01x04 - The Separation of Church and Dan

[bunniefuu]

JACKIE: So, since your mom
used to handle the holidays,

I thought we should
talk about a game plan

for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Oh, I say we follow the
Conner tradition...

spend every dime we have on Halloween,

and then we have nothing
to be thankful for

or buy gifts with.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Aunt Jackie.

- Hi.
- Hey. How was school?

Good. We're learning about democracy.

Oh, it's a class in ancient history, eh?

We're doing projects about the election.

I'm gonna take a poll at the mall

to see how people voted.

Oh, good, my -year-old

approaching strangers at the mall.

Why don't we double down and just

have you hitchhike there?

No, you're taking me.

Oh, I-I-I can't.

I have to work that day.

I didn't tell you what day it was.

Oh, you didn't?

Well, let's not get bogged down

in he said, she said.

All right, what day is it?

- Saturday.
- How about that?

I actually have to work that day.

Well, I'm free on Saturday.
I'd love to help.

I think it's great that
you're hungry to learn

about how democracy is supposed to work,

'cause it's up to you young people

to snatch it back from special interests

and breathe new life into
this noble experiment

that we call America.

Guys, you got to see this.

[SPORTS CHATTER ON TV]

Why is he outside?

He's watching TV.

Well, yes, that's the
obvious explanation.

Now let's dig a little deeper.

I think the shock of losing your mom

has worn off and now
he's just depressed,

but he doesn't want us to see it.

Well, watching TV from the porch

is not a good way to hide it.

He's been isolating himself

from the family more and more.

Before you know it, he'll
be across the street.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, he'll go as far as
that remote will let him.

Hey, Dad.

What's up?

Watching TV from the porch.

Cool.

Quick question. Why?

I wanted to watch TV,

and I'm getting some fresh air.

Also looking for a little alone time.

Don't mind us.

- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah, that's healthy.

Yeah.

I'm glad you feel that way.

But we won't know until we test it.

[METAL CLINKING]

Okay, if you're gonna track
me like a wounded animal,

do the decent thing and
sh**t me, would you?

Dan, you can't avoid our love.

You've been through a huge loss.

Tell us what you're feeling.

Give it to us.

All right.

I am having a very strong feeling.

My sister-in-law is badgering me,

and I want her to leave my garage.

Maybe you don't want to talk to us,

but you got to talk to somebody.

I went to a support
group when Mark died.

It really helped me.

I still go sometimes.

There you go. Tell him
what you got out of it.

Well, I talked to nice, old men

who have tennis bracelets,

but no one to wear them.

See?

It says "Tiffany,"

but that's just the wife's name.

I find that the guys
on my crew get jealous

when I wear my diamonds, so that's out.

I'll call you if I need you.

Uh, you left your phone by the bike.

Exactly.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Okay, ladies, now that I'm back,

I want to show you all how
Mary's hair should be done.

It's a simple -step process

that should take no
longer than three hours.

Uh, looking at my hair,
did you ever think

I had a realistic chance
of getting hers right?

Okay, the car's all packed
up to head back to the base.

Oh, remember we have to stop by the PX

to get Mary some new church clothes.

We don't go to church.

Excuse me?

What does she mean by that?

Who knows? Kids have rich fantasy lives.

They have dragons for friends.

When was the last time
she was in church?

It's funny, the tricks
time can play on you.

How long?

I'm gonna say about a year.

How long?

Two years.

Two years?

That's almost the whole time I was gone.

Well, in D.J.'s defense,

you know we've never really
been religious people.

I mean, we pray, but it's usually just,

"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks
for the grub," or...

... you know, asking for a
little help at the track.

Well, some of us go regularly.

I take my mother to
services every Sunday

just to remind God she's still here

in case he forgot to take her.

Well, you can gamble with
your souls if you want,

but my family's going to church.

Aunt Darlene doesn't
make Mark and Harris go,

so why do I have to?

Because I said so.

D.J., let's go.

It's okay. I've had a good life.

Yeah, I didn't want to correct him.

Hey, so, my dad will be here any minute.

And remember, he's
kind of raw right now,

but I do think he really wants to talk.

Just don't force it.

We don't have to yell "Surprise," do we?

No. No. Just hang out,

have fun, don't make it weird.

You know, if this doesn't work,

I know some guys who
play drums in the woods.

They seem pretty happy.

Yeah, let's try beer and poker tonight,

but we got that in our back pocket.

- Right on.
- Right on.

He's here.

Everybody act casual.

Jackie.

Why is your car blocking the driveway?

No reason.

Maybe we just wanted you to come in

- through the front door.
- For no reason!

Oh, good.

Crazy people.

I know I'm in the right house.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- There he is!
- Come on in.

What are you guys doing here?

We're here to play some poker.

Yeah. Dwight here, he
finally got his check

from when that street
cleaner ran him over.

We're gonna take his money.

It was a rough night.

Kind of fell asleep in the gutter.

[LAUGHS LOUDLY]

That is some real guy talk!

Okay, Dan, you guys have a great game.

There's no game. Everybody go home.

Come on, we're all here.

I said, "Go home."

Oh. Hang on a minute.

Let me just go talk to him.

I thought I made it clear.

I wanted to be left alone.

But, Dad, these are your friends.

We thought you could
just play some cards,

maybe talk about some things.

I already told you, I don't
have anything to talk about,

and I don't need my friends
sitting around here

feeling sorry for me.

It's not like that.

Your daughter, she's
just worried about you.

We know what you're going through.

Oh, I'm sorry, Chuck.

I didn't realize Anne-Marie was dead.

Oh, come on, Dan...

Why doesn't everybody just
leave me the hell alone?!

- [SIGHS]
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Dan gonna be okay?

Think so.

Um, sorry I dragged you
guys all the way over here.

Ah, it's okay.

We already lied to our wives
to get the night out.

We're gonna hit the strip club.

You're welcome to join
us if you want to.

That's sweet. I'll pass.

BECKY: I'm getting my jacket!

Now, you remember how,
back at the house,

everybody was arguing about religion.

Well, the same thing
happens with politics

because it's very personal,
it's very private.

So, as a pollster,

your job is just remain neutral

and just... you know,
just record the answers.

Okay? Democracy in action.

Go get 'em.

Hello! I'm doing a
political poll for school.

Are you voting Democrat or Republican?

- Democrat.
- Blue wave! !

Sorry! [LAUGHS]

Aunt Jackie, you scared her.

Yeah, sorry. I just felt a rush of hope,

and it just got away from me.

Carry on.

Hi, I'm doing a political
poll for school.

Are you registered as a
Democrat or Republican?

Republican.

Did you vote for higher property taxes

to pay for funding of the arts?

No.

Uh, hi.

I'm Jackie, I'm the
aunt of the pollster.

Quick follow-up question.

So, there's proof that

communities with more arts programs

have less crime,

and it enriches our kids' lives,

and you like kids, right?

Nice bait, but I'm not taking it.

I work hard to pay my property taxes,

and there are a lot
more important things

to spend money on

than the city wasting my taxes

on a giant mural of a crying polar bear

underneath a beach umbrella.

He's not crying, he's sweating.

So, you've never wasted money,

you and that ridiculously huge pretzel.

You want to talk about wasting money?

How about Obamacare?

How about the wall?

- Benghazi.
- Collusion.

- Fake news.
- Fake news!

Thank you!

Aunt Jackie, we're not
supposed to take sides.

You're messing up the poll.

I know. I get it.

Ohh, here we go!

Oh, I figured you'd show up.

I'll make up the couch for you.

I just need some help.

Oh, sure.

Right after I get Dad
out of his depression,

do the laundry,

make an ice-age diorama of Illinois

for Mark's class.

Maybe while I'm helping everybody,

I can strap a broom to my
ass and sweep the kitchen.

I can put these socks in a ball for you.

Oh, thanks. That was the thing

I was most concerned about.

All right, what's up?

I need you and Dad to go to church,

and I need you to bring Mark and Harris.

What? Why?

So that Mary will want to go.

I'm sorry, Deej. You know, it's like,

the whole organized religion thing,

it's up to you if you want
to believe there's a God,

but I can't turn my back on my atheism.

It's the only thing I believe in.

Mary and Geena used to love
to go to church together.

This was huge for them.

And I wrecked it.

Well, then, you should fix it.

Come on. Please?

Oh, God.

Yes! Just like that,

only louder and like you believe it!

Just once to fake the kid out.

Thank you! Thank you!

- Yeah, get off me.
- Oh, sorry.

And just so you know, it's
gonna be me and Mark.

Harris is doing community
service for her school.

There's a red tide,

and she's shoveling dead
fish out of Lake Michigan.

Lucky.

Welcome to the group, friend.

- What's your name?
- Dan.

But everybody just keep going.

I'm good.

That's okay.

No pressure to talk here.

So, what brings you here, Dan?

My wife died.

And?

I'm sorry. Were you looking
for something bigger?

No.

If you're like most of
us here, you're in pain,

and I just figured you
needed someone to talk to.

That's what my family thinks.

And seeing as how I just blew up

at a bunch of my best friends,

maybe they're right.

But I'd just like to listen for now.

You know, we have a saying.

If you won't open up, we can't come in.

What if I don't want you to come in?

I understand your fears,
but I want you to know

I've been coming here for years now,

- and it really helps.
- Oh, my God,

I can't come back here for years.

I'll talk.

What am I supposed to say?

Tell us what's bothering you.

I don't know.

You know when you're a little kid,

and they tell you in Sunday school

to live right, be a good
person, say your prayers,

and God will reward you?

I tried.

I mean, I'm not just saying this.

I busted my ass to play by the rules,

and here's my reward.

I'm years old, and I get to live

the rest of my life
without the woman I love.

God and I made a deal.

He did not come through on his end.

Thanks for sharing, Dan.

We hope you keep coming back.

Anyone else want to share?

Uh, excuse me.

A-Aren't you gonna come in?

We came in and listened.

Don't you feel better
now that you've shared?

No.

No, I don't.

Well, it takes time.

Paulie.

My wife is gone years ago to the day,

and it still feels
like it was yesterday.

Now, I may have told this story before,

but I picked up this book...

I'm sorry to interrupt,
I'm sorry to interr...

I was gonna leave, but then you stood up

and started talking,
and it got personal,

but I really didn't want to
stay for the whole thing.

Uh...

Here we are.

Uh...

Feel better, everybody.

[DOOR CLOSES]

- Darlene says we got to get going.
- [SIGHS]

Nothing like having a grumpy atheist

wake you up at : in the morning

telling you you're gonna
be late to church.

I'm gonna have to meet you there.

I need a couple of minutes
to finish this bike

and load it on the trailer.

You sold the bike?

Yeah.

I'm delivering it to the new owner

right after church.

Your mom didn't want
me riding it, anyway.

She was afraid I'd get k*lled

and she'd have to raise you alone.

She said [AS ROSEANNE] "You
helped make this mess,

you're not dumping it all on me."

[LAUGHS]

[NORMAL VOICE] So, when you lost Mark...

- [REFRIGERATOR DOOR CLOSES]
- [SIGHS]

... did you ever find a cure
for waking up every morning

and looking for him?

Darlene and I got drunk one
night and talked about...

how I never really sat still long enough

to make sense of it all.

So, I went home

and parked myself in a chair for a week,

and by blocking out all
the noise in my life,

I got some clarity,

and I figured out how to move forward.

So, you did it all by yourself?

Then why were you pushing
me to sit around,

talk to a bunch of strangers in a group?

Because it kind of helped.

And everyone was really
concerned about you,

and I didn't want it to
seem like I didn't care.

Oh, so you don't care.

No. I just know you.

Nobody's gonna tell you
how to fix something.

Time to go.

How long do we have to stay?

Just long enough for
God to see your face.

And by God, I mean Geena.

- ♪ ♪
- _

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

So, when are we gonna get back out there

and finish that polling project?

I kind of changed it into an essay.

It's about how people don't listen.

They just yell at each other.

And if we don't start
listening and being nicer,

we'll never be able to get along.

I know.

Those people at the mall
were complete jerks.

Welcome, everyone. God is good.

ALL: All the time.

- All the time?
- All the time!

- CONNERS: God is good.
- Yeah, he's good.

You have such a progressive church

to have a woman preacher.

Oh, the preacher comes out later.

That's the deaconess.

Oh, so you mean like an M.C.?

Oh. Oh. I'm learning so much.

That's the deaconess.
Preacher comes out later.

That's the deaconess.
Preacher comes out later.

[SNAPS FINGERS] That's the deaconess.

The preacher comes out later.

[MOUTHS WORD]

I would like to point out
that one of our congregation

has just returned from serving
our country overseas.

Geena Conner, would you
stand and be recognized?

[APPLAUSE]

Baby, people stopped
raising the roof in .

I understand that the rest of
the Conners are here, too.

Stand up so we know who you are.

I'm just teasing. We know who you are.

Okay, everyone, would you please rise,

as we praise God with a song?

[PIANO PLAYS]

ALL: ♪ This little light of mine ♪

♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

DEACONESS: ♪ Yeah ♪

ALL: ♪ This little light of mine ♪

♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

- Whoo!
- ♪ This little light of mine ♪

Hey, I got your text.

What happened?

I wanted to help D.J.,

but I got to the church.

I just couldn't go in.

I'm not in a great place
with God right now.

Dad, you got to tell us
how we can help you.

You can't.

I have to do this myself.

But you're not.

You know, you're not talking to us.

You're not talking to your friends.

- You won't go to a meeting.
- I went.

It was a bunch of people yammering on

about how they'll never get over

the loss of their husbands and wives.

From what I saw, it was
the fun ones who died.

All right, so...

what do we do now?

Well, I don't know about you,

but I'm going for a ride.

Boy, I sure hope you got a
bicycle in here someplace.

Nope.

You're... you're years old.

You haven't ridden in forever.

Why are you doing this?

Because I need to.

I'm gonna get out on the road

and ride till I feel better.

Or feel something.

Hitting the pavement
at miles an hour,

you're definitely gonna feel something.

Who knows.

Maybe God and I will meet up at a bar,

and he'll pick up the tab.

He really owes me.

All right.

How about this compromise?

You talk to God

while you're watching "Easy Rider"

from your chair in the front yard.

I love you.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, you're so young.

- Uh, dad?
- Yeah?

Say "hi" to Mom.

By the end of the night,

I'm gonna own that sweet
motorcycle of yours.

It's not on table.

I'm having too much fun riding it.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKER]

That sounds pretty good.

How come Anne-Marie wanted
it out of the house?

Eh, she's convinced
the Bluetooth speaker

is listening and recording her recipes.

[LAUGHTER]

Okay. Cards.

♪ Workin' in the coal mine ♪

♪ Goin' down, down, down ♪

♪ Workin' in the coal mine ♪

♪ Oops! About to slip down ♪

♪ Workin' in a coal mine ♪

♪ Goin' down, down, down ♪

♪ Workin' in a coal mine ♪

♪ Oops! About to slip down ♪

- Isn't this is great?
- ♪ Five o'clock in the mornin' ♪

- Friends coming together.
- ♪ I'm already up and gone ♪

Singing about coal.

- ♪ Lord, I'm so tired ♪
- Supporting each other through song.

- ♪ I'm too tired for havin' fun ♪
- Love.

Man love.

♪ Workin' in a coal mine ♪

♪ Goin' down, down, down ♪

♪ Workin' in a coal mine ♪

♪ Oops! About to slip down ♪

♪ Workin' in a coal mine ♪

♪ Goin' down, down, down ♪