02x21 - Fear Strikes Up a Conversation

[bunniefuu]

Hey. Guess what.

The New Yorker
accepted my short story?

Mrs. Quick read my essay,
"How Math Applies to Real Life."

She liked it so much, she wants me
to read it in front of math class.

That's wonderful. Isn't it, Zelda?

Zelda? Zelda.

Attention, Zelda.

Did you say something?

Oh. I'm sorry.
I have to present a paper

at a big scientific symposium
in the Other Realm,

and I have so much more research
to do.

Oh, that's okay.
I just wanted to tell you about my...

Aunt Zelda?

Aunt Zelda!

I am really worried about her.
She hasn't eaten or slept in days.

She's even been too busy
to disapprove of me.

She must be dead.

She's been working too hard.
She needs to relax.

Maybe we could try aromatherapy
or a mallet?

I know what to do.

Aloha?

It's hopeless. I guess you and I
might as well have a luau.

No, thanks. Mai tai
might make me groggy for homeroom.

The cat could party. Mmm.

Hi. I'm Betsy Ross.
You need a flag by when?

So, what did Mrs. Quick like best
about your essay?

That my ideas
were clear and concise.

Clear, concise. Got it.

Next time I write an essay,
I'll be sure to be fuzzy and wordy.

That way I'll avoid the terror
you're about to endure.

What are you talking about?
It's in front of students.

- What's the big deal?
- Sabrina, guess what.

I liked your essay so much,
I've arranged for you to read it

in front of all of the math classes
in school.

[GASPS]

[HYPERVENTILATING]

Valerie thinks there's something
stressful about speaking in public.

- What do you think?
- Oh, I don't know. I don't get stressed.

I get hives.

SALEM:
Feed me.

Is she still working?

She's supposed to feed me
every half-hour.

I'm so weak.
I'm in the mood for crepes.

Don't worry. I've come up with a plan
to bring Zelda back to reality.

Or you could feed me.

"Divide that by equal parts of--"

- Must need new glasses.
- Zelda? You have us all really worried.

I'm trying to attain
a deeper understanding of molecules.

I want to ennoble humanity.

I know,
and that has to stop right now.

Maybe I have been working too hard.

- I can't just stop cold turkey.
- Turkey? Please.

Don't worry. I've come up with a plan
that will keep you occupied

and relaxed all at the same time.
Come with me.

Now.

We've always wanted
to organise the family photos.

And you'll be able to keep busy
without working yourself into a frenzy.

Oh...

I've always loved this picture
of Uncle Toots.

- I'll put it right here.
- Good.

Oh, this is relaxing.

But maybe Cousin Emma's photo
would be better on this page.

- Zelda.
- Let's see.

Uncle Toots' black hair would look best

- next to Uncle Emmet's yellow teeth.
- Zelda!

Or should I arrange them
by head size?

Aren't you going to congratulate me?
I'm your new spring queen.

We haven't voted for that yet.

Voting. You're so naive.

Come Friday and the gap between us
will be even greater

due to my...royal station.

I'd genuflect,
but my Tater Tots are getting cold.

Well, I'm going out for track again.

But last year
you impaled yourself on the hurdles.

Yes, but on the bright side I discovered
I also enjoy food through a tube.

VALERIE:
Hey, did you hear?

Sabrina's reading her essay
to all the math classes.

Oh, man, that's brave.

What's the big deal?
I mean, what could go wrong?

- You might start vomiting.
- And let's not forget sweating.

Or sweating's emotional cousin:
weeping.

None of these things are shameful.

unless you have a problem
with a nickname like "Pit Stains."

Sabrina, here's some good news.

It took some doing,
but I convinced Mr. Kraft

to let you read your essay
at tomorrow's assembly.

Does this look infected? Oh.

So tomorrow's assembly.

I'll be in the front row,
just like I was for Titanic.

Only this
will be way more disastrous.

I've gotta find Mr. Kraft
and tell him I can't do this.

You have to do it. It's all set.

I tried to get Steve Allen,
but he's already booked.

So now it's all up to you.

It's just an assembly.

Oh, no. No, it is the first assembly

that Principal Larue
has put me in charge of,

so it has to be a great speech.

We are talking
FDR's first inaugural address.

We are talking Lincoln
at Gettysburg.

We are talking Billy Crystal
at the Oscars.

Has to be that good.

Well, "Pit-Stain Spellman"
does have a certain ring to it.

SALEM:
This is so good.

- What is it?
- A sour ball I found under the couch.

HILDA:
Hey, how was school?

Awful. I have a big problem.
I gotta talk to Aunt Zelda.

Wait a minute.

Why do you always go to Zelda
with your problems?

I mean, I'm your aunt too.

Why don't you tell me
what's going on?

Okay. Well, I have to read an essay
at an assembly, and I'm terrified.

Oh, this is a problem.

Have you considered running away
from it?

That was my first thought. Aunt Hilda,
sometimes you underestimate me.

Wait, wait. Give me a second chance.

I know. You know,
a little fear can be a good thing.

You just have to learn to live with it
and deal with it.

That is good advice,
but not what I wanted to hear.

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?
Do you think I should I talk to Zelda?

Is that a Jolly Rancher
under the table?

Zelda, Sabrina has a problem.

Morris' picture will completely destroy
the Uncle Emmet sequence.

Zelda? Zelda?

Danger, Will Robinson.

[SMOKE HISSING]

Zelda?
Zelda, what happened?

Speak to me.

[BIMBO VOICE]
Oh. I love your lipstick.

You are a classy broad.

You got cul-cha.

- Come again?
- Come on, doll face.

Let's do the Charleston.

Something has happened to Zelda.

I have to deal with it.

Okay, dancing is not the answer.

SALEM:
Sabrina?

When are you gonna come out
from under your blanket?

SABRINA: Never.
- Don't be afraid. Life is short.

Oh, please. What fearless thing
have you done lately?

Well, I-- I slept in a pile of laundry
I wasn't familiar with.

Look, haven't you
figured this witch thing out yet?

- The magic book?
- Unless you're afraid of it now.

Let's see.

"Fear, removal of. See Page .

Before extracting fear, see warning."

Hello, Sabrina.

Hey. Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
You're the guy who said,

"We have nothing to fear
but fear itself."

Actually, what I wanted to say was,
"We have nothing to fear but poverty,"

but my advisers told me
I should come up

with something a little punchier.

Good line. Great delivery.

Thanks.

Sabrina, I must tell you

that if you use your magic
to get rid of your fear,

it could cast a shadow
on the rest of your life.

Have you ever had to read an essay
in front of a high school assembly?

Well, no, but I did overcome polio
to become the leader of the free world,

and I carried this country

through the biggest economic crisis
in its history.

And I faced the forces
of totalitarianism

in the gravest conflict
in recorded time.

But you never had to read an essay
in front of a high school assembly?

Uh...

No.

Then you can't relate
to what I'm saying,

can you, Mr. President?

All right.
"To activate fear removal,

drink a glass of water
while opened to this page."

[HICCUPS]

Close the book. Close the book.

Salem,
don't be such a scaredy-cat.

I can't wait for the assembly tomorrow.
My essay's gonna rock.

Looks like your fear is gone.

Yeah, you're right.

The fear must have been
scared out of me. Whoo-hoo!

Stop it.
Oh, you know I can't stand this ride.

Woo-ho-ho.

Hold me.

No doubt about it,
a clear case of witch snap.

It happens to witches' minds
when they've been overworked.

[AS GINGER]
Okay, Skipper.

You and Gilligan forge for berries
while I prepare a coconut soufflé.

Why is she acting like that?

Right now
she's going through gingersnap.

I'm glad you figured that out,
Professor.

Now maybe you can think of a way
to fix the hole in the boat.

The only thing that will cure her
is no stress.

So make sure
that she has nothing on her mind.

Well, if I recall that character correctly,
she doesn't.

- What's up, Val?
- Aah!

Why are you looking at me like that?

You don't want
to be my friend anymore, do you?

Valerie, are you all right?

No. Sabrina keeps staring at me,
and it's making me nervous.

Well,
maybe you should see the nurse.

I was gonna have her check out
my hives.

- I don't see any hives.
- Oh.

I can see the nurse has poisoned you
with her lies too.

Come on, Valerie.

Wait a minute, is magic behind this?

Come on, Sabrina,
don't jump to conclusions.

KRAFT [OVER P.A.]:
Attention, everyone,

this is Vice Principal Kraft.

I have an important announcement
to make.

I don't want to die!

Okay. Time to jump to conclusions.

ZELDA [BABY VOICE]:
Grab the stwingy, Sawum.

- Isn't this fun?
- Hilda.

It'll pass. She's just going through
the sugar-snap phase of witch snap.

I'm gonna give Salem a hug.

Does Kevorkian do animals?

Ugh! Unbelievable.

Zelda balances this chequebook
every month,

and I've never seen her
in a homicidal rage.

[TOASTER DINGS]

Well, if you feel like k*lling someone,
might I suggest Zelda?

Oh, no.
Zelda, your symposium is tonight.

If your paper isn't presented,
you'll be kicked out of the academy.

Do you think you can
pull yourself together to give it?

- I'm gonna kiss you.
- Okay, that would be a no.

Hey, Sabrina. Zelda wants you
to try to balance that chequebook.

I can't. I'm too upset.

I-- I tried to overcome my fear
by casting a spell.

Now there's this shadow
following people around school.

Oh, no.
If you use magic to release your fear,

the fear gets loose
and preys on mortals.

Didn't Millard Fillmore warn you?

Actually, it was FDR,
but I blew him off.

FDR?
Oh, they've upgraded the magic book.

Excuse me.
Aren't we in the midst of a crisis here?

Right. You've gotta go back
and get everyone in the entire school

who's been affected by your fear
shadow to come home with you.

Oh, no problem.
Right after I end hunger.

No, and hurry,
the longer the shadow is loose,

the greater the fear will grow.

Okay.

When I said crisis, I meant Zelda.

[SOBBING]
She's putting booties on me.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Wait, Valerie, stop!
Why are you so afraid?

The earth, the stars, space.
We're decomposing as we speak.

Mr. Kraft, I need you to get everyone
out of this school and to my house.

Oh. That is just
what my enemies want.

- Enemies?
- I am surrounded by enemies.

People plotting against me
behind my back.

People who want my assembly
to fail.

There's nothing going on
behind your back

- except...
- Ah!

Mr. Kraft, when are you gonna formally
make me spring queen?

I know you.
You're one of the four horsemen.

The one with too much eye shadow.

We should never
have stopped school prayer.

Wait, why are you wearing
so much makeup?

Because
what if I'm not made spring queen?

Then the next thing you know,
I'm not gonna be summer princess

or autumn empress
or winter goddess.

What if I never win another
seasonal beauty pageant again?

Wait, you have some lipstick
on your teeth!

My hives have turned into gangrene.
Will you cut off my arm?

I have a hacksaw at my house.
If we go right now--

No!
I can't risk being exposed to sunlight.

If you won't help me,
then I'll just have to gnaw it off myself.

Harvey!

Don't touch me!
You could break a bone.

Good thing you stopped me. I was
gonna put my hand on your shoulder.

I just don't wanna get hurt.

Football, hockey, track, cards.
They're all so dangerous.

- Cards?
- You ever had a paper cut?

Who do you think I am,
Evel Knievel?

Attention, I've just been informed

that Vermont has declared w*r
on Massachusetts.

Luckily,
there's a b*mb shelter at my house.

So if we all hurry,
we can get there in time,

but the most important thing
to remember is--

ALL: Ahhh!
- Don't panic!

Okay, Salem,

since I have to present Zelda's paper
for her, you have to help me.

Okay.

"The uses of the hyrazine--"

[FLATLY]
It's pronounced "hyraxine."

Zelda, you're back!

- It's pronounced "hyraxine."
- Uh-oh.

Zelda,
what's your favourite soft drink?

It's pronounced "hyraxine."

Great. It's the biggest night
of Zelda's scientific career,

and she has the verbal skills
of a potato.

It's pronounced "potahto."

[CROWD SCREAMING]

I managed to get everyone from school
to come home.

Great. Now all you have to do
is get the shadow

through the closet
and into the Other Realm.

Well, how do I get it into the house
and keep everyone else out?

You know how dogs can smell fear?
Well, fear can smell dogs.

[DOGS BARKING]

KRAFT: Let me in the b*mb shelter.
Let me-- A pack of wild dogs!

[SHADOW GROWLS]

[BARKING CONTINUES]

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Oh. I thought they'd never leave.

Oh. Well, I'm glad we took care of that.

They can handle my fear
in the Other Realm.

You have to go to the Other Realm

and confront your fear,
or it will always haunt you.

Do I have to go alone?
Isn't there a group package available?

- Can you come?
- Oh!

Yeah, like I don't have enough to do.

- Brrrr-rrr-rrr.
- Stop that.

Why don't you take Quizmaster.
He's knowledgeable, resourceful,

and he's strong.

- I'm gonna need someone strong?
- If you wanna live. Go.

I have a paper to give.
Oh, I hate being the responsible one.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Once again,
no one remembers to feed the cat.

Why is it so dark in here?

Well, your fear shadow
has engulfed this whole area.

Everything you encounter here
will be one of your subconscious fears.

It is the forest of your fears.

- Really? That's what it's called?
- Well, actually, it's called Pine Valley.

Anyway, I just flew in from out of town,
and, boy, is my broom tired.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, so on with the lecture.

Okay, it-- It starts with kind of
a triangular symbol,

and then I-- I guess the scientific term
for what comes next

would be the thingy.

This is hard.

I-- I just have to concentrate.

[SMOKE HISSING]

[NORMAL VOICE]
Hilda. Hilda, what are you doing?

What's going on? Hah!

Oh, dear.

[SINGING IN BABY VOICE]
The eensy-weensy spider

Went up the waterspout

Now, you see that door?
You have to make it through that door

without turning back.

Is that all? I guess we came
to the forest of my fears on an off day.

[BOTH SCREAM]

- Mrs. Quick!
- She's not really Mrs. Quick.

She's a symbolic manifestation
of your fears.

But Mrs. Quick doesn't scare me.

Oh, I'm so glad to hear that

because I've talked
to several universities,

and no one will accept you.

I don't like this game anymore.
I'm going home.

Sabrina, you have to move forward.

You don't know this,
but you're not gonna do very well

on your SATs.
No college, no future, Sabrina.

I have your fast-food uniform
right here.

No! No. No, I'll be okay.
There's always trade school.

Wow.

I am afraid of not getting into college.
Maybe that's my biggest fear.

[BOTH SCREAM]

No, it's people jumping out
from behind trees.

Sabrina,
you're a good friend with a soft heart.

Ooh. I'm shaking.

You should be because a soft heart
will only hold you back...

...in the real world.

You have to be tough
in the real world.

- You mean, you can't just be nice?
- Nice guys finish last, Sabrina.

- What about Mister Rogers?
- Have you seen his ratings?

Jimmy Carter and Audrey Hepburn
and other nice people.

I mean,
occasionally, nice people do succeed.

You know what? I've had enough.
I'm gonna go to my room and cower.

Sabrina, come on, you're doing okay.
You have to be brave.

That way.

Hilda, why don't you sit here
and occupy yourself

while I talk
to the nice Nobel Laureates.

[GIGGLES]

Well, you came here
to hear me read my paper,

so let's get right to it.

Hilda, no.

[ANIMAL HOWLING IN DISTANCE]

[SCREAMS]

It-- It's a clown.
I've always been afraid of clowns.

Oh, so the way you dress
is how you confront your fears?

Are you afraid
of being snatched baldheaded?

Because
that's what's going to happen.

I'm not afraid of clowns.
Why are you scaring the quizmaster

in the forest of my fears?

I'm not gonna waste my scariness
on you, freak.

Although, as long as I'm here,
I may as well remind you

that everybody has commented
on how you're...

...different.

Hey, I don't care if Sabrina's...

- ...different.
KRAFT: Ha-ha-ha.

But she's not just different.

I happen to know she's a witch.

ALL [CHANTING]:
You're a witch!

You're a witch! You're a witch!

No! No! No!

You're a witch! You're a witch!

Wait a minute!

Right, I am a witch.
I'm proud of being a witch

because it means I can do this:

Way to go, Sabrina.

All you have to do
is walk through that door

and face your ultimate and final fear.

If you find my nervous system
anywhere around, I'd like it back.

And now, to read from her essay,
"How Math Applies to Real Life,"

Sabrina Spellman.

[APPLAUSE]

[CLEARS THROAT]

"In the beginning
there was the word,

but in order to mark
when the beginning was,

we needed numbers.

Making math
as big a part of life as language,

although not quite as big as TV."

[CROWD CHUCKLING]

"At first, math seemed so complicated,
I was afraid of it,

but once I took the time to study,
it wasn't scary to me anymore,

which proves that knowledge
and experience

are the best weapons against fear."
Thank you.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Great speech, Sabrina.
Now you can finally face your fear.

Wow,
my fear looks just like Steve Allen.

Ha-ha. I know what fear is,
believe me. I did live TV.

- It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
- Wait a minute. Meet.

That rhymes with sweet.
You gave me an idea for a song.

[SINGING]
When you beat your feet

Down the street

All the little birdies
Go tweet, tweet, tweet

He's gone. All right.
Fear is out of my life forever.

Oh, not quite.
He's there to remind you

that fear is something
that will always be a part of you.

You have to be willing to deal with it.

Hey, is Steve Allen
gonna be on all my clothes now?

Oh, come on, Sabrina.
Don't take everything so seriously.

Lighten up.

All right, whatever you say.

Oh. Clowns. Yeah, well, you know,
I can handle that.

[NOSE HONKS]

Everyone said they loved my speech.
Mr. Kraft said it was up there

with something
Steve Allen would do.

That's nice, dear.

Aunt Zelda,
you seem down in the dumps.

Oh, it's nothing.

Just my scientific career
is now in a shambles.

[TOASTER DINGS]

Hey, there's a message
from the Other Realm in the toaster.

Get it out
so I can make an English muffin.

I don't believe it.

Because of the symposium fiasco,

I've been given a grant
to study abnormal phenomena

in already abnormal witches.

[IN FOREIGN ACCENT]
Thank you, boys.

The songs of Bavaria,
we'll never forget them.

She's in
the Lawrence Welk-snap stage

of witch snap. This is perfect.

And now, a little polka.

And a one-a and a two-a
and a three-a.

[PLAYING BOUNCY TUNE]

I didn't know it until now,
but Aunt Hilda playing the accordion

is my biggest fear.