01x03 - There Won't be Blood

[bunniefuu]

♪

Hey, this is a good box.

We got a bloody foot on a hook...

... and a dissected alien...

... and some tax returns.

Oooooh!

The IRS believes we have a home office.

- Oooooh!
- Oooooh!

Oh, my God! You guys are
not gonna believe it!

I passed my driving test!

Apparently, it's "pass everyone" day.

Come on. I'm not that bad a driver.

I let you drive home,

and you made a garbage truck swerve.

You don't see something that big

up on two wheels every day.

It's like he was
stopping at every house.

[SOFTLY] That's what they do!

And then, to finish up,

you dragged a traffic cone
most of the way home.

Luckily, that kid's
skateboard broke it loose.

I need a drink.

Becky, where do you keep the hard stuff?

In Becky.

So, can I use Grandma's old car now?

Yeah.

But not to drive.

You can sit in it and play the radio

and go, "Vroom, vroom!"

Your imagination is a road to anywhere.

[IMITATES ENGINE REVVING]

Well, I really do need the job.

And, boy, do I love housecleaning.

It's topless?

Well, that explains the $ an hour.

$ an hour? Do they take men?

'Cause I'll show off the girls for that.

Um, I'm gonna have to pass.

But I will give your
number to my sister.

Thank you.

All right, so, since I've
got you guys here together,

I want to show you my costume.

Disemboweled cheerleader.

Ohhh! Look at you, all gory and sexy.

Uh, I'm bringing a friend to the party,

and it looks like it's
starting to be a thing,

so I wanted to show off a little leg,

a little intestine.

[LAUGHS]

Who's the lucky guy?

His name's Peter.

BOTH: [HIGH-PITCHED] Oh! Peter!

I want your opinion. I do
not want you teasing him.

This family has a history of chasing off

all the unstable men that
I bring into my life,

but Peter's different.

BOTH: [HIGH-PITCHED] Oh! Peter!

He's different!

I'm serious... no teasing.

[NORMAL VOICE] Don't worry.
We'll be good.

[NORMAL VOICE] Yeah, you haven't
dated anyone in, like, forever.

We're not gonna mess with
whatever straggling animal

you've picked off the back of the herd.

♪

♪

♪

♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

All right, everybody! Get in here!

We got to get this photo in by : .

[FRENCH ACCENT] Napoleon
Blown-Apart is 'ere...

[BECKY LAUGHS] ... at your service.

So, what do we get if we
win this Instagram thing?

The scariest family gets a case of beer

and a -foot everything sub sandwich

from Jack's Liquor & Deli.

Ooh! La bibliothèque!

Becky, um...

not sure what's going
on here, but I love it!

Sharknade... O'Conner.

I nee... I need more than that.

Sinéad O'Connor and "Sharknado."

Ohhhh!

Well, the important
thing is you had fun.

[LAUGHS]

Scary J. Blige, you're in the front.

Show your fangs, sweetheart.

I dropped them on the floor.

Give me your fangs, sweetheart.

Big game hunter, you're
behind the couch.

Lizzie Boredom...

sitting on the arm of the couch,

staring at your phone.

Really sell the boredom now.

All right.

Why don't you tell me about your day?

Why aren't you in costume?

Oh, I can't. I got a job
interview at McNasty's.

That place where all the
waiters are rude to you?

You are perfect for that.

MARK: Mom!

I just texted a picture

of my Fortnite costume to Joey.

He told me that since it's
based on a violent video game,

they're not gonna let me
into the school carnival!

Uh, okay, I'm sorry, honey.
I have to run.

I promise you I will take care of this

as soon as I get home.

No! This is an emergency!

They banned a whole bunch of costumes.

You were supposed to get an e-mail.

A-All right. Hold on.

Oh. Damn it. Here it is.

It was important. Don't
you check your e-mails?

I-I missed it.

It was hiding between
"Get in Shape Today"

and "Your Breakfast May Be k*lling You."

Well, this is stupid.

What kind of costumes are they banning?

It says "No costumes

that perpetuate negative
ethnic stereotypes

or are scary, gory, or
anything that's saddening."

Our whole family is saddening.

Does that mean we can't go out anymore?

[NORMAL VOICE] It's
Halloween for God's sake!

hours without laws or rules!

That's the "Purge" movies, Dad.

Mom, this isn't fair.

All right, well, don't worry.
It's gonna be fine.

We still have two days to
come up with new costumes.

None of us want to
offend anybody, right?

It just has to be
something other than...

a bandito, a geisha, zombie, ninja...

Who's offended by a ninja costume?

I've lived in Lanford my whole life

and have yet to run into a ninja.

Oh, they're out there.

And by the time you do see them...

pfft... it's too late.

All right, uh, I got to go.

Where are my damn keys?

Look, Mark's your kid, but I know

your mom and I would've fought
this thing tooth and nail.

Look, I don't want to get
into it with these people.

I already owe them money
for Mark's field trip

to the dairy farm to
see how milk is made.

[SCOFFS]

Chinese kids are building robots.

Our kids are confused
about what cows do.

Wow.

Look, if you don't want a
problem with the school,

that's one thing,

but tell your son this
is a bunch of P.C. crap.

He ought to be able to
wear whatever he wants.

At least this way, he'll know
he didn't do anything wrong.

I know that you and Mom felt
that way, but maybe I don't.

Some stuff does cross the line,

and Mark will be completely
fine in a different costume.

Now, I hate to be rude,

but I have to go someplace and be rude.

So, the food is good,

the benefits are great,
and you eat free.

But, you see, what makes us different

is our servers make
fun of our customers.

People come here just to get picked on.

Oh. Well, that's
something I enjoy doing.

- Just ask my kids.
- [CHUCKLES]

Well, and I see you have serving
experience at the casino,

and everything looks good, so, uh...

let's see you insult me.

Oh. Um... okay.

Maybe... you should try
to order something.

I think I can work with that.

I'll have the tuna melt.

O... kay. Uh, okay. Uh...

Ours is mostly dolphin and sea trash.

Don't insult the food.

Insult the customers.

Oh, sorry.

Now, come on. Let me
have it here. Come on.

I came here to be insulted.

I love it!

Uh, this is a little
harder than I thought.

I've never had to do it on command.

Yeah, yeah, but, you know,

just go with the flow,
you know what I mean?

If you want, you could take your cues

off my appearance or
something I'm wearing.

Okay. Um...

Bet when you were a kid,

you thought you were gonna
grow up and be something,

but you went and disappointed
everyone, didn't you, Gary?

You're a little man in a big chair,

and you're gonna spend the
rest of your life alone.

Look at you!

I'm not sure people
are gonna enjoy that.

Oh. Am I missing something? I
thought it was pretty rude.

Well, you see, there's rude,

and then there's McNasty's fun rude.

You know, everything all in fun.

We're looking for something more like...

"You call that a hat?"

Ohhh! Okay.

I-I get it now. I get it.

Um, nice hat. Uh...

Maybe you should pull it
down over your ugly face

so people can keep their burgers down.

Huh?

Okay. Okay. You know what?

I-I think that's enough for today.

And, uh, we'll call you.

Thank you. I really
appreciate your time.

I need this job pretty bad,
and I know I can do it...

Butt Face.

It's not gonna happen.

Just go.

And my mother says I'm amazing!

♪

When do you start at McNasty's?

I didn't get it.

You didn't get a job insulting people?

I was overqualified.

All right, I know you're nervous
about letting me drive,

but think about the benefits.

Like, when one of you guys are drunk,

I can come and pick you
up... no questions asked.

Of course, the next day, we
will have a conversation

about choices, but...

Well, if it's okay with your
mom, it's okay with me.

Mom, can I drive Grandma's old car?

Oh, if it's okay with
Grandpa, it's okay with me.

Grandpa?

She says "Okay," I'm okay.

But she's just gonna tell
me to come back to you.

Yeah.

It's been our experience that
kids tire out eventually.

MARK: Mom?

I'm in the kitchen. We got to get going.

The carnival starts in a half an hour.

Are you done with your new costume?

Yep. Presenting one of the great
artists of the th century...

I can't believe you
made that in two days!

Frida Kahlo... you look just like

that famous painting of her.

Yeah, you got a mustache...

and one up top there as a backup.

I just really like her style.

She was in that art book Mom
stole for me from the library.

It was an art book in Lanford.

Nobody'll even know it's missing.

♪

Hello.

- Happy Halloween.
- Happy Halloween.

- Hey!
- Do not fear.

It is not the real Invisible Man.

It is my son, Kazim.

I don't see anybody. Where is he?

I'm right here.

I hear him, but I can't see him.

Can I go inside now?

You could already be
inside, for all I know.

Thank you for inviting
us over for Halloween.

We weren't so thrilled about Halloween

because last year, you
people vandalized us.

We did that to everybody.

Well, yeah, we talked about
not doing your house,

but we thought you might
feel discriminated against.

♪ Toasted eyeballs drenched in... ♪

So, Dan, I would like to introduce you

to my new friend, Peter.

Hey, man. Nice to meet you.

Great... Two-Face costume.

Oh, good to meet you, too.

But, uh, tonight, I'm actually dressed

as the mind/body dualism of Descartes.

I've often ordered des carte.

But, of course, you know,
it's more expensive that way.

What?

Dan, when you invited me,

I dialed up a couple of fun
facts about Halloween,

so hold on to your bicorn hat.

[CHUCKLES] More about that later.

Did you know that Halloween came

from the Celtic festival of Samhain?

I heard that, but I didn't believe it.

Right? It marked the end of the summer

and the beginning of
the dark, cold winter,

which they associated with death...

ergo, ghosts and goblins.

I'll be darned.

Well, we got jello with
eyeballs in the fridge

and beer if you want it.

And Peter has a master's
in medieval culture,

among other things.

Tell him the best part, honey.

Oh, it gets better, honey?

Repeating a word that was
said before... funny.

But the best part is
that the Celts believed

that the boundaries between
the world of the living

and of the dead were
blurred on that day,

so they wore costumes
to fool the demons,

thus avoiding being dragged to Hell.

Amazing. I could listen to
this man talk for hours.

And I could let you.

There's got to be kids at the door.

Maybe the bell's on the fritz.

Uh, sorry. I might be boring you.

I guess you're more of
a... a football guy.

Yeah, that's me... Joe Lunchpail.

I read a book once, but
it was a comic book.

I finished 'er, though.

Comic books have a very storied history.

Many of the archetypes come
from Anglo-Saxon myth,

particularly Beowulf.

I've heard this story,
but you know who hasn't?

Becky.

[SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS,
INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Ah. And what are you?

I'm poor, back when poor was funny.

Hey! Look at you!

[CHUCKLES]

Listen, we love having
Mark at the school,

but he can't come in wearing that.

Why not?

Your son dressed as Frida Kahlo

could be perceived as offensive.

Didn't you get the
e-mail three months ago?

Three months?!

Listen, I just found out

I haven't had a mammogram in five years.

I'm a little behind.

♪

I-I'm sorry, Mr. Swindell.

What exactly is the
problem with his costume?

He is dressed as an Hispanic woman.

That falls under cultural appropriation.

No, it's cultural appreciation.
He loves Frida Kahlo.

The guidelines were clear.

He has not experienced

what a person of that
ethnicity has experienced.

Therefore, he does not have
a legitimate entitlement

to use or wear any element
of their ethnic identity.

Could you just let the
grapes go by, please?

That's not a comment on
migrant workers, is it?

All right, go ahead. Go ahead. Thanks.

Now, please, I don't want
Mark to miss the carnival.

Just lose the costume.
You can come right in.

I worked hard on this costume.

I made it especially for this carnival.

Can't I please come in?

Listen, I get what the
rule is for. I really do.

But sometimes the good
intention of the rule

gets taken a little
far, don't you think?

Why don't you grow a
pair, Mr. Swine-dell?

That's right... I came up with
that nickname years ago.

And start judging Mark
on an individual basis,

instead of lumping him into
some category on a list.

Okay, we just want to go
in there and spend $ ...

which I do not have... on the ring toss

so I can win a goldfish
that will die in my car!

Or we can stand here

and continue traumatizing my child,

which I know I'm not
helping by yelling at you!

I know about the nickname, Dark-lene.

But I'm sorry. Rules are rules.

And by the way, don't you still
owe us money for the field trip?

Uh, yes, I do, and I will get it to you

as soon as I get a second job.

Apparently, I'm not rude
in an entertaining way.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go
ahead and agree with that.

God.

I'm sorry I yelled at your principal.

I mean, that is not the kind of
example I want to set for you.

No. That's the coolest
thing I've ever seen.

From now on, nobody's
gonna bully the kid

with the psycho mom wearing a barrel.

Well, we stood up for our principles,

and we did the right thing,

and so we should be proud of that.

Now let's go find some
tall grass so I can pee.

♪

Aww! Aren't you a cute princess.

Trick or Treat!

Uh-oh.

I see you have a king-size candy bar.

Caught this just in time.

These are full of cooties.

I'll throw that out for you.

And I'll give you two candy corns...

and a popcorn ball we
found on the couch.

Happy Halloween!

She's adorable!

You should be ashamed of yourself,

taking candy from a child...

and not giving me half.

Here you go.

I think you'll find the
shame makes it delicious.

Hey, Grandpa.

- Is this about the car again?
- No.

I just wanted to let you know

that I've been offered a
job at the Dairy Queen.

Good for you.

But how will I get there, you ask.

I don't really care.

Well, since you brought up the
car, let's talk about it.

I can pay for insurance and gas.

And I just have to say,

you have the hair of
a man half your age.

All right, stop.

Here's the deal.

You're gonna drive me
to work for a month,

with me screaming in
your face every day.

When I'm sure you're
not gonna hurt anyone,

you can use the car.

Yes! Thank you!

I will do my best not to k*ll you.

Why are you being so hard on her?

I don't want her wrecking the car.

Why are you worried? Just
put her on your insurance.

I'm on there.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHING] Yeah, sure you are.

- Well?
- "Well" what?

Come on. Come on. What do
you think about Peter?

- He's nice.
- Nice?

That's it?

Before, I had my sister
around to vet my boyfriends

and tell me if I was
making a huge mistake.

Can you do a little of
that... just be honest?

Well, he does seem to know a lot,

and he's not shy about sharing it.

Okay. That's fair. What else?

Uh, well, he... he's the kind of guy

that even though you haven't
spent much time with him,

it feels like you've spent
a lot of time with him.

[LAUGHING] Sure. Sure.

That's it, though?
Th-That's all you got?

I just want you to be honest.

Really dig deep, really find some flaws.

Roseanne would tell me how she felt,

and I'd blow up at her for meddling,

but I'd hear it.

I get it. Um, all right.

Uh, I'm new at this, but here it goes.

Uh, I-I think I might hate him,

but I really need more time.

See?

That's a different perspective.

Thank you.

It is a little weird

that Peter doesn't have
a job at years old.

[LAUGHS]

I knew you'd try and destroy this.

I don't know why I bother

talking to anybody in this family.

And by the way, do you
know how hard it is

to find a single guy in
his s with a job?!

He's a damn unicorn!

That's what he is!

♪

Hey, Grandpa.

Hey. How was the carnival?

We didn't go.

Mark and I wandered around
the creepy cemetery

behind the old Lanford church.

We found all these tombstones

with Hortenses and
Ebenezers and Obediahs.

How come they only lived
'til they were ?

Well, when people are constantly
making fun of your name,

it's just too painful to go on.

So, why'd you skip the carnival?

They said I couldn't be Frida Kahlo

because I'm not Mexican.

And?

Mom went crazy on the principal.

- You really went after him, huh?
- I did.

Way to go, Dark-lene.

Look, you were still mostly wrong,

but this guy was mostly wrong, too.

So what have we learned? Men are wrong.

Um, Mom, I'm a man.

Yes, you are, son.

Welcome to Wrong Island.

Anyway, way to go,

kicking the snot out of that principal.

Well, he's a beaten old man,
and he's wildly underpaid,

so, yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself.

♪

♪

Slow down. School zone.

I see it.

- Aah!
- [BOTH SCREAM, TIRES SCREECH]

Mary? Mary.

Good prank, but the wrong time.

Oh. Sorry.

[ENGINE REVS]

- Aah!
- [BOTH SCREAM, TIRES SCREECH]

Mary, Mary, not a different time.

I mean when somebody's not driving.

Mailbox! Mailbox!!

[TIRES SCREECH]