02x10 - To Tell a Mortal

[bunniefuu]

[SALEM LAUGHING]

It's not funny, Salem.

Morning.

[SCREAMS]

Why did Salem startle me?

It's Friday the th,
the day that black witch-cats

have the power to scare
the living daylights out of people.

SALEM:
You should've seen your face.

I gotta stop laughing
or milk's gonna come out of my nose.

Here comes Hilda. Act normal.

Good morning, Hilda.

[HILDA SCREAMS]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, happy Friday the th, Salem.

Aunt Hilda, a bat just
flew out of your mouth.

Oh, how embarrassing.
I have bat breath again.

Have you been eating
pomegranates?

I know they don't agree with me,
but I had a craving for crimson pulp.

Is it bad?

[BATS SQUEAKING]

Look, a tour group.

I have to update my wardrobe.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Great. Can we get this quiz over with?
I have to get to school.

There's no quiz. I just came by
to tell you it's Friday the th.

I already told her.

[GASPS]

I might not even take a nap today.

There's more to Friday the th

than black cats
with a sorry sense of humour.

To learn more, read about it.

Like I have time for this.

"Eleventh hour, th of never,
th, Friday the."

What? I can do that?

Why didn't you guys tell me

that on Friday the th
I can tell a mortal I'm a witch?

Oh. The one where you can tell anyone
and they can know for hours?

- Yes.
- We didn't want you to know.

Well, I learned it on the streets.

- Who should I tell, Harvey or Valerie?
HILDA: Oh, Sabrina.

Telling mortals is a very bad idea.

But I wanna come out
of the linen closet.

We felt the same way
when we were your age,

but you think you know someone...

This is a secret
that's hard for mortals to accept.

When I was younger,
I was dating a doctor.

You've probably heard of him.

My little apple strudel.

Oh, Sigmund.

Are you ready for the opera,
my dear?

Yes. But first, there's something
that I must tell you.

Ah. Something about your childhood?

You hate your mother, don't you?

- No.
- Really? I hate your mother.

Today is Friday the th,

and there's something that
I get to share with you.

Sigmund, my darling, I'm a witch.

Oh, well, you can be a little testy.

No, no. I have real magical powers.

Uh-huh.

Can you show me
these magical powers?

Well, you remember
that pocket watch that you admired?

For you, Siggy.

Get out of here.

Witch. Witch.

Take her out of here.

We can make it work.

This didn't happen.

It was bad knackwurst.

Ja, that's right.

Once I got loose, I tripped him.

You might say it was
the first Freudian slip.

Guys overreact.
You should've told a girlfriend.

I did.
I told my good friend Gwendolyn.

We were out shopping,
and everything was going well...

GWENDOLYN:
This is some joy.

- Why didn't thou tell me sooner?
- Well.

Make yon man's breeches rip.

Gwendolyn was a lot of fun,

but what a blabbermouth.

She told everyone she knew,
and then some.

Forsooth, 'tis true.

Zelda's a witch.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]

ZELDA:
They didn't take it very well.

MAN:
She made the crops fail. It's her.

ZELDA:
And then things really got ugly.

ALL [SHOUTING]:
Dunk the witch! Dunk the witch!

To this day
I don't care for swimming.

Yeah, but by midnight,
mortals don't remember.

So even if they hate you,
the next day it's over.

They don't remember,
but you remember.

Think long and hard about this,
Sabrina.

If you tell someone, you may never feel
the same way about that person again.

Well, this was uplifting.

Thanks. I'll think about it.

[TYRES SCREECHING
AND HORN HONKING]

SALEM:
Just spooked a bread truck.

The street is full of buns.

- Hi, Libby.
- Ew.

Why doesn't she like me?

I'm thinking it's a thyroid problem.

- Why do you care?
- Because I'd love to be popular.

You know,
to have everyone respect me.

- Bye, Libby.
- I just ate.

- Any plans for your free period?
- Just my usual doodlefest.

You think you can help me
study for my Spanish test?

I have it after Study Hall,
and if I don't get at least a B, I'm toast.

Sure.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

- What?
- I will help you.

I could live with a C.

Excuse me.

Somebody didn't eat
their vegetables.

What are you doing?
You look ridiculous.

State law says
I have to wear a hairnet.

Come on.

It's time for a test of your endurance.

We're off to Alaska for the Iditarod.

Oh, but what about...

... Valerie?

Sabrina?

Sabrina?

Where did she go?

A nerd ditched by a freak.

It's like a movie of the week.

Now, say goodbye to bat breath.

Oh, I hope it works.

[COUGHING]

Oh, great.
Now I have bass breath.

Still think I'm on the right track.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

You passed.

Now get to class. Mush.

Oh, I missed Social Studies.

You had a substitute.

He spent the entire day
trying to open his desk drawer.

But here's your homework.

Great. I had an easy class,
and I smell like blubber.

Valerie. Valerie.

Valerie, I'm so sorry I took off like that.

I failed my Spanish test.

At least I think F means
the same thing in both languages.

- I'm so incredibly sorry.
- I thought you were my friend.

- Just forget it.
- Valerie, wait.

There's something I need to tell you.

You're my best friend
and I've been lying to you.

I wanted to tell you
the biggest secret,

and then maybe you'll understand
why I've disappeared in the cafeteria

and been acting strange
pretty much all the time.

I'm a witch.

I knew you could be
a little grumpy sometimes, but--

No. I have magical powers.

Right. Well, can you show me
some magic?

You know that sweater
you've always wanted?

Get out...

...of here. This is so cool.

Well, it's so cool
that you think it's so cool.

And you have no desire whatsoever
to have me committed?

No. But I do have a few questions.

[BELL RINGS]

That whole pointed-hat,
wart-on-the-nose thing?

Pure Hollywood.

You don't cook potions
in a cauldron?

- Now that one we do.
- This is amazing.

So you just point at stuff,
and stuff happens?

That's the technical definition of it.

- Well, can we point at stuff now?
- You bet.

Shh.

Isn't he that weird lunch lady?

Valerie, I'd like you to meet
my quizmaster.

Isn't this great?
I can show her all my magic.

Well, not all your magic.

You need a ticket for each time
you use magic with a mortal.

This one's for the sweater.

Why do I need tickets?

Mortals don't have a lot of restraint
when it comes to magic...

...or firearms.

Quiz you later.

Hey. Pop out the way you popped in,
with all that lightning-and-smoke stuff.

See what I mean?

I blame television.

It's pointing time.

[SCREAMING]

I've discovered the cure.

Eureka.

It's all in this little tablet.

Just give it to me.

Testing, one, two, three.

Yes. It worked.

- Thanks, sister.
- I'm not just your sister.

I'm a genius.

I can end hunger.

I can save the world.

Oh, for crying out loud,
it's a breath mint.

Oh, no. Señora Martinez.
I'd almost forgotten about my F.

Hola, Valerie. That means "hello."

Hola.

Señora Martinez?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Of course I'll give you
a second exam.

You've obviously been studying.

I love magic.

There's Harvey.
You've gotta tell him about this.

No, no, wait. Valerie.

Sabrina's a witch.

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

Valerie told me your secret.

Yeah. It's true.

Not really.

Yeah. Here.
Have some baseball cleats.

HARVEY:
Whoa!

I'm a witch.

- Can we talk about this?
- Sure.

A witch?

So "freak" was an understatement.

So, what is this Other Realm?

Little place we call the witchy city.

[SCREAMS]

Salem talks?

And I have a pretty good
singing voice.

And he stops.

Okay. We're off to the Other Realm.

Sabrina, you're walking into a closet.

After all you've seen today,
this seems weird? Come on.

VALERIE:
It's still a closet.

SABRINA:
Will you wait?

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

- Wow.
- So, what do we do here?

Same thing we do in the mortal realm:
hang out.

MAN:
Balloon. Buy your mortal a balloon.

I'll take two.

MAN:
I know.

I have tomato sauce on my tie.

So, what magic does the balloon do?

MAN:
Nothing.

Sucker.

Carney workers.

Hey, I could use some sunglasses.

Wow.

These are awesome.
You should get some.

I have a whole drawer full
of virtual-reality sunglasses.

Wow, that's amazing.

You can look dorky in this realm too.

LIBBY:
Of course it's true.

I heard it with my own ears
and have seen it with my own eyes.

Sabrina's a witch.

[ALL CHATTERING]

Okay, okay.

The next step is to decide
how to use this piece of information.

How can this help me?

Thanks for the cure, Zeldy.

Now I can enjoy
pomegranate pudding,

pomegranate compote,
pomegranate pie.

I like pomegranates.

This is what it's all about for me.

Enabling you to eat too much fruit.

[BELL RINGS]

A message from the Other Realm.

I hope it didn't ruin
my pomegranate toast.

It's from Elixir Pharmaceuticals.

They heard about my discovery.

They want me to come do
a demonstration with my subject.

SALEM:
Me. Take me.

A whole other realm
of people to scare?

Yeah, take him.

There's no way I'm going to humiliate
myself in front of a bunch of eggheads.

Fine. Then no more cure.

And that means
no more pomegranates.

Egghead.

Okay. We only have two tickets left.

So for the grand finale,
you each get to make a last wish.

- I wanna meet Mark Langston.
- Who?

Mark Langston. My favourite pitcher.

Four all-star games,
and he can really bring the heat.

Well, I'm assuming since
it's your last wish, that's a good thing.

I saw him the day
he no-hit the Mariners.

Harvey.

[GASPING]

- Hey, how's it going, man?
- Pretty good.

- How about warming me up?
- Sure.

Please don't let this be a dream.

Oh, this is great.

Mark Langston just broke
all my fingers.

I know what I want.

Say Mark Langston,
we could save a ticket.

No. My guy's funny,

he can really move and he's so cute.

The Dalai Lama can dance?

Drew Carey.

I wanna dance with Drew Carey.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thanks for the dance, Valerie.

This is the best moment of my life.

Gee, I wish I had a rose to give you.

Oh, I know. Here.

Have these.

Hope you're nearsighted.

SABRINA:
Was it fun?

I'm never taking these off.

Man, he's blind.

WOMAN:
Excuse me. Excuse me.

- And you saw it with your own eyes?
- That's right.

Your children are going to school
with a proven witch.

- Oh, we've gotta get her out.
- Exactly.

But first things first.

I get anything good in her locker.

Now that the pomegranate
has been administered,

observe what happens
when Subject A speaks.

Subject A has a name.

Now open your mouth wide,

so that they can see
the severity of your condition.

SALEM:
Oh, good. I'm late.

[PEOPLE GASPING]

Hey.
Let's take a look inside your mouths.

Did you see?
Mark Langston signed my bruise.

You're gonna have to describe it to me,
because I can't see a...

- ...thing!
- Valerie!

- Aah!
- Harvey! Oh, no.

Not a swirling vortex.

Take it easy.
Everything's gonna be okay.

Don't panic.

This is bad. This is very bad.

Hey, help me.
My friends are swirling.

MAN: Why don't you just zap them out?
- I'm out of tickets.

I guess you lost your head.

My findings suggested

that if I took two parts boric acid

and combined it
with the shells of dung beetles...

You said those were raisins.

[SALEM YAWNS]

What a snore.

I need a little fresh air and a latte.

MAN:
Come see the mortals in a vortex.

Only two tickets.

Reach for my hand!

Why didn't I listen? Harvey and Valerie
are gonna be sucked into oblivion,

and if they come out alive,
they're gonna think I'm a monster.

MAN:
Come on, oblivion.

- You've got tickets. Give me tickets.
MAN: No. They're mine.

- Come on, you headless goon.
SALEM: Yo, Sabrina.

- I just had lattes.
MAN: Black cat.

Stop the vortex.

Are you guys okay?

MAN:
I'm fine!

Yeah, yeah, thanks for the tickets.

You guys hate me?

No. And I'm beginning to understand
why Scotsmen wear kilts.

Nice and breezy.

We've gotta get a picture of this.

Do one nice thing today?

MAN:
Oh, all right.

But I have to warn you,
I tend to cut people's heads off.

Oh, I forgot. Here's your sleeve.

Wow, you guys were near death and
you still managed to save my sleeve.

- Near death?
- Anyway, thanks for everything.

Being a witch is so much more fun
when you can tell your friends.

You're so lucky. The only secret I have
is that I'm allergic to watermelon.

Well, that's out.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

There's the witch.

Is it true you have magical powers?

Don't ask her.
She won't admit to anything.

Ask them.
They'll corroborate my story.

What's this all about?

Come on, Harvey.
I've got a book deal in the works

and a piece of it could be yours.

Libby, are you having
another episode?

Forget him. He's been under her spell
since she first flew in.

- Tell them, Valerie.
- No.

You know it's the truth.

If you back me up on this,
I won't forget about it.

None of the popular girls will.

I hate to do this, but...

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

You freaks are so infuriating.

Looks like another
high-school prank.

She is a witch.

And an extraterrestrial.

Look, do an alien autopsy.

You guys.

Wow, it's after midnight.

My parents are gonna wonder
where I've been.

Where have I been?

Just hanging out.

Oh, man. My hand is throbbing.

I've got a little motion sickness.

Did we break any laws?

Not really. See you.

What are you hiding?
Sneaky. What is it?

Nothing. It's just a package
of Bat-breath Savers.

How could you?

Look at my hair.

Well, at least you can eat
all the pomegranates you want.

I'm sick of pomegranates.

Hey, you still up?

Yeah. So how was your day?

Well, I told Valerie,
and Valerie told Harvey that I'm a witch.

Oh, how did it go?

Honey, are you okay?

You were right. I'll never feel the same
way about Valerie or Harvey again.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I like them so much more.

HILDA: How come you have
better friends than we did?

So no matter how many people
Libby told, they've all forgotten by now.

- That's the way it works.
- Good.

I wanted to make sure I wasn't
gonna be burned at the stake Monday.

[SALEM SNORING]

Oh, he had some Friday the th.

Poor little guy wore himself out.

Oh, he looks so peaceful.

Should we?

[AIR HORN BLARING]

[SALEM GASPS]

That's okay.
I have another eight lives.

Seven after I fall down from here.