02x18 - The Band Episode

[bunniefuu]

Hilda's still not back
from her audition?

No. That's Spanish for "no."

Well, I hope she got the job.

It's so hard for her to find
a place to play around here.

Yeah, her musical talent
is a wonderful gift.

And she needs to bore
other people with it.

Let's face it. Classical music
isn't the gravy train it used to be.

It's not like the golden age.
Vienna in the s.

In those days there were more
orchestras than consumption wards.

And you were never ostracized
for eating a dead rat in public.

Aunt Hilda's so talented,
I'm sure she got this job.

[HILDA GRUNTS]

And she has a very strange way
of celebrating.

Should I get my ears pierced?

Hey, guess what.

The school's having
a battle of the bands.

- And I signed us up.
- I didn't know we were a band.

Every group
had to start somewhere.

Usually in a garage.

We can leapfrog that and start
in the gym. What do you say?

We could have cool outfits.

- We could work on dance moves.
- Put together a light show.

- I always wanted to be in a band.
- Me too. We're in.

- Great.
- So does anyone here

actually know
how to play an instrument?

- I'm so close.
- Why don't you drop cold fusion

and work on an ink
that doesn't stain your fingers?

All I need is a formula
patented by Dr. Terdlington.

Which means I would have to
call him and ask for permission.

Oh, no. Isn't he that guy
you had to compete with

for the Other Realm
research grant?

Exactly.

Zelda Spellman made a strong
impression with her paper

"Polymers:
More Uses Than You Think."

But the winner is
Dr. Clark Terdlington.

It's been an unbearably long
evening of dull speeches,

so I'll make this brief.

I'm better than you.

ZELDA:
It was so unlike me,

but I just couldn't stand
his arrogance.

[FARTS]

And now it turns out I need
that sanctimonious blowhard.

Oh, just call him. Tell him
that you changed your medication

and that you're feeling better.
That always works for me.

- Wish me luck.
- Another classical audition?

Sort of.

Okay, you got the job.
You're our new strolling fiddler.

Was it my Beethoven?

It's just that you fit into the costume.

Sabrina! Oh, thank goodness.
No one was injured.

- How do we sound?
- Stay in school.

Well, if it isn't
the Electric Freak Orchestra.

And by the way, the cheerleaders
have a band, and we're gonna win.

- She doesn't know that.
LIBBY: Yes, I do.

Cheerleaders always win.
And geeks always lose.

I believe they call that
the natural order.

I do not want to lose to Libby.

We have to get good,
and we have to get good soon.

We're not good?

Dr. Terdlington,
that is so kind of you.

Of course you're aware that it's kind.

I'll see you soon.

That pompous swine
might let me use his formula.

I'm gonna be able to
give the world cold fusion.

Super.

What does it mean?

May I play something
for you gentlemen?

Perhaps some Chopin, Mozart?

If one of them wrote
"Turkey in the Straw."

[PLAYING
"TURKEY IN THE STRAW"]

[PLAYING DISCORDANT
ROCK MUSIC]

It was kind of hard to hear,
but we suck, right?

And that was with gym echo.

LIBBY: I hope someone
brought some baking soda,

because something stinks in here.

Oh. Look. It's Sabrina's band.

I'd think of a snappy comeback,
but it's true.

Okay. Hit it.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
ON STEREO]

[SINGING]
There's a little bit of me in you

A little bit in everything you do

You still stuck on that
whole "us winning" thing?

SABRINA:
Come on. It's not so bad.

I mean, the only difference between
us and them is they're talented.

Makes you wonder if Hitler
was actually a good painter.

ZELDA: Libby insults you
because she's jealous.

I don't think so.

Is there a spell
that can make dogs howl

every time she
opens her mouth?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You have to be careful
how you treat people.

Even rotten people.

You might regret it one day.

Dr. Terdlington.

I believe this whoopee cushion
is yours.

For instance, today.

[PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC]

And I thought giving
Henry VIII a sponge bath

was the low point of my life.

I had no idea
you could bottle talent.

Where do you think
that expression comes from?

A six-pack of refreshing talent,

now with the handy twist-top.

Cool. But I won't use it
unless it's absolutely necessary.

Hey, I don't care how you justify it.

Promise you won't tell
Aunt Hilda or Zelda?

Mum's the word.

Howdy, y'all.

Hi. So how'd the gig go?

Lousy. I tried to merge the worlds
of art and prime rib, but I failed.

Well, the important part
is that you tried. Gotta go.

I'm glad Zelda left the labtop open.
Think I'll whip up some seasonings

to make those Philistines at the
steak house appreciate good music.

Not a peep out of you.

Mum's the word. Ooh.

Déjà vu.

Excuse me! Excuse m--
Put a sock in it!

Thank you. Now, I understand
that everyone has been informed

that I am judging
the band contest tonight.

- Yes.
- Okay, so no talent

isn't the only thing against us.

Well, that information is incorrect.

For me to judge the contest
would be unfair.

Now you've lost me.

The contest will be judged by the
producer of Rock and a Hard Place...

Westbridge's only cable TV showcase
for local bands.

- ...Dwayne Kraft.
- Kraft?

Yes, Dwayne Kraft.
My nephew.

Thank you so much
for reconsidering

and giving me a chance
to plead my case, Dr. Terdlington.

And apologise.

Mostly I just want you to apologise.

LIBBY [SINGING]:
Fits together perfectly

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

The Libby Chessler Generation!

Maybe we should've taken lessons.

Come on, you guys, we can do it.

Follow that, Freaka McEntire.

It's necessary.

Well, I'm thirsty. How about you guys?
Want a drink?

- No, thanks. I'm full.
- And I'm prone to gastritis.

Come on. I need the money
on the empties.

[MAGIC ZINGS]

[MAGIC ZINGS]

Okay, it's only fair
that I let the final band compete,

Although the expression "just a
formality" certainly comes to mind.

Please welcome

Entry Number .

- We forgot to come up with a name.
- Just play.

Two, three, four...

[PLAYING ROCK MUSIC]

[SINGING]
One way

One way or another

I'm gonna find you

I'm gonna getcha, getcha
Getcha, getcha

One way or another

I'm gonna win you

I'm gonna getcha, getcha
Getcha, getcha

One way or another

I'm gonna see you

I wanna meetcha, meetcha
Meetcha, meetcha

One day maybe next week

I'm gonna meetcha

I'm gonna meetcha, I'll meetcha

I will

Drive past your house

And if

The lights are all down

I'll see who's around

One way or another

I'm gonna getcha, I'll getcha

I'll getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha

One way or another

Okay, fine. Fine.
Do we have a winner here, judge?

The best band in this battle
is Entry Number !

Hello, Westbridge.
Are you ready to rock 'n' roll?

[CROWD CHEERS]

Listen. I'd love to send a crew
over here,

tape you guys for my show.

Yeah!

Well, let me talk it over
with my band.

- Okay, we'll do it.
- All right.

Aunt Zelda, we won.

You should've seen
the look on Libby's face.

Shock and disbelief
really become her.

I hope you remembered what I said
about being mean to people.

Zelda.

Have you decided
to forgive me yet?

Not yet.

Another one might help.

[FARTS]

So close.

[SCREAMS]

It's a great--

Sabrina, I wrote a song
for our TV debut,

but the drummer
has a problem with it.

Take a look at it.

Valerie, you wrote a song
called "My Valerie"?

Wait till you see
what he wants to do.

I drew up some ideas
for a complete new look for the band.

That's you and Val.

Why are we dressed like worms?

They're brown unitards.

It's a comment
on an asexual society.

And I'm the universal love being,

signified by the goat ears

and the sleeveless spandex
vestments.

- "Love being"?
- Yeah, but we can't sing about me.

- I'm trying to change America.
- Oh, yeah?

Hold it. Why are we fighting?
We're friends.

Because he has a stupid idea.

Oh, yeah. I am not gonna
perform dressed like a bug.

- This is my band.
- Your band?

Lady, we don't need no pepper.

Oh, no, this is classical seasoning.
It adds taste.

How come you ain't playing
that "Turkey in the Straw" I asked for?

[MAGIC ZINGS]

You know what would be
simply marvellous?

Yes, some incredibly
obscure Wagner.

If you insist.

[PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC]

"Valerie, my Valerie, foxy little junior
walking down the street.

Valerie, my Valerie--"

Would you be terribly upset
if I threw up in one of your shoes?

Salem, what am I gonna do?

Well, you've always been able
to talk things out with Harvey.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello.
- Hey, Harvey, it's Sabrina.

Hey. So you gonna
wear the brown suit?

[PHONE BEEPS]

- Uh, no. Listen--
- Hold on.

He put me on hold.

[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYS]

Since when does Harvey
have Muzak?

Hey. Sorry about that.

I didn't know so many chicks
had my home number.

[PHONE BEEPS]

- You're listed.
- Hold on.

Hey, sweetness. Let me
dump Sabrina, and I'll be right back--

That's okay, goat boy, I'll dump you.

I wish I'd never given them
a swig of talent.

It's ruining our friendship,
and I can't even enjoy winning.

Perhaps you're feeling bad because
Libby sang with genuine talent

and deserved to win. Don't hit me.

Great, now I feel annoyed
and guilty.

If you want your friendships back,

maybe you should take the fizz
out of the egos you inflated.

- I wish I could.
- You can.

They take a sip of flat talent,
they go flat too.

Great. So I'll just let these go flat,

and when I see Harvey
and Valerie tonight,

they'll drink, and we'll go back
to being talentless friends.

Did you pop one for yourself?

Me? I haven't been affected
by having things go my way.

Oh, please.

Little Miss "I'm Too Cool
To Do My History Homework."

I had an autograph signing.

Okay.

Libby, are you here for the show?

Please. I have a date tonight,
and I left my sweater here.

I go to the carnival
when I want to see sideshow oddities.

Maybe these won't be necessary.
Maybe Harvey and Val

will show up and be their old selves.

Please. Don't they have
roadies to do that?

- Drink?
- No, thanks. I asked for clear soda.

And I don't see the blackened-tuna
papaya hummus we demanded.

Don't they know who we are?

Come on. Let's split one.

[MAGIC ZINGS]

[SINGS OFF-KEY]

They're good.

We'll grab some eats, and I'll tell
the others about you joining the band.

- What?
- What?

Hi. Sabrina, Valerie,

I'd like you to meet Sunset.

You can't just bring
someone into the band.

Especially someone
named Sunset.

You said.

Listen, I'm the rhythm section,
and I say--

- Oh, excuse me, drummer boy.
- Guys, let's just have a drink.

- Here's your four-alarm hummus.
- Finally!

Sorry. Sunset says I should
only have water before a performance.

Hey. Sabrina.
I just want to tell you

I think you guys have what it takes
to go statewide.

- Really?
- Oh. Big bucks to be made.

Wow. With a lot of money,
we could help a lot of people.

You could buy a lot of stuff.

Yeah. They could always
lose their talent later.

- Beg your pardon.
- Nothing.

Let me just talk it over
with Harvey and Val.

[MAGIC ZINGS]

That's funny.

I can't remember
how to hold a guitar.

So long, lot of stuff.

[LAUGHS]

Beg your pardon?

A woman of my standing
enjoys caviar and fine wines.

I could not have ordered

"rootin' tootin' beans."

You did, Lorlene.

And you threw in a,
"Hee-haw!"

Beans, caviar, it all goes well
with Rimski-Korsakov.

[PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC]

All right, let's get some sound levels.
All right, whenever you're ready.

[PLAYING DISCORDANT
ROCK MUSIC]

Well, I see you guys

took that bad-rehearsal,
great-show thing to heart, huh?

I'm sorry, Mr. Kraft.
I guess the other day was just a fluke.

- We'll just go.
- No. You just listen up, young lady.

Dwayne put his butt on
the line for this remote.

Well, remind me to thank him.

And when Dwayne puts his butt
on the line, his mother gets testy.

His mother, who is my sister

and the owner of the house
where I am currently a guest.

Where I am intent on staying a guest.
Got it?

When did we get bad again?

I can't suck on TV.

You'd think I'd be good at humiliation.
It's just another thing I failed to master.

Harvey, you go help Valerie
remember how to hold a guitar,

and I'll try to figure something out.

Could you get rid of Sunset?
She scares me.

If only I could really sing.

If only someone could really sing.

Libby can sing.

Wait, is that really better
than embarrassing myself all over TV?

Let's go with yes.

I was just in the girls' bathroom.
What am I doing here?

Isn't it weird, you're doing something,
you're mind is somewhere else,

and bam, you're in a gym and
you're asking, "How did I get here?"

- How did I get here?
- My point exactly.

But since you stopped by,
I need a little favour.

Hello. You don't know me,
but I just wanted to say,

Dr. Terdlington is a hero,
Zelda Spellman is a zero.

Now on to the B's.

That's it. I am through apologising.

Either you give me the formula,
or you go.

You know, Zelda,
I've always liked you.

You-- What?

Well, the science biz is so full
of phoneys, but I like your fire.

Well, actually,
I've always admired you.

Not your personality, but your mind.

Dinner?

Love to.

And you want me to sing for you?

In exchange for eternal gratitude,
endless flattery,

and a piece of the merchandising.

- I'll do it.
- You will?

But let's get one thing straight.

It's only because I love to sing.

And we love to hear you sing,
because you sing so very, very well.

And you're pretty too.

Let's change "endless flattery"
to cash.

Send this ghastly smear
back to the galley

and give the chef lashes
for his crimes against eating!

I'll never dine in
this establishment again!

WOMAN:
I'm appalled!

Perhaps a little Vivaldi?

You know, it's funny.

Without customers,
we don't need a fiddler.

You're fired, Hilda.

Fine. I'm keeping the dress.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

[SINGING]
There's a little bit of me in you

A little bit in everything you do

There's a little bit in you
It goes a long way deep into you

There's a little bit of you in me

A little bit of you in everything I feel

Makes us fit together

Perfectly

Cut. Hey, Libby, you were great.

Well, good save.
Suspicious, but good.

Amazing how things worked out.

Yep. The winner won
as the freaks looked on in amazement.

All's right with the world.

Well, I happen to believe that
if a waiter wants that percent tip,

everything has to be perfect.

- You are terrible.
- Yes.

Well, it's late.
I suppose I'd better go.

Right.

Oh, by the way,
can I have that formula now?

Nope. Never.

Then why did you put me
through such misery?

Revenge.

How about dinner next Tuesday?

How about you kiss my cold fusion?

TERDLINGTON:
Give me back my pants!

So are we still speaking
to each other?

Yes. If we never talk about
how bad we played today.

I can't figure out what went wrong.

Was there something
in that hummus?

Let's remember not to let anything
like this get in the way of friendship.

You mean success?

I don't think
that will be a problem.

I blame Sunset.

Salem,
There are five bottles here.

That's very good, Sabrina.

Now, what colour is the tablecloth?

No. I brewed six.

Where's the last bottle of talent?

[MAGIC ZINGING]

[SINGING] Every little thing
That you have said and done

- Feels like it's deep within me
- Feels like it's deep within me

[HUMMING]

Doesn't really matter
If you're on the run

It seems like we're meant to be

I don't care who you are

Hey, guys. Come on.

Where you're from

The game's still tied.

What you did

As long as you love me

Who you are

Where you're from

Don't care what you did

As long as you love me

As long as you love me

I've tried to hide it
So that no one knows

But I guess it shows

When you look into my eyes

What you did
And where you're coming from

I don't care

As long as you love me, baby

What are you doing here?

How come they didn't win?

- I don't care who you are
- Who you are

Where you're from