03x04 - The Pom Pom Incident

[bunniefuu]

Calling all blonds.

Calling all blonds.

HILDA:
We read you, obnoxious cat.

- Notice anything different?
- You threw up on the sofa?

I said "different."
It's the clock on the VCR.

I programmed it.
It's not blinking anymore.

Isn't that great?

Yeah, that's what I'd call it
if I were being sarcastic.

I didn't know we had
a clock on the VCR.

We could have fixed it ourselves
if we wanted to.

We're witches.

You dames are just bitter
because I'm the man of the house,

and I know how to do
the manly stuff.

Well, you certainly have
the scratching-yourself part down.

If you really want to impress us,
programme this.

I didn't know we had a clock
on our scoreboard.

We cooked up a great show
for you tonight.

You know, fixing that VCR
got my testosterone pumping.

Mr. Can-Opener,
meet your worst nightmare:

Mr. Screwdriver.

[BELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

You know, in most homes,

the mail comes
in little white envelopes.

It's from your cousin Mortimer.

He's coming to help you discover
the family secret.

Sabrina, I should warn you.

Your cousin Mortimer is a wigician.

A wigician?

- A witch who works as a magician.
- How cool.

I mean, how unspeakably tragic.

He was so gifted.
He could have done so much.

Instead he chose
to squander his talents

entertaining gullible mortals.

And the worst part is,
he's not even good at it.

[WHEEZING AND COUGHING]

Ta-da.

That's magician for "I'm here."

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Oh, no, please, you're too kind,
ha, ha, ha.

- This must be Sabrina.
- Okay, enough small talk.

Discuss the family secret
and let him be on his way.

He's a very busy man,
and this is cruise season, after all.

No, there's no rush.

I've got a gig tomorrow night
at the Westbridge Y

and you're all comped,
if you don't mind eating family style.

- Well--
- Before you say anything,

I'm wanna show you my new closer.

Nothing up here, nothing up here,

nothing up here,
but what have we here?

Aha, and, oh, look at this.

I knew it was coming
and yet I'm still delighted.

Ha, ha, and a pickle.

A nickel.
It's supposed to be a nickel.

Oh, that's wrong. I-- It's a new trick.

Hey, you guys wanna go to the Slicery
after school today?

We're only pizzas
away from a free soda.

I can't. My dad's out of town
and I have to watch my little brother.

- What about your mom? Is she sick?
- Very. She's...pregnant.

Pregnant?

Congratulations, I guess.

- You mean your parents still--?
- Valerie, we're trying to eat here.

- I just thought at their advanced age--
- Yeah, yeah, I know. I know.

I can't get the image out of my mind.

[GIRLS SCREAMING]

All right, Westbridge.

[CHANTING] Westbridge,
Westbridge, you're the tops.

Wring Eastbridge dry
like grungy old mops.

[SCREAMING]

Tops, mops?

Someone's been reading
Molière again.

I have an announcement.

There are a few spots open on the
second-string cheerleading squad.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

I know. We haven't had
an opening in years.

Not since the time Charlene Snyder
developed that puzzling skin condition.

One zit and krrk.

So if you think you're better
than everyone, sign up for tryouts.

Hey, Libby,
you looked great out there.

Take your seat.

You know, I think I wanna
try out for cheerleading.

Oh, no.
You ate your beef stroganoff too fast

and now your brain
stopped functioning.

We better say this while you can
still comprehend it: We all love you.

What is wrong
with wanting to be a cheerleader?

Oh, no, we've lost her.

It's eerie.
It looks like she's still with us.

Hm, uh-huh.

I can dismantle this.

All I have to do is spin my head around
about times.

Or smash it on the floor.

I can't see what you're doing.

Oh, thanks so much
for helping me rehearse.

This is not supposed to hurt at all.

If you feel anything,
please speak up.

- Oh.
- I felt that.

Oh, I buy these in bulk.

I'm gonna get another blade.
Listen, in the meantime,

would you be good enough
to just sign this release?

It doesn't say anything
about dismemberment,

mutilation, internal--

Stop it.

Oh, I'm glad you guys are home.
I'm really worried about Valerie.

She's fallen in with a bad crowd.

- Trekkies?
- No, worse.

She's trying to become
a cheerleader.

What's wrong with that?
At least you get to stand up.

It's a known fact that cheerleaders
sleep upside down

from rafters of old barns.

Oh, honey, if Valerie
wants to be a cheerleader,

you have to let her.

What's the harm
if it makes her happy?

I'm not even gonna dignify that
with a response.

Let me guess. This is not a good time
to ask you about the family secret?

This is a critical time. I have to
concentrate on what I'm doing.

Don't you understand? Pbbt.

What was I doing?

Na-ha-ha. Got it.

[GRUNTING]

Wow!

It worked. It never did that before.

My legs.

Oh, I better go get them.

I think I left the back door open.

Usually it's the audience
that walks out.

- Hello?
- Anyway, back to Valerie.

No!

What are you doing?

Friends don't let friends
become cheerleaders.

Look, I've thought about what you said,
but I still wanna be a cheerleader.

I've always wanted
to be a cheerleader.

- It just seems like fun.
- But why, Valerie?

I mean, you're so smart.
You could do so much more.

You could be on the Chess Club
or the Astronomy Club

or the debate team.

Maybe I just wanna be
a cheerleader.

Look, you're gonna
have to accept it, okay?

I'm going to try out.

No president
has ever been a cheerleader.

- Hey, Sabrina.
- You okay?

This pregnancy
is really taking its toll on me.

I was driving around half the night

looking for the right breast cream
for my mom.

Okay, the less we talk
about that subject the better.

You know,
this whole cheerleading thing

is really making me feel like
I don't know Valerie anymore.

I don't see what the harm is
if it makes her happy.

Everybody wants Valerie
to be happy.

Am I the only one
who cares about her?

[SALEM
HUMMING AND WHISTLING]

Oh.

So that's why there's been
a busy signal the last hour.

- I've been trying to call my aunts.
- When I'm done,

you'll be able to call anyone,
any time you want.

You mean like we already do?

Yes, but my way shocks you
when you hit the seven.

Oh, what perfect timing.

Now you can ask me
anything you want

about the family secrets.

No question too big,
no question too small.

Ask me anything you want.

I know everything there is to know
about this family.

Well, I'd really like
to talk about Valerie.

Never heard of her.

Well, she's my best friend
and she wants to be a cheerleader,

and somehow I've gotta convince her
that she's making a mistake.

Ah, then here's what you need.
This will help.

[GROANING]

A penny? I don't think
Valerie's into bribes.

No, that's not just a penny.

With this penny you can look
right into her mind.

You can tell what she's thinking.

I already know what she's thinking
and it all rhymes.

With this, you can manipulate
her thoughts, ha, ha.

- Where'd you get such a cool trick?
- That was given to me

by the great Harry Houdini.

All I had to do was promise
never to talk to him again.

[SHOUTING AND LAUGHING]

Val, hi. I'm really sorry about yesterday.
I shouldn't have tried to influence you.

I understand. You only did it
because you care about me.

Exactly. So here.

Sabrina, you can't buy my friendship.
Especially for a penny.

No. I learned a magic trick. Look.

- See? Disappeared.
- And you put down cheerleading?

Good luck.

Valerie, this is for your own good.

SABRINA: So this is what Valerie
thinks it'll be like to be a cheerleader?

I'll show her.

[VALERIE GIGGLING]

Now, this is more like it.

[CHANTING]
Green and white. Hey, beat that team.

SABRINA: What is this,
a United Way commercial?

Give me a break.

GIRLS:
Green and white.

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

SABRINA: Making fun of Grandma
is more like the cheerleaders I know.

GIRLS [CHANTING]: Westbridge,
Westbridge, you're the tops.

Wring Eastbridge dry like...

Come to the big rally.
Bring your family.

SABRINA: Oh, please. I'm gonna
make this last one a doozy.

What are you looking at, freak?

GIRLS [CHANTING]: Wring
Eastbridge dry like grungy old mops.

Next up in our long-shot category,
Valerie Birkhead.

Uh, I changed my mind.
I'm not gonna try out anymore.

Wonder if they give
a Nobel Prize for friendship.

- Oh, morning, Cousin Mortimer.
- Yeah, Mortimer, that's right.

It's my agent.

I just wanted to tell you
the penny worked.

- Great.
- I probably saved Valerie

from a life of crime,
which, as everyone knows,

is what cheerleading
always leads to.

I'm so happy. What? Are you sure?

Nothing? Not even a grand opening
for a gas station?

Fine.

- Anything wrong?
- No. No, no, no.

They just
cancelled my gig at the Y.

They replaced me with K.I.T.T.,
the talking car from Knight Rider.

Sorry. I wish there was
something I could do.

Oh, I know you-- You wanna help.
If you would, you could.

But listen, I love being a wigician.

I just love it. The wand, the applause,
the different-coloured scarves,

the secondhand smoke, I love it.

Well, when you put it that way,
who can blame you?

Salem.

He's in the freezer,
right next to the Eskimo Pies.

Avert your gaze.
I'm working with isotopes.

Salem, when are you planning
to put all this stuff back together?

Relax. I'm on a journey
of self-discovery.

For instance, I just discovered
that it's really cold inside the freezer.

My eyes are frozen open.

- Cousin Zelda, let me help you.
- No, Mortimer--

I insist, please. Step back.

Abracadabra, abracadunk.

Please, someone help us
with all this junk.

Ah.

Hilda? Zelda?

Hello?

Do I smell curry?

I can't believe
you made him disappear.

It has to do with the--
Oh, see? Look.

Trust me, Val.
Orchestra Club is the way to go.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe that's where my kind belongs.

In the darkest corner
of the orchestra pit playing the triangle.

That's the spirit.

Now that you won't have
cheerleading practise every afternoon,

we can do whatever we want.

Go to the mall
and try on clothes we can't afford.

Take naps.

I'm even willing to go to that place
where you paint the plates and cups.

Come on, what do you say?

My mom could use
a new spoon caddy.

This is gonna be great.
You and me doing everything together

just like things used to be.

Do you guys have any idea
where I can rent

a Mother Goose karaoke machine?

Harvey Kinkle,
king of the conversation starters.

My little brother's birthday party
is today.

I'm in charge of the entertainment.

- What did you get?
HARVEY: Nothing.

I've been so busy helping my mom,
I completely forgot.

My dad is really gonna lay into me.

I'm telling you, it'll be like
the final scene from Braveheart.

Hey, I've got the perfect idea.
Oh, maybe it's not such a good idea.

Please. Anything.

My cousin Mortimer is a wigici--
Magician.

And he'd be perfect
for your brother's party.

Do you think there's any way
we could get him?

I'm going out on a limb here,
but, um, yes.

Saba-- Oh.

Oh, try again.

And this time,
try bringing Salem back.

Okay.

Prim flim blitz.

Hey, that's how I met my first wife.

Would you mind taking a seat
with the others, please?

Have I accidentally stumbled
into a Boston Market?

Hey. Great news, Cousin Mortimer,
I got you a gig.

A magic show for Harvey's
little brother and his friends.

All right, after years
of practising for this

it's finally paying off. Yes.

Sabrina, Mortimer doesn't have time
to do any magic shows.

He's too busy
trying to bring back Salem.

- Oh.
- Oh, but we're getting closer.

He just brought back a guy
waiting for his CAT scan.

And a Catskills comedian.

- Everybody comfortable?
- I make a nice living.

And Sylvia and Irving Katz
from New Rochelle.

But no Salem.

Then how do you explain
Martha Washington?

I don't know.

Besides, I don't think
you really want him around children.

It's too late.
The kids are gonna be here--

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Now.

I'm going to put
this delicious piece of cake--

Mmm.

--and put it in my hat. Ha, ha, ha.

Here it goes.
Say the magic words, children.

The magic words.

Abracadabra, se-- Ooh.

Oh, look. Flowers.

And it was a birthday cake.
Thank you. Thank you.

You're too kind.

Please give me a hand
for my assistant, Martha.

Who are you people?
And where's George?

Oh, Sabrina, I wish you hadn't
asked Cousin Mortimer to do this.

You just know something
horrible's gonna happen.

When are you two gonna cut
Cousin Mortimer some slack?

He's just doing what he loves.

- Not really well, but he's still doing it.
- He could have been so much more.

He could have been a novelist
or a chemist or a professor.

Maybe he doesn't wanna
be any of those.

Maybe he just wants
to be a wigician.

I mean, what's the harm in it
as long as it makes him happy?

Just like Valerie. Gotta go.

Thank you. You're so kind.

And now, I need a volunteer.

A volunteer, a volunteer.
How about you?

The birthday boy.

HILDA: Does he look old enough
to have dental records?

Abracadabra, abracadiff.

It's time for the birthday boy
to get a gift.

[AUDIENCE & MORTIMER GASP]

Kids, this man is a menace to society.
And household pets.

You can expect
to hear from my lawyer.

[STAMMERING]

Cat, talk.

[CHUCKLING]

My career go bye-bye.

Okay. Up until now,
every trick kind of stunk,

but that was great.

Yeah.

Did you like that?

A cat talking, my greatest illusion.

Listen, could you vamp
till I try to find the kid?

So who here's from out of town?

Abracadiggy, abracadack.

Oh, please, little boy,
won't you come back?

What? Oh!

Once again, the great Mortimer
has astounded even himself.

Listen, kid, you don't have to
mention this to your parents, okay?

Here. Go.

Val, I really blew it
on this cheerleader thing.

If there's something
that makes you happy,

then you should go for it.

It doesn't matter what I think.

And you're not just saying that
because tryouts were yesterday?

Well, it's never too late.
All you have to do is ask Libby.

[CACKLING]

You want me to extend
the cheerleading tryouts for her?

That is too sad. Even for you.

Oh, yeah. That went well.

Would right now
be convenient for you?

Um, sure.

Sabrina, I'm no cheerleader.
I can't go through with this.

Oh, what's there to be scared of?

I mean, sure, there is the possibility
of humiliation, but this is high school.

When isn't there
the possibility of humiliation?

Oh, all right, all right, I'll do it,
but on one condition.

Thanks for doing this
with me, Sabrina.

It's giving me the confidence I need.

Well, the phrase
"you owe me one" comes to mind,

yet it seems so inadequate.

Here we have Sabrina Spellman
and Valerie Birkhead.

Get ready for some comedy.

VALERIE:
Go Westbridge.

- Ready, set, hit it.
- Ready, set, hit it.

VALERIE [CHANTING]:
Cut the V.

Dot the I.

Curl the C.

T-O-R-Y.

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y.

Victory, victory,
that's our cry.

- Was I okay?
- Oh, yeah. You were incredible.

Like, uh, Martha Graham,
if she did sporting events.

Okay. Now it's time
for the essay portion of your audition.

"The effect of cheerleading

on the North American
Free Trade Agreement"?

"Midis or minis: How long and why"?

No talking.

I wish you didn't have to leave.

I never got to ask you
about the family secret.

You mean I'm two inches shorter
for nothing?

Actually, I have hidden a clue
about the family secret

somewhere in the house.

Could you light me? I'm late.

Well, if I ever get the quarter out
of my ear, I'll send it to you.

I'm gonna miss you, ha, ha.

See you.

[GRUNTING]

On second thought,
maybe I'll take the closet.

It's weird. I can't get the curry smell
out of my brother,

and he can't sleep
without sandalwood burning.

Oh, I went through that phase.

[SHOUTING]

Oh, here come the cheerleaders
to announce the new squad.

- I'm so nervous.
- Come on, Valerie.

[CHANTING]
Cut the V, dot the I, curl the C.

Now you get the hang of it?

LIBBY:
I have the results of our tryouts.

The new members of the
second-string cheerleading squad are:

Renee Phillips, Danita Jones,

and Valerie Birkhead.

[SCREAMING AND GIGGLING]

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

This is weird. I still like you.

Use them with honour.

Second-string cheerleader.

That means if a varsity cheerleader
dies or gains weight, I'm in.

Do you think some day
I'll look back on this moment

and say it was
the happiest of my life?

If the rest of your life stinks, yes.

Let's just hope this is the start
of something big.

And as for Sabrina Spellman,
who also tried out,

we'll be showing a videotape
of her audition

in the gymnasium after--

[CROWD SHOUTING]

Am I to understand I wasn't good?

SALEM: If you happen to find
any shrimp toast in the couch,

I wouldn't say no.

Hey, I think I found Mortimer's clue.

Okay, now I'm starting to think
he's weird.

Sabrina, you're gonna be getting
a lot of clues like this.

Once you've gathered them all,
they'll spell out the family secret,

but it's up to you to figure it out.

Okay, well, it looks like a superhero
with "ABC" written on him.

Is he Alphabet Man? No, no, no.

He's Spell Man.

That means the family secret's
about us?

Jeez, I hope all the other clues
are this juicy.

I can't find Mortimer's clue
anywhere.

You know, maybe it would help
if we think like him.

- Aunt Hilda, I--
- Abracadoobie, abracadoo.

Help us uncover Sabrina's clue.

SALEM:
Anybody hungry?

I know a decent restaurant
around the corner.

The Deli Lama.

Wow. This place is tidier
than the appliance section

of a department store.

You're not gonna make me buy
the extended warranty, are you?

SALEM:
I had a spiritual awakening in Calcutta,

not to be a holy man,
but to be a handyman.

So you finally have something
to do while you're awake.

HILDA: What's this?
- My mantra. You can't see it.

A receipt for $ ,
worth of appliance repair?

I'm the man of the house.
This is how men fix things.

[CRYING]