04x10 - Archie in the Cellar

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Oh, Ma, that's one of the
prettiest christening dresses

I've ever seen.

Yeah. I hope the reverend don't
wet it when he names the baby.

I remember when Cousin Emily was
baptized. Her dress was ruined!

Gee. How could
a little sprinkle do that?

Well, in Cousin Emily's case, it
wasn't the reverend who did it.

It was Cousin Emily.

You're crazy!
Pay up.

What for?
You lost the bet.

You made the bet
and you lost the bet--

GLORIA:
Hey! What's the matter?

The matter is, your husband
ain't got no honor.

You know that?
He's a welsher.

He made me a bet of a dollar,
he lost the bet,

and now
he won't pay up.

You know that joke
was funny!

Arch, the joke
was not funny!

You didn't see me
laugh, did you?

I seen you
trying not to laugh.

But you didn't fool me, because
I seen your mustache twitching.

What is this
all about?

I bet him a dollar

that if he could hear
Stretch Cunningham

tell one of his own jokes
in his own voice,

that he had to laugh,
he'd think it was funny.

Can you believe
he actually tape-recorded

Stretch telling one
of those rotten jokes!

That's right.
Right here.

Hey! Daddy,
did you buy that?

No, no, Stretch
loaned it to me.

He uses it to try out
his jokes on himself, see?

Now, listen
to this.

No, I don't want
to listen to that again.

It stinks, Arch.

Just wrap up
the sandwiches, Gloria.

Let's get going.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!

Pay me the buck before
you go on your vacation.

No!
Daddy.

It's not a vacation.

It's a weekend seminar
in the mountains.

It's a sociology study group.

It's a working weekend
for Michael.

"A working weekend,"

I know what that meathead's
gonna be working on

as soon as youse two
get up in the woods alone.

Funny, Arch.

Hey, I'm back.

ARCHIE: Yeah. Come on, close
the door, Irene. It's cold.

I got the weather stripping
for your cellar door.

Come on, you welsh!
You pay me a buck!

No!

Come on, Gloria.
Let's go.

Well, you can go,
but not with that.

Daddy!

What are you doing?
Give that back.

That's our lunches!
Give that back!

You want the lunch,
pay me the buck.

Oh, forget it,
Michael.

Pay him and let's go.

No. It would be lying.

In my opinion,
that joke was not funny.

And in my opinion,
as the head of this house,

the joke was damn funny.

All right.

All right, why don't we have
somebody else judge it, okay?

All right. If you can get
an indepartial judge.

Uh,
how about Irene?

All right, sure.

Come on, Irene.

Get over here
and judge this thing here.

Oh, no, you're not getting me
involved in a family argument.

Come on.
Come on, Irene.

Oh, come on,
Irene, please?

Because we
have to go.

Come on, this won't take long.
Just sit right down.

Get out of here,
youse two!

Now you listen to this
and you tell me

if Stretch Cunningham ain't
the funniest guy you ever heard.

Hey, hey.
Don't prejudice her.

What are you
talking about prejudice?

Stretch Cunningham's
a white guy.

Now, you may have heard some
funny comedians in your time,

Milton Berlin,
Don Trickles and them, see,

but when you hear this guy here,
you're sure gonna laugh.

All right, hold it,
everybody. Now!

STRETCH [ON TAPE RECORDER]:
Hi, everybody!

This is
Stretch Cunningham talking.

You know how you can tell

when an elephant's been
in the refrigerator?

You find his footprints
in the butter!

Ha ha! Ha!

Ha ha ha! Huh?

I'll get your door fixed
in just a few minutes, Edith.

MICHAEL:
Come on, Gloria. Let's go.

Come on, Irene.
That was a funny joke.

You didn't laugh at it.
What's the big idea?

No big idea.

No big joke either.

Aw!

Arch, you can forget
the buck you owe me.

Yeah. And use it to give
that joke a decent burial.

ARCHIE:
Get out of here!

Well, bye, everybody.
EDITH: Bye!

Hey, Ma, have a nice time
in Scranton.

Thanks.
Bye, Daddy.

[LAUGHS]

I got the sandwiches!

[LAUGHING]

We'll see you
tomorrow night

if you're still up
when we get home.

Have a good time
in the woods.

Say hello to
the pinko patrol up there.

Got the sandwiches.

Archie, I can use
your finger here.

Yeah, all right.
Hurry up, will you?

I'm so worried about going away
for the whole weekend.

Are you sure you're
gonna be all right?

I'm a grown man, Edith.
I can take care of myself.

Ow!

Jeez!
You strangled my nail.

I'm sorry. You want me
to kiss it and make it better?

Shush!
Irene's standing there!

You want me to kiss it
and make it better?

Cut the funnies,
huh, Irene?

Will you hurry up?

If you don't get that dress
there to Scranton in time,

they'll be baptizing
the baby in the nude.

Come on!

Come on!
You're missing that bus.

The last bus to Scranton
leaves at : tonight.

Yeah, all right.

All your meals
are in the icebox.

Everything's labeled,
so you can't go wrong.

Did you label
the beer cans too?

No.
Do you want me to?

No, no!

Go! Here, come on,
will you?

I'm sorry.

Bye, Archie.

Oh! Mwah.

I wish you were
coming with me.

It's cold and the air
is coming in here.

Oh! Irene!

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Edith. Don't do
anything I wouldn't do.

All right.

Oh!

[LAUGHING]

Come on, will you?

Will you
get going!

All right, Archie!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Goodbye, house.

Oh...

Oh, well, all right, Irene.

Not to be disneighborly
or anything, but you're next.

Are you finished here?

Yeah, your door
is all fixed now.

You got a draft-proof
strip on the bottom

and you got
a burglar-proof lock.

Oh! Oh! One thing
about this lock.

Be sure and turn the knob
to the left

because that clicks on
the safety latch.

If you turn it to the right,
it locks.

Yeah, I know all--

You can't open it
from the other side.

I know about them locks.

Well, I just wanted
to show you.

And I put on that a*t*matic
closer, last week.

And--
Boy, that closes fast!

Maybe I'd better just
ease it back a little.

No! Don't worry about it. Leave
it alone. It'll be all right.

It'll just take a minute.
No, no, no.

You shouldn't stay here,
you know.

Because you and me alone
here in the house like this,

it, uh-- It don't look--

What do you call it?

Good.

Oh, you're right.

You know what Frank would say
if he caught us together?

What?

"You can do better
than that, Irene."

Aw!

[LAUGHING]

Cut it out! You're as nutty
as your old man.

I had you going there
for a minute, didn't I, Archie?

Here's your tools.

Listen, why don't you
come on over

and stay with
Frank and me today?

At least
you'll be warmer.

It's all right.
I'm just gonna be by myself.

Anyway, I gotta wait
for the oil man.

He was gonna
make a delivery.

Well, if you change
your mind.

Yeah, well, I ain't gonna
change my mind, Irene.

Goodbye.

Yeah, bye!

Whoop-dee-doo!

Alone at last.

I'll watch a little TV,

have a little beer
for myself in here.

And first of all,
try out this little item here.

Huh?

First of all,
we turn Stretch over.

Yeah, you're
a funny guy, Stretch.

I don't give a damn
what they say.

Ah.

This is for record, there.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SUAVELY]
Good evening, folks.

This is Archie Bunker talking
to you from the Gardenia Room,

Hauser Street.

♪ All alone ♪

♪ I'm so all alone ♪

♪ There is no one here but me ♪

♪ All alone
By the telephone ♪

♪ Waiting for
A ring-a-ting-a-ling ♪

Jeez, it's cold!

It's freezing in here.

Let's see what this is.

♪ The thermostat says-- ♪

Sixty-four! Jeez!

♪ Down the cellar I go ♪

♪ To check that fuel supply ♪

ARCHIE:
Uh-oh!

Thank you, Irene Lorenzo.

Well. Try the old
cellar door here.

[GRUNTS]

Pah! Locked!

Hey, anybody!

There's a guy
down the cellar here!

Force that door...

[GRUNTS]

Oh!

[GROANS]

A tool here.

Ah!

Chains.

Who would keep
all this crapola down here?

Yeah!

[MUTTERS]

Ow! Jeez! Ow! Ow!

Oh!

[MOANS]

I'm locked in the cellar!

It's colder down here
than upstairs.

Why not? It's the cellar.

Let's check the oil here.

Not a drop left.

Thank you, Arabs.

I want something here
to put over myself.

I'll freeze to death down here.

What's this?

Ah. Gloria's crayons.
I know what we'll do here.

I know what we'll do,
a little note.

"Help.

Man...in...cellar."

Hey! Anybody!

There's a note up there!

Oh, jeez...

[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]

There's nothing.

What's this?

Polish vodka.

What's this doing down here?
A card.

"Gloria and Mike.

"Best wishes
on your wedding day.

"May all your troubles
be little ones.

Uncle Casmir."

That dumbbell from Chicago.

Well, Casmir, here's to you.

Nothing.

Ooh!

Jeez.

That was a while coming, there.

[BELCHES]

Yeah.

"One hundred proof."

Boy, that's a blanket
in a bottle.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Hello? What do you want?

If you don't wanna talk to me,
to hell with you.

Jeez.

Oh, the time.

It stopped.

[GRUNTS]

Gloria!

Mike, Gloria!

They ain't home.

It must be Sunday.

If it ain't Monday.

Holy... Ugh...

I could croak down here
and nobody would know.

I know what I've got to do.

Last will and tentacle.

This is Archie Bunker,
Hauser Street,

speaking to you from the cellar
of Hauser Street.

To my wife, Edith Bunker,

to her all my worldly goods

I do endow,

including the house,
Hauser Street,

and everything in it,
except the following items.

To my son-in-law,
Meathead Stivic,

I leave my original
-star American flag,

leaving out Alaska and Hawaii.

To my dear daughter,
Gloria Bunker,

who I forgive
for marrying the above,

I leave my personal
living-room chair

for her to use as a centralpiece

in her own someday living room.

To Mrs. Irene Lorenzo...

who k*lled me...

To Mrs. Irene Lorenzo--

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

That was a hell of a sleep.

Another day gone by.

Maybe it's Tuesday,

if it ain't Wednesday.

Ohh...

Last will and tail.

I want to say to my son-in-law,

Meathead, you take care
of my little girl.

Don't you ever go
on the welfare. Support her.

Don't worry, Arch,
I'll take care of her.

She's my responsibility now
and I'll provide for her.

Remember the words of our great
president Richard E. Nixon...

who said, "Don't expect nothing
from your government."

Pay your own way.

Arch, did Nixon say that

before or after the government
shelled out $ million

for his private houses?

Oh, that's awful.

He answers me back
even when he ain't here.

Daddy, don't worry about us.
What about Mom?

Oh, God takes care
of dingbats, little girl.

Where is your mother?

Right here, Archie.

Oh, yeah,
there you are, Edith.

How are you managing
without me?

Oh, we're fine.

I don't wanna hear that.

How are you gonna be fine?

How youse all gonna live
without me around?

Oh, Daddy,
we'll be all right.

Why, Ma just won $
from the Daily News

for writing her most
embarrassing moment.

Yeah.
I'll read it to you.

"My most embarrassing moment.

I went down the cellar
and found Archie dead."

Bye, Arch.

Bye, Daddy.
Bye, Archie.

No! Edith, come back here.
Come back here.

Oh, Archie, I'm glad
you called me back.

I've got something to tell you.

I know you'll be upset,

because this is a thing

that a guy
don't usually tell a woman.

I love you, Edith.

I know, Archie.

You mean I didn't have to
tell you, then?

No.

Then why didn't you stop me?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right, Edith.

I forgive you.

Here, give me
a kiss, Edith.

Here, Edith. Come here, Edith,
and give me a kiss.

Oh, there she goes.

Hey, Lord,
I don't wanna stay here.

If you're gonna take me,

come on, take me
out of this joint.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

MAN: Are you down there,
Mr. Bunker?

Jeez, that was fast.

Here I am, Lord!

Down the cellar!

I can't open
these doors.

Oh, gee, I thought
you could do anything, Lord.

I'll come through
the front door.

Yeah, anything you say, Lord.

I always wanted to see him
come through the wall.

Wait for me.
I'm waiting here, Lord.

I'm coming to get you.

I'm waiting here. Hey...

All right, this is it.
This is it.

Archie Bunker signing off
for the last time.

The Lord is coming
to take me by the hand,

and the next thing
you'll hear from me

will be from a better world
than this.

I'm going with the man upstairs.

MAN:
Mr. Bunker?

Where are you, Mr. Bunker?

Here I am, Lord,
down the cellar.

I know you're in
the cellar.

Where's the cellar door?

It's that one
with the new lock on it, Lord.

Hang on, Mr. Bunker.
I'm coming for you.

Okay, I found the door.

Hold on, Mr. Bunker.

All right,
I'm waiting for you.

Mr. Bunker.

Here I am.

Mr. Bunker.

Yes, yes, yes!

Forgive me, Lord.

The Jeffersons was right.

Hey, Arch,

I was listening to this,

and, uh, here's the buck
I owe you.

Ahh.

So you admit
Stretch Cunningham's

pretty funny there, huh?

Uh, no, Arch,
not Stretch, you.

BOTH: ♪ All alone ♪

♪ I'm so all alone ♪

♪ There is no one here but me ♪

["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.