05x13 - The Departy Monster

[bunniefuu]

[ Thunder crashing ]

[ Laughs evilly ]

[ Drilling, sawing ]

[ Electricity crackling ]

It's alive!

Mother, father,
this is my boyfriend, Mario.

[ Chimes play ]

Charmed to finally meet
your acquaintance, Mari--oh!

Did a pig [ Bleep ]
out a dead fetus in here?

[ Sniffs ] Oh-ho-ho!

I beg-a you forgiveness.

I come-a here through
the sewer line.

[ Chimes play ]

Eh?

Mario's a plumber.

So he commutes
through human waste?

And he's Italian.

Oh, okay. Say no more.

[ Chimes play ]

Did you lose
something, Mario?

Hey, hey! I-a found-a one!

[ Chuckles ]
Yes. In our sofa.

[ Ding! ]

And there it goes.

So I says,
"Aye, paisan, toilet paper

and-a paper towels--they
ain't the same thing!"

[ Sarcastically ] Mm,
another clogged toilet story.

What a delightful compliment
to our mushroom soup.

Mushrooms?! Ay-yi-yi!

[ Sneezes ]

Remind me to bring
mushrooms on our honeymoon.

I'm so sorry.
I have a few allergies.

Mama mia! Flowers!

[ Sneezes ]

Oh! My drapes!
My meat drapes!

Both equally dusty.

Ay-yi-yi!

[ Sneezes ]

[ Ding! ding! ding! ]

[ "Game over" music plays ]

I, professor
Cornelius Q. Quibblefingers,

will be the first human being
to travel back in time

and see
the magnificent dinosaurs!

[ Air hissing ]

I give you the delaptadon!

[ g*n cocks ]

Aah! I'm okay. I'm okay.

Slight miscalculation.

Science must not be stopped.

I shall attempt again.

I give you
the mighty triactador!

[ g*nsh*t ]

I, Professor
Cornelius Q. Quibblefingers,

shall persevere!

I shall achieve the impossible!

I give you the ever-rare
brontioslauradon!

[ g*nshots ]

I must not stop.

I must get to
the magnificent dinosaurs!

Eureka!

[ g*nshots ]

Oh, the irony!

[ g*nshots ]

So beautiful!

[ g*nshots ]

What a marvel of nature!

[ Crying ]

Frankie? Sweetie?

Oh, mumsy! Oh, dadums!

Oh, god.

Philip and I--we had a fight,

a terrible, terrible fight,

and he--he broke up with
[ Sobbing ] me!

Maybe if you tried dating
a girl for once.

Frank! Be nice.

Nice?

Nice is a father who wants
his son to have

the best of everything
and digs through

fresh graves for two weeks--
two weeks--to find a big,

thick, veiny penis to give him.

And then you go
and put the heart

of a little schoolgirl
in his chest.

I wanted him to have
some sensitivity,

unlike his father.

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Is there anything we can do?

Oh, mumsy!

He said he never wanted
to talk to me again!

And if you were a real man,
you would have ripped off

his lower jaw
so he couldn't talk to you,

or anyone else, ever!

Oh, dadums--

Dad! Call me dad! Or pops!

Or pa! The old man!
Anything! Frank!

But for the love of god--
Stop that, frank.

Can't you see he's in pain?

A pitchfork in the chest--
that's pain, okay?

someone lighting your nuts
on fire--that's pain!

Emotional pain.

[ Groans ]

Hi, Mr. Frankenstein.

Ugh.

Is Frankenberry home?

Philip?

Frankie, I-I'm sorry.

I didn't mean all
those things I said.

There's--there's just
been so much--

Oh, Philip. I don't care.

I don't want to lose you.

You're my yummy mummy.

[ Both crying ]

Ugh. All right. I'm going
upstairs to take a [ Bleep ]

Maybe I can mold some sort of
a real son out of that.

Excuse me, god.

Can you make something
so heavy even you
can't lift it?

I am [ Bleep ]
eating! Jesus?!

Yes?
Get this guy out of my face.

All right. Come on.

I thought you were cool, man!

I thought you were
gonna be cool!

Throw it in the fire,
Mr. Frodo.

No! The ring is mine, Sam!

My precious! Give us
back my precious!

Bleh! We found
hobbitses' finger,

but where is my precious?

It's there. It's--it's
just further back.

[ Choking ]

It's there.
Yeah, right there.

But it's stuck.

You'll have to use your tongue
and get it all wet.

You're almost there.

Just a little more.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Yes!

The Shire!

Where's precious?

Here. You've earned it.

My precious!

[ Laughs ]

Ohh?

Whoopsie.

If Hobbitses
puts my precious on,

we will have to try
and takes it again, won't we?

Mm-hmm.

I got a large double
half-caf, non-fat mocha

with soy for Kltpzysam?

That' Kltpzyxm.
Oh! No, wait!

[ Poof! ]

[ Laughs ] Better luck
next time, Mxyzptlk!

Dude, you can't be
back here.

The L.Z. may be swarming
with covenant, marines,

but you'll have the master
chief backing you up.

I'm sorry I can't show you
what I really look like.

Chief, do we have enough
a*mo for all these--

I'm gonna have to stop
you right there, soldier.

I know I look pretty generic,

but that's so you can
identify with me.

Does anyone have a question
that's not about

what I look like?

All right, then.
This is it, boys.

[ Helicopter blades whirring ]

[ g*nf*re ]

[ Coughs ] I'm dying, chief!

If you think I'll give you
a dying peek at my face,

I'm sorry. Not gonna happen.

Despite thousands of years
of people readily identifying

with distinct protagonists,

I believe showing my face
would alienate my audience.

Will you shut
the [ Bleep ] up!

Where is your g*n?!

What? What?!

I can't tell what you're
doing with your face!

It's a secret.
Well, you better

be crying
in there, dickbag,

because you were our
last line of defense.

I swear, your expression better
be one of awed epiphany

at how badly you just
[ Bleep ] up right now.

Can I use your g*n
if I find you a needler?

What the [ Bleep ]
did you just say to me?

If you want to call me
an assh*le,

you better say it to my face!

You three drowned
and melted a woman

based on the color of her skin.

In this court's eyes,
that is a hate crime.

It was doro--
Shut up, Lion!

I don't want to go down
for that bitch!

She ain't missing me
"Most of all," is she?

The court finds
you guilty of m*rder

and sentences you
to to years

in a maximum-security prison.

But that ain't fair!

Who was our lawyer?

Sorry, boys--good
at flying, bad at lawyering.

I'm gonna r*pe me
a robot tonight!

Got a new fish
for you, Simmons.

That's my bunk.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll move it down to--

That one's taken,
too, silly straw.

Oh. Okay, um, where do I--

Well, I'll rent you
that bunk up there,

but the rent ain't cheap.
That'd be just swell.

You got any jelly or some
kind of syrup or something?

Hmm? For what?

For eating my [ Bleep ] with!

You want that bunk,
you got to toss my salad, prag,

or you can let me
add some stuffing

to your muffin--either way.

[ Prisoners shouting ]

[ Crying ]

Oh, don't listen to them.

They don't have
to be so mean.

Come on, buddy.
You've got courage now.

We do a simple dime to .

I guess you're right.

Of course I'm right.

You'll see. It's gonna be fine.

"I just don't
have the heart."

[ Crying ]

[ Buzzer ]

Oh, Scarecrow,
what has happened to you?

[ Chuckles ] This place--
this place happened to me.

Is it that bad?

It ain't Kansas, sugarpop.

Oh, dear!
Is there anything I can do?

Why don't you show me
a little skin?

Put 'em on the glass.

Um, I'm sure I don't know--

Your tits! Your totos!
Put 'em on the glass!

[ Crying ]

No, I can't. I just can't.

[ Sobbing ]

Auntie Em raised
a real bitch.

Oh, no. No. No, no.

No, no, no, no.

Noooooo!

[ Sobbing ]

I swear, that's the truth--
and I ain't lion!

[ Laughs ]

[ Growls ]

[ Whip! whip! whip! ]

[ Clong! ]

Let's see what you're made of!

You like jelly?!
It's a streamer party!

[ Laughs ]

Who's tossing whose salad now?!

[ Laughs ]

[ Whack! whack! ]

Do you have any last words?

If you only had the balls.

Well, we are going
to electrocute you.

[ Chuckles ]

Light up my life!

[ Electricity crackles ]

[ Zap! ]

[ Sobbing ]

[ Squeak! Squeak!]

[ Squeaking continues ]

Ba-da-ba ba-da-bap, Superman!

Stoopid Monkey.