07x01 - G.I. Jogurt

[bunniefuu]

[Moaning]

Silence!

You two.

You have been here for hours,

having sex with tons of ladies
in masks.

Yet it seems you do not have
permission to be here.

- [Gasping]
- Hi. Uh, I'm Seth.

Hi, I'm Matt.

Why are you here?

We heard this was the place

to get "Robot Chicken"
un-canceled.

But when we got here,
everyone was f*cking

So we were like, "oh, okay,

I guess we'll just start
f*cking these people."

We almost felt obligated
to start f*cking.

Quiet!

In addition to hosting
elaborate orgies,

we do un-cancel
television shows.

Awesome!

Can we get our show
un-canceled?

Yes... if you know
the password.

- BOTH: Fidelio.
- That is correct.

Congratulations.

"Robot Chicken" is back
on the air.

BOTH:
Thank you, sir.

Now, what is the password
to leave?

BOTH:
Fidelio?

The password to leave is
different.

Oh, right. Fidelio.

I just told you
the password to leave...

- Fidelio?
- No!

Again, I told you...

- Fidelio?
- You're missing what I...

- Fidelio?
- Please understand...

that
"fidelio" is not the password.

If you say "fidelio,"
that will be incorrect.

Do you understand this
basic concept?

- Yeah, of course.
- Sure, sure, sure.

Now, what is
the password to leave?

Fidelio?

f*ck it. k*ll them.

Just like Saigon, .

With a dash of... wait,
when were you in Saigon?

Duck!

[Grunting]

- Aw, no, he touched my d*ck.
- Your d*ck touched my hand.

I totally touched his d*ck.

- [Sighs] f*ck it.
- f*ck it.

[Slow motion]
Nooo!

Aah, didn't think that through.

[g*ns click]

[Energy charging]

[Ting!]

Please, have mercy.

Sure thing. How about we give you
to the count of...

BOTH:
Fidelio?

[Thunder crashes]

[Laughs evilly]

[Sawing]

[Electricity crackles]

It's alive!

[Thunder crashes]

[Laughs evilly]

[Smooches]

[Laughs evilly]

The half-pound Smurf burger.

Only at Gargl's Jr.

ALL:
We make holes in teeth!

We make holes in teeth!

Hey, maybe we should
communicate with the humans.

What do we get out of making all
of these cavities, anyway?

BOTH:
We make holes in teeth!

We make holes in teeth!

[Elevator bell dings]

Wait, your stinger's caught!

Our one method of self defense
is also fatal to us.

[Sobbing]
Does God hate bees?

[Choral music]

That's right.
f*ck you, bees.

f*ck me?
N-N-No. f*ck you!

[Whooshes]

[Belches]

[Slurring]
What the f*ck?

This is not my house.

It's a centaur from Narnia.

[Retches]

I'm horny.
You ?

No, sir.

[Groans]
Damn it!

[Cellphone dials]
Becky?

Hey, come over.
I want to sex someone.

[Click]
Hello?

Mermaid hoe bag!

Did you just call me "gay"?

No, I didn't say anything.

My parents' divorce
messed me up, man.

It messed my head up bad!

[Sobbing]

I want Chipotle.

[Whooshes]

Lock that sh*t.

No, bro.
No, no, come on, bro.

No, bro!

[Sobbing]
No!

The dog's arthritis gives him
constant pain.

- We'll have to put him down.
- What?

You do know that
the life span of a cat

is longer than a dog, right?

With all due respect, you really
should have seen this coming.

[Roars]

♪ Dino Riders, awesome bosses
of early Earth ♪

♪ They trained dinosaurs and
made them walking weapons ♪

♪ What's cooler that that? ♪

♪ Dino Riders, there's a blaster
on that T-Rex's head ♪

♪ That is so damn rad ♪

♪ That brontosaurus
is a troop transporter ♪

♪ Bow to the m*therf*cking
Dino Riders! ♪

♪ Oh, my god, that looks like
a work camp ♪

♪ I think the Dino Riders use
forced labor to make their stuff ♪

♪ Dear lord in heaven,
these Dino Riders

are repeatedly tasing
a man ♪

♪ That is definitely
a work camp ♪

♪ What the f*ck?

The Dino Riders just fed
that T-Rex a child ♪

Hey, at least we don't have
sex with the dinosaurs.

Speak for yourself, bro.

Jafar, why are you so evil?

Well, lago, since every other
Disney villain

got a song
to explain themselves,

I'll tell you.

♪ I... was...

...molested ♪

Cut!

- S-Snake.
- Oh, yes. That's my pet snake.

I hate snakes.
Why did it have to be snakes?

I hate sssome dude's ballsss.

Why did it have to be some
dude's ballsss?

Graduating seniors of Hogwarts,

as the sorting hat
placed you into your houses,

now the guidance counselor hat
will send you off

into the world.

All right, let's make this fast.
I'm parked in a loading zone.

[Scoffs] Who gets
a C-minus in Quidditch?

Here's what I see for you, kid.

Two years of online college,
and then

[echoing] Living at home
well into your s.

Damn, you grew up hot.
Whoa!

You know what they say...

f*ck a Hufflepuff,
marry a Gryffindor.

All right, here's the deal, hon.

[Echoing] CPK hostess/escort
on weekends.

Harry Potter?
Dude, honestly, you nailed it.

Get out of here and win at life
while you...

[echoing]
Drown in poontang.

If he's drowning in poontang

Sign me up for lifeguard duty.

If I'm going down
with the Titanic,

I'm going to die in my motorcar,

like a gentleman of
wealth and dist...

I just sat in jizz.

Chow time, boys.
Come and get it.

Hey, Cooky, where'd you get
this picante sauce?

New York City.

TOGETHER:
New York City?!

[Indistinct shouting]

[Screams]

[Hisses]

I don't know why a -year-old
would need to deep fry a turkey,

but know you know how.

BOTH:
And knowing is half the battle.

♪ G. I. Joe ♪

And the Emmy for best PSA

by a paramilitary organization
goes to...

G. I. Joe, for "Don't Be
a Turkey on Thanksgiving."

Look at them, Destro.

The Joes churn out pedestrian
advice to dead-eyed children,

and the public eats it up!

"Hey, kids, don't play with
fallen electrical lines"

reads like a dispatch
from the no-sh*t clinic.

I'll get the nerve gas.

No, you fool. We'll b*at them
at their own game.

We'll create our own PSAs!

Okay, okay, let's just throw
some ideas out there.

This is a safe, creative place.
Dr. Mindbender, go.

Well, I thought our PSA

could communicate an idea
non-verbally.

I've discovered that painting
directly on celluloid

creates a sort of "tone poem."

Holy sh*t, that's sounds terrible.
I'm sorry... safe place...

but holy sh*t, that was
f*cking dumb. Next!

Oh, I forgot you guys were
in here writing.

I was just looking for a hammer

to hang my degree in
screen writing

from Aberdeen.

Anything I can do for you
while I'm in here?

Destro?

She's actually really funny,
you guys.

Hey, you lost me at "she's."

f*ck lt. We're doing it
without a script.

Dr. Mindbender, you found
four young children for our PSAs.

Uh... yes.

That is what these kidnapped
children are for.

Okay, Storm Shadow, these two
children will be running with scissors.

Now, this upsets you, and you...
- Why?

It's dangerous to run
with scissors.

I run with katana.
Is that not dangerous?

Wow, I hadn't thought of that.

Excellent point, Storm Shadow.

Get this piece of sh*t
off my set.

[Giggles]
[Thuds] [grunts]

Well, Cobra Commander, looks
like I owe you an apology.

So, remember, only take supplies

if you'll use them
for post-office business.

Any other use is a felony.

Now I'm aware.

And awareness is the second %

of the conflict in question.

Somebody say f*cking "cut."

And I think you'll find
it's not hard to read

when you take the time to
ssssssssssssssssound it out.

[Both giggle]

Oh, yesss, I've got a sssmall
ssspeech impediment.

- [Both laugh]
- It'sss not funny!

[Both scream]

[Both grunt]

Shut... it... down.

And the Emmy for best PSA by
a paramilitary organization

goes to...

G. I. Joe, for "Don't Star
in a Cobra PSA."

- What?
- Pop the nerve gas!

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk,
Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk,
Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk,
Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.