02x04 - Strange Bedfellows

[bunniefuu]

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

Chrissy, can you sew a button on for me, please?

Oh, I'm sorry, Jack, but I've gotta finish packing.

Sue Brigman is gonna be here any minute to pick us up.

Janet?

Oh, Jack, I'm sorry, hon, but I really don't have time.

Are you gonna leave me here unbuttoned? Oh, come on, Jack.

I gotta take care of the plants. I know you'll forget while I'm gone.

Boy, I wish you'd care for me the way you care for your plants.

Oh, I'm sorry, hon.

Is that better?

You want some help? Hold it.

After all, who's the man around here?

All it takes is a little...

All it takes is... Another man?

Uh... Chrissy, what do you have in there?

Well, just a couple of pairs of jeans and some underwear. Uh-huh.

Three pairs of panty hose, three dresses and some toilet things.

Oh. And four pairs of shoes, two blouses, a curling iron, a traveling iron, a Waterpik, a hair dryer and a nightgown.

Uh, don't you think that's a little much?

After all, you're only gonna be going overnight.

You're right. I don't need the nightgown.

Oh, Chrissy, do you honestly think you need that portable beauty parlor?

Well, Judy Hogan is gonna marry a wealthy, handsome architect.

And Judy is one of my best friends, so I figure the least I can do... is show up at her shower looking better than she does.

I'm sorry.

Listen, Chrissy, put it on the floor.

You see, Jack, the problem is you can't close the bag on the sofa.

It should be sitting on a firm surface. A firm...

You're tryin' to tell me how to pack? Yeah.

I've done more traveling. I went... Hey! It works.

You are smart, Janet. Thank you.

[ Doorbell Rings ] Of course, Jack could've taken care of it too... if we'd given him a couple of weeks.

Hi, Janet. Here's the camera. Oh, you remembered.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Look, Chrissy, it's one of those instant cameras. Oh!

Yeah, Stanley and I bought it three years ago.

We thought it'd be nice to take pictures... of all the interesting places we go to.

How does it work? I don't know. It's never been used.

Oh, I've seen one. It's simple.

You just press a button, and it goes to work right away.

Yeah.

I wish Stanley had a button like that.

Let me see that. These things are remarkable.

All you do is look through the little viewfinder, push the shutter, wait a moment, and the picture just sort of oozes out.

Why don't you guys get together, and I'll take a picture of you?

How about that? Okay? All right, here we go. Oh, good!

Uh, smile. No, uh, Janet, change places with Mrs. Roper.

Oh, sure. Yeah. Okay.

That's it. Uh, Mrs. Roper, squish down just a little bit.

Chrissy, put your arm on your hip. Not you, Janet.

I'm talkin' to Chrissy. Chrissy, take your arm off your hip.

It's a bad idea. All right. Janet, look at Chrissy.

Chrissy, look at Janet. Mrs. Roper, look at me.

No, Chrissy, turn your head a little bit more to Janet, all right?

Uh, girls, change places. Just a second.

Okay? No, no, back the way it was. Yeah, yeah.

It's a hair thing. Okay. All right, Mrs. Roper, look at me. Look at me.

Act natural. Will you just take the p...

Well, the picture should be oozing out any second.

Oh! There's no film in the camera.

In that case, it may take a little longer.

[ Horn Honking ] Oh, that's Sue.

Oh! Her present. My Lord, we almost forgot her gift.

Chrissy, I'll take your bag down for you. Okay, thanks, Jack.

It certainly makes a difference without your nightgown.

You know, all of this takes me back to the parties...

I used to go to when I was a girl.

Did you have a bridal shower, Mrs. Roper?

Oh, sure. Well, not exactly a shower.

It was more of a drizzle.

But that was Mary Milligan's fault.

Mary Milligan? Yeah, you see, Stanley was her boyfriend... until I took him away from her.

Oh. Did she make a scene?

No. As a matter of fact, all through the shower... she never stopped laughing.

Here we go, Chrissy. Mrs. Roper, we got her this terrific Crock-Pot.

Yeah, we figured the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

That's a crock, all right.

[ Panting ] Sue... Sue's waiting for you downstairs.

Okay. Well, have a good time, girls.

And, Jack, since you're gonna be on your own tonight, well, if you get lonesome, just, uh, give me a ring, huh?

Won't that wake Mr. Roper?

That's the idea.

Hey, you won't really be lonely, will you, Jack?

Lonely? Just because one is alone?

Okay, Chrissy, let's go. All alone with no one to talk to, nobody to share one's joys, one's woes?

All right, I think that's everything.

Janet, I'm not going to be lonely, so please get off the subject.

Bye-bye, Jack. Bye.

Bye, babe. Janet?

Ah, ah! No more of that "poor lonely soul" stuff.

I just want you to know that while you're gone, I will talk to your plants.

Thank you. After all, I won't have anybody else to talk to.

Let's go, Chrissy! All by myself.

[ Chrissy ] Bye, Jack! Hey, but don't worry. I'll be all right all alone... in my empty room.

♪♪ [ Disco ]

Hey, Jack, you sure know how to throw a party.

Oh, Celise, it's so nice to see you havin' fun.

In fact, it's nice to see you doin' anything.

Where do you keep your glasses?

Hey, what are you doin', waitin' on people at the Regal Beagle?

Look, this is a party. I want you to relax, and I will serve you for a change. [ Doorbell Rings ]

But I have everything I need. Oh, that's true. That's true. That's really true.

Hey, Jack, you know you're drivin' me crazy?

Sure. ♪ You are drivin' me crazy ♪ Knock it off! Hey, come on in. Have a drink.

I don't wanna come in. Anything you say.

[ Pounding On Door ]

Change your mind? Good. Come on in.

Jack, if you don't quiet down in here, you're goin' out on your ear!

Oh, that's very good. Do you write a lot of poetry? I mean it. The noise is...

What is that one? Is that a friend of yours?

Hey, Mr. Roper, he's a nice guy.

Oh, that's a nice one, all right. That's a beauty.

Listen, why don't you guys do something quiet at night?

Like, do each other's hair or something.

Mr. Roper, why don't you just join us for a drink, loosen up, have some fun?

I'm not here to have fun. I'm here because I wanna go to bed.

I'm sorry. It's not that kind of a party.

You know what I mean. If Mrs. Roper hadn't taken a sleeping pill, she'd be up here complaining too.

Hello, Mr. Roper. I do hope you can stay.

Maybe just for a minute.

Let's dance.

See how nice and quiet we are? Why don't you dance quietly?

Hi.

Hi.

Ah, Celise, you saved the whole party.

I don't know how to thank you. You don't?

[ Chuckles ] I'll think of something.

[ Grunting ]

Good Lord!

Oh, what happened? It looks like there was an earthquake.

Well, I certainly hope for Jack's sake that it was.

Oh! It looks like somebody left in a hurry.

Jack? Maybe he's asleep.

Oh, boy.

Jack?

Let's unpack.

What is it? What'd you see in there? Oh...

[ Chrissy Gasping ]

Huh! It looks like she didn't leave in such a hurry after all.

Oh, boy. This does it. I mean, this really does it!

Yeah, I never would've believed this of Jack.

Oh, Chrissy, why not? Look, it is about time you realized...

Jack is no saint.

He's got the same desires as any normal male.

What's that supposed to mean? He's an animal.

Hey, wait a minute. Janet? What?

Aren't we overreacting?

Over... You mean, this is all right with you?

Of course not. I mean, the last thing we need in here is another girl.

Right. Still...

Oh, still what? Well, he does live here.

Well, so do we.

[ Sighs ] And he does pay a third of the rent.

And that is his bedroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, Janet, I don't like this anymore than you do, but it is Jack's life, and we've got no right to interfere.

Okay, I suppose.

And, remember, what happens between two consulting adults... in the privacy of their own home...

Chrissy. That... That's "consenting" adults.

I know! But first, they have to consult.

Otherwise, they wouldn't know what they were consenting to.

You really got me there.

So, what do you say we put the whole thing out of our minds and we'll clean up the mess?

Oh, might as well. [ Groans ]

Gee whiz. Who do you think he's got in there with him?

I don't know and I don't care.

Do you suppose it's anyone we know?

[ Gasps ] Sylvia. - Who?

Sylvia. Syl... The blond... The blond with the sports car.

I saw her last week. She was driving around with her top down.

[ Gasps ] Oh!

Oh. Well, I'll bet she was.

Wait-Wait a minute. It was his party. Why are we cleaning up the mess?

Oh, you're right.

I've had enough. And I've had enough.

And I think Jack's had enough. Let's go.

[ Whispering Loudly ] All right, lover boy, rise and shine!

Get up. The party's over. What?

[ Groaning ] Where's my pillow?

It's right under your head. Where's my head?

Get up and tell your friend to get lost.

What are you... "Fwiend"? My fwiend? Wait a minute. My tongue hasn't gotten up yet.

Now, you listen to me, buster. We are giving you 60 seconds to get her out of here!

And we don't want to embarrass anyone, so we're gonna be in the kitchen.

Come on, Janet. Okay.

Sixty seconds! [ Groaning ]

[ Door Closes ]

Honey?

Sweetheart? Baby doll...

Uh-oh.

Not tonight, Helen. I got a headache.

Oh, boy.

Mr... Mr. Roper?

Mr. Roper?

Helen, you wouldn't believe what a nightmare I just had.

Mr. Roper, wake up. Come on. Wake up. Hey.

Oh, my God!

What have you done with Helen? Mr. Roper, uh...

What are you doing here? This is my bed.

Oh, my God!

How did you get me up here?

You had a lot to drink last night. You must've passed out.

I never pass out. Then what are you doin' in my bed?

I must've passed out.

Let's see. The last thing I remember, I was doin' the hustle with some...

This is awful! What?

My bein' in bed with you, and you bein' a-a-a...

Tinkerbell?

People are liable to get the wrong idea.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

Listen.

Yes?

You gotta promise me something.

Now, we'll just keep it between the two of us.

What happened here will never leave these lips.

I appreciate it.

Of course, I can't vouch for all the blabbermouths at the party last night.

What? Well, not to worry.

Most of 'em were your friends from the Regal Beagle. Oh, my God!

I gotta get out of here. Oh!

The girls. The girls went to San Diego, right?

Right, and they got back a few minutes ago.

The window. It won't open.

Why not? You still haven't fixed it.

I'm trapped?

Mr. Roper, the girls'll be in the kitchen, so you can just sneak out and they won't see you.

Oh, good. Good. Oh.

This never happened. Right?

Right. And thank you for a lovely evening.

[ Laughing ]

You got a loose floorboard here. I came up to inspect it.

That's why I'm not wearing my shoes.

See, 'cause my feet are much closer to the ground. I can test it without much...

I didn't... The reason I didn't ring your bell was because...

I knew you were in San Diego, and you wouldn't hear it down there.

[ Both Laughing ] What's so funny?

Oh, I-I... I'm sorry, Mr. Roper, but, uh, we saw you coming out of Jack's room.

Oh, that. Oh.

I got a very good explanation for that.

No, no, please. You don't have to explain to us.

But I want to. No, it's none of our business.

Anyway, we know what we saw.

It's not what you think.

[ Doorbell Rings ] Don't answer that!

Why not? It's liable to be somebody at the door.

Look, now, will you relax, Mr. Roper?

Nobody cares if you're up here.

Janet, I'm so worried. Stanley... Stanley!

Where have you been all night?

Why do you ask that, Helen?

Why do I ask that?

I just got up and found out you hadn't been in bed all night.

And you got worried. Of course I got worried.

After all, sleeping is your favorite hobby.

I... Well, see, I...

I... Well, I slept up... Up here last night.

Up here? Yeah.

Uh... Uh, on the couch. Oh.

Good morning, Mrs. Roper.

Oh, good morning, Jack. Oh, hi, Jack. How have you been?

I haven't seen you for a while.

Here's your wallet. You left it in my bed.

I thought you said you slept on the couch.

Yeah, well, I-I... Yeah, well, I...

[ Stammering ]

Come on, Chrissy. Come on. [ Stammering Continues ]

Come on! I wanna stay and hear what he's got to say.

Come on! I, uh... I think I'll help...

You better stay! You're my only witness.

Stanley, I wanna know why you lied to me just now.

All right. I'll-I'll tell you the truth.

Okay? Uh, this is it, so help me.

Jack gave a party last night, and I came up here, but not to have a good time.

I believe that.

And somebody offered me a drink, and then another, and then another.

And, well, you know that I can't take more than two drinks.

Yes, I know, Stanley.

So I must've passed out, because the next thing I remember, I woke up this morning in Jack's bed.

Oh.

I understand.

You don't believe me! Yes, I...

No, you don't! The girls don't believe me! Nobody believes me!

You're bein' ridiculous.

Well, what if... What if word of this gets out?

Hey, don't worry. I told you, I won't tell anybody.

Neither will we. Promise.

Well, what about everybody at the party?

[ Doorbell Rings ] Hey, that g*ng from the Regal Beagle... was so high last night, they won't even remember you were here.

Yeah. That's true.

Hi, Jack. Hi, Celise.

I left something here last night, and I... Ah. Say no more.

Is this yours?

You gotta be kidding.

Mr. Roper! I couldn't believe what you did last night.

I didn't do anything! What did I do?

You don't remember? The way you and Jack were carrying on?

Oh, my God.

I couldn't get over it. You really surprised everybody.

How? How? What'd he do?

I don't wanna hear it!

Is he all right? I don't think he knows what he is right now.

Well, go on. Tell us. How did he surprise everybody? Excuse me.

Well, the party was in full swing, and...

Mr. Roper?

Don't talk to me. Oh, come on. It's not as bad as you think.

How could it be worse? You could be dead. That would be better.

I'm so ashamed.

Oh, come on, now. Hey... Look, I can't even step outside my own house.

People are gonna start pointing their fingers at me and telling stories behind my back.

And my own wife... my own wife... who's always looked up to me as a man...

I don't know what to do. [ Groans ]

Mr. Roper? I'm so ashamed!

Don't say anything. There's nothing you can say that's gonna help me.

Yes, there is. I'm so ashamed.

[ Groans ]

I'm not gay.

What? I'm not gay.

It was all just a made-up story so you'd let me stay here in the apartment with the girls.

Really? It's the truth. I'm straight.

If you're straight, then I'm the king of Siam.

Would you just listen to me for a minute, please?

And you're the queen.

And just as the party started to sag, Jack and Mr. Roper surprised everybody...

Oh, I'm glad you're back. I was just about to tell them... what you two crazies did.

You see? It's starting up already. I'm ruined!

♪ I'm a little teapot short and stout ♪

♪ Here is my handle Here is my spout ♪ Never mind the singing!

Tell 'em what happened. Tell the whole world what happened.

I don't care anymore! You two were so cute.

♪ I'm a little teapot ♪ He had us all in stitches. All right, get on with it.

Get on with it. What else did I do? Nothing.

You said that was the only song you knew all the words to.

The two of you kept singing it all night long.

Oh, I'm so ashamed!

Jack, there's no reason to be ashamed.

I was cute, huh?

Adorable. I bet you didn't know how talented your husband is.

Oh, Stanley keeps his talents well hidden.

Well, you know me, Helen. I don't like to flaunt it.

You can say that again.

Oh, here it is. My earring. I knew I lost it here.

It's all your fault, you little ear nibbler you.

Well, good-bye, all.

Don't forget me the next time you throw a party.

I'll see you at the Beagle. Bye, Celise.

So the little teapot has taken up ear nibbling, huh?

Come on, Stanley.

Wait, Helen. Wait, wait. I was just thinking. So was I...

About breaking your spout.

No, wait, wait, wait. There's something I have to straighten out.

You stand right there. I want you all to hear this.

Jack. Hmm?

This stuff that you were tellin' me, about how you tricked me so you could live up here.

Oh-Oh, that? Well...

What did you tell him? Uh, that I was straight.

What? Now, if that's true... and you're livin' here with them, I gotta throw you out of here.

No, wait. Look, Stanley, I want you to...

Wait a minute! Why would he say something that wasn't true if it was true?

Huh? Huh? [ Voices Overlapping ]

I'll tell you why!

He did it for me.

He did it to get me off the hook.

He's a decent person. Thank you.

Now, I don't approve of what you stand for, but in my book you're okay.

Oh, yeah. Ooh, that's good.

Here, here. Now the other one. Only one foot to a customer.

Jack, did you ever find out who left this bra here?

No. All I remember, she dashed out the front door just at the stroke of midnight.

Really? Why? Yeah.

Beats me.

But I think I'll ride throughout the kingdom today, and the first person it fits I'll marry.

Yah!

Maybe I'll just stick around the house. Would you rub this toe?

Right here. Just rub it hard.

[ Man ] Three's Company was videotaped... in front of a studio audience.