01x19 - Cat Showdown

[bunniefuu]

Please be home.
Please, please, please.

[PHONE RINGING]

Should I?

Please answer.

I don't know.

Oh, all right.

- Hello.
- Aunt Hilda, I'm so glad you're home.

I left my history book
on the counter.

- Do you see it?
- Yes, it's right here where you left it.

- Can you send it to me?
- Are you alone?

- Yes.
- Stand back.

Oops.

- What happened?
- I sneezed.

- So where's my book?
- I don't know,

but I'm sure it will turn up
somewhere.

This is my biggest fan.

I just don't get why
they're making us read

when Orwell got so much wrong.

Hey, guys. I'm selling tickets for
the sophomore class trip to Funland.

- Do you wanna go?
- Sure.

Funland sounds like fun. How much?

- Forty bucks.
- Whoa.

- Who has that kind of money?
- I do.

The deadline's the end of next week,
so let me know.

I can tell her right now. I'll never
be able to dig up that much cash.

Me neither.
Plus I can't ask my aunts,

they're on a "teach her the value
of a dollar" kick.

- What made them do that?
- I went on a "blow my allowance

on dumb stuff" kick.

And while I was on hold, I realised
I need one of those shoe buffers.

- I'm sorry, sir. You're maxed out.
- Maxed out?

But that's impossible.
I demand to speak with your--

Hello? Hello?

- Salem, what's going on?
- I don't believe it.

I just had my credit card yanked.

- You have a credit card?
- Yes.

I was pre-approved by the
good people of the Bank of Newark.

Now I'm a little over-extended.

I'm sorry to hear that.

- I appreciate your concern.
- No, I was gonna hit you up for a loan.

- And I was gonna ask you for money.
- How ironic.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

We're doomed.
I guess we're gonna have to get jobs.

Coming.

- Me again.
- Hello, Dirk.

Sorry to disturb you,
Ms. Zelda P. Spellman.

But I just finished my rounds

when I discovered a straggler
in the bottom of my bag.

- For you.
- Thanks.

- Thought it might be important.
- I've been pre-approved

by the Bank of Newark.

Say, I saw you talking
to a FedEx guy the other day.

Is there something
I should know about?

He was just dropping off a package.

Yeah, I don't trust those guys.

You know, it's not natural for mail
to move that fast.

I agree. And now it's very important
that I close the door.

He has really got it bad for you.

I wish there was some gentle way
to let him down.

I know what you need. I just saw
an ad for it in Modern Witch.

It's a new perfume that repels love.
Here it is.

"Somewhere between disdain
and contempt lies Revulsion."

Revulsion? Hmm.

"Available at Full Moon
Beauty Supply."

- Let's go.
- We can't. Full Moon Beauty Supply

- is only open once a month.
- When?

During the full moon.

- I knew that.
SABRINA: Accountant?

No. Crane operator?

No. Systems analyst?

Hey, I can do that. Good system.
Bad system.

I think you need to know
something about computers.

Hold everything. Look at this.

"Greater Boston Cat Show.
Grand prize $ ."

A cat show?
I can't see you in a cat show.

Don't you think I'm pretty?

- Of course.
- Then get an application.

- This is our chance for a quick score.
- All right.

Okay, name, Salem Spellman.

May I remind you
I'm your cat, not your pet.

- I have my own last name.
- You do?

Saberhagen.
Salem Saberhagen.

- And what breed are you?
- American Shorthair.

And darn proud of it. Write that down.
The judges will eat that up.

That's all we need,
except for the $ application fee.

Don't look at me. I'm maxed out.

Would you sign me in?
I'm gonna grab the last cage.

Sure. It's Saberhagen, right?

Right.

Here you go.

- Are you comfortable?
- I feel like a caged animal in here.

- Look at all these losers.
- Hey, you better behave yourself.

- I will.
- You always say that, but--

If people see me talking to my cat,
they'll think I'm nuts.

- Look around.
WOMAN: Yes, you are.

- Yes, you are.
- You wanna be a winner,

think like a winner.

Okay, we can talk all we want.

Hello.

What a pretty cat.

Oh, no ribbons?

- This is our first show.
- Duke has won quite a few times.

- See?
- It's nice of your cat

- to let you wear them.
- Oh, yes.

He's a Burmese, you know.

- What's yours?
- An American Shorthair.

[SALEM CLEARS THROAT]

And darn proud of it.

Well, the Burmese judging is up first,
so we'd better go finish grooming.

Unbelievable. Did you see that?
Her cat had whisker extensions.

- How could you tell?
- It's so obvious.

I got you a good number, .

Excellent. Lucky .

Hey, isn't that Bob Gordon,
the Channel news guy?

Yeah. I guess he's the judge.

Welcome to the Greater Boston
Cat Show. I'm Bob Gordon.

Today, I will be selecting
for Best of Breed.

Those winners will stay overnight and
tomorrow be judged for Best of Show.

I hope you're all prepared
for a thorough

and perhaps even gruelling
competition.

- Psst. Sabrina.
- Yeah.

Get the brush.
I'm shedding like crazy.

- What is he looking for?
- To see if it's a boy or a girl?

This cat has excellent bone structure,
a lovely coat,

and a somewhat
bemused expression.

This is one of my top three
American Shorthairs.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Congratulations.

Now, let's begin
the parade of semi-finalists.

- Parade?
- Watch out for Andrew,

- he'll try to trip you.
- Watch out for Mrs. Ericson,

- she plays head games.
- Watch out for Haley, she's paranoid.

Here we go.

This is the cheesiest thing
I've ever done.

SALEM:
Smile.

- Hey.
- Did I step on your shoe?

How am I supposed to choose?

Do you mind if I take off?
I'm bored out of my skull.

Go ahead.
My aunts can pick me up.

This was fun.

Now we will begin
the one-on-one interviews.

What can you tell me
about Salem's temperament?

Well, he's very friendly, very focused,
and just a little power mad.

- Sounds like he's all cat.
- Right.

And he's got a real head for numbers.
May I demonstrate?

Ask him a simple
multiplication question.

Okay. Salem, uh,
what's seven times five?

Amazing.

Although we do judge
purely on appearance.

Isn't that life.

Will all of our semi-finalists
please bring their cats forward.

I will now announce
my Best of Breed decisions.

[CACKLES]

And this is my first place
American Shorthair.

And darn proud of it.

Come on, Hilda.
Full moon. Let's go.

Coming. Relax,
you'll get your Revulsion.

Oh, I hope it works. I don't want Dirk
to go after the UPS guy again.

Hello. Welcome to
Full Moon Beauty Supply.

- May I help you?
- I need a bottle of Revulsion.

Ah! Someone's bothering you.
A little or a lot?

- Well--
- Oh, get the big one.

A pretty girl like you
needs a lot of Revulsion.

- Oh, what's this?
- Oh, this is a magic mirror

that shows you at your best.

"The makeover mirror.
It's a nice reflection on you."

Try it.

I'm ravishing.

- I have to have it.
- Oh, here, buy two.

- One for each of you.
- No. Hilda, you can't buy self-esteem.

Yes, I can, and it's on sale.

Try some wrinkle berries.

They smooth out your face
and other places.

Here, I give you half a pound.

No, thank you.
We can shop for ourselves.

Fine.

Oh, stress mints.
I wonder if they work.

Careful, it says no samples.

I can read.

- Hilda, what have you done?
- I didn't do anything.

Aha! My "no samples" spell works.

I couldn't help myself.
Change me back, please.

Okay, but first,
you'll pay for the stress mints,

and then you'll buy a sample antidote,
and then you'll buy a gift certificate.

Oh, sure.
Stick it to the little guy.

Today, Best of Breed.
Tomorrow, Best of Show.

You should be very proud, Salem.

Okay, here's your milk,
and The Economist.

Now, I have to go call my aunts.

I guess we're closing down the place.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Excuse me.
- Gotta go.

Hello.

Who is this?

- Yes, I'm alone.
- Hm?

In the briefcase?

Oh, dear Lord.

Where did you get this photo?

Name your price.
I'll pay you anything.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

That's it? No, no, no.
No problem.

You just keep those negatives
to yourself,

and I promise your cat
will be named Best of Show.

- Good night again, Mr. Gordon.
- Out of my way.

- What's with him?
- The contest is fixed.

The judge is being blackmailed
with an incriminating photo.

- You're kidding. Of what?
- I don't know. He took it into his office.

- I'll go check.
- I'll stay here.

There it is.

Incredible.

- If people only knew.
GORDON: I thought I closed that.

Meow. Meow!

Oh, no.

Kitty.

Kitty.

How did you get in here?

Okay. There you go.
There you go.

Oh, you are a pretty little kitty.

Too bad you don't have a chance.

SABRINA: Salem.
- Sabrina, where are you?

SABRINA:
Next to you. In a cage.

SABRINA: Salem, this is awful.
If I can't point, I can't turn myself back.

- What was that?
SALEM: What?

- There's something in here with me.
SALEM: What?

SABRINA:
Oh, it's just my tail.

Hello?

Sabrina? Are you in here?

SABRINA:
Yes, next to Salem.

Sabrina?

SABRINA:
Hi. Or should I say meow?

Oh, look how cute
the little blond kitty is.

SABRINA: I have claws,
and I will use them.

- Now, change me back.
- Here you go. Oh.

Help me, Hilda.

That feels so much--

[SCREAMS]

- Change the rest of me.
- Sorry.

- Now, what is going on?
- I'll explain everything,

but right now I really have
to get home and brush my teeth.

[COUGHS]

Another hairball.

And to think they call Bob Gordon

the most trusted name
in New England news.

Who'd have thought the cat show
would be a cauldron of corruption.

Don't give up. All you have to do
is figure out who the blackmailer is.

The problem is everyone has
a motive. Everyone wants to win.

But only the blackmailer
took this picture.

A reverse-angle spell
will tell us who that is.

There, and the blackmailer is...

A person wearing a loose robe,
obscured by a shadow,

with a big camera covering his,
or her, face.

Must be some
distinguishing characteristic.

All you can see
is the right hand and--

Wait a sec.

Does that look like
a whole finger to you?

No. Whoever took this photo
is missing half an index finger.

And that's who your blackmailer is.

- So it's not over?
- Not even close.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go meet and greet.

- Did I just do a cat thing?
- Yeah.

Good morning,
I just wanted to wish you good luck.

- May the best cat win.
- You mean my Duke.

Thanks.

Oh. Uh, what a nice grooming mitt.

- May I see it?
- Get your own.

You're the competition.

Haley, I just wanted to say it's been
really great getting to know you.

I don't touch people.

- How goes the investigation?
- Not good.

My three prime suspects are all
cleverly concealing their hands.

I know how to fix that.

Mini quiches. No one can resist them.

- Oh, looks good.
- Those aren't for you.

They're for the blackmailer.

Free quiche. Help yourselves.

- Don't mind if I do.
- Well, maybe just one.

I did skip breakfast.

[GASPING]

Well, look at that.

I thought I was the only one.

This is amazing.

- Shop glass?
- Farm accident.

- Used to keep wolverines.
- We should start a support group.

Oh, thanks for the quiche.

It's over, Salem.

The blackmailer
has the perfect cover.

Then take me home.

I wanna enjoy something pure.
Like harness racing.

He's not gonna get away with this.
Mr. Gordon?

I need to talk to you right away.

I'm about to make
the Best of Show presentation.

- It can wait.
- Pushy.

Like a young Diane Sawyer.

What is it?

I know you're being blackmailed.

I saw the photo,
and I know your secret.

So, what do you want?
Second place?

No. Look, don't give into them.

Come clean. You don't have
to hide the fact that you're--

- Don't say it.
- Bald.

Shh! You have no idea
what this means.

- It could destroy my career.
- How?

Aren't honesty and integrity the most
important things to a journalist?

Not in this decade.
People like people with hair.

They've done studies.

The public hasn't trusted a bald man
since Eisenhower.

But they believe in you,
and you're not playing fair.

You wanna talk about fair?
I wore a toupee to my first frat party.

Don't talk to me about fair.

Sabrina, I didn't wanna miss
Salem's big showdown.

- I'm not late, am I?
- You didn't miss anything,

except confirmation we live in a rotten,
crooked, corrupt, stinking world.

Good.

The moment we've all been
waiting for has arrived.

What does it take
to be a championship cat?

Mrs. Ericson,
may I please see Duke?

- So that's who the blackmailer is.
- Duke is a fine, superb cat.

Note the tail, the bone structure,
the excellent tension in the whiskers.

What-- What is this?

SALEM:
That cat has whisker extensions.

- Those are illegal.
- No, they're not.

I checked the rulebook
very carefully,

there's nothing wrong
with whisker extensions.

Absolutely.

If Mrs. Ericson would like to glue
bits of hair onto her animal

to improve its image, she can.

It may seem a little desperate,
a little silly, a little vain,

but who are we to--?

Oh, dear Lord,
it's like looking into a mirror.

It's time to come clean.

Our top story tonight is this.

[GASPING]

- He's bald.
- None of you saw this.

- Stop, it's over.
- No, it's just the beginning.

Mr. Gordon thought he needed this
to gain people's trust.

But trust should not depend
on fake hair.

Trust should depend
on real knowledge, integrity,

and accurate reporting.

Sabrina, he's on TV news.

Still, we should all applaud this man
who has stood before us

and bared his naked head.

Thank you.

Big deal.

Now, can we get on
with the competition?

Who won Best of Show?

Duke did. He was already
announced the winner.

I take it back.
I'm disqualifying you

for attempting to influence
a cat-show official,

and that is in the rulebook.

You don't understand.
Duke is getting older.

He's not as pretty as he used to be.

Oh, God, I miss my youth.

Talk about cracking
under the pressure.

Enough about people.
Who's the best cat?

The truth makes that decision easy.

This weekend, I have met a rare
and extraordinary cat.

A cat unlike any other.

Where is Salem Saberhagen?

Oh, my God.
Everything's in slow motion.

Now, here is a cat who is not only
attractive but intelligent.

And I would like to award it
the first prize blue ribbon--

Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

There is another cat.

The most beautiful little kitty
that I have ever seen.

- Where is that blond cat?
- What blond cat?

Wait a sec.

I know where she is.

What is she doing?
Her cat was about to win.

Don't worry, Harvey,
Sabrina always lands on her feet.

SABRINA:
Pretend I belong to you.

Is this the cat you're looking for?

Why, yes. What's her name?

- Sabrina.
- She named her cat Sabrina?

Doesn't that get confusing
around the house?

It's a pretty confusing place
in general.

I am pleased and proud to announce,
and with the utmost integrity,

that this blond cat
is Best of Show Grand Champion.

SABRINA:
Whoo-hoo!

SALEM:
I was so close.

[SALEM SOBBING]

- No, Harvey, she's not for sale.
- Are you sure?

She's the sweetest,
most beautiful cat I've ever held.

- All set.
- What did you do?

I felt bad for Bob Gordon,
so I left a little present in his office.

Let's check out the damage.

Oh, my.

I look fabulous.

Bobby baby, Bobby boubie.

I'm Bob Gordon,

and this is Eyewitness
Action News Center .

- Salem?
SALEM: Meow.

- Come on, Salem.
- Meow, meow.

You have to talk to me some time.
I've got your chin.

Oh, that feels good.
Wait, I'm still mad at you.

- I can't believe you did that to me.
- I said I was sorry.

My vanity took over.
But it all worked out fine.

Harvey and I get to go to Funland,
and I promise to pay off your debt.

- I guess the money is all that matters.
- No, it's not.

And that's why
you should have this.

The blue ribbon?

You deserve it. After all,
you are the best cat.

- Salem?
- Just got a little something in my eye.

Dirk, I was hoping
you'd stop by today.

I brought your mail,

and some Omaha Steaks
I found in the unclaimed mailroom.

How thoughtful.

Hey, would you like to come in
for a cup of coffee?

I'd like that.

Wow, it's really happening.

- Do you take cream and sugar?
- Yes, please.

Hey, you're reading the magazine
I brought you.

Yes, and I'm paying the bills
you brought me too.

I'm sorry about those.
Enough shoptalk.

See, Zelda, my interest in you
is not purely professional.

You are no mere occupant to me.
You're the bright spot on my route.

Can you meet my parents
this Sunday?

I think first you should get
to know the real me.

I think I know you pretty well.

Here's your coffee.

Thanks.

You a little tired?

I'm exhausted.