01x05 - A Halloween Story

[bunniefuu]

[SINGING] Core the pumpkin
Ghosts come play

Halloween, oh, happy day

- Halloween, oh, happy day
- Halloween, oh, happy day

What are you doing to Salem?
I heard him screeching.

ZELDA:
Very funny.

We were singing a Halloween carol.

Yes. Happy Halloween.
I bet you couldn't sleep last night

with all the excitement
and anticipation.

I managed.

Oh, that's not the spirit.

Halloween is our favourite holiday.
It's a magical night.

Yes. Sing it, Zeldie.

[SINGING]
Have a jolly-olly Hallo-alloween

Please stop singing.
Look, I'm trying, okay?

I'm going to school in a costume.
Guess who I am.

Sally Jessy Raphael.
What, do I need a microphone?

That is the lamest costume
I've ever seen.

It's just a pair of glasses.

There's no fooling you.

Well, if you can do better,
be my guest.

- There.
- Much better.

What did you do?

Oh, man.

Next up, we are going to talk
to a teenage witch

and her aunts
who take things too far.

BOTH [SINGING]:
Have a jolly-olly Hallo-alloween

- Have a jolly-olly Hallo-alloween
- Have a jolly-olly Hallo-alloween

Does this make my butt look big?

Hey, Sabrina.

I got something for you.
It's kind of last minute, but here.

My parents are making me
have a Halloween party.

Bummer. Next thing you know
they'll make you go on a ski trip.

No, see my dad always buys in bulk
at these discount clubs,

and we got a lot of snack food
that expires in November.

Oh, so that's why it says
"all food must be eaten by midnight."

I'm thinking about going
as James Dean.

I love James Dean.

Yeah, and all I need's a white T-shirt,
some jeans, and something to lean on.

Anyway, I was hoping you could
come early and help me set stuff up.

I can't.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

I've got a family thing.

My aunts take Halloween
very seriously. I know it's weird.

No, no, my mom's that way
about Flag Day.

Well, I wish I could help.
I feel really bad.

I got your invitation, Harvey.
See you at .

Unless you need me
to come early and help.

- Sure.
- No problem.

Hey, and now
you don't have to feel bad.

- Please, I have to go to Harvey's party.
- No.

What if I promise to be
with the family all Thanksgiving?

We're not big on Thanksgiving.

That holiday was started by Puritans,
who weren't exactly witch-friendly.

So instead we celebrate a night
devoted to little kids

dressing up like superheroes?

That is not what All Hallows Eve
is all about.

It's a time
for remembering the dead.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

I just know I'll have a terrible time.

And that's what family gatherings
are all about.

You think I wanna listen
to cousin Marigold

brag about how married she is
and how single I am? No.

But we go, because it's tradition.

And Zelda makes me.

And now you're making me?

See? Tradition.

I tell you what.

If we get back in time, you can still go
to Harvey's party, okay?

Not okay. Libby's going early,
so unless I'm there from the start,

I may as well go to the Other Realm
and never come back.

Can I go to Harvey's party?

It's so unfair. They can't make me
go to the Other Realm.

They made me a cat.
You're messing with the wrong crowd.

So there's no way I can go
to Harvey's party?

There might be. Get your magic book,
turn to full body duplication.

What's that?

You can make a double that looks
and acts just like you.

I'll send my double
to the family thing.

No can do. Your aunts
would spot the switch in no time.

Well, then my double will hold
my place until I can be with Harvey.

Okay, here goes.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Bill Shakespeare stole that from us.
What a hack.

It didn't work.

Step aside.

Wow. AmaZing.

It can't talk until you give it
something to say.

And keep in mind,
it can only say three sentences.

Let me think.

I want my double to be positive,

because people always feel positive
about positive people.

My tuna's coming up.

So let's start with "I'd love to."

I'd love to.

Okay, and I want me to be a good
listener, so let's try "That is so true."

That is so true.

And we need a universal truth.
Oh, that's easy.

"Mr. Pool can be so annoying."

Mr. Pool can be so annoying.

Well, then I guess I'm--
We're all set.

Except I need a costume.

Hey, I look really cute.

That is so true.

I like me.

[SALEM CHUCKLES]

Okay, that's Libby.
She's really annoying.

Mr. Pool can be so annoying.

Now, your mission is to make sure
she's never alone with Harvey.

Okay? Go.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Sabrina?
You're not supposed to be here.

- You are totally butting in.
- That is so true.

Hey, Libby.
Hi, Sabrina. You made it.

You know, you look good
as a witch.

Harvey, did you notice
I'm dressed as Jackie O?

Very classy.

- You guys wanna come in?
- I'd love to.

Sabrina and I will put out the sodas.

Jackie, you can fill a bathtub
with CheeZ-Its.

Yes. I'm in.

ZELDA:
Come on, you three.

Even with instantaneous transport,
we're going to be late.

SALEM:
Coming. Coming.

Salem, you look adorable.

I feel like a Chippendales' cat.

- Okay, I'm ready.
- You are not going dressed like that.

- Well, then I guess I'm not going.
- Sabrina,

I know you have something
more appropriate.

What about this?

Please, I only wore this dress
to make Granny happy.

Now that she's passed away,
I'm done with it.

Oh, come on. It looks sweet on you.

That's what Granny used to say.

Let's get this show on the road.

ZELDA: You look nice, Hilda.
- Pass the potatoes.

SALEM:
Someone's in a hurry.

- Happy Halloween.
- Hold on.

What colour is my dress?

Pass the potatoes.

Hilda, you are in big trouble.

Stupid double.

Let's go.

Am I the only one
looking forward to this?

[IN UNISON]
Yes.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING]

Are we there yet?

[BELL DINGS]

Wow. No wonder my ears
popped on the way up.

Oh, the Earth looks so full tonight.

- Zelda.
- Marigold.

And Hilda.

That outfit always looks
so nice on you.

Thank-- Wait.

I see you brought your cat.
But no dates?

No, Marigold, we're still not married.

Don't, I'll cry.

Oh, and this must be Sabrina.

I heard you'd gone to live
with your aunts.

- Is it okay?
- Yes, it's fine.

We love having her with us.

Well, a niece,
it's almost like having a daughter.

My little girl, Amanda, is right here.

You get to sit with her.

Oh, goodie.
We can talk about dolls.

Zelda, Hilda, you'll sit with me.

- And, Salem, you'll be with the cat.
SALEM: Swell.

You can all take your seats.
I'm going to check on the consommé,

or as Hilda would call it, soup.

What's wrong with soup?

Don't start. Oh, look, Uncle Nuhney.
Here, Sabrina.

Uncle Nuhney?

Uncle Nuhney!

I can't believe I have to sit
at the kiddie table.

I can't believe I have to sit
at the kitty table. Wait, give me a sec.

- M'Lady's here.
- Who's that?

Marigold's pet.
She thinks her litter box doesn't stink.

And what a lush.

M'LADY:
Ooh, catnip. Don't mind if I do.

SALEM:
Okay, here we go.

Hello, Salem.

Hello, M'Lady.

Hi, Amanda.
I'm your cousin Sabrina.

You better be nice to me
or I'll put you in a jar.

Excuse me?

I put all the people
who aren't nice to me in jars.

This is Mr. Altree.

He tried to teach me math.

Can he breathe in there?

Yes, I gave him air holes.

Here's a math problem, Mr. Altree.

Five air holes minus
one air hole is how many?

No, please. I wanna live.

I wanna live.

- See, nobody likes pop quiZZes.
ALTREE: I wanna live.

- Do you wanna put someone in a jar?
- No.

My aunts taught me it's not nice
to use magic to hurt other people.

Well, my parents let me use magic
any time I want,

and I don't even have to ask.

- Brat.
- What was that?

Nothing.

Why do I have to sit by myself?

Can't I move over one seat?

No, I'm saving this for my husband.

Poor Harold's been working so much
these days,

I'm not sure he'll make it,

but someone's got
to bring home the prosciutto.

What's wrong with bacon?

- Aunt Zelda, can we go yet?
- Sabrina, we just got here.

Don't you walk away from me.
I wanna braid your hair.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Did anyone eat anything?

Deenie took a handful of pretZels.

Great. I'd better refill.

Isn't the music kind of loud, Harvey?

I don't know.
The neighbours haven't complained.

[SIRENS WAILING]

I'd better go check that out.

Hey, turn it down.

Will you leave me alone?

Would you stop smiling at me?

Oh, you are such
a goody two-shoes.

That is so true.

Well, at least you admit it.

You know, I'd like you a lot more
if you'd just make fun of people.

But I suppose
you would never do that.

Mr. Pool can be so annoying.

That's a start.

You're gonna ruin your dinner.

My parents let me eat ice cream
whenever I want.

My nanny said it would rot my teeth,
so I put her in a jar.

You know, you should find
other ways of dealing with people.

What's that supposed to mean?

Just that, you know, you don't have
to put everyone you don't like in a jar.

That's what my psychologist said.

So I put him in a jar.

- Brat.
- I heard that one.

Slow down, M'Lady.

Hey, I can handle it.

And that's Harold and me
in front of our villa.

You know, if either one of you
ever has a honeymoon,

you really must take it
in the south of France.

On second thought, don't wait.

I wouldn't want you to miss out.

Excuse me.
I am in no hurry to get married.

That's right.
Hilda is single completely by choice,

because she refuses to settle
for any of the losers she's been dating.

And, Zelda, what's your excuse?

Zelda doesn't need an excuse.

She's passionate
about her intellectual pursuits.

Her love life is all in her head.

Mommy, look what I did.

- Is that Sabrina?
- What did you do to her?

She wouldn't colour with me.

That is so cute.

Can we please go home now?
I'm really not having any fun.

I'll colour with you, Amanda.

Please let me out.

I chose Jackie because--

Well, I sort of see myself
as the first lady of Westbridge High.

- That is so true.
- Thanks.

This party is dying.
We gotta do something.

Oh, man, the onion dip is bubbling.

What this party needs
is something big, something wild.

I know.

Someone should streak.
It's fun, it's fast, it's naked.

I'd love to.

- You'd streak?
- I'd love to.

Sabrina, this is a whole new you.

Man, this party is boring.

I'd leave if it weren't mine.

Harvey, I've got it taken care of.

Sabrina's going to streak.

What? You're kidding.

Sabrina, look, I appreciate you
trying to help out my party,

but streaking is never the answer.

Don't you know you'll be teased
for the rest of high school?

That is so true.

Then why are you doing it?

Mr. Pool can be so annoying.

Don't change the subject.

Look, this isn't like you.
Why are you acting so weird?

I'd-- Mister--

I can't even talk to you.

I feel so alienated.

Salem, you're the only one
who understands me.

Yeah, but it doesn't mean I care.

Dinner's over. Can we go now?

We got you out of the jar.
Stop whining.

All right, everyone,
time to open presents.

AMANDA: Yay!
- Amanda, darling, you go first.

This better be good.

Nothing like watching Halloween
through the eyes of a spoiled child.

A solid-gold dolly.
Thank you, Mommy.

It's from Mommy and Daddy.

We got Sabrina something too.

Oh, here you go.
It's from both of us.

Happy Halloween.

Oh, nice card. Kids love those.

It's a gift certificate
to spend half an hour

with the deceased of your choice.
What's this?

You got her a reanimation?

Those are very pricey.

I want a reanimation.
I want a reanimation.

I want a reanimation!

This is the weirdest gift.
What do I do with it?

It's yours to spend as you like.

But you must use it tonight.

The gap between the living and the
dead is weakest on All Hallows Eve.

Well, then maybe
one of you should use it.

I just wanna get back to Harvey's party
and see him dressed like James Dean.

Why not meet
the real James Dean?

- I could do that?
ZELDA: Mm-hm.

How does it work?

Now, you just fill in the name
of who you wanna see,

and put it through that mail slot.

Now, how do I know
I'm gonna get the real James Dean

and not the sausage guy?

First of all,
the sausage guy is still alive.

But just in case, write,
"Star of Rebel Without a Cause."

This is so great.

Wait.

I have a better idea.

There.

- Now what?
- We leave.

This is your own personal,
private moment.

- Who'd you choose?
- Hilda.

Sabrina.

Granny?

- I've missed you so much.
- Oh, I've missed you too.

Oh, let me take a look at you.

You look so sweet in that dress.

That was a lovely gift.

Harold gave me this.

I picked it out myself.

Which reminds me,
Hilda, I got you a little something.

Zelda, you said we weren't
gonna exchange gifts this year.

I know, but I couldn't help myself.

Me neither.

Thank God you have each other.

We've been living together
way too long.

M'LADY:
Give that back.

I know when I've had enough catnip.

Oh, no, the cat's soused again.

Why does one of our relatives
always have to get drunk?

SALEM: You are not gonna believe
what M'Lady just blurted out.

- What?
SALEM: Come close.

[WHISPERS] Marigold and her
husband are getting a divorce.

I don't believe it.
Marigold is splitting up with Harold?

Oh, this is the best Halloween ever.

So I moved in
with Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda.

They do more weird things before
a.m. than most people do all day.

- They take really good care of me.
- I always liked them.

So tell me, how's school?

- Do you still like science?
- Yeah.

My teacher, Mr. Pool,
can be so annoying,

but he's actually a good guy.

Do you have a boyfriend yet?

There's a guy I like.

His name's Harvey.

But right now
we're just sort of friends.

Oh, well, he'd be a fool
if he doesn't fall for you.

You think I'm the prettiest girl
in the world.

That's because you are,
and smart too.

Thanks,

but, Granny, there's something
I wanna tell you,

only, well, it's kind of strange.

Well, Sabrina, you know
you can always tell me anything.

I'm a witch.

Well, dear, as long as you're happy.

The clock's ticking.

Why don't you go outside
and find a place to strip?

I'd love to.

You know, Sabrina, your new
do-what-I-say attitude is really great.

Pay attention, everyone.
Midnight is minutes away,

and I think you should
all pay attention to those windows.

Why, did the Kinkles
put on some cheesy ghost show?

No, but watch closely
and you might see a full moon.

SALEM: M'Lady also said Marigold
went to the south of France alone.

But we saw Harold in the pictures.

SALEM:
That was a cardboard cutout.

I'm back.

Oh, how was it?

It was an amaZing gift.

I got to see my granny again
and tell her everything's okay.

Thanks, Aunt Zelda.

Thanks, Aunt Hilda.

We're glad you liked it.

And now it's time to leave.

Amanda, darling,
when someone gives you a gift,

you're supposed to say thank you.

Fine. Thank you.

[GLASS BREAKS]

Now, that's verging on rude.

We've come to say goodbye
and to thank you.

You've made our evening
in so many ways.

We hope it wasn't too stressful,
you know, planning the party,

preparing the food, divorcing Harold.

No, it-- What?

Oh, we know all about it.
The cat blabbed.

But don't worry,
you'll love being alone.

Filling your days with romance novels,
Lean Cuisines, Internet chat rooms.

Oh, God.

I'm going to be just like you.

Oh, Hilda, we've made her cry.

Oh, how awful we must feel.
Let's go.

[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING]

You know, I really had a good time.

- Me too.
SALEM: Me three.

I told you family gatherings
were fun.

It's still better to be a divorcée
than a spinster, right?

Ah, stuff it.

Mommy, I'm hungry.
I want a hamburger.

Not now, dear. It's not a good time.

But I want it now. Now. Now. Now--

I think somebody needs a time-out.

You'll be sorry. I'm telling Daddy
where you hid the silver.

Oh, really?

Whoa. What happened
to Harvey's party?

Oh, I decided to stay in
and read some of Granny's letters.

Are you nuts? You can't leave
a double running around.

Oh, I forgot.

I gotta change.

Wait, I'm a witch.

Now, I've got your clothes.

I'll wait for you on the other side.
Count of .

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,

- five, four,
- Oops. I'm already here.

three, two, one.

- Hey, what's everyone looking at?
- Sabrina's gonna streak. There she is.

[ALL CHEERING]

I can't believe Sabrina did that.

I didn't.

- That wasn't me.
- Sabrina, you're here.

- Yeah, where else would I be?
- Libby couldn't make you streak.

But then who was that?

I don't see Libby anywhere.
I guess it must've been her.

That was Libby?

Hey, everybody,
that was Libby streaking.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Wasn't that fun?

[ALL CHEERING]

I'm glad you all enjoyed it.

How'd you get in here so quick?

What?
I've been here the whole time.

I just gave you your clothes outside.

Oh, give it up, Libby.

We all know
you're the one who streaked.

- I did not.
- Yes, you did.

We saw your butt.

That was not me.

You are all so immature.

Well, my aunts were right.
Halloween is a magical night.

I know I blew up at you before,

but do you think you could stay late
and help me clean up?

I'd love to.

I mean, I'd really enjoy that.
But first I've gotta get some fresh air.

Hey, I don't blame you.

Those expiration dates are a lot
more precise than you'd think.

Sabrina. Sabrina.

Hey, look at you.
You put your dress on backwards.

Man, I'm a mess.
Come on, let's get it together.

Great. Everything is back to normal.

That is so true.

Weird.

Hi, I'd like to take half a minute
to talk to you

about the true meaning
of Halloween.

It's not about candy and costumes.

It's about family and showing them
how much you care.

So don't buy into the hype
and commercialisation of the season.

This Halloween,
stay home with your loved ones.

Just gather round the jack-o'-lantern,
and remember,

the true meaning of Halloween
is inside you. Right, Salem?

There's a pound
of candy corn inside me.

[SALEM CHUCKLES]

Ignore him. Happy Halloween.