02x03 - Janet's Promotion

[bunniefuu]

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

Hey, Stanley, you wanna hear something?

[ Snoring ]

Was that a "yes" or a "no"? [ Snoring Continues ]

That's what I thought you said.

[ Clatter ] What was that?

Oh, that's just the kids upstairs.

They got no respect for this property.

The man who built this place... had no respect for this property.

Don't knock it, Helen. This house means a lot to me.

How come you never say that about me?

You're not in a rising market.

Neither are you.

[ Clatter ] There goes that banging again.

Aw, come on. A little of that never hurt anybody.

Well, it gives me a headache.

I'm going up there. Aw, come on, Stanley.

Come on. Sit down. I wanna show you something.

In the magazine!

Look. Now, this is an article about cosmetic surgery.

Cosmetic surgery? Yeah.

You mean they have to operate to remove your makeup?

It's about face-lifting.

See? They're doing marvelous things... at this here Sunset Pines Hospital.

They remove the bags from under your eyes.

They take away the sag under your chin.

What can they do about your mouth? Seriously, Stanley.

Wouldn't you like to look younger? Me?

Look at this face.

Does this face look like it needs lifting?

With a derrick.

Well, I'm gonna keep it just the way it is, if you don't mind.

I'm sure you've heard the old saying, "You don't ever fool around with Mother Nature."

Then how did she get to be a mother?

[ Clatter ] [ Jack Yelps ]

What are those girls doing up there?

What do you mean? Jack lives up there too, you know.

That's what I said. What are those "girls" doing up there?

Hyah! Waaah! How's that?

Uh, it's not ferocious enough, Chrissy.

In karate, you have to make your opponent think you are totally without fear.

Now do it again. Let me see some anger. Okay.

Come on. Get mad. [ Growling ]

[ Yelling ] [ Squealing ] No! No!

Hyah! Waaah!

Ohhh! You scared me. I was supposed to scare you.

In the martial arts, there's got to be an element of surprise.

Okay. Surprise me, but first let me know when you're gonna do it.

Let me show you how karate can really come in handy, all right?

All right. I'll be a weak, helpless girl at a bus stop, and you be a rough drunken sailor.

Okay. You spring out of nowhere and try to attack me, all right?

Okay, but don't let me hurt you.

Here we go.

[ High-Pitched Voice ] Oh, where's that bus?

That's it. Hello, baby.

That's it. Now, force me down. Okay.

Ohhh.

You're not resisting.

I happen to be one of those girls who likes rough drunken sailors.

I'm yours. Mwah! J-Jack!

Jack! Jack, don't! Jack! [ Giggling ]

All right. Break it up, break it up, break it up.

Oh, sorry. Chrissy, let go of me. Let go, Chrissy!

Uh, Janet, it wasn't what it looked like, really.

Right. I was just showing Chrissy a foolproof defense against a sex-crazed attacker.

Oh, that's very useful, especially while we're living with one.

[ Guffaws ] No kidding. I think every girl should learn it.

Now, Janet, suppose some big guy grabs you like this? What are you gonna do?

This!

You did that all wrong, Janet. Yeah. You were supposed to yell, "Ya-hah!"

Ahhh. I'll remember that next time.

Why'd you have to tell her that? She'll k*ll me the next time.

Ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow. [ Sucking Air ]

Ooh. I may never slice carrots again.

[ Knocking ] Ohhh.

Oh, hi, Mr. Roper. Would you two mind not jumping on the ceiling?

We're not jumping on the ceiling.

We're jumping on the floor.

Well, your floor happens to be over my ceiling.

And my ceiling is over my head.

So when you are jumping on your floor, you are jumping on my head!

Sorry. We will be more careful next time.

What are you doing? I'm loosening up my wrist.

I didn't know you guys had to practice.

Uh-oh. Here comes that big bully again.

Boy! That is a bundle of overtime to take home, Janet.

Oh, yeah. Tell me about it.

When that creep manager quit the flower shop, he left everything in a real mess.

Now I gotta straighten it out.

I hope your boss appreciates what you're doing, especially when he picks the new manager.

Yeah. Oh, come on, guys. I don't stand a chance of getting that job.

Oh? Why not? Mr. Compton is a galloping male chauvinist.

Every single store in his chain has a man for a manager.

Come on, Janet. He's a businessman. Yeah.

And when he compares your ability to others, he won't care if you're male or female.

He's naturally gonna pick the best man.

Hors d'oeuvres, anyone?

I got a little cheese to tide you ladies over until dinner.

Ooh! Thank you. I'll just take a couple. Mmm!

You know, Janet, you shouldn't give up that manager's job without a fight.

You've got to think positive.

Come on, Jack. I can't buck the system. I'm surprised at you.

Where would all the great women of history be if they thought like that?

Look at Joan of Arc and what she accomplished.

And Florence Nightingale and Madam Currie.

And Lucrezia Borgia.

She poisoned people.

Yeah, but she was very good at it.

Here. Chew. Don't talk.

Now, Janet, listen to me. You've got everything it takes to make a sensational manager.

You've got knowledge, experience, aggressiveness. Your boss has gotta see that.

Jack, you don't know him like I do. You can do it! You can do it!

Yeah! You can do it! You can do it!

You can do it! You can! You can!

[ Together ] You can do it! You can do it! You can! You can!

Hicka-chicka-boom! Hicka-chick-bah! All right.

Janet, you gotta think positive. We want a touchdown!

Chrissy, she's got the point. Rah-rah-rah!

Oski-whee-whee! Oski-wah!

I don't know the rest, so ha ha ha!

Chrissy, Chrissy, chew, chew! Rah rah rah!

Shh! All right? [ Continues, Indistinct ]

[ Chuckles ] Seriously, Janet. Chrissy and I believe in you. Why can't you?

You're right. You are right.

Gee! There's no reason why I can't get that job. All right.

Oh, thank you, Jack. You're a doll. Oh, you found out, huh?

Yeah. That's enough, Jack.

I'm a doll. I need hugs. Jack, that's enou... Ohhh!

Jack.

Yeee-aaah!

See? That was real...

Hey. Hey. I don't care what you say, Mr. Penatelli.

The tulips you delivered are not the same ones I picked out at the market this morning.

These look like they just swam over from Holland.

Eh, Mr. Penatelli, I'm not gonna pay you one cent for these flowers.

Meet in the middle?

Oh. All right. All right. You take half off the bill for goodwill, and I'll take the other half off for lousy flowers. Thank you.

Janet. Yeah?

Will you look at these? Oh, Chloe, those look great.

You are really getting the hang of it. Oh, thank you.

Ahh! Just one little problem, Chloe. [ Clears Throat ]

The, uh, "Rest In Peace" goes to the cemetery... and the "Have Fun" goes to the Mexican cruise ship.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Boy! That was dumb, wasn't it?

Oh, come on, Chloe. You're doing terrific for someone who's only been here a week.

Really... yeee. [ Clears Throat ]

Just stay out of the refrigerator, Chloe.

In that outfit, you'll catch pneumonia.

Excuse me. Could I help you with something, madam?

Ohh. Don't like these, not at all.

Uh, why not? They don't look natural.

You got the other kind? The other kind?

The plastic ones. Now they look natural.

Ahhh. Well, we had a few, but they all died.

Ohhh. That's a pity.

Usually, they last forever.

Janet, baby! Oh. Hi, Mr. Compton.

How's the little girl with the big brown eyes?

My eyes are up here, Mr. Compton.

So I got bad aim.

Listen, how's the new girl I sent you? She shaping up?

She shaped up before she got here.

What's that? Uh, oh, she's great.

She's fine. I really like her. She's very conscientious.

Listen, Janet. I appreciate what you've been doing here since that jerk walked out.

Ohh. You're a champ, a real champ.

Really? Absolutely.

And I got a big surprise for you.

A surprise? Mm-hmm.

Oh, hi, Mr. Compton. Nice to see you again.

Chloe, you look "terrifico."

And I love that dress.

Oh, it isn't that much. I know. That's what I love about it.

Uh, Mr. Compton, that surprise? Hmm?

Oh, yes, uh, by the way, uh, Chloe, Janet tells me you're doing a good job here.

I'm trying, but Janet's been a big help.

Oh. She's a terrific person.

Oh, Mr. Compton, what about that surprise?

Right! Well, I decided not to hire a guy to run this place after all.

No kidding?

So, Janet... Yes, Mr. Compton?

Meet your new manager.

A little wine for the occasion.

Chateau Supermarket.

Hey. Aren't we jumping the g*n with this celebration dinner?

I mean, suppose Janet didn't get the job.

Think positive. She got the job. [ Doorbell Rings ]

Aha! There she is...

Miss Rose Petal of 1977!

You trying to be funny? I'm sorry, Mr. Roper. I thought you were Janet.

I've come to unclog you.

You're not touching me with that thing. [ Hisses ]

You-You're really a very strange person. [ Hisses ]

Here she is. Come on.

♪♪ [ Imitating Trumpet Fanfare ]

Think she got the job?

It's hard to tell.

[ Huffs ] Ooh! Are you ready for this?

That creep Compton gave the job to Chloe Stoutmeyer.

Oh, no. Who's Chloe Stoutmeyer?

She's a girl he just hired.

Oh, what's she got that you haven't got?

Arthritis?

Ohhh, you. You and your positive thinking.

Jack, I didn't need your help here. I needed it down here.

Oh, that is terrible. Yeah. What a dumb way to pick a new manager.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You probably would have done the same thing.

You men are all alike. Hey. Now, wait a minute.

It just happens, I hardly notice busts at all.

I never think about that stuff.

As far as I'm concerned, this girl who got the manager's job, this Chesty...

That's Chloe. I mean Chloe.

Oh, Janet is right. You men are all alike.

[ Mocking ] "You men are all alike."

Would you two stop exaggerating? Janet, you're making mountains out of molehills.

I wish I hadn't said that. Uh, I'll make the salad.

Oh, Janet, I am so sorry you didn't get the job. Oh, thank you, Chrissy.

You know, when I first started high school, I had absolutely no figure at all.

I kept praying I would blossom.

One day... One day, the teacher asked the class... to locate the Great American Flatlands.

Every single boy in class pointed to me.

Oh, boy! You must've died. Ohhh!

You know, it is that stupid male attitude we had to grow up with.

I know. I know. If we didn't need training bras by the time we were 10, our lives were ruined.

Why are guys so hung up on a big bosom?

It's because they're all brainwashed. Look in this magazine here.

There's not an ad in here that doesn't have cleavage. [ Huffs ]

Do you honestly need a blonde in a bikini to sell a sports car?

[ Huffs ] Or a redhead in a wet T-shirt to sell a lawn sprinkler?

Or look at this one. I mean, is it really necessary... to show a woman in her underwear?

That's an ad for underwear.

Oh.

Boy, this whole thing has given me a headache.

I think I'll go lie down for awhile. Oh, Janet...

[ Doorbell Rings ] No. Please, I really don't want to talk about it anymore.

Okay.

Oh, hi, Chrissy.

Look, I wondered if I could ask you kids to do me a favor.

Oh, sure. Come on in. Hi, Mrs. Roper.

Oh, hi, Jack. Well, look. I just... I just came up to let you know... that I might be going away for a week or so to visit relatives.

Oh, how nice. Where? Sunset Pines Hospital.

Huh? I mean San Francisco.

And, well, anyway, I just thought you might, uh, keep an eye on Stanley while I'm gone.

Why? What's he gonna do? Nothing, as usual.

You know, Chrissy, he might get lonely.

Do you know that he's never been left alone since he was a child?

He was left alone as a child?

Yes, but then the police went and found his parents and made them come back home.

[ Laughing ]

Mrs. Roper. Yes?

You said something about visiting relatives in a hospital?

Oh, oh. Yeah, uh... Oh, well. I guess I can tell you.

But I want to keep it a secret from Mr. Roper. See, I wanna surprise him.

Oh, well, I don't think that you should tell us then, either.

Tell us. Tell us.

Well, I'm thinking about having a face-lift.

A face-lift? I got the idea from this magazine here.

That's kind of a big step to take, isn't it?

Yeah, but it'll be worth it.

I'll come back looking like a new woman... and then Stanley will feel like he's cheating on me, and that always turns a man on, right?

Have you gone nuts?

Oh, Stanley.

I didn't know you were up here. Obviously.

I'm only doing it for you. I'll come back all smooth and pretty.

If I wanted somebody smooth and pretty, I would've married somebody like that.

I think he meant that as a compliment.

Look, Helen, maybe I don't say it often enough, but I love you just the way you are.

Ohhh. So don't change, huh?

[ Both Awwwing ]

Oh, Stanley.

[ Awwwing Continues ]

Come downstairs as quick as you can, huh?

If you know what I mean.

There's no hurry, Helen.

Name That Tune doesn't go on for a half an hour.

I better go see about the rest of dinner.

Oh, Mr. Roper, you made your wife real happy.

Yeah, well... You'd really be upset if she had a face-lift, wouldn't you?

Darn right. You know what those things cost?

What's going on out here?

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Roper were having an argument about her having a face-lift.

Where did she get a dumb idea like that?

In this magazine. It's all about how women can completely make themselves over.

Get a new nose, new rear end, a new bust... New bust?

Let me see that dumb magazine.

Hi. Hi.

How'd things go at work today with the new manager?

Oh, I didn't go to work today. I went to see a doctor.

What about? A bust job.

What? Bust job. Bust job.

I'm gonna fight fire with fire.

Oh, that is crazy! Oh, yeah?

Well, just look at these photos the doctor gave me.

Before and after.

Wow! What a difference!

Yeah. Yeah, see what I mean? Look.

In just a few hours, rags to riches.

This one looks like she should be flying over the Coliseum during a football game.

Is that what you want? Oh, come on, Chrissy.

If I'm gonna compete out there, I need all the help I can get.

Yeah, but if you do this, you're gonna need help just standing up in the morning.

Okay, okay. If you can't understand, let's just forget it.

Oh. All I'm saying is just think about how it might turn out.

You're right. You're right.

Maybe I should think about how it'll feel, huh? Yeah.

Hi, Chrissy. Hi.

What do you got there? You can't see them.

Why not? Well, they're the doctor's pictures.

Is he that ugly?

No. Janet got them from a plastic surgeon.

Ohh, wel... Hold it.

She's not thinking of getting one of those chest jobs, is she?

I didn't tell you that, so don't ask me.

Well, that's ridiculous. I'm not gonna let Janet do that!

Oh, no. She already did it.

Well? What do you think?

I didn't think you could get it done that fast.

You like 'em? Oh, yeah. They're tremendous.

I mean, terrific!

Good, good.

Then you can hold them while I take a shower.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Hi. I mean, "Hi."

Hi. Is Janet here? I'm Chloe Stoutmeyer.

Oh. You're Chloe. Yeah. I should have known you anywhere.

Come on in. I'm Jack.

Oh. Chrissy, this is Chloe. Chloe, this is Chrissy.

How nice. Janet, you have a visitor! It's your manager.

Chloe? Oh, well... [ Clears Throat ]

I suppose you wanna know why I wasn't at work today.

No. I came to say good-bye. I'm quitting.

You're quitting?

Would you like to sit down, Chloe?

Thank you. Sure.

I know now why I got that manager's job.

Mr. Compton invited me up to his apartment after work to go over some forms... and he started with mine.

Oh, that's Compton all right.

He didn't even ask me. I mean, when you're built like me, men just take it for granted you'll say "yes."

You know, Janet, I can't remember the last time a man looked at my eyes.

They could be hard-boiled eggs for all they'd notice.

Oh, you have lovely eyes. I'm sure lots of men notice, right, Jack?

Oh, right. I noticed your lovely eggs the minute... eyes!

I am so tired of whistles and dumb remarks.

"Hey, baby, how about coming over here and keeping the rain off of me?"

What do they say on sunny days?

Oh. I'm... I'm sorry.

Chloe, listen to me. There's nothing wrong with having a great body.

There shouldn't be, but it gets in the way sometimes.

Oh, Janet, I wish I was like you.

What?

You get respect. You get hired because you know your job.

Well, yes, but...

When you talk, men listen. They're interested in your viewpoint.

When I talk, they're only interested in the view!

See how lucky you are, Janet?

Oh, I have to go. Oh. Okay.

And will you tell Mr. Compton I don't wanna play?

Sure, Chloe. Sure.

It was nice working with you. I learned a lot.

So did I. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Well?

Well, I guess I'll just stay the way I am... small but sincere.

That's my girl.

You know, she's right. Men can be really lousy to girls built like her.

Yeah. We should learn to ignore the body.

You're right. That's right.

And you girls should learn to ignore my body.

What? What?

What? I've noticed the way you've been looking at me...

Undressing me with your eyes.

Ohhh! [ Huffs ]

I'm not gonna wear that jersey pullover anymore.

I know it clings, but I don't want to drive you mad.

Well, let's have a peek! Oh, yes. Please, Jack!

Back! Resist! Oh, please!

Waaah!

Waaah!

Waaah. Waaah!

Unh. Ohh.

Hi. Hi.

How was your first day as Compton's new acting manager?

Yea! Yea!

Long, hard and exhausting.

Didn't you like it? I loved it.

Did you find a replacement for Chloe?

Oh, sure did. Got somebody who's very bright, nice-looking and has a wonderful body.

Why'd you hire a girl like that? Who said I hired a girl?

[ Man ] Three's Company was videotaped... in front of a studio audience.