01x20 - Meeting Dad's Girlfriend

[bunniefuu]

[GROWLING]

Sabrina, are you growling
like a bear?

- I can't get this jar open.
- I'll do it. It's all in the wrist.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, man, that's on tight.

It's like they're afraid the sauce
will fall into the wrong hands.

- What's up?
- We can't get this jar open.

Don't you know the trick?

Here, you whack it lightly
to break the seal,

and there.

See, it's not so easy.

- Well, then use magic.
- Good idea.

The finger is mightier than the wrist.

That should do it.

Ugh! What is wrong with this jar?
I give up.

You know, it's great
having supernatural powers,

but for some things, we could really
use a man around the house.

Free electrons, while they last.

MAN:
I'll be there around dinnertime.

Anything special you wanna do
this weekend?

- Maybe we could go to the ice show.
- If that's what you want.

- And maybe we could invite Harvey.
- What a great idea.

Uh-oh. That sounded too enthusiastic.
Forget I said anything.

- Come on, I really wanna meet him.
- But you can't make a big deal out of it.

I won't.
It'll just be a casual meeting

between a father and his daughter's
first serious boyfriend.

I'm glad you understand.
I gotta get to school.

- Bye, sweetheart.
- See you.

- Good morning.
- You're running late.

Dad and I were trying to figure out
our weekend plans.

You wanna go
to the ice show tomorrow?

Oh, I don't think so.

There'll be little flashlights.

- Definitely not.
- Okay.

Then it's just me, Dad and Harvey.

Harvey and Ted are meeting?
You didn't say that.

Now, that's a show worth seeing.

Too bad. You already said no.

That'd be fine.
I'd love to meet your father.

Oh, man, I should have worn
an undershirt.

- I promise you will get along great.
- Does he like sports?

- No.
- Does he know anything about cars?

- No.
- Military aircraft?

I'm sure you'll find something
to talk about.

- We could talk about you.
- No.

SALEM:
Fine. Don't say hi.

Sorry, Salem. I'm just so excited
about seeing my dad.

- Has it been a month already?
- Yeah.

- But today's Tuesday, right?
- No, Friday.

Man, I was way off.

- Is Dad here yet?
- No.

What's going on?

Hilda's still trying to open
that jar of spaghetti sauce.

Oh! I think I've got it
this time. Watch.

Don't watch.

Give it up.

Ted will be here soon,
and he'll open it.

- Why, because he's a man?
- Well, yes.

- That is so sexist.
- Men happen to have more upper--

Just because he's a man--

TED [IN DEEP VOICE]:
That's enough now, the both of you.

Don't make me use the voice.

- Dad, you made it.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Hi, Sabrina.

- Hello, Ted.
- Oh, I hate that voice.

You sound just like father.

[IN DEEP VOICE]
I know. It's terrifying.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Sometimes I even scare myself.

Here, this is for you.

- What is it?
- It's a magic camera.

- It takes photos instantly.
- You mean like a Polaroid?

We had the technology first. Try it.

- Okay, well, you guys stand together.
- Okay.

Did the flash work?

Yes.

Almost.

You've been working
on that jar for two hours.

See, men aren't stronger.

They just keep trying longer
than any sane woman would.

- There.
- Just in time for dinner.

Who wants spaghetti?

Not me. I'm mad at Italian food.

I don't know
what I'm in the mood for.

- I feel like Chinese.
- Good idea.

It's on me.

[IN CHINESE]

- Speak English.
- Oh.

[IN ENGLISH] Sorry. We're going out
for ice cream. You want some?

I shouldn't, but put me down

for a double scoop
of pralines and cream.

Got it.

[THUMPING]

What's that?

- Hello?
- Hi. You must be Sabrina.

- Who are you?
- A friend of your father's.

- My name's Gail. Is he home?
- Yeah, hold on, I'll take you to him.

Dad, someone in the book
wants to talk to you.

- Who?
- I think she said her name's Gail.

Oh. I'll take it.

- Hey.
GAIL: Hi, sweetheart.

I hope I didn't catch you
at a bad time.

No, not at all.

So, what's up?
I thought you were in court today.

Oh, I was until Drell
disintegrated the judge,

so we adjourned for the weekend.

That's great.

I was hoping maybe I could join you.

Hold on, I'll check.

- Busted.
- Who's Gail?

Figure B.

Actually, she's more than that.

Gail is my girlfriend.

You have a girlfriend? Since when?

We've been seeing each other
for about months.

Does Mom know about this?

Honey, your mom and I
have been divorced for six years.

It has not been six years.
I was when you got divorced,

I'm now.
That would make it...six years.

So would you like to meet her?

- I would.
- Me too.

- Sure, why not?
- Great. You're gonna really like her.

I've been waiting for just the right time
to bring her around,

and, well, I guess this is it.

- Come on out, honey.
GAIL: Stand back.

Those margins are tight.

Gail, this is Hilda, Zelda,
and my Sabrina.

It's so good to finally meet everyone.
I've heard so much about you.

Well, we've heard nothing about you,
so we'll ask all the questions.

HILDA: Smile.
- Whoa.

- I think I blinked.
- I think the whole block blinked.

- It's a good one of you, Ted.
- Let me see.

[PINGS]

Wow. Can't remember the last time
I pinged in a photo.

So, Gail, you were just about
to tell us how you and Ted met.

Actually, it's very funny.

See, every year
the book has a blood drive.

Well, I always give because
I'm E negative, which is kind of rare.

So just as the nurse sticks me,
she points to Ted on the next cot

and tells me he's E negative too.

Well, I just couldn't resist
turning to him and blurting out--

I got an A on my history test.

That's great, Sabrina.

Yes, it's wonderful, but I wanna hear
the rest of Gail's story.

- Oh. Sorry.
- That's okay.

So, what did you say?

I said, "I guess you're my type."

Because of the E-negative thing.

Oh, right. Blood.

Very clever.

Oh, look, here's our ice cream.

Did you ever notice
how these sundaes have strata?

They do. See,
there's a layer of hot fudge,

then a layer of ice cream,
and then more hot fudge.

I guess because Mom's
an archaeologist,

I notice stuff like that.

- That's fascinating.
- And delicious.

Well, that looks incredible.

- Oh, you want a bite?
- Ooh. Well, maybe just a taste.

- Here, have some.
- That's enough.

Sabrina, we're sharing.

She has coffee.

I think there's plenty for all of us.

No, there's not.

Maybe there's enough ice cream
and enough whipped cream,

but there's only two layers
of hot fudge, and that is not enough.

Then I'll tell you what,
we'll get you your own.

- Oh, no, he's gonna use the voice.
- I don't want my own.

Sabrina, I didn't come here
to steal your hot fudge.

Really, I only wanted a bite.

- Just a bite?
- Yes.

Oh, well, that's okay.

You want the cherry?
I don't like them.

And the monster fun weekend
continues.

Who's up for charades?

I am. As long as I'm not
on Hilda's team.

- Same here.
- Well, I'll be on your team, Hilda.

- And Sabrina?
- I'll pass.

I'm gonna bring Salem his ice cream
and then I've gotta do some homework.

It's Friday night.

You know kids.
We love our homework. Gotta go.

She's taking this hard.

And covering so well.

- Maybe I should go.
- No. I'll just go have a talk with her.

Here, cat, pig out.

Hey, you have to open the bag.
I can't--

Oh, Ted, fantastic.
Listen, could you--?

Not now, Salem.

[SOBBING]

TED:
Sabrina,

I think we need to talk.

- About what?
- Your problem with Gail.

I don't have a problem with Gail.

Then she can come with us
to the ice show tomorrow?

- Absolutely not.
- See, there is a problem.

Honey, I know it's hard for you
to accept a new woman in my life,

but I have to move on.

We all have to move on.

Okay, but before you do,

just remember,
Mom will be getting her Ph.D. soon,

and you could get
teaching jobs together

at a small college near a big city.

Villanova would be perfect.

That's a very sweet,
detailed thought.

That's not gonna happen.

- How about Miami of Ohio?
- No.

Now, I want you to do me a favour
and come downstairs

and give Gail a chance.
Can you do that?

Okay. But only because
I'm a really big person.

Great. Then you can be
on Aunt Hilda's team for charades.

Ohh!

Oh, this is good. This is so good.

I mean, did powdered wigs
look good on anyone?

- We're back.
- Just in time.

Here's Ted in a kilt.

[IN DEEP VOICE]
Put the photo album down.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Now, let's all sit and chat.

About what?

Well, actually, I'd like to hear
more about you, Gail.

- You would?
- Yeah.

What do you wanna know?

I wasn't really
paying attention before,

so, um, let's start at the beginning.

- You're a lawyer, right?
- Right.

And you and my dad
have been going out how long?

- About a year.
- So you think you'll get married?

- No.
- Yes.

- Did you say no?
- Yes, didn't you?

- No.
- You said yes?

- Yes.
- When I said no?

- Yes.
- That's not good.

- No.
- Are you upset?

- Yes.
- You'd like to talk?

- No.
- I think we should.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Okay. I know we've never
discussed this,

but I thought marriage
was where we were heading.

Not me. Gail, you know
I've done the marriage thing.

Well, I haven't, and I'd like to.

- What are you doing?
- Just looking for a page.

I think I need some time
to re-evaluate

everything we've ever said
to each other. Goodbye.

Gail--

- What do I do?
- Go after her.

Quickly.

She wants to be alone.

So...

...who's up for charades?

What smells so funny?

Your dad was up a lot last night,
and I guess he thought he'd be helpful

by opening every jar in the house.

Would you like sweet gherkins
for breakfast?

Not really. So is Dad still sleeping?

Nope. Not now. Not ever.

Dad, what about the ice show?
You're not dressed.

- Isn't it casual?
- Not that casual.

No problem. I'll change.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Quickly. Harvey's here.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Wow, you got all dressed up.

I wanted to make a good impression
on your dad. Is it too much?

Well, he may ask you
to do his taxes.

- Did you put stuff in your hair?
- No.

Yes.

- You must be Harvey.
- I must.

- This is my dad.
- Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Ooh. I forgot my camera.
I'll be right back.

You guys get to know each other.

- All set?
- Let's go.

Hey, if we have time,
maybe we could stop by the arcade.

These little flashlights
were more fun when I was five.

Wow. Katarina Witt
is really beautiful.

You think so?

[CROWD GASPING]

- That had to hurt.
- This is fun.

I don't think your dad's having
too good a time.

- What do you mean?
- He sunk all those baskets

and it was like
it meant nothing to him.

No, I think he just didn't wanna
rub our noses in it.

At least he hasn't tried
to have a man-to-man talk with me.

- Hey, guys.
- That was quick.

The line for sodas was really long,
so I got us carrot juices instead,

and little boxes of raisins.

Yum, yum.
I'll be back with something to eat.

So, Harvey,

- how's life?
- Fine, thanks for asking.

You mind if we have a talk,
man-to-man?

- No.
- Okay.

Here's the question.

If you love a woman,

do you think
you ought to marry her?

- Well, I--
- There are a million reasons not to,

but are any of them any good?

A few might be.

But how do you know
when you're ready?

Maybe you never know.

Maybe one day you just
have to take that leap.

Sir, I'm only .

Mmm.

Chutney-olive-peanut-butter
casserole.

Oh, the pickled beets
look great on top.

They're home.

Hi. Did you have fun?

- We had a blast.
- Sauerkraut dandy?

Thanks.

Hey, you know
what I feel like doing now?

Playing solitaire.

We have to talk. Upstairs.

- Okay.
- Are we in trouble?

What's going on?

I'm worried about Dad.

I don't think
he enjoyed the ice show.

I'm sure he had a fine time.

No, he got really hostile.

He even threw his souvenir
Scott Hamilton cup at Scott Hamilton.

- Did he get him?
- That's not the point.

I think Dad might be a little depressed.
Look at this.

- Yuck.
- Oh, that's ketchup, not blood.

Anyway, I have an idea.

I think I know how to make
everything right.

Five hundred channels of mindless
entertainment. He'll love it.

Sabrina, I don't think pay-per-view
is what will make your father happy.

I think the problem
is he misses Gail.

- He didn't mention her all day.
- He didn't have to. This says it all.

See, his smile
is more of a pang than a ping.

I can't stand to see him miserable.

I've gotta do something.

- Honey, maybe you've done enough.
- I'm gonna go talk to Gail.

- Do you think that's wise?
- I'll let you know when I get back.

Hello?

Anyone?

[RINGS BELL]

May I help you?

I need to find someone
but don't know where they are.

Then you've come to the right place.
This is the index, and I am the keeper.

Walker, comma, James T.
at your service. And you are?

- Sabrina.
- Last name first.

Spellman, comma, Sabrina J.

Pleased to meet you.
Who are you looking for?

- Her name is Gail.
- Last name first.

- I don't know her last name.
- Cross reference.

- Know anything else?
- She's a lawyer.

There are , lawyers named Gail.

You can start with
Aardvark, comma, Gail Q.

- I don't have time.
- Then I need more information.

I know she likes hot fudge.

We don't keep data
on ice-cream-topping preferences.

- What do you keep data on?
- Shoe size, neck size, birthdate,

last book read, blood type,
skin pH, fatal flaw--

Wait. I know her blood type.
It's, um, E negative.

A rare one.

Aha! That cuts it down to two.

Bolger, comma, Gail
and Kipling, comma, Gail.

Well, I'm in kind of a hurry.

Is there anything else
you can tell me about them?

Technically,
I'm not supposed to say this,

but one of these Gails
has an extremely high skin pH.

- Is your Gail scaly?
- No.

Then I'd go with Kipling, comma, Gail.
Page .

- Great. How do I get there?
- Tube it.

This will send you directly
to your page.

Bend your knees.

SABRINA:
Whoa.

Now, where in the Hill, comma, Sam
did I leave my keys?

- Gail?
- Who is it?

Sabrina. Can we talk?

Now is not a good time.

I'm very busy exploring the profit
potential of Drell suing himself.

I'll be quick. I just came to tell you
how much my dad misses you.

Duly noted.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm working.

But you can't just stop seeing him.

I'm sorry, I can't think about Ted
or anything else

until I get these papers off my desk.

Then let me help you.

What do you think you're doing?

Your desk is clear.
Now can we talk?

You've got five minutes.

Good. I'll take them over here.

Look, I don't know much
about adult relationships,

but I know you're making
a big mistake.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah. My dad's the coolest.

I mean, he's fun
and thoughtful and kind.

And if there's a good movie on,
he'll let you stay up late.

I'm aware
of your father's good points.

That's why I said yes when you asked
if I thought we'd get married.

- So, what's the problem?
- He said no.

He just needs time. The divorce
was really hard on him and my mom.

They thought the marriage
was gonna last forever,

not years, which is a lot shorter.

So now he's a little freaked out.
But just be patient.

I keep telling him
he has to move on.

We all have to move on.

How much time
do you think he'll need?

Well, it's hard to say. But the question
you have to ask yourself is not

do you wanna get married,
but do you love my dad.

I do.

Then you should be together.
It's as simple as that.

You know the love between two people
is stronger than any legal document.

Yes, but as a lawyer
I'm not supposed to admit it.

Dad, someone's here to see you.

Do they have a three of clubs?

Ted.

- Gail.
- I'll leave you two alone.

Okay, we're down
to the last three jars.

I'll eat the Fluff,
you eat the marmalade,

- we'll split the capers.
- Deal.

- Gail's back.
HILDA: She is?

- That's wonderful.
- Yeah, I'm so happy for Dad.

I'm really, really happy for Dad.

What about Mom?

Why don't you call her in Peru?
See how she's doing.

I talked to her yesterday.
I just wish I could see her.

You could,
with the magic sneak-a-peek.

- What's that?
- It's a very powerful magnifier

that allows you to key in
to anyone on the planet.

Isn't that eavesdropping?

The picture's too fuzzy
to make anybody uncomfortable.

Just hold it up to the map in your
magic book and you'll see your mom.

- Cool. Thanks.
- You're welcome.

- That will make her feel better.
- Yeah.

You know, it's crazy,
but this is really hitting the spot.

- What are you doing?
- Sneaking a peek at my mom.

I see her. There she is.

I guess I don't have to worry
about Mom anymore.

- She's happy?
- Yeah. She loves her work.

And her colleague is really cute.

So I'm pleased to say
everyone's moved on.

Not me. I'm staying put.

There's an exciting shaft of light
on the ceiling

that will keep me here
for the next five hours.

So there is. Well, enjoy it, Salem.
You deserve it.

[PINGS]

Hey, I pinged.

- Go get them.
- Come on.

I still don't see why I had to be
on Aunt Hilda's team.

- Ready?
- Uh-huh.

It's a play.

Fifty-one words.

Six words.

First word. Sounds like.

Air-traffic controller.

Smiling air-traffic controller.

I can't think of anything else.

SALEM:
Ow. Ow, ow.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.

- Yes.
- Yes.