02x05 - Chrissy's Date

[bunniefuu]

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

Hold it, hold it! You can't use a word like that.

I'm not finished yet. L-E. "Title."

Oh, sorry.

There you go. Z-Y-X-I-K.

That's 10 points for the "Z," eight for the "X."

Wait a minute. What is a zyxik?

You really don't know what a zyxik is?

No.

It's an Abyssinian nose flute.

It makes the sound of a female rhinoceros... who's in the mood for a little loving.

But you better not blow it unless you really mean it.

I don't believe you, Jack. It's true.

Hey, I remember reading about this native guide Mboko.

He once blew the zyxik, and he didn't jump out of the way in time.

Yuck, what a mess. Broke his zyxik and everything.

Nice. No points.

Hey, I thought you two were going out.

We are. Oh, hey, Chrissy, what is a zyxik?

It's an Abyssinian nose flute. It is?

Well, that's what you just said. No points.

Hey, look, Lloyd is gonna be here in five minutes, so we don't want games all over.

What's he coming for, then? Dinner.

Oh, and then games?

Know something? You have a one-track mind.

I don't care, just so long as it takes me where I want to go.

Hey, Janet, what's this guy like?

Who, Lloyd? Oh, Lord, he's ancient. He must be at least 40.

You know, he still remembers Chubby Checker.

Some of these 40-year-old guys can still move around pretty good, you know.

I'll tell you what. I think it's getting pretty serious.

She's been going out with him for weeks now.

She must be after his Social Security checks.

Chrissy, would you like me to stay and help Lloyd up the stairs with his wheelchair?

Ha, ha, ha!

At least Lloyd's got some sophistication.

I don't suppose you know what that means.

I sure do. It means you cover your mouth with one hand... while you're picking your teeth with the other.

Lloyd's got style. He's got class.

Will you stop looking into my pots!

I don't want any criticism about my cooking.

My lips are sealed.

And so will his be when he eats that.

Get lost. You're taking a big risk, Chrissy.

I mean, you've never cooked before.

Well, he's not gonna be looking at the food with me wearing this dress.

What's this guy actually like, Chrissy? Where did you meet him?

At the supermarket. Oh, no. He picked you up?

No. You see, I dropped my liver...

A handkerchief would've been better.

And then he picked it up and he gave it back to me. Oh, that's class!

Then there was this long line at the check-out counter, and he let me in front of him.

So he could get a better look at your rump roast?

I didn't buy any. Oh, you!

[ Doorbell Rings] Oh, that's Lloyd!

Can you let him in while I fix my hair?

Lloyd's here! Oh, I'm so excited!

Hi. Come on in. Hi.

Oh, I'll take that. Thank you.

Well, you must be Janet. Yep.

Chrissy didn't tell me you were beautiful. [ Laughs ]

I like him. Oh, good evening.

Good evening. I'm Jack Tripper. Lloyd Cross.

Why? Did Mommy spank you?

Uh, won't you sit down?

You must be tired after climbing that flight of stairs.

Not really.

Well, uh, Chrissy tells me you're at technical college.

Studying dressmaking?

Cooking.

Oh, well, I knew it was something like that.

Do you remember Bill Haley and the Comets too?

What? ♪ One, two, three o'clock Four o'clock rock... ♪♪ Hi. Lloyd, this is Jack.

Lloyd, this is Janet. Jack, Janet, this is good-bye.

Oh, sure, right. Come on, Jack.

We're just now leaving. Yeah. If you need anything, I'll be right outside.

Come on, Jack!

Oh, you look beautiful!

Oh, so do you.

If we keep this up much longer, my broccoli will get soft.

Am I boring you?

I'm sorry. I'm just worried about Chrissy. She can take care of herself.

She's not by herself. She's with that Lloyd character.

Wouldn't be jealous, would you?

[ Gasps ] Jealous?

Me? Of course not. I just don't like his type.

You know, good-looking, charming, successful.

Wow! And you didn't like him?

Gee, I thought opposites attracted each other.

Come on. As long as we have to stay out of the house, we might as well have some fun.

How about a movie? That's a good idea.

There's one playing right down the street: Lust in the Dust.

Isn't that a dirty picture?

Dirty? Dirty is in the eye of the beholder. It's all in the way you look at it.

Oh, really? Then how do you look at it?

Like this. [ Slobbering ]

It's a dictatorship, Helen.

I tell you, we're living in a police state.

Well, all they're doing is putting a parking meter in front of our house.

It's gonna cost me a fortune to park outside my own front door.

Two beers, Joe. And I'll have a gin on the rocks.

I gotta run outside and put a quarter in that meter every two hours.

So why don't you give the car away? Give it away?

Are you kidding? That car is practically brand-new. It's an old lemon.

Don't knock it, Helen. I don't have to. It does that all by itself.

That car's a good buy for somebody. Ah, come on.

Who'd be dumb enough to wanna buy... Jack!

Look who's here, Helen. It's Jack.

Hi, kids. Oh, hi, Mr. Roper.

Well, gee, how nice. Oh, that's-that's nice. Thank you.

Want to buy a car?

Your car? You mean that white and red Chevy?

It's a white Chevy. The red is rust.

That car runs along very quietly.

Yes. I've seen Mrs. Roper pushing it.

It hardly uses any gas. That's 'cause I'm always pushing it.

You didn't pay for the drinks, Stanley.

Yeah, okay. Listen. Think it over.

If you wanna look at it, it's parked right outside. Don't buy it.

If it runs over a cigarette butt, the hubcaps fall off.

Gee, speaking of cars, I sure like that Maserati Lloyd drove up in.

Oh, Lloyd Cross. Yeah, I saw him getting out of it a little while ago.

Oh, do you know him?

Well, I've met him once or twice, but I know his wife.

His wife?

My! These ice cubes seem to have soaked up all my gin.

I better get a refill.

Does Chrissy know he's married?

Of course not.

I got him sold, Helen.

Lovely.

Nice, full body.

Gorgeous color.

Yes, good wine.

That too.

Tell me about yourself.

[ Chuckles ] Why?

Well, I just think that we ought to get to know each other better.

Well, I know an incredibly quick way to do that.

Uh, what are your hopes, your ambitions?

Well... I mean your other hopes and your other ambitions.

Well, if I'm gonna do all that talking, I've got to warm up my lips first.

It's all right. Hey, don't stop what you're doing on our account.

Just pretend we're not here.

What are you doing here? It is only 9:30!

Yeah, but Janet thought of a great word she can use.

Oh, I can think of a few myself.

What are you guys trying to do? Play Scrabble.

It's a crossword game, and you make words out of...

Of all of the rotten, dirty... I've gotta get going anyway.

Well, it's been half of a lovely evening.

Oh, my. Are you leaving so soon?

Awww! Awww!

I am sorry.

That's okay. I was hoping to get to bed early anyway.

We know.

How about having dinner with me tomorrow night?

I'd love to. I'll pick you up at 7:00.

No. Why don't we meet at the Regal Beagle?

I don't like the element that's been hanging around here.

Okay. I'll see you then. Good night.

Good night.

I don't wanna hear your explanations!

But it better be good, because I won't believe a word of it!

He's married, Chrissy.

Oh, I thought you were my friends, but...

He's married?

Yeah.

Well, I don't believe you.

Believe it, Chrissy.

Oh, hi. Hello, Lloyd. Sorry I'm late.

[ Groans ] Oh, I'm sorry!

Oh, that's okay. These... These things happen. [ Chuckles ]

Well, how are you? Fine.

Look, uh, Chrissy, I'm sorry about last night.

But I'm just not that crazy about Scrabble.

That's a shame.

You know, Jack came up with a very interesting word just after you left.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Oh, uh, two glasses of the burgundy and a large napkin.

Well, tonight is going to be different.

Yes. You know, maybe after dinner we could go back to your place?

Of course we could! We could?

Except that it's being redecorated.

[ Sighs ] I thought it might be.

[ Groans ]

Oh, my! Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, oh, that's okay. I was wet already.

Ah.

Well, uh, try not to spill this one on me, huh?

[ Chuckles ] What time is it?

It's a half... [ Groans ]

Uh, time for another drink. [ Chuckles ]

Uh, Chrissy, I... I don't think I mentioned it last night, but I have to go to San Francisco this weekend on a business conference.

But my secretary got the flu, see?

And, well, I really need somebody there with me to, uh, take notes and...

Purely business, of course.

Oh, that's a shame. Separate rooms, of course.

I'd be frightened to sleep all by myself.

I wouldn't think of... I beg your pardon?

Well, couldn't we have rooms next to each other, with a connecting door?

Well, just by coincidence, our rooms are right there together.

[ Chuckles ] Marvelous!

Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

Well, here's to our wonderful weekend together.

Oh, there's one little thing that might spoil it for us.

What's that, darling?

You're married, darling.

Here you go.

Are you all right?

No. I was just thinking about poor Chrissy.

You know, married men should be forced to wear a ring.

That wouldn't help. They could always take it off.

Not if it's through their nose.

Well, sink your teeth into that. It'll make you feel better.

Mmm! Delicious! What is this?

Fattening.

Hi.

You're back early.

What did Lloyd do when you told him you knew he was married?

He went home to change his pants.

Now that's class.

But first he told me something that I didn't know.

What was that? He's divorced.

Divorced? Yes, for over a year.

[ Nervous Chuckle ]

Excuse me while I go change into a clean face.

Oh, gee, Chrissy, I'm sorry. We didn't know.

Oh, that's all right. As long as everything turned out okay.

You don't mind that he was married before?

Why should I? We've got a second-hand radio, but it still makes beautiful music.

Yeah, but it takes a long time to warm up.

Well, he doesn't. Okay. Good.

Chrissy, I'm sorry. I promise I won't knock Lloyd anymore.

Good, because I'm going away with him for the weekend.

I'm gonna knock him flat on his face.

It's only for a business conference.

You believe that? Yes. He needs a secretary.

I need some fresh air.

Look, Chrissy, you know that I don't like to interfere...

Then don't. Okay.

You are too trusting, you know?

What is all this business nonsense he's giving you? You can't believe that.

It is going to be nothing but work.

Besides, even if it isn't, that's my affair.

I-I mean, I don't mean affair.

I mean, it is my problem.

I don't mean problem either. I mean that it's ju... I mean...

♪ Yum-pum-pum-pum-pum Pum-pum-pum-pum ♪

♪ Yum-pum-pum-pum-pum Pum-pum-pum-pum ♪

♪ Yum-pum-pum, yum-pum-pum Yum-pum-pum-pum... ♪♪ Helen. Helen!

Will you finish your drink? Let's go home.

What's your rush? What can we do at home we can't do here?

We could play Monopoly.

Ohhh. I consider Monopoly a very interesting game.

Yeah, I know. You brought it along on our honeymoon.

I thought it would help k*ll time.

We were on our honeymoon for two weeks, and you didn't pass "go" once.

If you wanna fight, Helen, we could fight louder at home.

Oh, I'm sorry, Stanley.

Hey, Stanley, you notice anything different about me tonight?

Not around the mouth.

Ah, come on, Stanley. Hey, come on. Look at me.

Look. I'm wearing a new dress.

Yeah. It's perfect on you.

Oh, do you really think so?

Yeah. It hides your knees.

I'll have a beer, please.

Oh, Jack, I don't wanna push you, but a lot of people are considering my car.

Including a couple of junk dealers.

Will you stop it, Helen? It's really a very good little car.

It's a cat's watering hole.

Don't pay any attention to her.

Listen. Drive the car around the block a couple of times.

I want you to see how smooth it runs.

You might have a little trouble finding the hand brake.

Why? It's in the glove compartment.

That's only to prevent it from being stolen. [ Sneers ]

Hey, why didn't you bring the girls with you?

Well, Chrissy's upset with me right now. Oh?

Actually, Mrs. Roper, it's kind of your fault. My fault?

Well, yeah. You told me Lloyd Cross was married, but you didn't tell me he got divorced.

Divorced?

All right. All right, Chrissy.

But suppose... now just suppose... that it's not all work.

I mean, what if he expects a little overtime? What'll you do then?

Janet, I will burn that bridge when I come to it.

[ Chuckles ] Why does everyone always expect the worst?

'Cause it's more fun that way.

All the time that we've been going together, Lloyd has never even laid a finger on me.

Oh, Chrissy, that doesn't mean anything. You remember Jerry Divucci.

The first time I went out with him, all he did was shake my hand.

The second time, a little peck on the cheek.

Third time, he said he wanted to get to know the real me.

I said fine, so he started to rip off my clothes.

Chrissy, about Lloyd...

One more word, and I will stick this umbrella up your pants and open it.

I was just wondering when you were leaving for the weekend.

Tomorrow morning. Good. Then you can take a ride with me in Roper's car.

Huh? I want you to tell me what you think of it.

I don't know anything about cars. I need an uninformed opinion.

Besides, if nobody's sitting next to me, the car tilts sideways.

Oh.

Why are you bringing me here?

I heard this house was for sale and thought we oughta take a look at it.

Are you crazy? Where are we gonna get money to buy a house?

Mrs. Cross? Yes.

We heard about the house. I know it's late, but...

Oh, that's all right. Come on in.

Mrs. Cross? Mrs. Lloyd Cross. That's his wife.

Did the real estate agent send you?

No, but I heard about it from Mrs. Roper.

Oh, Helen. That's nice.

Oh, please excuse the mess. I'm packing for my husband.

He's going to San Francisco on a business trip.

Ah. San Francisco.

Uh, it's quite a large place.

My husband redecorated it all by himself.

San Francisco, huh? No, the house.

Well, I-I think we've seen all we have to.

Oh, but you haven't seen the rest... the master bedroom, the children's bedroom...

You have children. Just two.

Oh, don't worry. We'll be taking them with us.

Two children?

Well, two and a quarter, really. That's why we need a bigger place.

Do you feel all right? I'm fine.

Do you want some coffee? I just made a pot.

I'm sorry I had to do it this way, Chrissy, but if I hadn't brought you, would you have believed me?

I was nearly the other woman.

[ Lloyd ] Darling, how are you coming with the packing?

Almost finished. Honey, there's a young couple here to see the house.

Oh, wonderful. I want to see who...

Uh, this is my husband Lloyd, and this is...

Uh, Jack. Oh, Jack.

And, uh... Chrissy.

Chrissy. Uh, Jack and Chrissy.

Well, uh, uh, hello there.

Your wife tells us you're going to San Francisco.

Oh. I usually go along to take notes, but this time he's got a temporary.

A temporary what?

Uh, uh... You know, you look very familiar.

Oh, you know, I have that kind of a face.

You know, it's a very, uh, ordinary face.

You've probably seen hundreds like 'em. [ Nervous Chuckling ]

Yes, it's very common.

Now, about the house. Um...

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Do you two know each other?

No. No, no, no, no, no!

You see, I thought we did, but we don't.

We better get going.

I'm sorry.

Oh, well, that's all right. I'm sure that there will be someone else along soon.

So am I. That's why I'm sorry.

[ Phone Ringing ] Oh, I'll get it, dear.

Look, Chrissy, uh, thanks a lot... for not saying anything to my wife about us.

Don't mention it. It's not her fault she's married to a rat.

Uh, one more thing.

That coffee really hits the spot, doesn't it, Lloyd?

Lloyd Cross! That's it. I have learned my lesson. I am through with men!

Oh, come on, Chrissy. You mean to tell me... that if Robert Redford came through the door, you would send him away?

Yes, I would. What?

Well, I'd have to fix my hair and makeup first, and then I'd let him in.

I'm so glad things are getting back to normal.

I just thought of something. You are very lucky.

Lucky?

If you'd have married that guy, you'd have to go through your whole life as Chrissy Cross.

You see, the bit...

[ Man ] Three's Company was videotaped... in front of a studio audience.