02x24 - Sabrina's Choice

[bunniefuu]

Great.

Friday afternoon. No one around.
Levitation spell.

Follow me.

Heavy reading.

It looked like your book bag
was just floating behind you.

Ha, ha, wouldn't I love that?

But I...

All right, that's the last time I buy
Minoxidil out of somebody's trunk.

Giddyap.

Oh, I need a horse.

Hey, guess what. I was the rd caller
to the radio station

and I won two tickets
to the Lisa Loeb concert this weekend.

You're kidding. I've devoted my life
to being the rd caller.

But I'm a purist.
I never use speed dial.

So you wanna go?
They're great seats.

You mean we can actually
see the band?

- I can't.
- Why?

Well, I went out twice last week

and I sort of promised my aunts
I'd stay in and do some schoolwork.

It's not like I have a lot. Heh.

The seats are right next
to the speakers.

Oh, man. That's where the fights
usually break out.

Never puts anything away.

Leaves mail everywhere.

I don't want to know.

You need something?

You in a better mood?

Oh, I'm just irritated with Hilda.

Sometimes I feel like
I'm living with a small child.

Except this child can reach
the high cabinets.

You know, maybe you should
talk to her.

Uh, and I think it would be best
if I wasn't around.

And amazingly enough, Harvey
is willing to take me away to a concert.

Oh, you wanna know the time.
Friday at .

Didn't you say you were gonna
stay home this weekend?

Possibly.

Didn't you say you had
a lot of work to do?

You're paraphrasing, but yes.

And didn't you promise not to even
ask permission to go somewhere?

Heh, that Aunt Hilda's
a real pain, huh?

I went to a bad movie
and a -cent store with Valerie

and for that I have to miss
a free concert?

Oh, I'll feel sorry for you tonight

when I'm sleeping in my wicker basket
by those old paint cans.

I can't believe Zelda.

Where does she get off
holding me to what I agreed to?

What is that famous expression?

"If at first you don't succeed,
try another aunt."

- Doesn't sound very honest.
- You want honest

or do you wanna go out
and bleed from your ears with Harvey?

- Lose something?
- My mind, possibly.

I bought a new pair of shoes.

I left them on this table
for seconds,

and now they're gone.

I'd say they didn't walk off
by themselves,

but in this house it could happen.

I know what happened: Zelda.

She's a compulsive neat freak.

Back during the plague,
she used to get upset

if people didn't leave their dead
in neat, tidy rows.

Speaking of neat, Harvey won
these incredible concert tickets.

- Wow.
- I thought I should ask permission.

Hey, you know my motto:
life's short and--

Wait a minute. Did you talk to
the queen of clean about this?

Aunt Zelda? Well, sort of.

She was busy complaining
about how messy you are.

That woman.

I'll bet she said no.

No. She did not say no.

Well, then, note your exits
and bring me a T-shirt.

All right. Thanks, Aunt Hilda.

[LISA LOEB'S "I DO" PLAYING]

- Can you hear?
- What?

Can you hear?

- I only brought a dollar.
- What?

HARVEY:
Good night, Sabrina.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

- Sabrina.
- Still up?

[THUNDER CRASHES]

I'll take that as a yes.

Who brewed the storm?

Hey, how was the concert?

You knew she was going?

Yeah. I told her that she could go.

Should I not have?

- You said she didn't say no.
- Which was true.

Technically.

I see what happened here.

You didn't like my answer,

so you went behind my back
to my irresponsible sister.

What? I am just as responsible
as you are.

Hey, I'm trying to sleep.

Why can't you act like a normal family
and argue on the front lawn?

Hilda, if you were really responsible,

Sabrina would not have
gone to that concert.

If you weren't a stick-in-the-mud,
she wouldn't have had to come to me.

If I'm stuck in the mud,
it's because of the mess you make.

Door.

Thanks. I was just gonna get that.

GORDIE:
So if there's no new business,

then that concludes this meeting
of the Science Club.

Oh, uh, uh,

I know this is non-Science Club
business, but uh, I was just wondering.

Uh, my parents are going away
for the weekend,

and, you know,
we have that big-screen TV,

and the indoor pool--

Empty-house party!

[STUDENTS CHEERING]

Great. Why can't Gordie's parents

have a couples-therapy weekend
when I'm not grounded?

Hey, did you hear about
Gordie's party?

I bet the cops will be there before .

- I can't go.
- You have to go.

You'll have nothing in common with
the entire student body if you don't go.

I mean, I'll still like you,

but I don't think we'll have
anything to talk about.

- No.
- Oh, but everyone's going.

I even think the custodial staff
is coming.

No. No fun.

But this isn't fun.
It's a matter of survival.

If I don't go, I'll be president
of the Geeks Anonymous,

only I won't be anonymous.

Then I hope God
grants you the serenity

to know that my answer
is something you can't change.

So you went home during lunch?

Your Aunt Hilda's still saying no?

Now she's moved on to "No way"

and "Ask again
and you'll never see sunlight."

Hi, Harvey.

Sabrina, I heard Ellen Healy can't go
to the party either,

so she's transferring
to another school.

It's just a dumb party.

Right. And New Year's Eve,

will be just another night
of hats and horns.

But don't worry,
I'll be there to keep Harvey company.

This party will be so big,
she'll never find me.

[FOOT STOMPS]

ZELDA:
Where is my carbolic acid?

[SIGHS]

Hilda.

I can't ask Aunt Zelda
to let me go to that party.

- Do it. Do it.
- Okay, I'm going in.

- Aunt Zelda?
- Yes?

Uh, I'll make this quick.

Uh, the president of the Science Club
is having a...

- What? What?
- The Science Club.

Oh, I love the Science Club.

I wish your Aunt Hilda
had had more science.

I think it makes a person organised.

Oh, well, I tried to talk to her
about this, but-- Pfft.

She grew distracted
by something shiny?

Ha-ha-ha. That's a good one,
Aunt Zelda. You're pretty funny.

Well, you can tell me. I love science.

Okay, well, um, see, this Saturday,
the Science Club is having a special--

Meeting?

Yes. People will be meeting.

Well, you go, then.
Women in science, Sabrina.

That's the future. You go.

And you be the brightest one there.

Um...

Okay.

Aren't you glad
you didn't miss this party?

What?

Hello, Sabrina.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

But before you ground me again,
I think you should know

that the trend these days
is to factor in time served.

What are you gonna do to me?

Under the circumstances--

The only thing we can do.

- You're throwing me out?
- No. I'm moving out.

This is a very odd punishment.

You guys can't split up.

Well, look at what's happened.
We're not good parents together.

This is all my fault.

Nonsense. You're just one of
a multitude of things we disagree on.

I've already picked out
a lovely townhouse.

I loathe townhouses.
See? We even disagree on that.

You'll come stay with me
this weekend.

- Well, see you, Zeldy.
- Bye, Hildy.

I can't believe this happened.

I can't believe you tricked me
into letting you go to that party.

Well, now that Aunt Hilda's gone,

why don't we just blame it all on her
and call it a night? Ha.

[CHUCKLES]

Welcome to Chez Hilda.

It didn't look like this
when I moved in.

I did a little remodelling with magic.

You are aware this looks exactly
like Aunt Zelda's place?

It's the exact opposite.

Plus, I added a doily.

I hate it.

Come on, I'll show you your room.

How can you hate it?
It's just like home.

Because I hate change,
and it smells like sweat and spit.

- That's you.
- Oh.

- Oh, hi.
- Hey.

- What are you doing here?
- Just checking out your new digs.

Can't quiz you if I can't find you.

Mind if I, uh, use your shower?

Go ahead.
Just don't use my razor again.

Hurry up and unpack.
I'll take you to school,

and then I'll get ready for the party.

- Party?
- Yeah.

I'm having a housewarming.

I'll need to zap in chips,
decorations, guests...

I better go make a list.

Don't forget the quinine water.

Fun party? Could this get any worse.

Oh, come on.
Sure, it's a little weird,

but, you know, moving between
two houses has its upside.

I hear travel broadens you.

[CRYING]

I'm a latchkey kitty.

[BLOWS NOSE]

- Hey.
- Hey, that's my lunch.

I have a message for you.

You're summoned to a meeting
of the Witches' Council.

LIBBY: Mr. Kraft,
I wanted to run an idea by you.

KRAFT: Mm-hm.
- Reserved seating in the cafeteria.

But-- Here's the best part:
only for cheerleaders.

Now? But I'm at--

[SABRINA YELLS]

Fascinating.
I'll have to get back to you on that.

My ex-wife is behind this.
I just know it.

Why am I here?

Oh, parking ticket? Beheading?
I didn't ask.

This custody hearing regarding
Sabrina Spellman will come to order.

But I'm already in custody.

My parents turned my witch training
over to my aunts and I live with them.

But your aunts are kaput.

The Witches' Council insists
you reside in only one household.

- Why?
- Check Article , Section .

Because you say so?

Now, you have to choose
which aunt you wish to live with.

This choice will affect
the rest of your life,

so choose wisely.

Okay, who's it gonna be?

You want me to decide now?

You've lived with them for over a year.
You must have a favourite by now.

So spill it. I got a squash game.

I don't have a favourite. I love both.

This is a court of law.

This is not a greeting-card company.

We'll reconvene later
for your decision.

Ready?

- You're going down this time, man.
- Come on. Come on. Come on, then.

Oh, that's it? No help?

I hope you both get...

...squash elbow.

Whoo.

Oh, my-- This-- That's--
You-- You should--

Whee!

JUDGE:
So, Sabrina,

I trust you've made up your mind
which aunt to live with?

I can't decide. I guess we'll just
have to forget the whole thing.

We should grant you
a "What if?" spell.

What's a "What if?"

It allows you to look into the future
and see what might happen if, say,

you never brushed your teeth.

Or if dogs took shorthand.

I see, like, what if Kenan and Kel
won the lottery?

Where did you put the ticket?

- What? What are you doing?
- I got hungry.

Keep looking.

Oh, oh!

Oh, yes. Hey, Kel.
Kel, man, I found the ticket, Kel.

Hey, Kel. Man, I found the ticket--

[CRIES]

Bite?

Okay, let me try a "what if?"

- Uh, what if--?
- Excuse me.

This is the remote.
We've gone digital.

Okay, let me try again.

Uh, what if I went to live
with Aunt Hilda?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

SABRINA:
Harvey. Hey.

Grab some wheels.
Let's go mountain biking up the stairs.

No, thanks. I just wondered
what happened to you.

Oh, right.
We were supposed to get married.

- I figured you forgot.
- No, no, no.

You gave me a licence to sign.
It's around here somewhere.

Oh, here it is. Sorry about the gum.

- It's not too late, is it?
- Yeah.

I gave you that three years ago.

Man, I'm so disorganized.

Well, you're here now.
Let me grab my coat.

Sabrina, I've moved on.
I married someone else.

- And you didn't call?
- I did.

You told me you'd call me back after
you finished your game of "Tetris."

How's that going, by the way?

Look, I came here because
I wanted you to meet my wife.

Honey?

[SCREAMS]

All right, she's alive.

- Can we go now?
- You wanna meet our little one?

Ew.

Okay, that's not good.

I don't thing I need to see
if I choose Aunt Zelda.

Let's assume that
it'd be better than that.

Never assume.

Two parts citric acid,
one part noodles--

LIBBY: Sabrina?
- Come on in, Libby.

I've come for my weekly supply
of your anti-aging cream.

Sure. Here you go.

- What do you say?
- Sabrina's the best. I'm a freak.

Okay, I'm helping mankind
and keeping Libby on a short leash.

There's more.

KRAFT: Sabrina.
- Come in, Mr. Kraft.

I've come for my weekly
jar of anti-aging cream.

Here you go.

Thanks so much for letting me
be a part of your experiment.

Now, you be honest to me, now.

I'm in the placebo group, aren't I?

Not necessarily.
You could be part of Group C.

They're getting aging cream.

- Uh-uh.
- But probably not.

If you were, you'd have suffered
some loss of hearing.

Oh, thank you very much.
I just got these shoes.

Okay, well, see you next week.
Hopefully.

KRAFT:
Say hi to Sabrina if you see her.

So my science is going well,
but it looks like I'm still alone.

HARVEY: Sabrina, could you
hand me my book if you're not busy?

Great. Harvey and I are together.

I'm definitely voting for Aunt Zelda.

No problem, honey.

You know, as soon as I finish
these next experiments

I'm gonna find out not just how
but why you dissolved.

No rush, but I would like to be let out
of the anti-aging experiment.

- Why?
- Because I think it's keeping me alive.

You've seen both scenarios.

What is your decision?

Well, I definitely don't want
to live with Kenan and Kel.

- I don't know.
- I'll give you one more day,

but that's it.

If you haven't made a decision by then,
I'll be forced to pick for you.

And I'm thinking orphanage.

Salem, what am I gonna do?

I can't just choose one.

I have to find a way to get Aunt Hilda
and Aunt Zelda back together.

Is there a spell that would force them
to share a spleen?

Okay. How about if I find something
that they both love and cherish

and put it in danger?

Oh, what are you gonna do to me?

Not you. Me.

Oh, thank goodness.
But I am willing to help.

I could push you down the stairs.

SABRINA:
Aunt Hilda?

Aunt Hilda, I think I might be sick.

That makes two of us.

Oh, let's get you to Zelda.

Crisis management
is not my strong suit.

Do you mind riding in the back?

Well, the good news is no lice.

The bad news: not even enough hair
for a decent combover.

Aunt Hilda,
will you stay the night with me?

Yes, honey. Do you mind, Zelda?

Oh, not at all. I'd appreciate it.

I'm gonna go make you
some nice noodle soup.

I put that under C, for chicken.

Or was it P, for poultry?

I'd better help.

Salem, it's working.
They'll be back together in no time.

I've been sizing up their spleens
just in case.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

ZELDA: Thank you for coming
so quickly. We need a specialist.

No, they called the doctor!

I was against this plan
from the beginning.

I thought she was a specialist.

HILDA:
She is. A specialist in hairdressing.

- She thinks you have a follicle problem.
- I think my brain might be sweating.

Ah.

Are we in the neighbourhood?

No! It's horrible!

Oh, well, listen, don't worry.

It can be fixed.

Listen, I'm gonna need
a bucket of ice,

some antiseptic ointment,

and I need Sabrina
to sign a release form.

And, uh, why don't you
turn up the stereo?

It helps drown out the screams.

Stop. I can fix it myself.

- Would restraints help?
- It was a spell.

I was trying to get you guys
back together

because I don't like us
not being a family anymore.

You did what?

Look, if I were sick, could I do this:

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay, so I'm no Ken Berry.

Sabrina, we have
a confession to make.

We didn't really split up.

Okay, you live in two different houses
because...?

We pretended to split up
to help you learn

that we're better parents as a unit.

You shouldn't
pit us against one another.

You couldn't tell me this
before because...?

We did, and you responded by
sneaking off to the Science Club party.

And I have no response
for that because--

- You know we're right.
- But why did the cat have to suffer?

Wait, this couldn't have been a ruse.

I mean, I was called before
the Witches' Council.

And we were happy to help.

It's been a slow month,
and I've got teenagers at home.

Talk about your full-service
organisation.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

I've gotta go deal with a little boy
who won't wash behind his ears.

This time, I get to be a matador.

Well, I've certainly
learned my lesson.

But are we all aware
that he did not fix my hair?

And now aren't you glad
you're grounded?

Oh, thank you for returning
Sabrina's book.

Oh, no problem.

You know, it's kind of funny.

My grandmother's been
wanting me to see someone.

I'm sure you'll meet someone nice
when you least expect it.

No, this is "see someone"
as in psychiatrist.

Although admittedly,
I have been seeing

quite a few strange things
here and there. Mostly here.

I don't know what you're referring to.

Well, strange sparkly things
and paper dissolving

and staircase slides

and a townhouse that looks identical
to this Victorian home.

Oh, you don't need a psychiatrist.

You just have a wonderfully
active imagination.

You probably feel so free
to let yourself go around us

because we're so relaxed
and comforting.

- And normal.
- Good, so we're normal.

SABRINA: Oh, quit complaining,
Salem. I think you look cute.

- Anything else?
- I-- No.

SALEM:
I'm not happy.