01x14 - The Prowler

[bunniefuu]

Wilma, where are you?

[Wilma] I'm here, Fred, under the bed.

Under the bed?

[Wilma] That's what I said.

Did the big bad prowler scare you?

[laughing]

[Fred mumbling in fear]

I forgot my loot.

[all] The prowler!

[theme music playing]

[horn honking]

[blows whistle]

[siren wailing]

[blows whistle]

[Fred scatting gleefully]

[water running] [Fred exclaiming and shuddering]

[Fred continues scatting]

[Fred exclaiming and shuddering]

Fred, you'd better hurry, or you'll be late for work.

[Fred] I'm hurrying. I'm hurrying.

I'll be with you as soon as I shave.

[lively instrumental music playing]

[buzzing]

[muffled buzzing]

[muffled buzzing continues]

Fred, it would be nice if you were ready just once when Barney comes to pick you up.

I'm ready. I'm ready. Where's breakfast?

It's ready. It's ready.

Three-and-a-half-hour soft-boiled dodo egg coming up.

And don't leave half of it as usual.

Just get me my toast and maybe I can leave.

[crashing]

What was that? Search me.

Sounds like it came from Barney's house.

Anything could come from Barney's house.

[crashing continues]

Step on it, Fred, we're gonna be late.

Hold it, Barney. Hold it.

What's going on at your house? Like, meaning what?

[crashing]

Like, meaning that, that's what.

[laughing]

Oh, that. That's Betty. That's Betty?

Sure, she's taking judo lessons.

Judo lessons? What for?

What's with you, Fred, don't you read the papers?

[Barney reading on-screen text]

"Citizens warned to be on lookout for phantom burglar."

So why the judo?

A woman's gotta protect herself.

What about you?

She'll protect me too.

Oh, boy.

It's getting late, fellas.

[Fred] Yeah, let's get going.

[chuckles] Wait till the fellas down at work get a load of this.

Barney's wife taking judo lessons to protect him.

[Fred guffawing]

Hey, Wilma, better hurry up. They're waiting for you.

[Wilma] Okay.

[comical instrumental music playing]

They're waiting for what?

And who's they?

They is Betty and Professor Rockimoto and they are waiting for me.

Hold it. Hold it! Hold it!

You are not taking judo lessons.

That is final, clear, and once and for all, no!

What's wrong with trying to protect myself?

What about me? Oh, I'll protect you too.

Yeah, Fred, wait till the guys at work hear about your wife taking judo lessons to protect you. [laughs]

[Fred] Out. Out! Out!

[ringing]

[Betty] ls Wilma there? Hi, Betty, I thought it'd be you.

Listen, the judo lessons are out.

No. - It's no judo lessons.

Oh. You know it's not the lessons, it's the money.

That's for sure.

Wait till he finds out I already paid for the first lesson.

Well, you might as well take it.

The professor's still here.

[greeting in Japanese]

And I don't think he's the refund type.

That for sure. Oh, that for sure.

[chuckling]

Maybe one lesson is all you need.

[instrumental music playing]

[professor muttering in Japanese, then exclaiming]

No, I guess you'll need more.

Oh. Oh, so so very very sorry.

So is she.

Save me a seat, I'll be back in a minute.

Oh, so now you are ready for lesson number one.

Uh, ready but not willing.

Ha. So... Here we go.

One thing about judo, you take a polite beating.

[professor muttering in Japanese, then exclaiming]

[Betty shrieking]

Does it hurt? Only when I'm sitting.

What hurts more is that I paid for 10 lessons.

[chuckles] That for sure.

That for very very dang sure.

[lively instrumental music playing]

Hiya, Fred. Hop in, Barney.

Sounds like you need new brakes. You can say that again.

Oh, look at the paper. Well, how about that.

How about what?

"Prowler strikes again.

Burglar proves too elusive for police."

[laughing]

You don't have to worry.

Your wife's gonna protect you with judo.

Yeah, she's doing real good too. She's taking her fifth lesson today.

Fifth lesson?

You mean you're still letting her take lessons?

And what's wrong with that?

What's wrong with it?

It's gonna cost me money, that's what's wrong with it.

Cost you money?

Indubitably.

I might go so far as to say in-double-dubitably.

If you let Betty have judo lessons, next she'll be taking up jai alai, then free-for-all wrestling, next the bongo drums.

How many times can I say no?

I'm asking you.

So it's all my fault? Certainly, it's your fault.

You start learning to say no, and we'll all be ahead.

You heard me tell Wilma, no judo lessons, that's final, clear, and once and for all, no judo lessons.

No judo lessons!

[in Japanese accent] Ah. Greetings.

[in Japanese accent] Ah. Greetings, neighbor.

Ready for honorable lesson number five?

Ready, honorable neighbor.

[both laughing]

[in normal voice] There's nothing to it. I get a stranglehold on your sleeve and I toss you onto that pile of pillows over there.

[Wilma in normal voice] You mean that itty-bitty pile of pillows way over there?

Fred isn't gonna like this. Relax, he won't care.

I'm giving you my lessons free.

I don't think I'm gonna like it either. Well, here goes.

[Betty speaking in Japanese, then grunts]

[Wilma screaming]

[crashing]

You missed.

I missed? Who threw who?

Oh, well, it doesn't make any difference.

Prowlers aren't supposed to land on pillows.

Now she tells me. Okay, now it's your turn.

You mean I throw you? Uh-huh.

[chuckles excitedly] Oh, I'm gonna like that.

[softly] Now I'm a prowler. I've picked the lock on this door.

You hear it.

Your heart's pounding with excitement.

You see the prowler's hand reaching inside.

Reaching, reaching.

Reaching.

What do you do?

I scream for Fred. Oh!

That won't do you any good.

Fred's under the bed. What else do you do?

I faint. That's what else.

No.

What else is there? No, no, no.

You grab his arm and you give him what I just gave you.

Free judo lesson number five.

What a time to start teaching anybody.

Okay, I'll pretend I'm the prowler. I'll go outside.

When I open the door, you grab my arm and you flip me across the room.

Now remember your lesson.

Okay. Okay.

I grab his arm, I apply free lesson number five.

Let me know when you're ready.

Just a minute, I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

[Fred] Hiya, Betty. Oh, hello, Fred.

Made good time tonight. Traffic was light.

By the way, Barney's starving. He is?

Well, I better head home and get his dinner.

Wilma. Fred, no! Huh?

[Wilma speaking in Japanese, then grunts]

[Fred screaming]

[crashing] [Wilma grunting]

[Fred continues screaming]

[crashing]

[soothing instrumental music playing]

You're home early, Fred.

Uh-huh!

You've been taking judo lessons!

[lawn mower wheels creaking loudly]

What did you say?

I didn't say anything. I'm thinking.

Well, it's either the lawn mower, or I can hear you thinking.

And I know what you're thinking.

And I still think it's okay for a woman to take judo lessons.

Well, I don't.

It's a waste of money, and it's a waste of time talking to you.

[creaking continues]

Well, at least I don't have to hide under the bed if the prowler shows up!

Who said I did?

Wilma told Betty.

She heard a noise and tried to get under the bed.

And she couldn't. You were there first.

All right, smart guy, let's see who gets under the bed tonight.

I'll prove to you, you're wasting your money.

Like how?

After you've gone to bed, I'll sneak in dressed like a burglar.

Then what do you think your wife will do?

She'll say, "Hello, Fred, why steal it?

Just borrow it as usual."

All right, funny man, if she doesn't scream for help and jump under the bed, I'll pay for the judo lessons. Okay? Is that a bet?

It's a bet.

I'd be less than a husband if I didn't stand behind my wife.

With her judo lessons, it's the safest place to be.

[laughs]

[slow instrumental music playing]

Good night, Fred.

[Fred snoring]

Good night, Fred.

[Fred continues snoring]

Uh-oh. Where's my ear plugs?

[comical instrumental music playing]

A real sneaky exit, if I say so myself.

[chuckling mischievously]

The masked prowler strikes again.

Now we'll see who screams and jumps under the bed.

Hey. What is this?

Two of us working the same neighborhood?

I'd better practice some prowler routines before I go in.

[clears throat] Let's see.

[in 1920s gangster voice] All right, you guys, I got you covered.

Don't move a muscle or I'll blast you, see. I'll blast you.

I don't believe it.

I must be having hallucinations.

What is this, anyway, amateur night?

[in normal voice] A couple of screwy faces ought to send her under the bed in a hurry.

Like:

[laughing menacingly]

[sputtering]

I'm gonna report that guy to the prowlers union.

Next thing you know he'll try something unethical like going in the front door.

And he is!

Barney said he'd leave the door open.

How about that. It's locked.

I'll have to try the window.

I gotta admit, he's got style.

I'd better hit that house over there before he gets to it.

[Fred softly] Barney.

Barney. Psst.

Hey, Barney.

[shushing]

Give me a hand through the window.

[softly] I don't think we ought to go through with it.

Oh, no, you don't, I'm gonna prove this judo is a waste of time and money once and for all.

Now come on, give me a hand.

Okay, Fred, you're asking for it. All right, now heave.

How do you like that.

I never get that kind of cooperation when I rob a house.

Boy, you're a big one. Shut up and heave.

Okay. Heave!

[Fred] Help! Help! Barney, get me out of here!

Just a minute, Fred, I'll have you out in a jiffy.

[Fred] Well, hurry up, I can't breathe.

I think the number five mallet will do the trick.

Uh, steady, Fred. Steady. I bat a sticky wicket.

Fore!

What a shot. A hole in one.

All right, all right. Come on, open the door.

I can't, Fred. It locked when I came out.

[Fred] Oh, boy.

Okay, now give me a boost in the window.

Gee, I don't know, Fred, you're pretty fat.

Never mind that, wise guy, make with the hands.

I tell you, you're too heavy.

Easy now. One, two, alley...

Uh-oh.

Can't you do anything right?

Why don't we do it the easy way, Fred? I'll get the ladder.

The ladder? Yeah. Yeah. The ladder. Uh...

I was just about to suggest that.

Now hold it till I get in.

Hold it steady.

I'm doing my best, Fred.

Well, that ain't enough, you've gotta hold...

[crashing]

[cheerful instrumental music playing]

She didn't wake up. I know. She sleeps like a rock.

Maybe you ought to come back tomorrow.

You're out of your mind. Now go on over there and wake her up.

She's not gonna like it. And she wakes up awfully mean and cranky.

Oh, stop yakking, a bet's a bet.

[Barney] You asked for it. Betty. Betty.

[moans softly]

Let me sleep five more minutes, Barney.

[softly] There's a prowler here to see you.

[Betty sighs]

Tell him we don't want any.

Prowler!

[laughs menacingly, then sputtering]

[dramatic instrumental music playing]

Help, Barney! Help!

See, what did I tell you, Barney?

[Betty speaking in Japanese]

[Fred yelling]

[crashing]

Help, Barney! Help!

[Fred yelling] [crashing]

Head for the hills!

I told him she wakes up awful mean and cranky.

That judo's dangerous.

[door creaking]

I hope Wilma didn't wake up.

Talk about nerve.

Tsk, tsk.

Burgle two houses in one night?

Ain't you being a little greedy, buster?

[stuttering] But it's mine.

And who saw it first?

Out!

[thudding]

It's the prowler.

I gotta help Wilma.

[comical instrumental music playing]

[prowler] I said beat it!

[Fred] I'd better call the police.

I'll use Barney's phone.

[Betty] Barney, he's back. Help!

[Betty shouting in Japanese] [Fred grunting]

[Betty shouting in Japanese] [Fred screaming]

[crashing]

Help, Barney! Call the police!

She needs the police?

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

You mean that was Fred and it wasn't the prowler at all?

Not at all, just old Fred.

Well, I'm gonna tell Wilma about her big fat practical joker before he scares her to death.

[ringing]

[prowler] Uh, hello?

[Betty] ls Wilma there? Yeah. Yeah, she's here.

It's for you.

Thanks.

Hello? - Wilma...

[screams in shock]

Gee, dames.

That's Wilma.

I'm coming, honey!

Wilma, what's wrong?

- The prowler... The prowler, he's here. The prowler?

No, it's not. It's Fred.

Fred? - Fred.

Well, he's not in bed.

Lessons two and three?

[chuckles gleefully]

Serves him right.

I'll give him lessons four and five if he tries it on me again.

If he's laid a finger on her, I'll tear him apart.

Are you okay?

[shrieks]

It is the prowler.

Luckily, I have had judo lessons.

Which my chintzy husband didn't want to pay for.

[speaking in Japanese, then grunts]

[prowler] Hey, buster, haven't we met before?

Believe it or not, he tried it again. Uh-huh.

You gave him lesson number three?

[chuckling]

Oh, boy. Poor Fred.

I wish he'd come back here again. I like the practice.

So it's you.

You don't seem to get the message.

Jump me when I'm not looking, huh?

For the last time, out! And stay out!

[crashing]

I better stay here and think things over.

Maybe Fred will change his mind now.

You mean to let you take judo lessons? Oh, I doubt it.

Well, one thing for sure:

He won't be trying that burglar bit again in a hurry.

He's had it.

Believe it or not, he just won't quit playing cops and robbers.

He's at it again.

What are you going to do? - Judo lesson five.

Give him lesson number five?

Well, he asked for it.

[inhales sharply]

[prowler] I'd better see if the coast is clear.

If Fred still wants to play prowler, I'll go along with the gag.

I might as well play it to the hilt.

[screaming]

The prowler!

The prowler!

[Wilma continues screaming]

If it is, I'd better notify his next of kin.

[Wilma speaking in Japanese, then grunts]

[crashing]

[Wilma continues speaking in Japanese] [crashing continues]

We better get over there and save Fred. Oh, no, let him have fun scaring Wilma.

[Wilma screaming]

Hey, buster, just call the cops!

Now ain't that a kick in the head.

Had enough, Freddie?

Lady, you've been taking judo lessons.

That's for sure.

Fred!

[screams]

It's the prowler!

It's all yours, bub. I'm cutting out of here.

[Barney] Fred! Hey, Fred.

Fred, what happened? Where's Wilma?

In the house.

She took one look at the prowler, screamed and ducked inside.

The prowler? [Fred] Yeah, the real thing.

Well, come on, we'd better find her. [Betty] She must be scared.

Wilma, where are you?

[Wilma] I'm here, Fred, under the bed.

Under the bed?

[Wilma] That's what I said.

You hear that, Barney? What did I tell you, huh?

See the prowler, big scream, zip and under the bed.

[Fred guffawing]

What happened, Wilma?

Did the big bad prowler scare you?

[laughing]

[Fred mumbling in fear]

Excuse me, folks. I forgot my loot.

[all] The prowler!

Boy, this is a for real nuthouse, that's for sure.

[cheerful instrumental music playing]

You're really going through with it, Fred?

I have to.

A guy's gotta learn to protect himself.

Yeah, from his wife.

Don't forget, fellas, we're six lessons ahead of you.

Ah, yes, is very good for families to taking judo lessons.

Oh, yes, is make for togetherness.

[Wilma & Betty] Ah, yes.

Fred?

Sukiyaki.

First, I are recommending 10 easy bronze medal family plan.

Very cheap. Very cheap. That's for sure.

[both] That's for sure.

Next, move into additional 20 silver medal lessons.

Special discount prices, big bargain.

Big bargain. Ah, yes.

Then, for a few more measly dollars, you are eligible for gold medal, diamond medal, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

What does, uh, [mimicking the professor] "etcetera, etcetera" mean in Japanese? "Sucker"?

[mimicking the professor] Oh, that's for sure.

[gong sounding]

Excuse please, sound like a new customer.

[instrumental music playing]

Yes, please, what can I do for you?

I wanna sign up for some private judo lessons.

A prowler's gotta learn to protect himself if he's gonna stay in business these days, right?

Oh, that's for sure. That's for sure.

By the way, how's business with you? Pretty good?

You're not just whistling Dixie.

[chuckling]

[theme music playing]

[yawns]

Wilma!

Wilma!

[banging on door]

Come on, Wilma, open this door!

Wilma!