Stoatz meat.

Whoa, Bundy!

Okay, okay, so
you've touched paws.

Can we bowl now?

My daughter's on her way.
We'll wait for her.

Uh-uh. Not a chance.

She gets a zero
for every frame she misses.

Wait a second.
Who's this guy?

Cousin Steve.

I smell a ringer.

This guy's no Bundy.

[BELCHES]

Oops! My mistake.
He's a Bundy.

So, are we ready?

Let's bowl.

[CHEERING]

Bud! Bud! Bud! Bud!
Bud! Bud! Bud! Bud!

That's my boy! Yeah!

Come on,
k*ll those pins.

Whoo!
Yes!

Stee-rike!

Yeah! Hoo-hoo!

Well, it's about time.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I really wanted to be here
to see your face

when Bud bowled his...

?

By the fourth frame?

Bowling lessons pay off, Kel.

Thank God for Bud.

Bud's the good one.

I'm cursed.

Where were you,
anyway?

He was the most
gorgeous boy in school,

it's Saturday,
I'm young,

and this is bowling.

Okay, you show them
what you got, Roscoe.

Yeah, Roscoe.

You know, I can't
believe you.

Just once, I would like
to see you do something

to help your family.

That's my girl!

Yay! All right!

Yes!
Yay!

Uhh...

[CHEERING]

Al, he got a spare.

We're in
our final frame

and we need pins.

Twenty-three?
No problem.

Ready.

Stee-rike!

[CHEERING]

Oh, Al, Al!
Can you do it again?

That's all I ever
hear from you.

For my next ball,

I'd like a steak dinner
with all the trimmings.

I'll even
make potatoes.

Stee-rike!

PEGGY: Yeah! Yes!
Yes! You did it!

We need
three pins to win.

Three pins! Oh!

You have the sex drive
of a stone,

but I love you.

Three pins!

Let's see, which one
should I get?

The - - , the - - ,

or the ever-tricky
- - ?

Just bowl, you moron.

Okay, kids,
get out the cameras.

History
is about to be made.

Stee--

Next.

I don't know
what happened, Peg.

The ball
must have slipped.

Somebody must have tampered
with my thumb warmer.

But I still bowled a , Peg.

Good, Al.

No, I mean it, Peg.
I'm upset about this.

You know how much
this thing cost?

Are you going to be
much longer, Peg?

The kids
are getting hungry.

Just go home, Al.

You sure
you'll be okay?

Get the hell
away from me, okay?

Say good night to your mother,
kids.

Goodbye, Mom.

Bye, Mom.

Come on.

I can't walk out on her
like this.

[***]