- What is it?
- I hope it's not a robber.
If it is, it's the loudest,
stupidest robber in the world.
Hello, it's Simon.
What are you guys doing up?
I'm looking for my red-lightning ring.
Well, don't just stand there, look.
You never wear that ring.
She's right. Haven't you outgrown
your red-lightning phenomenon?
If you haven't, outgrow it now.
It's 1:00 in the morning.
I've inherited Lucy's unlucky position
as middle child.
And now my lucky red-lightning ring
is missing,
just when I need it
to protect me against
the curse of the middle Camden kid.
Should we k*ll him now
or in the morning?
Now.
See? Unlucky. I'm unlucky.
Deciding your major?
Since it is the middle
of the second semester,
and I haven't heard you mention
anything about a major,
I was just wondering, you know,
as a parent who's sweating out
tuition payments.
Your clients are in the living room,
honey.
- Clients?
- What would you call them?
Mentally disturbed parishioners?
Church nuts?
Don't major in psychology.
- Why aren't they in my office?
- Who?
The church nuts.
Oh, because the two cutest babies
in the entire world
are in the living room, and people
are starting to line up to see them.
Ta-da.
These are the most adorable creatures
in the whole world.
I wish I could talk Ted
into having a baby.
I have nothing against babies.
Oh, really, since when?
You're just showing off
in front of the Reverend.
He hates kids.
Oh, not yours.
Not these lovely children.
Nice save.
Of course, the accent helps.
Yeah. Emily, come on.
- I think, Reverend Camden is waiting.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah, would you like to go
into the office?
Bye-bye.
Thank you for entertaining
Emily and Ted.
You're a big help to me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good.
- I want a divorce.
- Pardon?
A divorce. I want a divorce.
That's what you wanted
to come here for?
Yes. I thought you'd be upset, so
I wanted you to have some support.
Upset? You thought I'd be upset?
Maybe we should back up a little bit.
No, I'm only interested
in moving forward.
I just can't be married
for another second.
When did you start feeling this way?
Years ago.
I just couldn't bring myself to tell her.
Emily, I didn't want to hurt you.
Years?
Yes, years. And in all those years,
I have tried not to feel this way.
But I do.
Okay, okay. Maybe you two
should discuss this now.
Now that, well,
your wife knows how you feel--
No! This is my decision.
Years, you say?
Yes, Emily, I'm-- I'm sorry.
I don't know any other way to do this.
Oh, I can think of one.
I could k*ll you.
No, no. Sometimes there's more
than one solution to a problem.
- Maybe there's a way--
- No! This is the solution.
Look, I've had the papers drawn up.
Emily, you can have everything.
I just want out.
All I'm taking from this marriage
is what I brought into it.
That's my clothes and my car.
Oh, goody. At least the last 15 years
haven't been a complete waste of time.
I get the wedding china.
And whatever fine crystal
I don't smash against the wall.
Years.
Babies, babies, babies.
You'd think they never even
saw a baby before,
the way everyone goes "ooh" and "ah"
if they even poop. It's not fair.
Forget it. That's not gonna change.
What has changed is my luck,
and I've gotta change it back.
Did you answer that chain letter
or not?
One to Simon Camden.
One to Master Simon Camden.
And one to Señor Simon Camden.
That's Spanish.
You can't give me back
my own chain letter.
You're supposed to send it
to three other people.
The idea is to keep the chain going,
or bad luck will befall you.
Bad luck already befalled on me
the day the babies were born.
Ditto.
- I have to get out of the house.
- How are we gonna get out?
Maybe if we get, like,
really, really extremely helpful
- around the house.
- We already are.
That's why they won't let us out.
We've spoiled them.
Maybe if we use up all the soap
in the house,
Mom will send us out to the store
for more.
Soap is like her main ingredient,
her secret w*apon.
Yeah, soap is the ticket.
Or milk. We always need milk.
Two gallons.
Something.
There must be something.
Okay, we walk out to the car
like we're in absolute control.
We get in and drive away.
They won't even notice.
I tried that already. They noticed.
Okay, back to soap.
Did you send out copies
of my chain letter to your friends yet?
Yeah, right, and if I did,
they wouldn't be my friends
for very much longer.
- And anyway, chain letters are dumb.
- I might send out copies.
Lately, my luck's been pretty good.
I don't wanna jinx it.
It's because the cloud of doom
is hanging over my head now.
So please don't break the chain.
There's gotta be
some way out of here.
Emily, I do love you.
You love me so much that you can
independently decide to leave me?
Maybe you two could go have
a cup of coffee together.
And give Emily some time
to process what you said.
I know I'm stunned.
I've lived with him
for the past 15 years.
Pardon the cliché, but those were
the best years of my life.
Hey, they were great for me too.
All I'm saying
is I think that there might be
better years ahead for both of us.
Maybe you should have
a cup of coffee alone.
Are you insane? Because if this
is the result of a mental condition,
then perhaps I can understand it.
Otherwise, I have spent
the best years of my life
with a horse's ass!
You know, that's it!
My bags are packed. I'm moving out.
You can have it all.
You take the house.
Take the new car.
She can have everything.
Everything?
Then give me back my 15 years!
Give it to me!
Emily, would you not
take this so hard?
It's not like I'm in love
with someone else,
I'm just--
I'm not in love with us anymore.
Please. Just try to understand.
Can you understand?
Take my wife, please.
Hey, who's from out of town?
Hello? Is this thing on?
Thanks, Ruthie, I'll take over now.
Thanks. You've been a big help.
Thank you, ladies and germs.
I believe that's my car now!
- Does someone need a ride?
- No.
Well, we had a wonderful session.
My husband's leaving me.
But the good news is apparently
the best years are yet to come.
You two can come on in now.
Good luck.
Oh, sure,
now they pay attention to me.
How long would I have to sign up for
to get the money for college?
Two years will get you up to 25,
three years up to 33,
Four years will get you
up to 50 thousand.
Fifty thousand dollars?
Strong U.S. dollars.
There's a three-hour test:
math, English, mechanics, electrical.
It's called the ASVAB.
- I'm good at English.
- I'm sure you can pass it.
And after that?
After that, there's a physical,
and you meet with a counsellor.
The Army offers guaranteed training
of choice,
if there's a vacancy
in the area you wish to enter.
What area might that be?
The aviation area.
Aviation? Excellent.
We need more men in aviation.
- Want to get started?
- Why not?
I've got some time to k*ll.
So to speak.
I haven't used a teapot in years.
I usually just nuke the tea bag
right in the cup.
I'm sorry.
I find the routine comforting.
When Ted's at home,
we always have tea at 4:00.
We always have sex at 5:00,
dinner at 6:00.
Yeah. We don't usually have time
for the tea.
What happened?
I honestly don't know.
He seemed happy.
I gave him everything he wanted.
I was the one that made
the concession about not having kids,
staying at home, not going to work.
Those were all things he wanted.
Emily, I have some time now
if you'd like to talk.
Oh, no thanks.
Annie's a good listener.
Emily's making tea.
Without a microwave.
Fancy.
- Excuse me. I'll be right back.
- Oh, yeah. Okay.
Maybe you could encourage Emily
to come back into my office?
I don't wanna just send her home
without talking to her a little more.
I don't think she wants to talk to you.
She wants to talk to me.
She's resigned to going home alone.
- She'll be okay.
- I'm sorry about this.
I didn't mean to have people
hanging out at the house all day.
It's okay. I like Emily.
You don't find it awkward
that she came here for my help,
and now, well,
she's serving tea?
No.
And I'm sure what you find awkward
is that Emily came to you for help,
but now, well,
I'm the one who's helping her.
No, no, no.
I have nothing against
women helping each other.
I have nothing against
your helping Emily,
but I'm supposed to be helping
Emily and Ted,
and I'm not sure
this is a balanced approach.
It's not. But it's real English tea.
It's delicious.
I have nothing against
women helping each other.
She's all yours. I told her
I had to check on the babies.
And she made
cucumber sandwiches too.
Goodbye, baby Moses.
I'm going to send you down the river
in a basket now.
Have a nice trip.
Even though I'll never see you again.
Hello, Carol and Louise.
How are you?
We came by to see the babies.
Ruthie said she'd entertain us
until they wake up.
And she has, for the past hour.
It's only been an hour?
- We really better be going.
- But--
What about Moses?
The burning bush?
The parting sea put it out.
Are you lying to her
about the Bible?
I will, if I have to.
Oh, thank you.
Come meet the boys.
Ruthie, you wanna come tell the ladies
about your two new baby brothers?
No! I want the ladies to stay here
for the rest of the show.
We have to run, really.
We have to run.
Everything okay?
Well, yeah, I'm okay as in
I didn't get hurt.
But not okay as in no one
in this family
believes in answering chain letters.
So now my luck is doubly terrible.
- Who are you, by the way?
- Oh, I'm Emily Grant.
I go to your church.
Oh, yeah,
I thought I'd seen you around.
You here to see the babies?
Well, I was delighted to meet them,
but actually,
I was here to see your dad.
A little counselling session.
Do you believe in bad luck?
Oh, yes.
I'm a big believer in bad luck.
I'm up to my soon-to-be-divorced bum
in bad luck today.
I am too.
All I can do is wait and see
what bad thing will happen next.
So what bad things have happened
so far?
Oh, you know, running into stuff,
tripping over stuff.
Being clumsy.
Which, if you knew me,
you'd know that wasn't me.
I lost my lucky red-lightning ring.
The worst is coming, I know it.
I wish I could have seen
trouble coming.
After 15 years together,
my husband's leaving me.
- Any kids?
- No, unfortunately.
So you wanted kids? Because
I've heard there's plenty of people
who are perfectly happy
without them.
I can understand why.
I'm sorry, Emily. It seems my whole
family's in your business today.
Yes, his whole family.
His whole tea-swilling,
cucumber-sandwich-loving family.
What really makes me mad is that,
if I'd had children when I wanted to,
I'd have children now.
I'd still have a family.
By the time I'm ready
to start dating again,
it'll take me years
to find someone to marry,
and then it'll be too late.
Maybe you should just
do it on your own.
Or adopt.
One parent's better than none.
You about ready to go, Emily?
Yeah, I suppose I should
face the music sometime.
Actually it won't be music,
it'll be silence. Deafening silence.
Just remember,
it doesn't have to remain silent.
I thought I'd go over to Ted's
and talk to him.
You know,
my hunch is that living alone
may not be the ideal life after all.
Turn it down.
It's just a little too loud.
We have two new babies
with teeny, tiny ears.
Just the teeniest, tiniest, cutest ears
in the whole wide world.
Is Simon home?
Yes, he's in the back yard.
Ruthie, will you go get him?
That's okay. I can find him.
Oh, this should be good.
Yes!
Do you know what this is?
An ugly purple purse?
This is our ticket to paradise.
Emily forgot her purse.
We are out of here.
I wish I may
I wish I might
have the wish I wish tonight.
I wish my luck would change
from bad to good.
Hi, Simon.
I was hoping I'd run into you.
Well, you are at my house.
I asked my mom to take me
out of private school this year.
You know why?
I was hoping to go
to the same school as you.
That's nice.
My school doesn't have any boys.
- It's an all-girls school.
- Yeah.
All-girls schools are like that.
The thing is
we're having this spring dance,
and I have to ask someone to go.
I don't just wanna ask anybody.
I wanna ask someone special,
like you.
The thing is, since you're not
at my school or anything,
you wouldn't know this, but...
...I have a girlfriend.
Who knew? I've never seen her.
What?
She's going the wrong way.
I don't care.
It's not like she brought me a present.
Don't you remember me?
I won a car.
I got a dog.
I'm supposed to be the luckiest kid
on Earth!
Where are Mom and Dad?
- Why?
- Well, I need to talk to them.
Well, Dad's not home,
and we're talking to Mom first.
I wanna go home. Simon's being mean
to me. He made up this stupid story
just so he wouldn't have to go
to the Spring Fling.
The babies are beautiful, Annie.
Good night.
- Well, I'll speak to Simon.
- Don't bother.
Emily left her purse here, so I thought
Lucy and I could take it to her.
Did you hide her purse?
- I didn't. We swear.
- Swear.
Fine, but don't swear.
Straight there, and straight back.
- What's up?
- Nothing.
That is not a "nothing"
look on your face.
- Is Dad home?
- No.
I joined the Army.
Yeah.
Where you going?
Errand.
Forget the errands.
Meet us at LandsBurgers.
Can't.
- How gorgeous are they?
- Too gorgeous.
- Something must be wrong with them.
- Please meet us at LandsBurgers.
I only have a week to live.
Have a heart. LandsBurgers.
Be there.
Couldn't we just have a shake?
After we drop off the purse.
What kind of shake goes with
two gorgeous guys?
Go.
- Who is it?
- Eric Camden.
Oh, hey, Reverend.
Hold on a second.
Hey, come on in.
I thought for a second
maybe it was my wife.
Come on.
Hey, can I offer you a beer,
Reverend?
No thanks, I'm driving.
Oh, yeah.
Can I get you some pants?
Oh, sorry.
It's funny, I never really pictured you
as a beer drinker.
Well, take a picture of the new Ted.
No more Montrachet for me
and crustless little sandwiches.
The real Ted drinks beer.
No beer for Emily, of course,
not even a lager.
She's always so gracious
and proper and--
British?
Yeah, British.
She's so rigid and uptight,
with rules, rules, rules.
Even the rules have rules.
For example,
there is a rule:
No television after 11:30.
That means no Leno,
no Letterman,
no Nightline.
I'm a grown man. I should be able
to watch television
any darn time I want to.
But no.
And then the kitchen.
You, you, you know
that you have to rinse your plate
before you stick it in the dishwasher.
If you don't, heaven help you.
I mean she-- The woman is--
She's a little...
A little neat freak.
Oh, let's not forget the
"no smoking in the house" rule.
- You smoke?
- Well, no.
But what if I wanted to start to?
I would have to go outside. Outside!
I'm sorry, but she's just driving me
up the wall. Her and her schedules.
Every single second of our life is--
Is planned out.
There's no...
...spontaneity. No...freedom!
You know, sometimes, I think,
after 15 years,
people just get into a rut.
Between you and me?
Boring.
Okay, venting is good.
Because after the venting,
you might discover--
The new Ted.
Cheers.
New Ted, how many beers is that?
Look, Mom, try to understand--
Not a word
until your father gets home.
Oh, Matt, how could you?
I envy you girls,
being part of a big family,
all that activity in the house.
Sometimes too much activity.
And sometimes too much family.
It's better than the alternative.
But I won't keep you.
Thanks for bringing the purse.
- Call us if you need any company.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Spin around thrice
And throw the dice
With the dawn
Bad luck, begone
One. Two. Three.
If it weren't for bad luck,
you'd have no luck at all.
Sorry. It's only me.
- May I come in?
- Yeah, come in.
You didn't have any luck with Ted,
did you?
Well, let's just say
he's not himself today.
Oh, I have a feeling that he is.
I know Ted, and when he makes
his mind up about something,
that's it.
A couple of years
after we were married,
one day he just announced
there would be no children.
He never reconsidered.
He's like that.
The thing is,
I don't believe in divorce.
Neither do I.
Unfortunately Ted does.
I know,
and it seems I have no say in it.
It's funny.
He had to ask you to marry him,
but he doesn't really, legally,
have to ask you for a divorce.
It's not fair. It's just the way it is.
So you don't think
he's coming back, either, do you?
Do you want him to?
I don't know.
So, what are your names?
Oh, I'm Madeline,
and this is my friend--
Sabrina.
So how old are you guys?
Twenty-one.
- And you?
- Nineteen.
So where do you guys go to school?
Yale. We're just visiting Glen Oak.
Us too. We're in our first
and second years at Brown.
That's in France.
- Are you lying?
- Do you care?
No.
You know,
you don't just travel around the world
kicking back on foreign shores
with some floozy, don't you?
- Floozy?
- This isn't funny. It isn't funny at all.
- This is serious. Deadly serious!
- I know that. But it's one of the most
responsible things I've ever done
in my whole life.
I don't have a job.
I don't know what I wanna major in.
I live at home with my parents
and six other kids.
It's time for me to move on.
Move on?
Now, just take a minute
and let this sink in
- before you start yelling at me.
- He joined the Army.
I joined the Army.
- The United States Army?
- Yes, the United States Army.
- The one with the g*ns and the wars.
- Did they tell you
you'll have to cut your hair?
Did they tell you those are real g*ns
with real b*ll*ts,
and that you could get shipped off
to God-knows-where,
and really lose your life?
For what? Just to get your
college education paid for?
How much would he get?
Look, I'm planning on four years.
I wanna train as a pilot,
and they'll give me $50,000,
and I'll be able to get a job
after I get out.
Fifty G's and work?
b*ll*ts.
Very fast b*ll*ts coming at our son.
Okay. Sit down.
Sit down.
Matt.
This is a decision
only you can make.
But as the son of a career officer,
I have to tell you I'm not sure
you know what you're getting into.
This is an enormous commitment
for anyone,
especially for someone so--
For anyone.
And once you commit, that's it.
There's no getting out.
They've got you.
In the words of the colonel:
"Your butt belongs to the corps."
So, what do you have
against the corps?
Nothing. I have nothing
but respect and gratitude
for the thousands
of men and women
willing to devote their careers
and lives
to protecting others and ideals,
people who don't get
to spend every birthday
and anniversary and school play
with their families,
because their job is out there
making sure that I'm safe
and at home with mine.
No, this has nothing to do
with the armed services. Matt.
This is about you
and the amount of time
that you didn't think this through.
I'm a grown man.
I've already considered all the options.
I'm in.
Well.
You know they have girlfriends.
I'll bet you money.
You don't have any money.
You wanna play fire drill?
Come on.
Look out!
Come on, Luce.
You're awake, aren't you?
No, I'm not awake.
I don't wanna wake up.
You have to.
We have to talk to Mom and Dad
about this,
and the sooner the better.
They didn't say anything last night.
It was so spooky.
I've never seen them like that.
They were either too scared
or too angry to say anything,
but I'm betting on angry.
I'm just thankful
Ted only broke a couple of bones.
Are you two okay?
Are you okay?
It must've been terrifying.
I'm okay.
Me too.
Ted was drunk.
He doesn't usually drink,
but he had a few too many
and went out to pick up a few more,
and that's when he ran into you.
So you just saw him coming
and jumped out of the car?
Yeah.
Kind of.
How is the station wagon?
It's pretty close to totalled.
Thank God you're alive. Through
some miracle of God, you're alive.
Maybe you do have
Simon's luck now.
It's ok.
It's over.
I know how glad you guys are
that we're alive,
but we're not alive
because of some big miracle.
We're alive because we're bad.
We were playing fire drill,
and that's why
we were out of the car.
Fire drill?
Where you jump out of the car
and run around and get in?
Where did you get the idea
to play fire drill?
From some guys we let sit
in the car with us at the drive-in.
Actually we were already
out of the car
when we saw him coming.
- So that's it?
- That's it, son.
Okay. The sound of the doorbell
usually signals more gawkers.
I just powdered you, diapered you,
and put brand new pants on you,
so please,
try to keep up those nice smells
for just a half an hour more.
Deal?
Oh, and I thought
my luck had changed.
Who is it?
It's Emily and Ted.
Can we come in, please, Ruthie?
I'm not sure. I'll go ask somebody.
Emily, Ted, come in.
Ruthie, go get your sisters
and your mom.
How's your arm, Ted?
Oh, broken.
And you,
how are you doing this morning?
Well, I'd have to say
that after getting advice
from every member of your family
yesterday, better.
I'm sure you're anxious to get back
to the office at the church,
but I like it here.
Mary, Lucy.
I owe you an apology.
I never imagined myself capable
of the kind of screwup
that I made last night.
I just thank God
that both of you are okay.
I'm really very, very sorry.
My licence has been suspended,
and I have to attend
alcohol abuse meetings
and do some community service.
Still, in light of what I did,
it doesn't seem like very much.
No, it doesn't.
Still,
I hope you can accept my apology.
- Sure.
- Sure.
No. I don't think so.
I find it reprehensible
that you waited until your wife
spent 15 years taking care of you,
before you just up and decided
that you never really
wanted to be married.
I find it even more
reprehensible
that on your first night
out of the house,
you decided to get drunk
and then get behind the wheel,
so that you could no doubt go get more
beer so that you could get more drunk.
You could've k*lled my daughters.
You could've k*lled someone else.
You could've k*lled yourself.
How stupid do you have to be?
How selfish do you have to be
to drink and drive?
I don't have to lead someone
around to the truth. I am a mother.
I can shove it right in their face.
Thank you.
That's not normally how I work,
but at the right time and place,
shoving the truth in someone's face
- can be the best thing to do.
- Yes, it is.
Feel like trying it out with the kids?
I'll be right back.
Emily, come sit beside me.
No, thank you. I'll stand.
I'm sorry about what happened.
Do you mean sorry for suddenly,
without warning,
filing for divorce,
or sorry for almost k*lling the girls?
Both.
So thanks for picking me up
at the hospital. I...
I guess I'll be coming home
with you?
At least until the bandages come off.
Until the bandages come off?
No, Ted, I don't think so.
Home is where the heart is,
and you don't have a heart.
And you have broken mine.
You still want a divorce,
and that's your decision.
I'm not taking care of you
until you can walk out the door again,
and that is my decision.
Ruthie Camden.
You shouldn't play with fire, ever.
Even if it is to get our attention.
And you wanna have children.
I'll call a cab.
I've just realised, I haven't gotten
around to buying anything
for the twins yet, but they seem
to have so much already.
Is there anything you want?
Well, I'd love it
if you didn't mention the sparklers
to the Reverend and his wife.
Okay.
Why don't you mention it to them?
You'd make a great mom.
Well, you know,
if you decide you want to.
But if you're not sure,
take the twins, please.
Funny. Henny Youngman.
Who?
I'm sure you're sick of being
in the house all the time--
And we totally understand you
probably want a little more freedom.
Well, I've got news for you.
You can't always have
what you want when you want it.
I want it my way
and I want it right now
is an effective survival skill
for newborns,
but for the rest of us,
it can be downright dangerous.
For example, last night
you almost got yourselves k*lled.
Okay.
So how do we get what we want?
The old-fashioned way. Earn it.
You want more freedom,
you take on more responsibility.
Maybe if his car just grazed us.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
I had to get rid of those chain letters.
Mom said they're illegal.
I have enough trouble without you
getting me in trouble with the law,
- Señor Camden.
- I didn't know.
Oh, well, I'll just tell that to the judge.
Give me a break.
I found out before anything happened.
Yeah, but only because you're lucky.
- Yeah, maybe I am.
- "Maybe I am" what?
Simon, once and for all,
rings, chain letters,
position in the family hierarchy
has nothing to do with luck,
good or bad. That's it.
And you can't make what you want
happen when you want it to
with spells and garlic
because it doesn't work that way.
End of story.
Do I smell smoke?
I'll never do it again.
You are not joining the Army.
You didn't take the time
to explore or discuss
any other options.
You just wanted what you wanted
when you wanted it,
and you made a commitment that we
don't think you're ready to make.
It's not gonna happen. And
I don't care what you or we have to do
to stop the whole process.
You are not joining the Army.
Okay.
Sometimes it's just a matter
of laying down the law.
Yeah.
That was way too easy, wasn't it?
Way.
Can you believe that?
I almost b*rned the house down,
and I didn't get in any trouble.
Yeah, and I sent papers flying
around the kitchen,
and nobody even noticed.
Lucky for us
Matt came through the door.
Yep, we're pretty lucky.
I got my luck back.
So I guess you won't be needing
your red-lightning ring anymore.
You know,
I guess I don't.
My luck just keeps getting better
and better.
Enter!
We'd like to know why exactly
you won't be joining the Army.
I failed the test, sir!
Evidently I don't have
the mechanical aptitude
to be a helicopter pilot.
Do you know what I want,
and I want it right now?
I want the seven of them
to behave themselves just for one day.
Good luck with that.
03x17 - Sometimes That's Just the Way It Is
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Eric Camden is a reverend, husband and the father of numerous children who faces everyday challenges of raising a family during permissive times.
Eric Camden is a reverend, husband and the father of numerous children who faces everyday challenges of raising a family during permissive times.