02x08 - Inna Gadda Sabrina

[bunniefuu]

SABRINA: Can I have
more mashed potatoes?

- Of course.
- And I'll have more meat.

- Another roll, please.
- And I'll have more meat.

Hey, what's a cat have to do
around here to get something dead?

Salem, you've had enough to eat
already.

No offence,
but you're turning into a furry blimp.

[SCOFFS]

Moi? I'm as lithe as a jungle cat.

Besides, so far today,
I've only had ten of the food groups.

What's left? Chocolate and lard?

Maybe you should try dieting,
Salem.

I don't need to diet,
because I am not fat.

I am big-boned.

[GRUNTING]

- Need a push?
- You laugh, you die.

Nobody takes me seriously.

Please. One little egg.
A scrap of sausage.

The crumbs from your toast.

[SOBBING]

No. It's not healthy
for a cat to be overweight.

We're making you diet
because we care about you.

Let me just lick the jam
off your knife.

Oh, find some self-respect.

[SOBBING]

Where are my Landlubbers?

Refrigerator?
What is she talking about?

Landlubbers.
The classic bell-bottom pants

that I wore
at the San Francisco Be-In

in the Summer of Love
during the Age of Aquarius.

- Again, what is she talking about?
- The ' s.

Oh, right.
Peace, love and no bathing.

I'm sorry, Hilda.
I threw those pants out years ago.

You never wore them.

I've been waiting years
for hip-huggers to come back in.

Now they're back
and my hips remain unhugged.

- Can't you buy another pair?
- No.

That company went out
when straight-legs came in.

- Sorry about your bell-hugger hips.
- Hip-hugger bells.

Kids today just don't know history.

Oh. I gotta get to school.
Where's my lunch?

Not half-eaten
and hidden in this drawer behind me,

that's for sure.

[BELL RINGS]

Quiet.

[SIGHS]

I would say, "Good morning,"
but I work in a public high school.

So there are no good mornings
for me.

BOY [COUGHS]:
Loser.

Heard it.

Now, your English teacher, Mrs. Reilly,
had her baby last night,

so she will be on maternity leave
for the next six weeks.

Thank you, Bill Clinton.

Anyway,
I will be taking over the class for her

while she breast-feeds and bonds.
Starting tomorrow,

- there will be a quiz every day.
ALL: Aww.

And tomorrow's
will be on the first three chapters

of The Waging of w*r
by General Heinrich von Schlecht.

But we were studying
Emily Dickinson.

Well, then, I got here just in time,
didn't I?

The Waging of w*r.

Six hundred and fifty-one pages
of blood, sweat and blood.

At least we only have to read
the first three chapters.

It only has four chapters.

Vanilla again? When do they change
yogurt flavours at this school?

Well, one day last year,
they changed it to pistachio.

No, we thought it was pistachio.

Turned out
the machine just needed cleaning.

VALERIE: Eww.
- Excuse me, Mrs. Poopiepants?

It's Poupiepenz. It's French.

Oh, well, we were just wondering
if it were possible

to maybe get some new flavours
in the yogurt machine?

There you go. Mocha.

Why do we bother
expressing our opinions

when no one ever listens to us?

Maybe it's your voices.

They make a sound
only other freaks can hear.

[BELL RINGS]

Class. Don't forget to visit
the college fair this week.

Everyone can have
a rewarding career,

regardless of colour or gender,

but not if you're
an uneducated dolt.

So please, think of this
as a week of discovery,

and not just an excuse
to miss class.

How about you doing an article
on college week for the paper?

You know, which booths were
the most popular, who's going where--

Which booths had
the best snacks.

Boy, you really don't flee
from controversy, do you?

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

You know, Val, you're doing a great job
as editor. You're really confident.

Really? Could you tell my mom?

This is the young lady
I was telling you about.

My star Algebra student,
Sabrina Spellman.

Heh-heh.
Your cheque's in the mail.

Huh? Oh.

[LAUGHS]

So, Sabrina,
you've thought about Franklin & Lee?

It's one of the oldest colleges
in America.

A very long tradition
of academic excellence.

Hey, look at all the brick buildings.

Franklin & Lee delivers
a fine education and turns out leaders.

Being a leader sounds good.

Why don't you take home
one of our packets?

I think you might be
Franklin & Lee material.

Cool.

If you really mean that,
can I have a bumper sticker?

One can for breakfast, one can
for lunch, then corn for dinner?

I'd rather get locked
in the dishwasher again.

- Sabrina, my love--
- No.

And I know you ate my lip balm.

Let it go. It was a pair of pants.

They were my favourite pair of pants
that I've ever owned.

Ugh. I am not being a broken record.

Those were my favourite
pair of pants.

Hi, Sabrina.

- Oh, The Waging of w*r.
- Funnier than I would have thought.

General Heinrich Von Schlecht.
What a loser he was.

- You knew him?
- I dated him.

Oh, he could take over a country,
but he couldn't pick up a cheque.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Man, well,
then let me talk to your supervisor.

Hey. Time for another check
on my magic?

Hmm? Oh, yeah, yeah, I guess.

- I'm trying to get my landlord.
- You have a landlord?

What did you think,
I lived in a magic lamp?

Actually, I did.

- So, what's up?
- Got a mouse in my apartment.

Well, why don't you just catch it
and set it free outside?

Oh, it's an Other Realm mouse.
Try pounds.

I'd like to see its exercise wheel.

Okay, look, your assignment
is to brew up something

from the new home supplement
to your magic book.

"Brewing and Concocting
With Too Hot Tamales."

Yes. Spells that not only work,
but have a lovely presentation.

Time ball? What's a time ball?

- That's one of our favourite recipes.
- We learned it on our trip to Atlantis.

- So, what does a time ball taste like?
- You don't eat it.

You hold it, and your surroundings
become whatever decade you think of.

Cool.

[BEEPS]

Hey. Remember those
snakeskin tacos?

- Yum.
- Oh, the best.

I want that mouse out.

Now, he makes
long-distance phone calls,

he listens to my CDs,
doesn't put them away,

and he chewed a hole
in my couch.

Oh, now, he denies it,
but I know it was him.

Whether he contributes to the rent
or not is beside the point.

- It smells like sardines.
- Well, if it smells like sardines,

- then you made it right.
- Thanks for your help.

Okay. Guess I can go get
Aunt Hilda's jeans.

Sixties, here I come.

Groovy.

Made a time ball, huh?
Guess you passed.

Got a fro pick?

Like, totally groovy.
I'd like to buy these pants.

Far-out.

I'd be happy to barter
if you've got any sketches or poetry.

- All I have is money.
- Wow, that's such a metaphor.

Thank you.

Well, it's the end of an era.

Wow.

Customs was a breeze.

Look.

- My pants. How did you get these--?
- Time ball.

Oh, I wondered why
we were in the ' s a minute ago.

So everyone knew
the time changed?

No, only witches.
Mortals are under the spell.

But it was nice to drink Tab again.

I wonder if there's any left?
Check the cabinet.

SABRINA:
How sad is this?

Darned canned chilli.

Here's my Christmas list:
can opener.

But you wouldn't be able to use
a can opener.

To hit you with.

I'm on page .
How about you, Harvey?

Nineteen? Maybe we should hang up.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Read. And turn off ESPN.

Good night, time ball.

Can it be true? Do I smell sardines?

It doesn't look like sardines.
Oh, who cares?

[BELCHES]

Oh. I don't feel so good.

Maybe I should have chewed
that thing.

And I'm too full
to lick myself,

so maybe I should just watch
a little TV.

Hmm. What's on at this hour anyway?

[TV CLICKS ON]

Infomercial. Infomercial.
Oh, Hawaiian talk show.

Nope. Infomercial.

[SIREN WAILING OVER TV]

Yes. The Mod Squad.
And it's a ' s marathon.

An entire night of Peggy Lipton.
Be still, my heart.

[BELCHES]

Be still, my stomach.

[ALARM RINGS]

Where did this come from?

What's going on?
How did I get back in the ' s?

Where's my time ball?
Oh, no.

Bummer.

This wheat germ is excellent.
I really feel it invigorating my chi.

Something's wrong.

Something's only wrong
if you believe it's wrong.

Heavy.

Sabrina, we think it's beautiful
you're playing with the time ball again.

I haven't. That's what's wrong,
whether we believe it's wrong or not.

The time ball's missing.

What are we gonna do?
If we don't find the time ball,

we can't reverse the effect.
Then we'll be stuck in the ' s forever.

All right, mellow out.

The only thing that's forever
is our love for you.

- Very heavy.
- Very creepy.

[SNIFFING]

Mmm, oh. Solid. Fresh laundry,
still warm from the dryer. Oh-ho.

Oh, to sleep, perchance to dream
of Peggy Lipton.

Mmm. Mmm.

You better get to school,
or the man will lay a trip on you.

Do you have to talk like that?

It's hard not to get swept away
dressed like this.

But don't worry. We'll just
fill the house with positive vibes,

and the muses will guide us
to the time ball.

And looking. Don't forget looking.

Peace.

What was she doing?

Measuring to see if my skirt
was long enough. I passed.

Wouldn't it be easier
to just wear jeans?

[LAUGHS]

You're serious.
Girls in pants at school?

You come up with some wild ideas,
Sabrina.

Hey. Guess what I just bought.

- A ' VW Bus.
- All right.

That's a good thing?

Well, it only goes miles an hour,
but it is so out of sight.

- Are you gonna paint it?
- You bet.

- Totally psychedelic.
- Oh, yes.

- Peter Maxx to the max.
- You're blowing my mind.

Well, don't make a mess.

I have to make a phone call.
I'll meet you guys in class, okay?

Far-out.

Dial?

These people were living
in the Stone Age.

- I found my -string.
- Far-out.

[PHONE RINGS]

Peace and love to you,
whoever you are.

Did you guys find the time ball yet?

Oh, right. The time ball.

Oh, yeah. I meant to look for that,
but I got involved in my macramé.

Sorry, sister.

Look, it's round, it rolls,
it could be anywhere.

Is that a haiku?

[BELL RINGS]

Listen, that's the bell.
I have to go to class.

I'll check in with you guys later.

- Didn't you guys hear the bell?
- That bell is the man's bell.

Okay, but you did hear it, right?

What's wrong, Sabrina?
You seem so uptight.

I'm just nervous about the quiz
on The Waging of w*r.

We have to stop the w*r.
Stop the w*r.

ALL [CHANTING]:
Stop the w*r. Stop the w*r.

- Absolutely. Right on.
- Mr. Kraft?

- Power to the people.
ALL: Yeah.

I have a question
about the quiz today.

A quiz? No, no, no.

A quiz can only test you
on what you've been told,

not who you are.

So does that mean it's open-book?

You know, I think I'm gonna take
the whole class outside today,

because we need to
continue our discussion

on the dangers of America
becoming a police state.

Isn't this an English class?

No. This is a life class, Sabrina.

Life is a life class. Heh.

STUDENT: Oh. Heavy.
- Huh?

It's like a song.
In fact, sing with me, everybody.

What shall we sing?

- "Kumbaya."
KRAFT: "Kumbaya."

You're beautiful, Harvey. Okay.

Someone's loving.

ALL [SINGING]:
Someone's loving, Kumbaya

Beautiful. Someone's dreaming.

Someone's dreaming, Kumbaya

Louder for extra credit.

Someone's loving, Kumbaya

Outside.

Someone's loving--

Okay. This is weird,
but at least it's not a test on a fat book.

Kumbaya

[MUTTERING]

Peggy Lipton.

Peggy, don't fall down.

[SNORES]

[SIREN WAILING]

Freeze, sucker.

[g*ns COCK]

Peggy.

Kumbaya

Kumbaya, my Lord

- What's this?
- A sit-in.

Against the w*r?

No. Against the lack of vegetarian food
on the cafeteria menu.

[STUDENTS HUMMING]

We will not eat
our female friends.

ALL:
Yeah!

Are you in?
If you're not a part of the solution,

then you're part of the problem.

No beef.

ALL [CHANTING]:
No beef. No beef. No beef.

It's so exciting
to be part of this movement.

And tofu will grow on you, right?

No beef. No beef.

I have a message here
from the principal.

Starting tomorrow, the cafeteria
will serve vegetarian meat loaf,

fish sticks
and meatless sloppy joes.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I also have a message
from your parents.

Get off the floor.

Sloppy joes? How about sloppy sues,
sexist pig?

Oh, shave your legs.

Wow, they listened to us.
I can't believe it.

No successful guy is gonna
wanna marry a radical, Sabrina.

ALL: Boo!
- Oh, boo all you want.

Grooming, shopping
and social climbing

are grand traditions
that will never die. Freaks.

Hey, we're all freaks.

- And proud of it.
- Freak power.

ALL [CHANTING]:
Freak power. Freak power.

Freak power. Freak power.

I like this decade.

Freak power. Freak power.
Freak power.

BOTH [CHANTING]:
Om

[PHONE RINGS]

I hear bells.
Have I reached nirvana?

- It's the phone.
- Oh.

Hey, guys, don't worry about finding
the time ball. I'm having a blast.

We don't have to go to class,
everyone hates Libby,

and except for the fact
that a few people smell, this era rocks.

Here's the article I wrote
on college week.

Why are you giving it to me?

You're the editor
of the school paper.

[LAUGHS]

Me? I'm a girl. I am secretary

of the Future Homemakers
of America Club, Chapter .

Would they like this article?

Here you go. I think I'm ready
to let Franklin & Lee

turn me into a leader.

I beg your pardon?

- I filled out the questionnaire.
- How nice for you.

Why don't you just take it over
to the Sarah Lawrence booth

and let me do my job?

Hey, Franklin & Lee, fella?

We build leaders of tomorrow
at Franklin & Lee.

But I think I wanna go
to Franklin & Lee.

Listen. Franklin & Lee
is a men's college.

Now, I understand if you wanna get
your M-R-S,

but we still can't let girls in.

M-R-S? Missus?

You think I want a husband?

Something wrong, Sabrina?

I'm so offended. Franklin & Lee
won't talk to me because I'm a girl.

That's because men rule the world.
And they do it by oppressing women.

Forcing us into stereotypical roles

and shoes
that create permanent foot problems.

Here. Let's take off our bras
and burn them

in defiance
of the misogynistic patriarchy.

You know what?
I have to meet Harvey,

but maybe we can burn
our underwear together later.

Oh, Sabrina, remember.

A woman without a man
is like a fish without a bicycle.

Look what I got.

- What is it?
- It's a new cartridge for my -track.

I can't believe
we can listen to tapes while we drive.

Yeah, what's next? Car phones?

Hey. Something wrong?

Yeah, I'm sick of living
in this stupid backwards decade.

- Backwards?
- A major college won't even talk to me

because I'm a woman.

Why do you need college?
Let's stick to our plan.

After graduation, we load up my bus
and travel the country,

just following the music.

That's not a plan.
That's a bad vacation.

What about my future, my career?

You don't need a career.
You're my lady.

We'll grow our own food.
You'll have my children.

And someday,
if it's not too much of a hassle,

I might even marry you.

I'm sorry.
I stopped listening after, "My lady."

Isn't it fun to eat cheese

without knowing
that it's bad for us?

You know, this fondue pot
would make a great wedding gift.

We've gotta find that time ball.

Hey, chicks. What's the haps?
Yum. Fondue.

- I smell sardines.
- Interesting thought,

but sardines and hot cheese
are not a combo

you're gonna wanna put together.

No, I smell sardines on your breath.
Salem, you ate my time ball.

No, I didn't. What time ball?

- The one I left on my desk.
- Oops.

I mean, what time ball?

All right, fork it over.

Yeah, Salem, I am getting really sick
of sitting on the floor

- with my legs crossed.
- What am I supposed to do?

It's in my stomach.
Well, by now, my duodenum.

- In any case, you're not getting it.
- I know just what to do.

This better not involve
a rubber glove.

- Just getting your fur-ball medicine.
- So we can fix time again.

But I hate my fur-ball medicine.

I don't care what it says on the label,
it does not taste like bubble gum.

I won't take it
and you can't make me. Nah-ah-ah.

Unless you want a great nephew born
in a van, named Moonbeam, grab him.

Ha-ha. Your evil plan backfired.

I'm skinny enough
to get through my cat door.

- You'll never catch me now.
- Oh, no, Salem.

- Now what do we do?
- Get a dog?

I didn't know how difficult
the ' s were for women.

We've come a long way
in years.

You wanna talk about a tough time
for women, try the s.

You couldn't own your own hovel.

And you had to marry
whatever bootblack or wheelwright

your family picked for you.

You could spend all day sharpening
his axe or cleaning his musket,

but you weren't even allowed
to k*ll your own dinner.

SALEM:
Can I come out now?

Not until we get back that time ball.

- Glad Salem came home.
- I knew he would.

He's not exactly cut out
for the mean streets.

Plus, he missed a whole
week of his stories.

SALEM: Well, can I at least have
a magazine?