02x13 - Little Big Kraft

[bunniefuu]

Ooh, here comes Aunt Hilda
and Mr. Kraft.

- Ten bucks says he kisses her.
- Twenty bucks says she throws up.

And that is why I packed up everything
I owned into my ' Dodge Dart.

And I just left Muncie
and headed for Westbridge.

- Uh-huh. Good night.
- You know,

I had a wonderful time tonight, Hilda.

A heavy heart, Beloved,
Have I borne

From year to year
Until I saw thy face

Oh, would you look at the time?
I really, really--

[SPELL ZINGS]

Isn't that your car
rolling down the hill?

Oh, good Lord.

[HORN HONKS]

Quick. She's coming.

Hey. What are you guys doing?

A heavy heart, Beloved,
I have borne

- From year to year
- Hold me, Willard.

[KISSING NOISES]

A cat is doing an imitation of me
kissing my niece's vice principal.

So this is my lowest moment.

[SINGS HIGH NOTE]

[COUGHING]

- So where did Mr. Kraft take you?
- The cattle auction.

There's a man
who likes his beef fresh.

No, he just likes to know
the price of cattle.

We skipped dinner. He's on a diet.

Whenever he's hungry,
he drinks iced tea.

He hasn't lost any weight,
but at least he's jittery.

I don't know what to say.
Is that a fun date for people your age?

No. Willard's one of those people

who hit middle age
and just forgot how to have fun.

Hildegard Antoinette Spellman.

You used my laptop again
without asking.

And then there are some people
who are middle-aged their whole lives.

The purpose of the laptop

is to help discover cures
for the problems of the world.

Not to make fudge.

I'm sorry, Zelda.

Boy, this has not been
a good night for me.

You don't have to go out
with Mr. Kraft anymore.

- I'm seeing him again this weekend.
- What?

- What?
- Well, he may be a bad date,

but when you live as long as we do,
you have a lot of Friday nights to fill.

Well, I feel refreshed.

Oh, here. Maybe I can help.

Have you ever tried anger therapy?

Now try it.

Oh! Oh...

It usually works on the one
in the faculty lounge.

Sabrina, look. The PTA is sponsoring
a ski trip to Vermont this weekend.

Let's sign up.

I can't believe the PTA came up
with something fun to do.

Let's see how they ruin this.

I'm so glad they picked you
to chaperon the ski trip.

Well, you know my motto:

fun, with discipline.

Did your hope die first or mine?

Motion passed.

All nut items will be eliminated
from future bake sales

due to janitor Bill's allergic reaction.

And I am told he is finally
breathing on his own again.

Okay, next up:

We need to vote on
how to spend the money

that last year's seniors left.

[COUGHS] Loser.
- Heard that.

Well, I think we should spend it
sponsoring the cheerleaders

to go to a unique
cheerleading workshop

in France.

Oh, please.

So the brightest and best
of today's youth

taking their American values

over to the godless countries
in Europe.

I think that is a nifty idea.

Any other proposals?

I think we should get
a drinking fountain that works.

Not only would it benefit our class,
but the entire student body.

Uh-huh. Okay, well, let's vote. Those
in favour of the drinking fountain,

raise their hands.

All those in favour of sending
our cheerleaders to camp,

raise their hands.

Okay. Motion passed.

Congratulations, Libby. Enjoy Europe.

More people raised their hands
in favour of the water fountain.

And I used my veto to overrule them.

But I thought a student government
was democratic.

And I am certain that our forefathers

would have wanted our cheerleaders
to see Paris.

And Brussels on the weekend.

Sabrina, have you been using
my laptop again without asking?

If you're proud of my initiative,
then yes?

Well, I'm not.

That gonna make
dressing a problem?

What did you make with my laptop?

Hair mousse,
but you would really understand

if you could have seen
what my hair looked like that day.

I am making a new house rule:

No one plays with my laptop, period,
now matter how hungry you are,

- no matter how ungroomed.
- But what if--?

- No.
- And how about if--?

No.

She's waffling.

Okay, now, in order to ensure
everyone's safety on this trip,

I have established
a few simple guidelines.

"No snacking between meals.

- Lights out at : "?
- "No laughing"?

And since we'll be staying at
my ex-father-in-law's condo

to save a little bit of money,

everyone will have to pitch in
with the chores.

[GROANING]

- Will we get paid?
- You will be paid

with up to minutes a day
of ski time, mister.

Since it's about ten minutes
until school starts,

I'm sure you've got some homework
you've forgotten

or some property to destroy.

Coming through.

Obviously, he's never been loved.
That's sad.

Perfectly understandable, but sad.

The guy's completely forgotten
what it's like to be a teenager.

If only there was some way
to remind him.

- I'll be back before homeroom's over.
- Where you going?

To zap-- A-dee doo-dah into the hall.

See you.

You sure about this?

Zelda was pretty explicit
about not going near this thing.

She said not to play with it.

She also said the laptop was for
curing problems of the world.

Mr. Kraft is definitely
a problem of the world.

Whatever. If she knew
you were brewing a potion

to make Mr. Kraft
understand teenagers,

I know what she'd say.

Hint: It rhymes with "whoa."

Oh, it worked.

- Candy?
- No. I'd probably break out.

"For a teenager's outlook on life,
take three candies.

Caution: May result in the ability
to eat an entire box of cereal."

Perfect. I'll just slip a few
into his iced tea.

The game is afoot.

All right, you clowns,
get down from there.

Have you nothing better to do
than climb the cafeter--?

Cafeteria?

Be in my office in five minutes.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

This is a school, not a bordello.

Miss Spellman,

why have you been following me
around all morning?

It's your cologne, Mr. Kraft.

It's so great that I wanna buy some
for my friend Harvey.

Well, you can think about
my Old Spice in detention.

- But what's my crime?
- Smelling the vice principal.

Now, that's funny.

I seem to be out of detention slips.

You just wait right here
while I go to the supply closet.

Now what are you doing
with my iced tea?

I just thought you might be thirsty.

Miss Spellman...

...kissing up is a way of life,

not just something you do
when it suits you.

Mr. Kraft, are you all right?

We need tunes.

[ROCK 'N' ROLL PLAYING]

What is this? Ha. "Detention."

You can feel "de" tension
in "de" room, huh?

[LAUGHING]

We got the ski-trip chores.

I have to paint the living room.

Mr. Barber. Loser.

- Mr. Kraft.
- Hey.

You want something?

Hiyo!

Let's hear it for Gordie.

Nice move.

So the ski trip?

I am packing supplies
for water balloons.

- Do we still have to clean the place?
- No, we'll just fake it.

You know, spread potpourri
everywhere,

make sure there's paper
in the johns.

Hey, did I ever tell you guys
about the time my toenail got infected?

It turned, like, completely green.

LIBBY: Excuse me, Mr. Kraft.
- What?

Sign this so the cheerleaders
can get our trip approved.

Later.

- Please?
KRAFT: It falls off.

I took the liberty of filling in
all pesky blank parts.

Give me.
Anyway, then the nail falls off.

Next day, I find the thing
floating around in my sock.

How gross is that?

Okay. There.

- Super.
- You really want this, don't you, huh?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

You want it? You want it?
Harvey, think fast.

Harvey, I'm open. Harvey.

Who was that to, Kinkle?

Ew.

Oh, here's the world's smallest violin

playing the world's saddest song
just for you.

Wow. He seems different.

I know.

SALEM:
You're kidding.

He played "Smells Like Teen Spirit"
with his nose?

Four verses. This spell is working
way better than expected.

Unbelievable.

I wonder how it's affecting
his date with Hilda.

He's on a date with Aunt Hilda?

Willard, I can't tell you
how much fun I had tonight.

How did you ever guess
that man's weight?

Oh, that was easy.
You know, he's just a big tub of goo.

- Ha-ha. Well...
- Ha. Well...

Jeez, I...

Wow. Touchdown, Kraft.

Hi, Aunt Hilda. How was your date?

Great. We threw softballs at clowns.

We held hands at the fun house.
We spit off the monorail.

I'm crazy about Willard Kraft.

Okay, so she's in love
with someone who's under a spell,

but at least I'm not in trouble.

Is that the bus?

No, that's the same street sweeper
that went by ten minutes ago.

He'd better get here.

I'm starting to feel a camaraderie
with you people.

Well, here comes Mr. Kraft.

I'm sure there's an explanation.

Mr. Kraft, why is the bus so late?

Hire the bus.

I told my mother to remind me.

I'm sorry. Well, okay, so I goofed.

It's just not the end of the world.

- I'm sure we can fix this somehow.
- What can we do?

I know. I'll race you to the arcade.

I really think we should stay here

and make sure
everyone gets a ride home.

Okay, you do that. Come on.

If you leave,
I'm going to have to report you.

He'll be back with some help.

Right. After he stops mooning us.

Why are the halls such a mess?

Didn't you hear?
Mr. Kraft forgot to pay the janitors,

so they're on strike.
Avoid the bathrooms.

You're kidding.
I didn't know he took care of that.

Or that.

Why has he been acting
totally weird lately?

I hadn't really noticed.

KRAFT:
Listen up, butt-brains.

Everyone has to write a report
on last night's Team Knight Rider.

Faked you out. Ha-ha.

[KRAFT YELLS]

[CRASHING]

Okay, maybe he has been acting
a little strange.

Gotta go.

[PHONE RINGS]
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

- Salem, it's me.
- So, what's the haps?

It's the spell. You gotta find something
in the magic book to reverse it.

Mr. Kraft keeps getting younger
and younger.

Freeze. N.Y.P.D.
We're going downtown.

[IMITATING g*nshots]

And I think he's been watching
way too much TV.

What's going on?
Why isn't anyone eating?

Mr. Kraft forgot to sign the food order.

And it was tamale day.

Who would have thought?

Guess Mr. Kraft is in charge of
more stuff than just detention.

I'm hungry,

and I'm not very nice
when I'm hungry.

So it's a nutrition problem.

Mr. Kraft, all these students
are very hungry,

and there is no food.

Well, you're a girl. Go fix lunch.

That's Neanderthal.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
"That's Neanderthal."

Mr. Kraft, the students need lunch,
and they need it now.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Well...

I have

two Rolos, a jawbreaker,
some ABC gum

and I'm willing to share.

You are the vice principal
of this school,

and it is your responsibility
to order the darn food.

- Is not.
- Is too.

Not, not, not, not, infinity.

I can't talk to you.
This is a ridiculous conversation.

- Is not.
- Oh, don't.

I'm hungry.

We have the statewide exams
coming up in a week,

and one of the things
that's gonna be on them

is quadratic equations.

[OVER LOUDSPEAKER]
This is Vice Principal Kraft.

[KRAFT BELCHES]

He makes three times what I do.

Now that I have your attention,
I just wanted to say

that even though lunch today
was, like, totally not my fault,

I'm gonna make it up to you guys

by letting you go home
for three weeks.

Three weeks?

We'll never get ready for the exams.

We'll lose our accreditation.

But we'll catch up on our soaps.

Oh, uh, your uncle is calling you
on the pay phone.

Uncle Salem?

What'd you find out?

You didn't mix the potion
with hemlock,

- did you?
- Course not.

That's the only way it could mess up,

unless you mixed it with caffeine,
but no one's that stupid.

I did. I mixed it
with caffeine in iced tea.

Oh, no. Everyone knows you don't
put an aging potion in with caffeine.

Did the Surgeon General
make that warning?

It causes the container
to absorb the potion.

Every time Mr. Kraft
makes a pitcher of iced tea,

he gets more potion.

I have to get that carafe.

Yes, and be careful, .

What?

You are so young.

Ha!

Mr. Kraft, I didn't know
you were in here, uh,

but then again, I didn't look
in what appears to be your fort.

But since you are here, I'll go.

Tag. You're it.
You're never gonna catch me.

You're right, I'm very bad
at this game. I quit.

Tag, I'm it. All right, um, pain tag.
If I catch you, I give you pain.

- I don't wanna play. Ow!
- Indian burn. You're it.

- Heavy pillow tag.
- No fair. No fair. Ow!

I'm telling.

Did you get the carafe?

No, but apparently I have cooties.

There has to be some other solution.

Good luck.
I've torn that book apart looking.

Literally.

Well, there's only one thing to do.

I'm gonna have to ask an aunt.

Might I suggest Aunt Bea?

She was nice.

- Hi.
- Hi, sweetie.

I didn't hear you come in.

Well, I'm in,

and I'm studying witch stuff,

and I need some help.

Sure. Uh, don't touch that green goo.
It's a little radioactive.

Let's say a person
put a spell on another person,

and they thought that spell
would end at a certain time,

but it didn't.

- Who'd you put a spell on?
- Aunt Zelda, it's hypothetical.

So how would you reverse
this hypothetical problem spell?

Well, first,
I'd tell my aunt what's going on.

Where's Aunt Hilda?
Maybe she can help.

- She's on a date with Mr. Kraft.
- Really?

[CHUCKLES]

Willard, would you mind
getting off the floor?

I'm bored.

Then why don't we talk?
I had a great time the other night.

I don't remember
when I laughed so much.

What are you doing?

Oh.

Here.

[BLOWS NOSE]

Ecch.

Oh, here comes our food.

- Here's your petite fillet.
- Thank you.

Here's your chocolate sundae.

- Anything else?
- More cherries.

Wish I was brave enough
to order dessert for dinner,

but then I like my health.

- I want that.
- Oh.

I'm the same way.
Someone's food always looks better,

but not this time.

Oh, how romantic.

- Are you okay?
- I wanna go home.

Well, I'd like to finish my meal.

- I wanna go home.
- Stop that.

Would your date like some crayons?

Um, no, but could you just put
a rush order on the cherries?

Sabrina.

You know, these days

a lot of restaurants
will put leftovers in a bag for you.

- Where's Mr. Kraft?
- Oh, he's asleep in the car.

The ride really tuckered him out,
poor little fella.

Well, I'm pretty tuckered out myself.

- Good night.
- Hold it.

What spell did you put on Willard?

Before you start pointing fingers,
remember one important fact:

Sabrina put me up to it.

Are you gonna finish that
potato morsel on your collar?

What are you making?

It's an anti-youth potion.

One part prune juice,
one part Miami Beach tap water,

with just a pinch
of Buddy Ebsen salt.

I'll give him the medicine.

Hate to say this, but I can't wait
to get the old Mr. Kraft back.

You don't change
people's personalities.

And if you do,
you don't mix it with caffeine.

All right, Mr. Kraft,
let's get your dignity back.

Here comes the choo-choo train.

Choo-choo, choo-choo...

That noise is going on
your permanent record, Sabrina.

What's going on here?

How did I end up here?

We were at dinner and, uh,
you got sick and passed out.

Oh, dear Lord,
what happened to you?

Had to dive across the nachos
to keep you from hitting your head.

- Good one.
- Oh, thank you.

Listen, I insist on buying you
another dinner,

and I'm not leaving here
until you say yes.

[BOTH] Say yes.
- Oh, all right.

Wonderful.

Sabrina...

Something very odd
is going on here,

and I can't help but think
you were responsible.

Oh, well, you know,
that could be sign of a concussion.

Well, we will visit
this area again, hmm?

- Hilda, Tuesday?
- Mm-hm.

Black Angus night
at the stockyards.

If I come home with a steer,
it's sleeping in your bedroom.

Really? Too much iced tea?

It's the only thing my doctor
could think of.

Here you are.

- Detention? What for?
- New policy.

Detention is now based solely
on personal resentments.

Hi, Libby.

Libby, what's the matter?

What's the matter?

I thought you believed
in the work of cheerleaders,

but it turns out
that you are no more than an--

An educator.

[GASPS]

Libby, isn't that a little harsh?

Especially since you
haven't seen this yet.

Three tickets to the Loire Valley
cheerleading symposium?

Oh, Mr. Kraft, I'm...

I'm all choked up.

I'd give you something
for your dry throat,

but I'm afraid our drinking fountain
is still broken.

[CHUCKLING]

Well, looks like the Mr. Kraft
we've always known and loved is back.

Yeah.
It's nice to have lunch and lights

and a clean school.

I guess we should
be grateful for him.

- What--?
- Now I'm grateful.

Okay, so I ruined the ski trip
for everyone,

and I turned the school
inside out.

But isn't being grounded enough?
Why do I have to mix this stuff up?

It's just Zelda's way of teaching us
to respect the laptop.

Why would she have me make
Limburger frappé?

This stuff smells like something
that's already been eaten.

Come on, how bad could it be?
It's just cheese.

Ugh! Oh...

Salem?

Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda.
Help! Salem's fainted.

Oh, Salem, you are brilliant.

Mm. Mm...

Easy, easy. Don't choke.