04x16 - Mike and Gloria Mix it Up

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Hey, uh, how about
Paper Moon?

Nah.

Then what about
American Graffiti?

Nah.

Gloria, you've turned down
over movies.

If you don't want to go,
just say so. I'll understand.

I don't wanna go.

I don't understand you, Gloria.

I feel like doing
something tonight.

Oh, okay, then let me show you
a new dance I learned.

Ooh, you're gonna
love it.

It's called
the elevator dance.

The elevator dance?

Yeah, no steps.

Gloria, take it easy,
will you?

What's the matter?

Y-y-you're hugging me
so tight.

That's because I like
being close to you.

Close to me?
You're among me.

Gloria, do you think
this is too dressy

for Amelia's party?

Ma, you've had that dress
for four years

and every time you put it on,
you ask me that same question.

Well, I paid $ . for it,

and I don't want them to think
I'm showing off.

It's fine, Ma.

Oh, is Amelia cooking

another one of her
fancy dinners tonight

for you and Daddy?

Oh, yeah.

It's gonna be a seven-course,
round-the-world gourmet dinner.

Where's Archie?

In the kitchen,
making himself a sandwich.

Oh, no!

Archie!

Archie. Oh, don't eat that!

I'm eating it.

Archie, please,

if you don't hurry,
we'll be late.

Oh, no.

We're going to see
your relatives.

We go to see
your relatives,

no matter what time
we get there,

it'll be too soon.

Come on!

We got a long ride
on the subway to the beach.

Oh, don't tell me.

Why would dumbbells like that

live at the beach
in the wintertime?

Maybe it's because
Russ is a plumber,

and he likes to hear
the sound of water running.

Well, when you see Russ, be sure
and shake your head, huh?

So he can hear the water
on your brain.

No, really, we can't.

But thanks for asking.

Oh, have a good time.

Yeah, bye, David.

Uh, what was
all that about?

Oh, that was just David
inviting us

to a party
he's having tonight.

You turned him down?
Why didn't you ask me?

Why? You wanna go?

Well, Gloria, I said I felt like
doing something tonight.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

It's just, well, the folks
are gonna be out tonight,

and I sort of took it
for granted

you'd wanna stay home
with me.

Yeah, well,
lately you've been

taking a lot of things
for granted.

Oh, Michael,
don't be like that.

Come on!
Yeah, all right.

Oh, look at this!

He's got her on his lap already.

He'll be turning our home
into a massage parlor.

Archie, is that
all you think we do

when you're
out of the house?

Oh, no.

I think you do it sometimes
when I'm in the house.

EDITH: Archie,
we better go.

Yeah, all right.
I'm coming, I'm coming.

Archie, for your information,

what Gloria and I do
behind closed doors

is none of your business.

There's no reason
for you to snigger.

What was that I heard
from you,

you big pinko liberal?

Don't you know that the delicate
word for that is "Snegro"?

Bye, Ma. Have a good time.
EDITH: Bye!

Whoop-dee-doo, they're gone.

I was showing you
the elevator dance.

Elevator going up!

Hey, hey, Gloria!
Take it easy.

My back, my back.
Ow, ow, ow.

Michael, you used to love it
when I did this.

I-I-I still do.

It's just
I wasn't set for it.

I know what it is.

It's David's party.

You're mad I turned it down
without asking you first.

Is that it?

Well, our marriage is an equal
partnership, fifty-fifty, right?

I'll call David back.

No, no, no.
That's all right.

You don't have to.
I made my point.

You understand
that you were wrong,

and I understand
that you were wrong.

See, that's the beauty
of our relationship.

We both have
an open mind.

Now, uh,
what'll it be tonight,

watch a little television, huh?

No, honey,
we don't need television.

Let's talk.

All right, talk.

What do you want
to talk about?

You said I have
an open mind.

Is that what first attracted you
to me, my mind?

No, as a matter of fact,
it was your pockets.

What?

The first time
I saw you,

you were wearing
those tight jeans

with the cute little
pink pockets in the back.

Those were the best
walking-away pants I ever saw.

I fell in love

with the way those cute little
pink pockets walked away.

Yeah? Yeah?

Then when you
turned around,

I fell in love
with the rest of you.

Oh, Michael.

When you started to speak,

you almost ruined
the whole thing.

I'm kidding.
Kidding. Kidding.

Gloria,

I knew the first time
I saw you

that underneath that
Little Orphan Annie hairdo

you used to wear

there lurked a mind.

And I knew that
underneath all that hair

and the mustache

and that beard you used to wear,

there lurked a face,

a beautiful face,

which I'm taking with me.

Uh, where?
Where are you going?

Upstairs.

We were having such
a nice conversation.

Why do you
want to end it?

Who's ending it?
We'll talk on the way.

I forgot what
I was talking about.

You broke my concentration.

I lost my whole
trend of thought.

You wanna play checkers?

Checkers? Won't that break
your trend of thought?

No, no, no.

See, I play much better
when I think.

I think and I play better.

You just sit over there,
I'll get the checkers.

I don't want
to play checkers.

All right, forget checkers.
You don't want to play checkers?

You're the one
who wants to stay home.

What do you wanna do?

Quit kidding around, Gloria.

Who's kidding?

We'll watch television.

No, honey, come on.

Let's make
our own fun.

♪ Another bride ♪

♪ Another June ♪

♪ Another sunny honeymoon ♪

♪ Another season ♪

♪ Another reason ♪

♪ For makin' whoopee ♪

♪ A lot of shoes ♪

♪ A lot of rice ♪

♪ The groom is nervous ♪

♪ He answers twice ♪

♪ It's really k*lling ♪

♪ That he's so willing ♪

♪ To make whoopee ♪

Now do you wanna
go upstairs?

No.

Michael,
what's the matter?

Nothing the matter.

I just don't feel like
going upstairs.

You haven't felt like
going upstairs

for the last four weeks.

I don't understand.
Is something wrong?

Gloria,
there's nothing wrong.

I just-- I've had a lot of
important things on my mind.

Like what?

Well, like, uh,
for instance, uh...

the energy crisis.

Oh!

Well, then I get it.

It's not that you're
being indifferent to me,

you're just being patriotic.

What are you talking about?

You're conserving energy.

Look, Gloria,
you don't understand.

You bet
I don't understand.

You've been acting
really strange tonight.

I used to run and jump
and throw my legs around you,

and you loved it.

Tonight it was,
"Look out for my back."

You always
used to wait for me.

You never jumped until I said,
"Ready, set, go."

Oh!

So that's what was missing,
"Ready, set, go."

I can't jump
until you speak.

What are you,
my trainer?

No! I'm your husband
and you're my wife.

And to be perfectly honest
with you, Gloria,

lately you have been coming on
a little bit too strong.

Oh, so now
it's all coming out!

Well, go ahead, Michael!
Get it all off your chest.

All right, you asked for it.
You're gonna get it.

For the last--
I don't know how long.

You say it's four weeks?
All right, four weeks.

I think it's longer.

But we are hardly in bed
with the lights off

and...there you are.

What is wrong with that?

Did you ever stop to think
that maybe I'm not in the mood?

How am I supposed to know

whether or not
you're in the mood?

You'll know when
I make the advances.

That's how you'll know!

I don't believe
that's you talking!

Believe it, Gloria,
because lately,

I don't know who the man is
around here.

What?

And I'm gonna tell you
something else.

For the last four weeks--

And I think it's longer.

Some of those times,
I didn't really have a headache.

Then why didn't you
just tell me the truth

instead of making up
such a cheap excuse?

Because I didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

Well, what do you think
you're doing right now?

Michael, honey,
don't you understand?

If two people really
love each other,

what's the difference
who makes the first move?

A big difference!

The man doesn't like
to be chased.

It's more natural
for him to be the pursuer.

Hold it! Hold everything.

Didn't you just say we had an
equal partnership, fifty-fifty?

Yeah. Yeah.
Everything is fifty-fifty.

But I'm the fifty
that should be heard from first!

That is typical
male-superiority garbage!

Hey, hey, Gloria!
No, no!

If we are equal, we are
equal partners everywhere,

and that includes
the bedroom.

Don't you see that
goes against nature?

I mean, take
the animal kingdom.

The male
is always in charge.

Oh, yeah? Did you ever
hear of a king bee?

What?

It's the female
who runs the hive.

That is strictly
for breeding purposes.

Okay, then what about
the black widow spider?

She does all the chasing.
She decides on the mating.

Yeah, and when she's finished
with her husband, she kills him.

You see what happens
when a woman takes charge?

Gloria, that is the whole point
of our civilization.

Look how far we've come
from the spiders!

I don't believe it.

We got the whole house
to ourselves,

and we're talking
about spiders!

Gloria, look,
all I'm trying to say--

All I'm trying to say is that a
man's sex drives are different!

Oh, don't tell me
about your drives, Michael.

Mine are just
as strong as yours.

And if it gives me pleasure once
in a while to be the pursuer,

the least you can do
is deliver.

Wait just a second here.

Wait just a second!

I have not finished.

Now, you call yourself
progressive.

But when it comes to women,

you're still working
on the old double standard.

If a man comes on strong,
he's a great lover, a Casanova,

but if it's a woman,
she's a nymphomaniac.

Look, Gloria...

A good marriage
is based on give and take.

Take tonight, for example.

You didn't want
to go to the movies.

I didn't force you
to go to the movies.

Now, I should get
that same consideration.

If I have
certain preferences--

Hang-ups.

If I have
certain preferences--

Hang-ups.

Preferences.
Hang-ups.

Preferences! Preferences!
Hang-ups! Hang-ups!

That's it! That's it!

I can't talk to you anymore!

I can't talk to you
because you're hysterical!

Michael, look who's
calling who hysterical.

You're a wild woman, Gloria!
You're a wild woman!

I'll give you a chance
to calm down and cool off!

I'm going for a walk!

That's all right, Michael.
Don't bother!

I'll go out for the walk.

No, no, you're not
going anywhere.

I said I was going. I'm going.
Don't tell me what to do!

If I wanna go
for a walk, I'll go!

You're not going
anywhere, Gloria.

It was my idea,
I'm going first!

Oh, Michael!

Honey!

What's the matter?

[SCREAMS]

Spider!

Spider woman!

MIKE: Gloria?

Gloria?

I wanna talk to you!

Is anybody home?

Gloria--

[DOOR OPENS & SLAMS]

Gloria?

Excuse me.

Oh, did you want
to talk to me?

No. Did you want
to talk to me?

No. I thought you wanted
to talk to me.

Where'd you get that idea?

You don't wanna talk?

No.

Fine.

The talk is over.

Gloria, where the hell
have you been?

Out.
I know, "out."

Where, "out"?
Just out.

It is after midnight. You've
been gone for over five hours.

That's not "just out,"
that's way out.

Now, I wanna know
where you've been.

It's personal, it's private,
and I don't wanna talk about it.

All right, fine.

You don't wanna talk about it?

That's fine with me.

I'm going to show you that I'm a
bigger person than you, Gloria.

I'm going to tell you
where I've been.

I'm going to tell you

everything that happened
to me tonight.

I'm going to open up
completely to you.

Okay, but let me get
another glass of milk first.

Gloria!

I just told you I was going
to open up completely!

All you can think about
is another glass of milk?

I can listen and drink
at the same time. Go ahead.

No, no, no, no. You finish
what you're doing first.

I want your
complete attention.

You've got my attention.

Thank you.

I want to
tell you that...

I had a very unusual experience
tonight, Gloria.

Very unusual.

I went to David's party.

Yeah, and you probably--

Gloria!

I was just talking
to you in there.

I heard everything you said.

You had a very
unusual experience tonight.

Go ahead.

Yeah.

Well, I went to
David's party tonight.

I was feeling
very depressed

about you
walking out on me.

There were
a lot of people there,

all having a good time.

I sat all by myself
in a corner,

just staring off
into space.

And then suddenly
I heard this soft voice,

saying, "Would you care
for a drink?"

I looked up.

And there, standing
in front of me,

was a beautiful girl.

I don't mean cutie-pie
beautiful. I mean beautiful.

She had black hair.

It was parted right down the
middle and pulled straight back.

She looked just like
a ballerina.

With a name to go with it.
Felicia.

How's that for a name, huh?
Felicia.

It's a beautiful name.

You betcha.
Beautiful. Felicia!

Yeah.

Well, naturally,
I did the polite thing.

I asked her to sit down.

You know what she did?

She sat down.

That's exactly
what she did.

But do you know
how she sat down?

Right on the floor
at my feet.

Dogs do that a lot too.

All right, Gloria.
You make fun if you want.

But I'm telling you
that it was beautiful.

I don't know how
to explain it,

but there was instant
communication between us.

Oh, I can explain it.
You talked and she listened.

I knew this was going to
be rough on you.

I'm about to
tell you, though,

there's more to this story.

I took her home.

Uh, uh! Just let me
finish the story, please.

Don't interrupt.

I took her to her place,
stood out there on the sidewalk.

It was a beautiful moment,
Gloria.

Just the two of us,
looking into each other's eyes.

And she waited,

without asking--

You hear me?
You hear me?

Without asking,

she waited for me
to make the decision.

So I took her in my arms
and I kissed her.

I want to tell you
something, Gloria.

No, I want to
tell you something.

You just let me
finish here!

I want to tell you that for
the first time in four weeks--

And I think it's longer.

I enjoyed a true
man-woman relationship.

Well, I am glad.

Because it makes it a lot easier
for me to tell you

that I met someone
tonight too.

Huh?

Someone I was
very attracted to.

Huh?

When I left
the house tonight,

I walked for a long time,
and I got really cold.

So I stopped
for a cup of coffee.

I was very angry and upset,

and I wasn't paying any
attention to what I was doing.

And I spilled my coffee
all over my lap.

Yeah, well, forget the coffee.
What about the man?

Well, he was sitting
right next to me at the counter.

And when I spilled my coffee,
he took out his handkerchief

and dipped it
in a glass of water

and started to clean
the stain off my lap.

Off your lap?

Yeah, and then he bought me
another cup of coffee,

and we sat in a booth,
and we talked.

You moved to a booth?

Yeah.

With a complete stranger,
you moved to a booth?

That's just it, Michael. It
wasn't like he was a stranger.

He was such
a good listener.

He had an instinctive
understanding of women.

He was very intelligent.

You know what he said about us?
What?

Well, he said
that most men

are rather vain
about their masculinity,

and that my husband might be
feeling threatened--

Forget that, forget that!
I don't care what he said.

No, I think
it's important

that I tell you
everything that happened.

There's more?

Yes.

When we left
the coffee shop,

he insisted on walking me
to the bus stop.

We stood on the corner
saying goodbye.

And he made
a pass at you.

No, it wasn't
like that at all.

No, it was one of
the most beautiful moments

I've ever experienced.

He stood there waiting,
a real man,

secure in his own masculinity,
aware of what my needs might be,

and perfectly willing
to let me make the first move.

And you know what I did?

You made the first move.

You bet I did.

You made the first move!

I threw my arms around him
and kissed him.

You-- You kissed a perfect
stranger on a street corner?

No, right on the lips.

You kissed him on the lips?!

Michael, it wasn't
because I loved him--

No, no, no, no!
You kissed him on the lips.

You kissed him on the lips.

Michael Stivic!

I listened
to your story.

Yeah, but that's
just it, Gloria.

That's just what
mine was, a story.

It didn't really happen.

I didn't go to
David's party tonight.

You wanna know the truth,
where I really went?

You wanna know
what really happened

while you were standing
on a street corner

throwing yourself
at some strange man's lips?

I was sitting all alone

in a lousy, crummy
neighborhood movie theater

watching a rotten
double feature.

You might have enjoyed it
if you'd stayed in your seat.

Five trips to
the candy counter.

How do you know how many trips
I made to the candy counter?

Because I was
in that crummy theater,

sitting four rows
behind you, munch-mouth.

Then that whole story about
the man with the coffee stain,

the kiss on the lips,
you made that up?

That's right, Michael,
just like you made up your story

about your girlfriend, Felicia.

It's a beautiful name.

Michel, I made up that story
to show you

that if I'm
attracted to you,

what's wrong with me
letting you know that?

Honey.

If two people
really love each other,

it doesn't matter
who starts things

as long as
they get started,

and as long as
we end up together.

Doesn't that make sense?

Yeah.

Good.

Oh, Michael, mustard.

Oh.

It was delicious.

Gloria, if you...

still wanna play
ready, set, go, I'm...

I'm willing.

Whoop-dee-doo.

Ready, set--

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, Michael.

Fifty-fifty.

You're right, you're right.
You go first.

Ready.

Set.

BOTH: Go!

What did I tell you, huh?

They've been at it
since we left.

MICHAEL: Ready.
GLORIA: Set.

BOTH: Go!

Did you hear that?
They're calling signals now.

["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.