07x06 - El Skeletorito

[bunniefuu]

[Thunder crashes]

[Laughs evilly]

[Sawing]

[Electricity crackles]

It's alive!

[Thunder crashes]

[Laughs evilly]

[Smooch!]

[Laughs evilly]

Hey!

Unh!

Hey!

Unh!

Hey!

Our game, "Candy Crush Saga,"
is so simple and addictive...

just match three items in a row!

Ha! Why hasn't anyone thought
of this before?

Yeah, I came up with it when
I was playing "Bejeweled,"

but more importantly,
who should direct

the "Candy Crash Saga" movie?

What about Zack Snyder?

[Whooshing]

Unh! Ah!

[Crashing]

Aah!

[Crash]

This ends now!

[Children screaming]

Millions are dead!

But I found three
orange candies!

Eh, too violent.

How about Tyler Perry?

Ooh, lawdy!

I just got t'ree of dem little
candies in a row,

praise be to Jesus!

Madea, three years ago,

I was sexually assaulted
at a fraternity party.

Now I'm addicted to cr*ck.

Love is more powerful than
any addiction, baby girl.

In fact, it is one.

That got really
dark and weird at the end.

Eh, they all do.

You think it's gonna be
"Big Momma's House,"

and then it turns into some
high-school girl's idea

of a "relevant" play.

Those Peter Jackson movies
make a lot of money!

♪ Pass the mints
and share the treats ♪

♪ Won't the viewers think
it's sweet? ♪

This scene has gone on
for minutes,

and I still don't know
what a hobbit is.

Run, you fools!

Eh, it doesn't matter
who directs it.

We're the biggest thing
on the internet!

It'll be a hit no matter what!

You're right!

Hey, I gotta get home soon.

"sh*t My Dad Says" is on
tonight!

Oh, no, Phil.

No. No, it isn't.

Hahaha ha-ha!

Hahaha ha-ha!

Hahahahahahaha!

[Cellphone rings]

Hello?

Oh, dad? Why are you calling?

What? When?

I ju... I just saw her!

Oh, my God.

Was the other driver drunk or...

Yeah, I'll hop on the first
plane out of here.

[Sniffles]

I love you, Dad.

[Sobbing] Wuhaha ha-ha.

Wuhaha ha-ha.

Wuhahahahahaha ha-haaaaaa.

"And the dragon and the squirrel

skipped down
Peppercorn Lane..."

Hey!
Huh? What?

I need you to understand that
once you fall asleep,

there is zero value in me
reading this book.

I sure did have a good time
tonight, Jack.

Yeah, me too.

Maybe we could... oh, no!

Tonight's the full moon?

Run, Sally!

Run away as fast as you can!

I'm a werewolf!

[Groaning]

No, Jack, I'm staying!

I love you!

Wait, what?!

I love you!

[Groaning]

Thank you?

"Thank you"?

I say "I love you,"
and you say "Thank you"?

Oh, are... we...
doing this now?

[Groans]

[Straining] I think you...
are very nice!

I just got out of a long-term
thing, so...

Look, I'm turning
into a werewolf.

You should really go...

Aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooo!

[Sighs]

Oh, God. What did I do to Sally
last night?

You made me the happiest girl
in the world!

[Both conversing in Iranian]

Oh, yeah!

Go, go, go!

[Machine g*nf*re]

Stay down! Stay down!

Get on the ground!

[Clock ticking]

And you feel the Army took
advantage of you?

Yes!
I can't control what happens

when anybody says
"Hey, Kool-aid!"

Oh, yeah!

What?

- What?
- What?

Keep rolling.

So, you see, kids,
if you share with others,

others will share with you...

Aah!

[Children scream]

[Cellphone beeps]

Siri, I'm hungry for a burrito.

[Cellphone beeps]

I'm sorry, Bane.
I don't understand you.

[Cellphone beeps]

I want you to find me
a burrito store, Siri.

[Cellphone beeps]

Your voice is barely audible,
Bane.

[Cellphone beeps]

Burritos in Bane's stomach now!

[Cellphone beeps]

Perhaps a mask was a bad
costume choice.

Aah!

We will drink here, Lawrence.

Wait. Who owns this well?

We are thirsty!

We will drink!

Who steal the water
from the sheik?

Aah!

I'll break your back!

I'll make you humble!

My name is T. E. Lawrence,

and I could use your assistance
in this w*r, sir.

Now you friends with
sheiky baby!

I'm gonna break your back!

Such bravery!

I'll make you humble!

He's quite the warrior.

Young men make w*r.

Old men make peace.

Oh! Son of a bitch!

I'll make you humble!

Okay...

[camel spits]

Ah!

I'll make you humble!

That's a little excessive.

Ah! [spits]

Sand show no respect.

Sheik put you
in the camel clutch!

Okay, this guy's crazy.

Did Lawrence and Sheiky baby
win the w*r?

I don't know.

This movie is hours and
minutes long.

A lot of stuff happened.

[Tires screech]

[Birds chirping]

[Sobbing]

Greetings, boos and ghouls!

Boys and girls! Boos and ghouls!

f*ck that was barely coherent!

Tonight we have three tales
of terror

guaranteed to chill you
to the "Groans"!

Wait, the word "Bones" was
already scary.

Why'd we... okay.
Who cares?

Let's keep this
turd train rolling.

[Thunder rumbles]

I love my new unicorn
trapper keeper!

The old gypsy said not
to open it after midnight.

Oh, well. Couldn't hurt.

[Neighs]

Hello, Tracy!

Let's be best friends forever!

Oh, my God! Yes!

I love you!

Say, who's this?

Oh, that's just my boyfriend,
Charlie.

[Nickers]
He looks fun.

Uh, yeah, I guess.

What's this? A pool party?

Count me in!

Whoa! A unicorn!

You look like you could use
some sunscreen!

Yeah, I guess I do need some.

Whoops! No hands!

Better improvise!

[Laughs]
That tickles!

[Laughs]

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Charlie...
Aaaaah!

[Muffled screaming]

Could have sworn I tied
a sock on the door, Tracy.

Oh, my god!
You're a monster!

You're a pervert! You're...

Aah!

That was a warning.

Walk away.

I'd rather ride.

[Both grunting]

Ohh! Ooh, ahh.

All you've done is
made me stronger.

Uh-oh.

You wanna get sucked?

Get sucked!

Nooooo!

[Echoing neigh]

It's finally over, baby.

Bye-bye, college fund.

College fund?

[Camera beeping]

Ew.

Oh, hello!

I was just enjoying the latest
best "heller"!

[Laughs]

This is actually Dan Brown's
"Inferno."

It's a piece of sh*t.

Our next tale is something
of an "Alle-gory"!

You might say
it's a "Meta-gore"!

Let's just roll it.

[Crickets chirping]

[Creepy voice]
Get out...

get out of the house.

Get out of the hou

Why don't you get your tongue
out of your daddy's assh*le

so I can jam your mama's
cock up there,

you jizz-gargling pile
of monkey spunk?

Nothing to say now, huh?

There's just a lot
to unpack there.

Well, wake me up when you
figure it out, sh*t stick.

[Snores]

[Yawns]

Blam!

Where's your puss-ass art
project now, f*ck nut?

It wasn't supposed to be art!

It was supposed to scare you!

God! Forget it! I'm leaving!

[Crickets chirping]

Strawberry Shortcake!

Huh? What?

Get out of the house!

[Thunder rumbles]
Aaaaah!

Hey, f*ck clown,
if you're ragging so bad,

why don't you take your mama's
tampon out

of your daddy's assh*le

and lick it clean before you
shove it up your p*ssy?

Hey, stop talking
about my dad's assh*le!

I'll leave town, okay?

Oh, FYI, that isn't blood.

That is strawberry jam, m'lady.

The insulation is leaking.

All I did was turn the painting
upside down.

Live with it.

Do you think he was right
about the insulation?

That could be berry expensive.

Hmm, let's see.

That depends on whether I give
a f*ck, sh*t tits!

Dun dun-dun-daaaa!

Bitch Pudding!

Blam!

[Crash]

I should really move.

Now that's what I call
bare-bones storytelling!

[Laughs]

It's like the writers were
"scare-ly" trying!

[Laughs]

Let's keep moving.

Honey, I'm running to the store!

You be careful out there,
George R. R. Martin.

Hey, George!

George R. R. Martin!

George!

When's the next book gonna
be finished?

Will it be finished today?

Say today!

Is Jon Snow's mom really
Melisandre?

It makes perfect sense,
if you think about it!

Hey, George!

If the land beyond the wall is
a metaphor for Canada...

...then what's New Jersey?

Are dire wolves real?

Can I have Emilia Clarke's
phone number?

Three-eyed raven!

Can I do Brienne?

Stay... stay back!

George R. R. Martin!

Oh! No! No!

Is Brienne doable?

Jon and Ygritte!

That was weird.

Anyway, tune in next
"Shriek" when we...

Oh, we're not back next
"Shriek"?

We were canceled years ago?

You mean "Fears" ago!

Oh, you're serious.

Well, f*ck me, Jerry, I...

[laughs]

[Sobbing]

Jerry, where'd you go?

Jerry, where'd you go?!

Don't leave your boy, Jerry!

I'm your boy!

Why-y-y?

I've got nowhere to go!

[Sobbing]

Stupid monkey!