04x05 - Archie, the Gambler

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Oh, my! I haven't
seen this for years.

What's that, Mom?

"Ah! Sweet Mystery of Life."

I went out and bought this
right after I saw

Jeanette MacDonald and
Nelson Eddy in Naughty Marietta.

Naughty Marietta. Oh, yeah!
I saw that on The Late Show.

It was very interesting

the way they sang
into each other's noses.

The singing was the best part,

because that's when you knew
they were in love.

When Nelson and Jeanette
was talking,

you didn't know
what was going on.

Mom, why don't you
play it for me?

Oh, all right.

I'd better warm
myself up, though.

I'm a little rusty.

[PLAYING SCALES]

[PLAYS OFF-KEY NOTE]

Oh! I always get stuck
on that finger.

[PLAYS OFF-KEY NOTE]

Oh! There it
goes again.

How'd you learn
to play? By ear?

Oh, no!

I took lessons for six years
from Mrs. Cromwish.

Once a week, a dollar an hour.

Oh, my, they was fun.

Really? I thought most kids
hate taking piano lessons.

Not me, I loved them.

Mrs. Cromwish was so nice.

She used to worry
about me getting tired

from too much playing,

so she'd give me cookies
and milk and tell me stories.

And before I knew it,
the hour was over.

Now, here we go!

Ah, all right,
all right.

♪ Ah! Sweet mystery of life ♪

♪ At last I've found you ♪

[DRAMATICALLY]
♪ Ah! I know at last ♪

♪ The secret of it all ♪

♪ All the longing, seeking
Striving, waiting, yearning ♪

♪ The burning-- ♪
Oh, wait a minute!

♪ Wait a minute ♪

I've got to get the chord.

All right. Right.

♪ The burning hopes ♪

♪ The joy and idle tears
That fall ♪

[DRAMATICALLY]
♪ For 'tis love ♪

♪ And love alone
The world is seeking ♪

♪ And 'tis love ♪

♪ And love alone
That can repay ♪

♪ 'Tis the answer
'Tis the end and all of living ♪

Oh, wait!

No! Nelson never kissed Jeanette
'til the end of the song!

♪ I'm sorry ♪

♪ For it is love alone ♪

♪ That rules for aye ♪

Hi, Ma!

Ah! It's so nice to come home
and hear singing for a change.

Let's do it again.
I'm all practiced up.

Oh, good.

The party's over.

It's the Wicked Witch
of the West.

Nothing you say is gonna
bother me tonight, bigmouth,

because I'm in
too good a mood.

Stay right there, Edith.

You right where I want you.
Play another song.

Play another song?
Get away!

Which one?

Just play something happy.

Something happy?

Get away from me!

♪ Blue moon ♪

Edie, what are
you doing?

Edie, why do you play that?
That ain't a happy song.

Oh, it is to me.

That's the first song
we ever danced to.

Ah... This is...
Don't play--

Edith, I hate it!
Don't play it no more!

Happy is fast.
Play something fast, like...

♪ We're in the money
We're in the money ♪

♪ We've got a lot of what
It takes to get along ♪

Forget it, Edith.

Come on over here.

I got something for youse
right in the bag here.

There you are, Edith.
Hey, take a gander at that.

Archie!

There's something for you,
little girl, huh.

Uh-huh.

Now, what are youse
all standing there for?

Can't you say something?

Didn't you get
anything for me?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yours is on order, Meathead.

We got you an electric
power fork.

Get away from me!

Go ahead. Open up
your present there.

Well, what is it?

It's perfume.

Oh!
Look at that!

The best kind.
Look at the size of it.

You know, I think they don't
know what they're selling

down at Rudley's drugstore,

because, you know,
they've got the highest prices

on them little
nothing bottles.

And they've got
the low prices on these here.

You should've picked
her up a six-pack.

Michael!

Thank you, Daddy.

Bubble bath!

Oh, Archie. Thank you!

Gee, Daddy.
It's really sweet of you.

But what's the occasion?

Nothing! Nothing!
Nothing at all.

I mean, after all,
can't a guy, every now and then,

bring home a present
for his family?

Sure he can, Arch.
But you never do.

Fly away, huh?

Daddy, you've got to admit
it's not every day

you come home singing
and handing out presents.

Well, maybe your father always
wanted to, but he forgot,

and today he remembered.

Is that right, Archie?

Yeah. That makes
sense, Edith.

Like I'm sitting here,

and I almost forgot to mention
I wanted a beer.

And now you're remembering?

That's right.

You see what I mean?

He forgot that he wanted--

Would you shut up
and get me the beer.

What?

That's what we
want to know. What?

What, what?

Come on, Daddy, you can tell us.
Did you get a raise?

No! No! Nothing like that.

If you really want to know,
I'll tell youse this much.

It so happens that Lady Luck
shined on me today.

Why are you standing
there, Edith?

You lost a beer.

I'll help you clean it up, Ma.

Archie! You swore you
would never do it again.

Do what again?
Gamble on the horses.

Who said anything about
gambling on the horses?

You just did when you said
Lady Luck shined on you today.

Come on, Edith.
Lots of people say that.

I haven't heard you
say that for years.

Oh, Archie.
You broke your promise.

Listen, listen! Edith, Edith,
it ain't what you think.

Now, just pay attention to me.

Barney Heffner come up to me,
see, and he says to me,

"Listen, I got a hot tip
on a sure thing in the third."

Oh, Archie!

Edith, don't be like this.

Oh! How could you do it?

Edith, it turned out good.
Look, a -to- shot.

Look what I got here.
Eighty dollars, Edith.

Less $ that I laid out
for the presents.

Hey!

That don't matter!

You started gambling again!

I did not
start gambling again!

This is a one-time
and a one-time thing only--

What the hell
are you looking at?

Edith, when Barney asked me
if I wanted to bet again,

I told him no!

N-O-W! No!

Honest?

What do you want me to do?

You want me to swear to you?
Okay, I'll swear. Pinkie swear.

Oh, thank you, Archie.
That makes me feel much better.

I'll get you a beer.

No, no. Never mind, Edith.
I'll get the beer myself.

Jeez, look at that
all over the floor.

Reminds me of when
we had Arthur the cat.

Gee, Ma. Weren't you
awfully hard on Daddy?

After all, it was
only a $ bet.

Oh, it ain't the money, Gloria.
It's the sickness.

I don't want to live
through that again.

What sickness?

The gambling sickness.

You wouldn't remember, Gloria,
because you were too young.

You was years old.

The poker playing
was bad enough,

but then he started
gambling on the horses

and he couldn't stop!

Sometimes he'd lose
his whole paycheck.

Gee, that doesn't
sound like Daddy.

It wasn't him.
It was the sickness.

Ma, how did you
get him to stop?

I packed a suitcase
and dressed Gloria up

and told him I was leaving.

Happy days, everybody.

Well, look who's here.
Nick the Greek.

And look who's over there.
Stupid the Pole.

Come on, Daddy.
Don't start name-calling.

Don't talk to me.
Talk to your husband over here.

You hear the wisecrack
he laid on me?

Come on, Arch,
it was just a joke.

Ma was telling us about
your gambling days, that's all.

About what?

What's wrong?
We're all family here.

Don't remind me!

Telling them about
my gambling days!

I told you never
to talk about that time!

I won't anymore, Archie,
because I finished telling them.

I was only out of the room
one minute.

You finished telling them
that whole long story?

Whenever you tell me
even a little story,

it takes you forever.

That's because
you interrupt me.

You keep saying,

"Get to the point, Edith.
Get to the point."

And that mixes me up
and I lose my place.

If I didn't interrupt you,

you wouldn't know
when you was finished.

Where are you going?

Edith, I'm going upstairs
to the reading room.

Set the table.

Sure, Ma.

Ma, were you really
gonna leave Daddy?

Why, yes, I really was.

Well, what would you
have done then?

Get a divorce?

No, Gloria. Never.

I married your father
for better or for worse.

I'm just lucky the worse
got a little better.

[PHONE RINGS]

I'll get it.

Hello. Oh, yeah.
Hello, Barney.

No. He's busy right now.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Yeah. I'll give him a message.

You put his bet down for him?
Another bet?

Yeah. I'll tell him.

Ten dollars on Glow Worm
in the fifth.

Yeah. Goodbye.

Edith. Let me tell you
something about beer.

You can never buy beer.
You can only rent it.

Oh, look at you, Edith.

You ain't got no sense of humor
about certain things.

Did I hear the phone go off?
Yeah.

Well, who was it for?

It was for you!

For me? Well, who was it, huh?

It was Glow Worm in the fifth!

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Gloria.

Hi, Michael, honey.

[BOTH MOUTHING SILENTLY]

Hey, Ma. Mmm!
Something sure smells good.

Yeah.
Boy, am I starved.

I'll do it tomorrow.

Ah, yeah, Ma.
That's a good idea.

Ah, tomorrow.
We'll do it tomorrow.

It's the best time
to do it.

Michael.
Oh, boy.

How long's
she been like this?

Ever since I got home
from school.

It's : . Where's Daddy?

I know. It's strange.

Half-past feeding time

and Papa Bear's
not sitting at the table.

Well, maybe he got caught
in the rush hour, same as I did.

Michael, did you know Daddy
slept on the couch last night?

You're kidding me!

Was that his idea or hers?

What's the difference?

I'd just like to know.

Did he abdicate
or was he dethroned?

Come on, Michael.

I never thought I'd see the day
when Ma would hit Daddy.

Yeah. Neither did I.

[LAUGHS]

It's the first time

I ever saw your father
with his mouth open

and nothing coming out.

Not funny.
I know.

[LAUGHS]

I can't help it, though.

Gloria, it's like when a guy
slips on a banana peel, right?

You laugh,

then you find out he broke
his leg and say "I'm sorry."

Well, right now, I'm not up
to the "I'm sorry" part yet.

Well, we can't let her
just sit there like that.

Let's go talk to her.

Ma.

Ma, is there anything
we can do to help?

Oh, no.
I don't think so, Gloria.

I've got to figure
this out for myself.

Well, maybe it's not
as bad as you think.

I hope not.

You don't know how bad
the sickness can get.

Why, when we was living
on Union Street,

we had a used car.

And one day,
I was looking out the window

and I saw a man
driving off in it.

I yelled at Archie,

"Archie, there's a man
stealing our car."

He says,
"He ain't stealing it, Edith."

I lost it to him last night."

That's terrible.

Yeah. It was.

But I didn't hit Archie then.

And I shouldn't have
hit him this time.

Ma, you couldn't help yourself.

I couldn't help Archie either.

Remember when you had
the chicken pox, Gloria?

I didn't hit you.

What's that got to do
with anything?

Ooh, everything.

Gambling is a sickness too.

Oh, I don't know what
I'm gonna say to him

when he comes home tonight.

If he comes home tonight.

Oh, Ma.
Of course he'll come home.

I don't know, Gloria.
Your father is a very proud man.

He comes from a family where the
women didn't hit their husbands.

At least not when
they was looking at them.

Ma, Archie's had a whole day
to think about this.

By now, he probably
realizes it's his fault.

He's gonna walk in here,

he's not gonna say
anything about it.

And I don't believe
a word I just said.

Michael.

Ma, you lost your temper.
It could happen to anyone.

I never hit anybody
in my whole life.

Not even when
I was a little girl.

Not even Elsie Lawler.

Elsie Lawler?

I haven't heard you
talk about her. Who's she?

She sat behind me
in fourth grade.

Ooh, she was so mean to me.

What did she do?

Well, once in the playground,
I was running after a ball,

and she stuck her foot out
and tripped me

and I fell on my face
and chipped a tooth.

Ma, I would've hit her!

Everybody wanted me to.

Jerry Lawler offered to hold her
so I could hit her better.

Her own brother.

But I-- I couldn't do it.

I gave it to her, though.

I said, "All right for you,
Elsie Lawler!"

She knew I was mad at her.

I never hit Elsie Lawler,
but I hit your father.

Give us another beer there,
will you, Kelsey?

You gonna drink
your dinner tonight, Arch?

Are you in the business
of asking stupid questions

or selling beer?

I was just asking--
Asking me a stupid question.

Can't you find nobody
else to talk to?

Arch, there ain't
nobody else in here.

That solves your problem,
then. Shut up.

Hey, Kelse!

Give me one of them
tall, cold ones, huh?

Hiya, Arch.

Don't be giving me that
"Hiya, Arch" stuff,

you crumb, you.

Hey, look, pal. I'm sorry
that your horse lost.

But I wasn't riding him,
you know.

That ain't the point.

Why did you have
to call me up at my house?

Because I figured that's
where your phone was.

Look at me, Barney.
I ain't laughing at that.

Ah!
Listen!

Edith was not supposed to know
I was betting on a horse.

Oh! Keeping secrets from
the little wifey, huh?

That ain't nice, Arch.

What did Edith say
when she found out?

Well, it wasn't what she said,
it was the way she said it.

I get it.

You're in the doghouse and
you're afraid to go home, huh?

I ain't afraid to go home.

Hey, Arch. You want to get
Edith back in line,

you got to do what I did.

Awwww-- What?

When Mabel gave me a bad time,
I didn't stay out, I went home.

But I ignored her, made believe
she wasn't even there.

Ah, it wouldn't work with Edith.

I do that even when
I ain't mad at her.

Arch, you don't understand.

I gave her the cold shoulder.
I didn't even go near her.

Not downstairs, nor upstairs,
if you get my drift.

Oh, you done that, huh?

For two whole weeks.
Drove her right up the wall.

Hee-hee-hee!

Ah, no, that'd be punishing
Edith too hard.

You see, Arch, there's
your trouble right there.

You're too soft-hearted.

I know, Barney.
What am I gonna do?

That's the way I am.

Well, if you don't want
to do it the quiet way,

then you'd better
start hollering.

When a woman
gets out of line,

she wants to be
straightened out.

They're just like kids.

I know all that.

Yeah, I know you know all that.
But what are you doing about it?

Hmm?

Huh?

I'll show you what
I'm gonna do about it.

I'll see the two
of youse later.

Go get her, Arch!

[LAUGHS]
What's with you, Barney?

Did you see the look
on his face?

It's gonna be m*rder
at his house.

You've got him
all steamed up.

What are friends for?

Gloria!

Gloria!

Yeah, Michael, what is it?

I just saw your father
turning the corner.

He'll be here
any minute.

Oh, Ma. Did you hear that?

Yeah. I ain't looking
forward to this.

Now, don't you let him
walk all over you.

Gloria, let me
handle this my way.

And, please, this is private
between Archie and me.

Right, Ma.
We'll be upstairs.

I'm glad you're alone, Edith,
because there's some things--

You get away from me.
Huh?

I said, you get away from me,

unless you got something
to say to me.

I got something
to say to you.

You hit me!
And you hurt me!

And I demand
an apology!

It's you that's gotta
apologize to me.

I gotta?

That's like asking Pearl Harbor
to apologize to the Japs!

Oh, Archie.
I don't want to argue.

I've been worrying
about you all day.

Yeah, well,
you should've been!

Because you hit me
and you hurt me.

Did I ever hit you
for any reason?

I never gave you
any reason.

That don't make
no difference!

You know, a lot of wives
get belted by their husbands,

whether they deserve it or not.

Archie, I could forgive you
for hitting me,

but I don't think
I could ever forgive you

for making me hit you.

What does that mean?

It means you lied to me.

Listen, Edith, listen.

You know, I still ain't
got no feeling over here.

I was standing right here,
looking at you, smiling at you,

and you slugged the smile
right off of me.

Now, I demand an apology.

Archie, can I
read you something?

Don't read me nothing, Edith.
I want an apology.

This is an apology.

Well, I didn't ask you
to write it out.

But as long as you done that,
that's okay too.

All right. Go ahead.
Read it to me.

"I'm sorry
for what I've done.

"I don't know how I could have
done such a terrible thing

"to someone who's been
so good to me.

"I promise never to do it again.

I hope you can forgive me."

Good.

It ain't the fanciest writing
in the world,

but then you ain't no
Henry Woolworth Longfellow.

It's an apology
and, all right, then, I accept.

I didn't write this,
Archie, you did.

Huh?

Twenty years ago,

when I was gonna leave you
because you was gambling,

you wrote this.

I did not!

Oh, yeah. See, here it is,
your own handwriting.

"Dearest Edith, I'm sorry--"

Don't read it again,
will you?!

Now, you set me up
for that thing, Edith.

But that don't count.

You ain't gonna get away with
it. That letter's too old.

What I mean to say,
it's expired.

Archie,

all you've got to do is
change the date on this letter

and sign it right here
under the P.S. that you wrote.

See, "P.S., I swear to God
I'll never gamble again."

And while you're doing that,

I'll tell you how sorry
I am that I hit you.

Get me a pencil, Edith!

Look at her, she whips
it out like Matt Dillon.

Give it here.

You're a pip,
you know that, Edith?

A real...pip.

Edith!

Oh, hello, Archie.

There you are.
Yeah.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Edith.

Did you have the exterminator
in here today?

No.

Well, what were
you doing anyway?

You spraying for roaches
or something?

No.

Hold it. Hold it.
Stand back. Stand back.

I think that's
coming off of you.

Oh, Gloria let me use some
of that perfume you gave her.

Don't you--?

Don't you like it?

Ah, Edith, yeah, sure.

But, uh...I don't think
it's for indoors, you know.

I think that perfume
was for going out.

Uh, why don't you take a bath.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in The Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.