03x01 - It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad Season Opener

[bunniefuu]

SABRINA: No, really. I did.
- Yeah, right.

You're just making excuses
because you missed an easy shot.

I chose not to hit the golf ball
in the giant clown's mouth

because I didn't wanna
cause internal injuries.

I had a great time tonight, Sabrina.

Me too.

Harvey, you're doing it again.

Sorry.

I'm just wondering where you're at
with the me-or-Dashiell,

my-life-will-come-to-an-abrupt-end
if-you-don't-pick-me situation?

Well, it would help me
to know where you stood.

I just haven't made up my mind yet.

- Ah! Dashiell.
- Gah!

Um...oh, you got a delivery job at the
florist who has keys to our house.

For you.

So who's it going to be?

Me or, uh...?

I'm sorry, I forgot your name.

I know you guys want a decision
and you've been really patient,

It's just that I'm...
Talking to frozen people.

Sabrina.

We did that to Harvey and Dashiell.
We couldn't wait to give you the news.

Don't worry,
they think they're in line at the bank.

"Sabrina Spellman, please join us
tomorrow for a ceremony

honouring you for receiving
your witch's licence."

[SCREAMING]

This is so great.
And when I feel great, I get suspicious.

- What's the catch?
- No catch.

Once you get you witches' licence,
you'll automatically have all the power

and knowledge in the universe
inside of you.

And thanks to modern medicine,
it no longer requires invasive surgery.

So I'll be able to decide
between Harvey and Dash?

- Yeah.
- Well, what are we waiting for?

Let's go celebrate.

You two remind me of my first wife
on our honeymoon, heh-heh, ungawa.

Good night, everybody.
Drive carefully.

I'm a witch hitter.

KRAFT:
Okay. Attention, everyone.

As you all know,
this year Westbridge High

ranked number one in the county
on the school-board exams.

And so to celebrate

what I can only assume
to be flagrant cheating

on the part
of the entire student body,

Principal Larue is giving you
a dance this Friday.

Yeah.

And the theme of the dance is a movie
to be selected by an honour student

who did particularly well
on the exams...

Oh, boy.

Sabrina Spellman.

Sabrina, will you
go to the dance with me?

Oh, I, uh--

DASHIELL: Hey, Sabrina,
you wanna go to the dance with me?

Down here.

[SCREAMING]

I take it that's a no?

Look, I can give you
an answer tomorrow,

but first I have to go
give the chef my compliments.

Dashiell, you're gonna
get me in trouble.

I can't be talking to you
when you're in a cream sauce.

DASHIELL: I can't be responsible
for my actions, Sabrina.

- I care about you too much.
- Oh, that's sweet.

I had a lot of fun going to dinner
in Atlantis the other night.

The fish was good,
but the chips were kind of soggy.

Great, so say yes
and go to the dance with me.

Look, I can tell you more tomorrow.

I'll know so much more
about everything tomorrow.

[DASHIELL SCREAMING]

There's nothing greater in life

than creaming someone in chess
over the Internet.

You said the same thing last week
about finding food in the couch.

ZELDA:
Okay, bye.

That was Mr. Kraft.

He wants us to chaperone
the dance with him Friday night.

- I told him we'd love to.
- Oh, no.

Me and Willard Kraft
at a dimly lit dance together, ugh.

You know what that means.

A stolen moment
in the janitor's closet?

No. It means I'll have to
spend my whole evening avoiding him.

Which means no time to make fun
of how the awkward kids dance.

I may have
the answer to your troubles.

What if I asked him to be my date?

I couldn't ask you to do that.

Well, actually, I find him attractive.

Oh, no.
Salem, Zelda has a brain lesion.

But if you have
any problem with it whatsoever,

I won't ask him.

Me?

Why would I have a problem with it?
I mean, he's not my boyfriend.

You know, in fact,
you would be doing me a favour.

Well, great.

Then I'll ask him.

Wow, you must feel
like a huge loser.

Huh? Who said that?

Ow.

Miss Spellman,
have you reached a decision

on a movie theme for the dance yet?

I was kind of leaning towards either
Saturday Night Fever or Grease.

I've never heard of those films.

Really?

Did you hear World w*r II ended?

Miss Spellman,
you should be aware

that I have final approval
on your choice.

Therefore, I strongly suggest
that you chose my favourite film:

Billy Jack.

I've never heard of it.

You're just saying that
because I just said it.

No, I really haven't, and I think
that it should really be my--

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]

Look, I told you kids boom boxes
are not allowed on school property.

And I was--

That's it. No more
buying sushi at the gas station.

Just think, Salem,
after today's ceremony

I'll be able to choose
between Harvey and Dash.

Life will be forever changed.

Well, what's a good countermove
when someone steals your bishop?

You didn't hear a word I said.

Sabrina, an Albanian potato farmer
is whupping me in chess.

You gotta help me. I hate to lose.

Well, sorry, Salem,
I don't know how to play chess.

So I guess you're just gonna
have to accept your fate,

and learn to lose with some dignity.

Well, would you at least help me
type in my response?

Dear Yuri, you have a big nose.

- Salem, I'm not typing that.
- You didn't let me finish.

I was gonna say, "You have
a big nose for an ignorant monkey."

Now, chop-chop, start typing.

Is it facial hair?

Do you have an unquenchable desire
for men with facial hair?

Hilda, will you please stop?

I'm not gonna tell you
why I like Willard.

Willard?
Oh, now you're calling him Willard.

Gee, Zelda, when's the wedding?

Honey, oh, you look beautiful.

Thanks. I'm a little nervous
about getting my witch's licence.

I wish you guys could go with me.

I know, but parents and guardians
have been banned

ever since the invention
of the camcorder.

Well, take a good look.

This may be
my last moment of humility.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Does he have some inheritance
that I don't know about?

Hi. There must be some mistake.
I was supposed to be

at a party for my witch's licence.
My name is Sabrina Spellman.

- Nope. You're in the right place.
- It can't be.

It's supposed to be
this huge celebration.

Look, I can take care of this
all at home.

Could I have my licence?

You have to complete
one more test before I can issue it.

What's the test?

What is the most dangerous time
to ride your vacuum?

During, A, heavy rain,
B, light rain, C, hail.

Really? That's the whole test?

A, B, or C, please.

Well, that's easy. B, light rain.

Congratulations, you passed.

And please remember
witching is a privilege, not a right.

Now, this is more like it.

ZELDA AND HILDA [SINGING]:
For she's a jolly good witch

- For she's a jolly good witch
- For she's a jolly good witch

- For she's a jolly good witch
- For she's a jolly good witch

- Which nobody can deny
- Which nobody can deny

Wow, you guys made it.

Sorry we had to fool you.
There's this silly rule

that if you tell anyone
about their ceremony,

the Witches' Council
cuts your tongue out.

I see hors d'oeuvres.

Sabrina, I believe
you two have already met.

This is your cousin, Doris.

Wow, you were
in on this the whole time?

- How'd you keep a straight face?
- I was classically trained.

Oh, well, it's nice to meet--

--you. What was that for?

Your witch's licence photo.

But I wasn't ready.
It's gonna be awful.

Hasn't the woman ever heard of
the phrase "cheese"?

Oh, come on, Sabrina.
Everyone thinks they've got

the worst witch's licence picture.

ZELDA: And you'll be no exception.
- Doris, could you take another one?

This one's terrible.

Are you saying
you don't like my workmanship?

Doris, calm down.
Sabrina didn't mean--

Because when people don't like
my workmanship, I get angry.

And when I get angry, I--

[CROWD GASPING]

Okay, you know what?
The picture's fine. Let's go.

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

Ow!

Sabrina, there's something
we have to tell you.

Besides the fact
that my licence is electrocuting me?

Before a witch
can actually use her licence,

she has to discover
her family secret.

Excuse me?

Yeah. Our family has a lot of secrets,
but there's one in particular

that will break
the spell on your licence,

and then you'll be free to use it.

Trust me, it's a doozy.

And to help you discover the secret,
family members will visit us periodically

and serve as your guide.

- Doris will be your first visitor.
- I'm looking forward to it.

I can't believe this.

You're telling me
I can't use my licence at all?

That means I have to decide between
Harvey and Dashiell on my own?

Like a normal teenager?

I'm sorry, honey.

This just stinks.

[CHATTERING]

Sabrina, we need to talk to you
about your decision.

Oh. Right. Yeah, my decision.

Well, see,
a funny thing happened. I--

You haven't decided yet.

Boy, thanks for cutting me off there.
I ran outta steam on that one.

Well, we've come to a decision
on our own.

We both really like you,
but we can't keep waiting like this.

So if you don't decide by tomorrow,
you don't get either of us.

And not just for the dance.

Forever.

You know,
maybe we could do joint custody.

You'd get me every other Christmas.

Hey. Couldn't help overhearing.
Was it bad?

Awful. They gave me an ultimatum.
What am I gonna do?

Uh, jump for joy
that two guys are fighting over you?

It's not that easy.

This is one of the toughest decisions
I've ever had to make.

I hate to bother you, but we need to
know what theme you want the dance.

Oh, I completely forgot about that,
uh...

- make it Grease.
- Okay. Has Mr. Kraft approved that?

Because I think this Billy Jack
guy might be a friend of his.

I have too much on my mind
to worry about what Mr. Kraft wants.

Just make it Grease, okay?

Oh, you know, Mr. Kraft is also open
to a Mother, Jugs & Speed theme.

[CHUCKLING]

Hilda, what do you
think of this letter?

[CLEARING THROAT]

"Dear Yuri. Congratulations.
I'm amazed that a person

of such low intelligence
could defeat me in chess.

Hats off to your mother
for marrying her brother."

I'll stop.
After that, it gets a little mean.

That's nice, Salem.

- Is something wrong?
- Yes, something's wrong.

Zelda stole my boyfriend.
That's what's wrong.

But I thought you despised Mr. Kraft.

Last time you went out,
you came home and took a bath

like Meryl Streep did in Silkwood.

Yeah, but haven't you ever
had a person in your life

who you find truly revolting

and the thought of them
touching you makes you gag,

but you keep them around
because they compliment you?

That's what they teach in church.

- What am I gonna do?
- Just go down to the school

and ask him to the dance.

He'll get all mushy and say how
he wishes he could go with you,

so you'll feel better,

but you're in no danger
of an actual date,

because you already know
he's going with Zelda.

That's not half bad.

Hey, when you spend eight hours
a day licking your butt

you come up with a good idea
every now and again.

I have to decide between
Harvey and Dashiell by tomorrow,

and I have no idea
who I'm gonna choose.

- What am I gonna do?
- My dear, sweet,

if not simple, Sabrina.

Haven't you learned anything from
years of being under my tutelage?

That squirrels are meaner
than they look?

No. Use the agic-may ook-bay.

Of course. Why didn't I think of that?

Look in the Love section underneath:

King, comma, marriages of Larry.

Oh.

Here's one that will give you a physical
manifestation of your feelings.

It says here if I use this spell correctly,
my heart will be revealed to me.

- Sounds gory.
- Nah.

The only spell that's literal
is the heart-on-your-sleeve spell.

This just shows
your true heart's desire.

All I have to do
is sing the following song

while placing my hand
over my chest.

I feel kind of stupid,
but at this point I'll try anything.

[SINGING]
What's it all about, Alfie?

Is it just for the moment we live?

This song always makes me cry.

[CRYING]

SABRINA [SINGING]:
What's it all about, Alfie?

VALERIE:
Hey, Sabrina?

Mr. Kraft found out you picked
Grease and he's looking for you.

- When does that man do his job?
- He's furious.

Apparently, he already had
a Billy Jack outfit.

And I don't mean he had
it made for the party.

I mean he already had it. Scary.

Well, you shouldn't be seen with me.

- Save yourself.
- Thanks. This is me leaving.

[SPURS JINGLING]

Harvey?

Okay. I'm gonna have to start
helping you buy your clothes.

Oh, no. This must be the spell.

They're gonna fight over my heart.

Being a witch would be a lot
easier without all the magic.

So, Dashiell, gotta ask yourself:

Do you feel lucky?

I've always been lucky.

Hey. Look, is that Vince Lombardi?

It was worth a shot.

Oh, Sabrina, there you are.

Oh, uh...

Hey, hey, hey.

If you hear anything in the next
few minutes that sounds like g*nshots

and the last pleading cries
of a dying man, it's not.

No, please,
do not try to change the subject.

I am here to talk about the dance.

I don't hear anything, do you?

Well, I thought
I just heard myself speaking.

Really? I don't.

- I should go have my ears checked.
- Sabrina--

[HORSE NEIGHING
AND HOOFBEATS]

That's funny, I don't remember
this school having a blacksmith.

- Where'd they go?
- Don't hurt me. I got a family.

Valerie, has anything been weird
in the cafeteria?

The milk is fresh today.

Good. That's good.

Good. Everything will be fine
as soon as I stop saying "good."

[GRUNTING]

HARVEY [IN FRENCH ACCENT]:
Prepare to die.

My love of Sabrina
is greater than my love

of not bathing
and movies with no plot.

HARVEY:
Pardon.

[HARVEY & DASHIELL
SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[HARVEY ROARING]

Those drama students.

You know, they really need
a lot of attention.

Sabrina?

Sabri--

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Well, my, my, Willard.

Just the vice principal
I wanted to see.

Hilda, what are you doing here?

Well, I've come to see you,
silly puss.

I wanna talk about you and me

and a little dance
we're going to on Friday night.

Oh.

Hilda, I thought you knew.
Your sister already asked me.

She did?

Well, fiddlesticks on her.

How dare she take
my man away from me?

Gee, I had no idea you felt like this.

I mean, you know
how crazy I am about you.

I mean, you're beautiful,
you're funny--

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Thanks, that's all I wanted to know.

- Maybe some other time, then?
- Yeah, I'll call you, but-- Oh!

[HARVEY MUTTERING]

Oh, Hilda.

How about Saturday night, huh?

I'll make a batch
of Harvey Wallbangers,

We'll put on the History Channel
and just kiss all night.

Hey! Hey, if you guys stop fighting,
I'll give you ice cream.

[GRUNTING]

Doris, what are you doing here?

I'm supposed to talk to you
about the family secret.

Doris, there are two ninjas
fighting to the death

for my love
in the middle of my school.

Now is not a good time.

You know,
I came all the way over here

on Other Realm public transportation
so you could talk to me.

- This makes me angry.
- No. Doris, don't get angry.

Um, I'll ask you about
the family secret.

- Uh, what is it?
- Too late. I'm already angry.

And when I get angry, I--

No!

Harvey!

Well, it looks like you're busy.
I'll come back later.

Dashiell, I'm sorry.
I guess I didn't get to you.

No. I know what happened.

My big brother warned me
about the spell.

You jumped in front of Harvey

because he's the one
your heart chose.

Wow. So the spell worked.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. Me too.

But I'd still like to be friends.

I'd like that too.

[CHUCKLING]

Yeah.

Harvey?

Harvey? Are you okay?

Um, you fell on your head.

Repeatedly. In various parts of
the school.

[GROANING]

I hope no one saw me.

Harvey, if you're still up for it,

would you like to
take me to the dance?

Really? Great.

Could we go somewhere where
someone could look at my spine?

Hey, you're still here.

- Shouldn't you be at the dance?
- Yeah, but I'm gonna wait awhile.

I feel so stupid going without a date.

So paint on half a moustache
and go with yourself.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I am Yuri. I come to k*ll Salem.

Uh-oh.

[IN HIGH VOICE]
Salem's not here.

Can I help you?

Salem has insulted
my mother for last time.

I will wear his entrails as hat.

Huh?

Salem's not here right now,
but I know where you can find him.

He happens to be
at a high-school dance I'm going to.

I'll take you to him. Okay?

Thanks a bunch, Hilda.

I'll never call you stupid
behind your back again.

I didn't do it for you. I need a date.

And underneath all those pelts
it looks like he's got a pretty good body.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

[IN SQUEAKY VOICE]
Wow, you look amazing.

Thanks.
Why are you talking like that?

My mom thought for authenticity
I should wear a girdle.

Whalebone is not that giving.

Excuse me.

Mr. Kraft, I don't remember
your character from Grease.

Were you in the director's cut?

You know, Sabrina,
when people make fun

of my Billy Jack outfit,
I just go berserk.

Willard, please. Stop that.

Hi.

- You are Salem.
- No. Oh, no, no.

- This is supposed to be Billy Jack.
- I will eat your eyes like candy.

Sabrina,
there's no easy way to say this,

so I might as well just say--

Well, how should I put it?

Harvey, you're babbling.

- Will you go steady with me again?
- Really?

I'd love to.