01x08 - Magic Joel

[bunniefuu]

- Phone's for you.
- I didn't hear it ring.

I was on another call.
I think it's Harvey.

Well, why didn't you say so? Scat.

SALEM:
I hate when she says that.

- Hello?
BOY [OVER PHONE]: Hey, Sabrina.

- Hi, Harvey.
- Got a question.

Sure, ask away.

What pages are we supposed
to read for Mr. Pool's class?

Just the chapter on digestion
up to the large intestine.

- Is that it?
- No.

Actually, I'm not calling about
homework. That was just an excuse.

It was? For what?

I really called to say, Sabrina,

I think you're the prettiest girl
in school.

- You do?
- Yeah.

And there's something else
I wanna tell you.

- What?
- I like squid. I like it a lot.

- Squid rocks!
- Who is this?

It's Harvey.

[CHUCKLING]

- Salem. You are so neutered.
- Uh-oh.

[SALEM CACKLES]

[SCREAMS]

And if the soccer team wins again
tomorrow, we get to go to the playoffs.

Uh-huh.

Sabrina, did you hear what I said?

Sure, you were saying
something about

something?

You're not paying attention.
You keep looking around.

I was sort of expecting Harvey
to show up.

So, what were you saying
about school?

I wasn't saying anything about school.
I was saying if the soccer team--

Wait. Harvey's here.

- Pretend like we're talking.
- We are talking.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Harvey.

Would you be up
for a game of foosball?

Oh, actually I was just
talking to Emma.

That's okay. You go and play.
I'll finish my story later.

Good, because I really want to hear
the end of it. And the beginning.

- Okay.
- All right.

Let's foos.

I lead, to .

Yeah, but you're going down today.

Ball up.

- Spin, spin.
- You're on the ropes.

- Hey, Harvey.
- Hi, Libby.

Goooaaal!

What?

[FLATLY]
Ahem. Goal.

- Hey.
- Oh, hi, Sabrina.

Oh, Harvey called for you
about an hour ago.

No, he didn't.
I was just with him.

[SALEM CHUCKLES]

Why do I never tire of it?

So you were out with Harvey.

Did the two of you have a date?

No, we were just playing foosball.

Harvey's too oblivious
to ask me out on a date.

I wish there was a way
I could get Harvey to notice me.

Well, the best way to get someone's
attention is to be an interesting person.

Gee, let me think.

What would make me
more interesting?

I know, what if I had supernatural
powers and could blow stuff up.

Careful. A little close.

Sabrina, that is not the way
to get Harvey's attention.

I know. But it made me feel better.

Look, if you want him to notice you,
don't be so available.

Get a hobby or a job.
When I was a girl, I kept bees.

I think I'll get a job.

What kind of job
are you looking for?

Something to keep me busy
on Friday nights.

Yeah, I don't have a boyfriend either.

Hey, look, auditions today
for a "lovely magician's assistant."

That's perfect for me.

[SCOFFS]

Conceited.

I'm here for the lovely
magician's assistant job.

- You're really not qualified.
- Aren't I lovely?

Well, yes, Justin, you are.
But you're not a girl.

Well, the sign didn't say
anything being a girl.

Would you be willing
to wear sequins?

- Sure.
- Slit up to here?

- No problem.
- Yeah, well,

- you're too tall. Next.
- I'll wear flats.

Next!

He'll love you, shorty.

Um, I'm here for the
magician's assistant job.

- I'm Sabrina Spellman.
- I know.

- We're in English class together.
- We are?

Yeah, I sit three chairs behind you.

Remember, one day,

you dropped your pen and I picked
it up and you said, "Thanks a lot."

Yeah, and then you said,
"You're welcome."

Right. Ha-ha.
Well, you seem qualified.

You're lovely. Not too tall.

Now, do you have any experience
with magic?

A little.

I prepared a trick.

Well, you're mostly there
for misdirection, but go ahead.

Abracadabra.

That's like Vegas magic.

- You've got the job.
- Cool.

Hey. You heading over
to the Slicery?

I can't. I have rehearsal.

Rehearsal? Are you in a play?

No. I got a job as the lovely assistant
in a professional magic act.

Hey, Sabrina. I heard you joined
Magic Joel's freak show.

It's his World of Wonder.

Harvey, I'm heading over
to the Slicery.

- See you there?
- Sure.

- You coming?
- Didn't you hear what I said?

I can't.

- This is where the magic happens.
- And the laundry.

Wanna see me saw
my dog in half?

Your dog?

I had to practise on something
before you came along.

How did you get into magic anyway?

The truth is, I thought
it would make girls like me.

- And did it?
- See, that's the tragedy.

Girls hate magic.

But I still do it because magic
makes me feel special.

But I guess
you won't understand that.

Actually, I would.

If only magic were real.

Okay, let's start.

The first illusion you will learn
is the Assistant's Revenge.

Wow. My magic never
involved such large props.

You're not a professional.

Okay, now, before I show it to you,

you must swear never to reveal

the amaZing
and mystifying secrets of magic.

I swear I will never tell.

- The amaZing and--
- And mystifying secrets of magic.

Right. So how does it work?

Step in.

Now, I buckle the buckles
and lock the stocks.

Are you almost done?

You know, my dog
never complained.

Now, I close the curtain,
and I walk around the back,

and presto, change-o.

SABRINA: Ow, my foot.
JOEL: Sorry.

Now say, "Isn't he amaZing?"

Isn't he amaZing?

Thanks. Now close the curtain again.

JOEL:
Open it again.

Hey, where did you go?

I disappeared. Heh-heh.

- AmaZing.
- It's our big finale.

Now, let's talk wardrobe.

I'm thinking a velour pantsuit
with a plunging neckline.

And what will you wear?

You didn't have to walk me home.

Well, after rehearsal,
I always had to walk my dog too.

- Well, I'll see you.
- But before I go.

- Isn't he amaZing?
- For you.

Thanks. See you tomorrow.

Oh! Watch me disappear.

- Who was that?
- Joel.

He seems like a nice boy.

Yeah. Did Harvey call?

I don't think so.
But check with the cat.

Oh, I shouldn't have.

Pick a card, any card,
and I will amaZe and astound you.

You mean bother and bore me.

Hi, Harvey. Can I sit with you?

What's wrong with your table?

It's too close to Magic Joel.
I can't believe you're working with him.

- You're working with Joel?
- I told you. I'm his lovely assistant.

- You never pay any attention.
- Yes, I do.

You got pudding right there.

[CHUCKLES]

I hope this beautiful tie
isn't valuable.

Well, it's my favourite tie, but--
What are you doing?

Magic, Mr. Pool.

Magic to amaZe and astound you.
Presto, change-o.

Huh. How did you do that?

I think you made it cleaner.

Mr. Pool, I'm gonna make you
an offer that you can't refuse.

So Claire comes over--
You know Claire.

- No.
- Well, she had the best story

about Alice. You know Alice.

- No.
- I'm telling the story anyway.

- See--
- Sabrina, I've got great news.

Excuse me. Business.

Thanks to Mr. Pool,
we got our first big gig.

It's tomorrow here
in the cafeteria.

- All right. The cafeteria?
- Yeah.

Do I have to wear a hair net?

Tomorrow evening, then.

That sounds great. Okay.

Bye.

Who was that? What's going on?

I could only hear your side
of the conversation.

- That was my old college buddy.
- Galileo?

No, Ethan Boddicker.

He's coming over
tomorrow night for dinner.

Mm, Zelda, you have a date.

It's not a date.
It's dinner with a colleague.

And you're welcome to join us.

I'd rather die. But thanks.

Ta-da.

What do you think?
Do I look more interesting?

You look like some cheesy
magician's assistant.

His name is Joel.

And when we perform
in the cafeteria tomorrow

all eyes will be on us,
and Harvey will have to notice me.

What is Sabrina doing up there?

- Since when did she join a magic act?
- Behold.

The linking rings are unlinked.

Unlinked.

Still linked.

[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]

Isn't he amaZing?

AmaZingly lame.

ALL: Ha-ha-ha.
- Shh!

I can't take the pressure.

You can do this, Joel.
Move on to the tie trick.

[SIGHS]

Sir, may I have your tie
so that I can perform a trick

that will amaZe and astound you?

Why of course. I love this trick.
Ha-ha.

- Now I hope this tie isn't valuable.
- Ho-ho.

CraZy. Ha.

- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh?

You mean "presto."

No, I messed up.

I cut the wrong part.

You ruined my tie?

Grandpa's tie?

Isn't he amaZing?

No.

- Let's go to the big finish.
- Good idea.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
for the big finale,

I will make my
lovely assistant disappear.

You know, Sabrina really found
the perfect boyfriend.

She and Joel are going out?

That's what I heard.

All right, as you can see,
she cannot escape.

Now.

JOEL:
Presto, change-o.

Ta-da.

[APPLAUSE]

Leave him in there.

Now, Magic Joel will disappear.

JOEL:
No, wait, my pants are stuck.

- What do you mean?
JOEL: Oh, I blew the trick.

We'll make it work.

JOEL:
No, don't!

See, Magic Joel has disappeared.

- Wow. How'd they do that?
- Magic, I guess.

Show's over.

- Joel? Joel, where are you?
JOEL: I'm right here.

- Where?
JOEL: In the stocks.

JOEL:
What am I, invisible?

Ow, my eye.

JOEL:
You mean, I'm actually invisible?

- I don't know what happened.
JOEL: I do.

All my hard work paid off.
My magic is real.

It's real all right.

Okay, now we have
to change you back.

JOEL:
Why? This is great.

I can go anywhere,
I can do anything. I am Magic Joel.

Joel? Joel? Joel?

Where did he go?

Joel? Joel?

Sabrina.

Hi, Harvey.

I saw the show
and I have a question.

I can't tell you
how the tricks are done.

No, I just wanted to know if it was
true that you and Joel are going out.

JOEL: Yes.
- No.

- Did someone say yes?
JOEL: Yes.

No. I'm practising
my ventriloquism for the act.

But, uh, we'll talk later. Right now,
I've got to go into Mr. Pool's room.

I'm also doing mime.

How dare you? You have no right
telling Harvey

we're boyfriend and girlfriend.

JOEL: Why not?
- Because we're not.

JOEL:
I gave you a flower and you took it.

That doesn't mean anything.

JOEL:
Maybe not to you, but it does to me.

Look, Joel, we have
a business relationship and that's it.

JOEL: But Harvey doesn't
even notice you. I would worship you.

You'd be my everything.

I don't wanna be your everything.

Sabrina, what are you doing
in my classroom.

I came to ask you a question.

Ask away as I staple
my tie back together.

Okay, I wanted to know
if you enjoyed the magic show.

[SIGHS]

Uh-- Not really.
Joel ruined my favourite tie.

There's really something
not right about that boy.

- What was that?
- A gust of wind?

In this windowless prison cell?

Anyway, you know, I thought
you were really polished.

My advice, lose Joel.
You don't need him.

- Mr. Pool.
- Sabrina.

Don't be so harsh. This magic thing
is a lot harder than it looks.

Well, I'd better get going.

Come on.

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

Grandpa?

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello.
- Aunt Hilda, you have to help me.

I turned Joel invisible.

Calm down. You just need to give
him a shot of visibility powder.

It's right here in the cabinet.

Can you bring it to me?

You still don't get this witch thing,
do you? Are you alone?

Pretty much.

- Got it.
- Just spray some in his face

and he'll be fine.
See. No problem.

No problem
except now I have to find him.

Let's see, a -year-old invisible
boy loose in a high school.

- Where would he go?
- Oh, no.

Keep your shirts on.
Don't change.

I smell smoke. Run.

[ALL SCREAMING]

SABRINA:
Panic! Don't inhale!

JOEL:
Mean.

I knew you'd be here.
Look, Joel, we need to talk.

JOEL: Did you come to tell me
you changed your mind?

No.

JOEL: What are you doing
with that talcum powder?

I thought you might be chafing.

JOEL:
I know you probably don't see much

of me right now,
but you will.

I'll make you notice me, Sabrina.
You wait and see.

Ethan. I'm so glad you came.

Zelda, you look great.
You never seem to age.

Well, let's not talk about me. Let's
talk about the search for monopoles.

- Ah. You read my last paper.
- I couldn't put it down.

Oh, Zelda. I'm late
for my tea at the Harvard Club.

- Are you Ethan?
- Yes.

Oh, my God.

Excuse me.

- What's going on?
- Oh, it's stuck.

Why didn't you tell me
Ethan was cute?

I don't think about the way he looks.
I think about the way he thinks.

I think he's cute.

Weren't you going to Harvard
for some tea?

No, stupid, I was making fun of you.

Ugh. Now I'm staying here.
Oh, how's my hair?

You have brain head.

Where have you been?

Looking for Joel.

- I haven't seen him.
- Me neither.

- Hi, Sabrina. Can I sit here?
- Sure.

I wanna hear
more about your ventriloquism.

- You talk with your stomach, right?
JOEL: Harvey's a loser.

- Who said that?
- Uhh-- My stomach's grumbling.

[GRUNTING]

That's it.

Where are you?

Where are you?
When I get my hands on you--

Sabrina?

Gotta go.

But you have to factor in,

quarks remain forever trapped
in the particles they create.

I know the feeling.

Yes, but, nowadays,
all physics is subatomic physics.

I mean, between the bosons
and the leptons and the quarks.

Since you took a breath,
I thought I'd jump in with a new topic.

What's your favourite
Bruce Willis movie?

- I don't know. Die Hard.
- One, two, or three?

- Weren't they all the same?
- No, two is very different.

Hilda, sister, dear. Why don't you
make like an atom and split?

Fine, I can take a hint.

I'll leave you two alone
to discuss your little quirks.

- It's quarks.
- I meant quirks.

- Don't talk. Bad night.
- Know the feeling.

Thank goodness that she left.

Now we can talk about the first
millisecond after the Big Bang.

- See, I think--
- Love me.

What?

Sorry, it's just that, we finally get rid
of your weird sister.

And all you can talk about
is the Big Bang?

I came here tonight hoping
for more than science.

I wanted you to look into my eyes

and see something other
than rods and cones.

I love you, Zelda.
Don't you realise that?

You never said anything.

I've been playing footsie
with you all night.

That was you?
I thought it was the cat.

What's the point?
This is too humiliating.

I can't let him go.

Slippery floor.

Are you okay?

- What happened?
- Slippery floor.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

HILDA:
I'll get it.

- What are you doing down there?
BOTH: Slippery floor.

And now we're going back
into the dining room.

- It's time for dessert.
- Dessert?

Yes, dessert.

Oh, good, I like dessert.

SALEM:
Animals.

Hello, who are you?

I'm Harvey. Is Sabrina here?

Oh, come in. So you're Harvey.

Salem, go get Sabrina.

SALEM:
Why do I have to be the one?

I have a few questions.

Hey, Sabrina.

- Guess who's here?
- Very funny.

No, really. Harvey's here.

Harvey's here?

- Hi, Harvey.
- Hi, Sabrina.

I'll leave you two alone.

Take the cat.

[SALEM MEOWS]

So, what are you doing here?

I was worried about you. I noticed
you sort of lost it at the Slicery.

- You noticed?
- Yeah, and I wondered

if maybe you were mad at me?

No, I'm not mad.

Good, because
I was thinking maybe...

[MUTTERING]

- What?
- Oh, don't make me say it again.

I swear I didn't hear you.

Do you wanna go out with me?
Like on a date?

Like a real date?
I'd love that. Yeah. When?

- Now?
- Let's go.

Wait, I should change first.

Hang here. I'll be right back.

Actually, I'm gonna wait in my car.

I'm afraid your aunt
will keep asking questions.

Meet you out front.

- Oh.
JOEL: Hi, Sabrina.

Joel? I totally forgot about you.

- How did you get here?
JOEL: I came in with Harvey.

- Did you notice he noticed me?
JOEL: Yeah.

So I guess I'm out of the running.

Joel, you never were--

Yeah, you're out of the running.

JOEL:
I wish you'd like me, Sabrina.

I do,

Joel, just not
in the way you want me to.

But I like talking magic with you.

JOEL: You do?
- Yeah.

Look, are you anywhere
near my face?

[PIANO PLAYING]

JOEL:
Actually, I'm at the piano.

- I didn't know you liked the piano.
- I thought it'd make girls like me.

- And did it?
- No, girls like guitars.

Hey, wait here. Play.

I gotta grab something
in the kitchen.

[PIANO STILL PLAYING]

Wow, you're good.

JOEL: Thank you.
- Yeah.

[COUGHING]

- What are you doing?
- I'm undoing.

And you know, Joel, some day

some girl will appreciate
all your hard work.

Maybe not in high school,
but, I'm sure by late college.

Well, I better get going.

So I guess this is it.

I guess.

No, wait, we have
English class together.

Oh, right, so I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah, see you.

What's going on? Who are you?

I'm Joel.

- You can see me?
- Yes.

And you're not wearing any pants.

Joel, what are you doing in here?

- Oh. You can see me?
- No, you're invisible.

- I am?
- No!

Get out or I'm telling Coach Saffo.

Man, I thought for sure
I'd done it right.

I was Magic Joel once,
and I will be again.

Get out.

I hate magic.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? Oh, hi, Ethan.

Well, you're welcome.

Oh, well, yes.

Well, anytime. I'd like that.

What are you doing now?

Oh, you're at home.

You're eating a can of tuna?

Salem, I can't believe
you tricked me. Ooh!

Zelda? Zelda? Ze--

[PHONE BEEPS]

What's her problem?