01x07 - Hold the Salt

[bunniefuu]

BECKY: Hey, you're all dressed up.

You going to court?

Unlike you, people get dressed up

for other reasons than trying
to beat a shoplifting charge.

The saleswoman said I could
walk around in the shoes.

I wanted to see how they
felt on the sidewalk.

You're a criminal.

I'm just trying to look
nice for work. That's all.

That is so cute!

You're trying to be a girl!

This is obviously about her new boss.

- [GASPS] You have a crush on your boss?
- Ooh!

No, I'm just trying
to be a professional.

God, all I did was put
on a little makeup.

I heard the blow dryer.

I was blowing dust out
of the smoke alarms.

Nice try. They're all here!

♪

Do you ever worry that
some of the people

in these mug sh*ts might be innocent.

Eh, people can think whatever they want.

We're just reporting,
not passing judgment.

Uh, the paper's called Lock 'Em Up.

It's kind of judge-y.

[LAUGHS]

Ooh.

This one's kind of hot.

Let's put her on the front page.

Oh, so that's what you're attracted to?

Blondes with most of their teeth?

I think you know exactly
the kind of woman

I'm attracted to.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What are we doing?

I work for you.

I mean, this would be
complicated as hell.

Yeah, you're right.
And as your employer,

I cannot have you feel uncomfortable

or pressured in any way.

So... you're gonna have
to make a move on me.

Do I look like a woman with moves?

Just do what you feel is right.

I am going to pretend to work

and, uh, hope for the best.

You've got a Fuji apple
sticker on your ass.

I believe it's Golden Delicious.

Can we just go back to work?

This is getting too awkward.

Yes, I agree.

Um, can I borrow your stapler?

Yes, sure.

♪

♪

♪

♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

I'm done with my list!

We made our Christmas lists
for you, Grandpa Dan.

They're just suggestions.

Don't get your hopes up.

You're getting underwear
and a popcorn tin

from the drug store.

So, we're not getting anything we want?

You really break my heart
when you put it like that.

But no.

But I really want a Plushy Pet backpack.

It talks to you.

But Mark talks to you.

You don't want him to feel like
he's being replaced, do you?

You know what won't make him feel bad?

Crayons.

Hi, guys.

Grandpa wants to give me
crayons for Christmas.

Well, we'll call Child Services
and let them sort it out.

You know, Mary, most people
refer to them as Crayolas,

but that's really a brand name,

like Kleenex or cellophane.

Crayola comes from the French
word "craie," meaning "chalk,"

and "oleaginous," meaning "oily."

Can we go to school now?

I see I've awakened the
educational curiosity in you.

Oh, for God's sake, let 'em go.

I'll help you pack 'em up, Deej.

Dan, Peter wants to talk to you.

He has a bike that needs restoring.

Well, you've come to the right place.

We do the same quality
work as the big guys,

but cut a lot of corners and
pass the savings on to me.

This isn't a bike.

This is what you feed to other bikes.

It's a classic Vespa.

Did you ever see "Roman Holiday"

with Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck?

It's on my "After I Die" bucket list.

I'm sorry. I don't fix foreign bikes.

Ah, come on.

I saw a bike like this in that movie,

and I fell in love with it.

The whole experience just made
me want to move to Italy.

Well, you know, it's still there.

So, Dan?

What do you think of the Vespa?

Well, like I told Audrey Hepburn here,

I don't fix foreign bikes.

Peter, could you get the
kids' Christmas presents

- out of the trunk?
- I'll take Audrey or Katharine.

You can't hurt me by
comparing me to a Hepburn.

Come on.

Dan, I bought it for Peter for Christmas

because I knew you could restore it.

You bought this for him?

That's got to be at least three grand.

You don't have that kind of money.

I know it's a lot, but
we're both gonna enjoy it.

Me sitting behind him,

my cheek pressed against his back

as we glide past the Trevi fountain.

That's Rome. This is Lanford.

We don't have fountains.

We have a pipe that spills
sewage into the river.

You're doing it for me, not for him.

Definitely not doing it for him.

You sure you're gonna be
riding on this thing?

- Of course I am.
- Okay, then.

I'll make sure the brakes work, too.

♪

So, how was work with hunky boss man?

Um, we, you know, got along fine.

Fine?

That's your version of being overjoyed.

You had sex with him.

All I did was borrow his stapler,

and then thank him.

Twice on his desk.

And how was it?

Well, if you got to know, um...

the sex was incredible.

So you've only had sex with two guys,

so you don't know good from bad.

Let's just say it was average.

Well, Ben must've liked it.

He asked me over to his
apartment for dinner,

and I can't wait to go.

Oh, so it's gonna be a relationship.

I smell disaster.

Look, I know you're thinking that

because I'm so spun out over Mom

and divorcing David and money problems.

You think I'm moving
faster than I should

because I'm just looking
for a quick emotional fix.

No, this isn't about you being
an emotional train wreck.

That's too obvious.

This is about your uncanny ability

to pick the wrong guy for you.

It's nice to be able to
share this with you.

And you're completely wrong.

Ben is finally the right guy.

He's strong and confident,
and he knows what he wants.

That's even worse.

That's like two stubborn trains
heading towards each other

on the same track.

[IMITATES CRASH]

You think I'm locked
into this little prison

that I made for myself dating meek guys

that I can push around, and

it's not true... I've changed.

Really?

We shared a room for years.

When you accused me of
having my Marky Mark poster

on your side of the room, instead
of asking me to move it,

you cut out Marky's eyes.

I've just never seen you
this excited about a guy.

I don't want you to fool yourself

into thinking it's gonna be
all unicorns and rainbows.

Be prepared for a rainstorm
and a horse head in the bed.

Wow, most pregnant women are positive.

That's gonna be one bitter little baby

when it finally makes a break for it.

♪

Hey, Dan.

Jackie said I could find you here.

Yeah, I like it here.

The food's bad, and
that keeps people away

so I can drink in peace.

I just wanted to pay you for the parts

so that you could get started.

Are you okay with a check?

Sure. If it bounces,

you're not gonna outrun me
on Barbie's Dream Scooter.

Oh, you and Jackie have
an account together.

When did this happen?

Last week.

We put my name on her account

so that we could save money on fees

by commingling our finances.

No biggie.

Commingling means two
people mingling money.

Do you have anything to mingle?

Not at the moment.

I thought the master's
in Medieval Culture

would've appealed to a
wider array of employers.

But now I'm on the right track

with Nordic history, music, and dance.

Look, Jackie's a good person,

and she's been single a long time,

so her guard may not be up right now,

but mine is.

You're taking advantage
of my sister-in-law.

No, I'm not.

I'm gonna pay her back every penny,

including tuition.

She's paying your tuition?

That's between me and Jackie.

Just fix the bike.

That's supposedly what you're good at.

Excuse me?

[SIGHS]

Don't start a w*r of wits with me, Dan.

You're unarmed.

Touché. And since I am without wit,

I'll take you out back

and rub your face against the bricks.

Mm, of course.

The uneducated man resorts to v*olence.

So predictable.

Excuse me. Hold on.

Don't leave without your check.

Ow.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey.

Right on time.

You look beautiful.

I already slept with you,
so let's just be cool.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, oh. I'm so sorry,

but would you mind just
taking off your shoes?

I, uh... I read this scientific thing

about what you bring into your house

on the bottom of your shoes,

and it kind of freaked me out.

Oh, yeah, did you not
know the ground was dirty

before reading that?

[LAUGHS]

But, um, still just rather
not take my shoes off,

makes me feel shorter.

I'd rather you would.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, let's just...

So, I am making vegan paella, huh?

So if you would like to
open up a bottle of wine,

anything red on the bottom
row should be fine.

Oh, this white looks pretty good.

Oh, uh, actually, red
usually stands up better

to a tomato-sauce base.

Any bottle on the bottom row there.

You know, the red.

Uh, if you hate it, then
we can open up a white.

Yeah, I just tried it in
my mind, and I hated it.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, try it in a glass.

You might like it.

Uh, how about I just
help you with the food?

Sure, that would be great.

You can stir the paella.

Hey, I'm glad you're here.

Me, too.

Huh?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

It's better to add salt at the table.

Well, let me just add a little,

and you'll see that you like it.

I tried it in my mind, and I hated it.

You can't just grab something out
of my hand like I'm a child.

I'm sorry.

May I have the salt?

- No.
- Please let go.

- No, you let go.
- It's my salt.

I'll buy you a new one.

I asked you to stir, not season.

I thought you're glad I'm here.

I am. I'm just not
glad you're seasoning.

Why are you fighting with me?

I...

Man, I spent hours
getting everything ready

to show you a nice evening.

Why can't you just
relax, enjoy yourself?

Why can't you just let me enjoy myself

the way I want to enjoy myself?

Because the only way that
you can enjoy yourself

is by making me not enjoy myself.

Oh, well, I'm sorry I'm
ruining your evening.

I'm getting my shoes.

You can't wear them in here.

I know.

Well, where are you going?

Home, to cook in my shoes
and salt everything.

- Hi, there.
- Oh, hi.

What are you doing here?

I-I'm sorry. That sounded rude.

Uh, what are you doing
here instead of David,

who I wish was here instead of you?

Well, he couldn't come,

so I'll be going over the kids'
Christmas lists with you.

I'll just wait for you at that table.

Just throw something in a cup.

I got to get out of here.

The real reason I'm here

is I'm having some problems with David.

Mm.

Well, look, I really don't
want to get involved,

and I got to go back to the counter

so someone doesn't grab my c...

Oh.

Thank you for doing something
you guys rarely do

at the worst possible time.

Okay, so, the problem with David

is he's afraid to make decisions.

It doesn't matter if
it's choosing a doctor

or potato chips.

How did you deal with that?

I can't help you. I found the fact

that he was born without a backbone

one of his best features.

[SCOFFS]

I guess I'm just gonna have to
get him to see a therapist.

Just don't over-fix him.

There are guys that want
to make all the decisions,

and that's way more annoying.

You seem super tense.

Uh, what ya doing there?

I used to be a massage therapist.

Are you dating a guy who's bossy?

Uh, I-I really don't want to
talk about this with you.

Sometimes saying it out
loud really helps.

Just pretend like I'm not even here.

Oh, I like that.

Um...

All right, uh, I started dating my boss.

He's really controlling, and, you know,

I don't think it's gonna work out.

Well, one thing I learned
in a previous job,

before massage therapy,

is that people who have a
lot of responsibilities,

secretly, they want to give
up control to someone else.

Nobody I know.

Oh, believe me.

Once they were strapped
in and had the mask on

and gave up total control to me,

they... they seemed pretty happy.

[LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

Um, unless you were an anesthesiologist,

I think you're telling me
you were a dominatrix.

It was a long time ago,

and I was the opposite
of an anesthesiologist.

I, you know, brought a lot of pain.

And the one thing I learned

is that giving up control
can make people happier.

Yeah, not this guy.

He wouldn't even give up the salt.

I'm talking about you.

Give him a chance to lead.

You might like it.

Well, thanks for the advice.

Oh, and by the way,

now that I know you're a dominatrix,

you and David make way more sense.

I'm here to write you a
check for the Vespa parts.

Heard you had a nice chat with Peter.

We had a chat.

What'd you talk about?

Oh, we touched on a lot of things.

We had a wide-ranging discussion
about a variety of topics.

Did you thr*aten to loofah
his face with a brick wall?

We may have covered that.

And did you talk about how you think

he's taking advantage of me

and how I'm a stupid old woman?

No.

Have you noticed that I'm talking

increasingly louder and louder?

I... I had begun to notice that, yes.

How dare you talk to my boyfriend

about things that are
private between him and me?

You're in denial about this guy.

All you do is give, and
all he does is take.

You're totally wrong.

He treats me well, Dan.

It's an equal relationship,
and he gives me so much.

We have fun together.

We talk. We... We... We discuss books.

He brings me pancakes in bed.

I don't think you understand
how much pancakes cost.

You asked me to be a sounding board

like Rosie used to be.

I'm just doing what she would've done.

Roseanne would've come to me first

and tried to break down my self-esteem

until I broke up with him,

and you did not show
me the same respect.

Look, I'm keeping my eye on this guy.

I don't want to see you get hurt.

Well, thank you for caring.

I'm a grown woman. I can handle myself.

- Do we understand each other?
- We do.

And we both know that
we love each other.

- We do.
- And if you ever do

something like this again,

I will move in here, and so help me,

I will bring Mom with me.

Morning.

Good morning.

Okay, come on. Are we gonna
talk about last night or what?

Oh, not necessary.

Last night was personal.

This is business. Let's just work.

If that's what you want.

So, I know you wanted to
do a cover of mug sh*ts,

people who were all born this month

and call it "Born Under a Bad Sign,"

but I was thinking of doing
a grouping by hair color

and calling it "Blondes Have More g*ns."

Sounds fine.

That's a weird way of
saying something sucks.

No, really. It's fine.

Um, certainly not worth fighting over.

Well, since you're in
such an agreeable mood,

here's another idea I just had.

We do an all-woman edition
under the headline

"b*tches Be Crazy."

That may not be well-received.

I think you're pushing my buttons,

but I'm not gonna give in.

I'm just gonna sit here and try to find

the pressure points that
my dominatrix taught me.

More on that later.

But...

Come on. Let's talk about
last night, please?

I am sorry that I got upset.

You know, I'm just used
to being the only alpha

in a relationship.

Me too.

Can two alphas have a
relationship that works?

Both of us just have to let go.

So, you're saying we
just have a relationship

with no plan at all, no safeguards,

nobody leading, just trust...

Oh, I can't breathe.

Okay, so, I am gonna trust you.

You're gonna trust me.

And we may end up ripping
each other's hearts out.

I'm in.

Me too.

All right, let's get back to work.

Hey, who tore the eyes
out of the hot blonde

that was going on the cover?

Could've been anybody. b*tches be crazy.

HARRIS: Can I talk to
you guys for a minute?

I have a question about relationships.

[BOTH GROAN]

Okay, so, there's this boy at
school that I want to date,

but he wants me to be exclusive.

How do I decide?

Don't ask anybody about
your relationships.

They just want to get all
up in your business.

It's a big aggravation.

Die alone. It's easier.

Mom?

Oh, man.

Relationship dynamics
are so complicated.

You zig, and then they zag,

then you zig, and then they zig.

It's all like one big cosmic yank.

I guess I'll go ask Aunt Becky.

- No, no, no, no!
- No, no!

Tell us more! Tell us
more about this boy.