03x11 - The Locket

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Gloria, I can't
get that locket

out of my mind.

Aw, stop worrying,
Ma.

People do lose things,
you know.

I shouldn't have
worn it today,

but I wanted
to look my best.

I was serving tea

to the ladies
at the church.

You wouldn't think that anything
bad could happen to you

when you're doing something
religious.

Ma, you're just going to have
to try and forget about it.

I can't. Grandma gave
me that locket on her deathbed.

She put it around my neck
and she said,

"Edith, I want you to wear
this always to remember me by."

Those were her last words to me.

Those and,
"Don't marry Archie."

Gee, Ma, didn't anybody
in your family like Daddy?

Oh, yeah.

Who?

Me.

Look at the time.

Archie will be
here any minute

and I ain't even
started dinner.

Oh, I'm taking care
of that, Ma.

We're having
Chinese food.

From the Twin Dragons?

No, no, no. I found a recipe
for chicken chow mein

in the newspaper.

See, you make it
from leftovers.

But we ain't got
no leftover chicken.

I know, so I'm using
corned beef hash.

ARCHIE: Edith, where are you?

Is that you,
Archie?

No. It's Marcus Welby
making a house call.

I'm sorry, Archie.
I ain't myself today.

That could be an
improvement, Edith.

Archie, I got some
terrible news for you.

I got enough
of my own, Edith.

Somebody swiped
my lunch box

on the subway today.

Somebody swiped
your lunch box?

Oh, look at this.

Bad news
always brings more.

Do you mind?

Oh, my, then you
didn't have no lunch.

No.

I went across the street

to Liebewitz's
Kosher Deli, you know.

But wouldn't you know,

it's some kind
of Jewish holiday today.

Just when you need a Jew
the most, he's closed.

Dinner's ready!

Oh, great,
I'm starved.

Let me tell you something,
Meathead.

I'm going to eat you
under the table tonight.

Wait a minute.
wait a minute.

What do you call this here, huh?

Chicken chow mein.
I made it myself.

I don't see no chicken here.

That looks like corned beef hash
to me.

Well, it is.

We didn't have
any chicken.

Well, what the hell
is this other stuff here?

This looks like some kind
of burnt spaghetti.

It is spaghetti.

We didn't have
any Chinese noodles.

What the hell is Chinese
about this slop?

The name, Archie.
Chow mein.

Oh!

Come on, Daddy. Try it.
It's good for you.

It's kind of tasty
and it's very light.

Well, I'm glad to hear
it's light.

Then it won't hurt nobody when
you throw it out the window.

Edith, go out in
the kitchen, will you,

and get me something I can eat.

Get me my Cheerios
or my Cocoa Puffs or something.

Meantime, I'll watch
old pinko Cronkite on the news.

Wait a minute.

Where's the guts to my TV?

Hey, Edith!

What's the matter,
Archie?

Where's the guts
to my TV?

Oh, they couldn't fix it here.

They had to take it to the shop.

They say it needs
a new picture tube.

It's going to cost $ .

Oh, Edith,
I ain't got that kind of money.

Gee, the whole world
is out to get me today.

Me, too, Archie.

I lost Grandma's
gold locket today.

You got the nerve to mention
that old hunk of junk

in the same breath as my TV?

Archie! That locket
was worth a lot to me.

What worth?

An old piece of tin
from the Civil w*r?

It's old enough
to be an antique.

Ah!

I wore it into Mr. Snider's
jewelry shop last year

and he saw it and offered
me $ for it.

$ ? You never told me nothing
about that.

It ain't the money, Archie.

You know how I loved Grandma.

Now I ain't got nothing
to remember her by.

Oh-ho, maybe we can get you
something a whole lot better

to remember her by.

What do you mean?

Listen, that homeowner's
insurance policy we got.

That'll cover
that locket.

Oh, Archie, money can
never replace that locket.

Oh, money ain't gonna
replace the locket, Edith.

The locket will be replaced
by a brand-new color TV.

What new color TV?

The one we're gonna get,
Edith, with the $

the insurance company's gonna
give you for that locket.

But Mr. Snider said the locket
was only worth .

Ah, but, Edith,

you're forgetting your
sentimentual value, there.

That brings it up
another bucks.

Now, get the policy
and don't say no more.

But, Archie, I--
You're saying more.

Now, get the policy, huh?

Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha!

Well, it looks like today

ain't gonna turn out
to be so bad after all.

And I could eat
my Cocoa Puffs here

if I had my milk and my bowl

and my special spoon
from the World's Fair.

I'll get it.

Double-header today, huh, Arch?

What do you mean by that?

You're going to cheat
the insurance company and Ma.

Why don't you mind
your own beeswax, huh?

Here you are, Daddy.

Well, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

That ain't my special spoon
from the World's Fair.

What's the difference?

There's a lot of difference,
little girl.

What's so special about a spoon?

Because that spoon happens
to fit my mouth.

The same way your foot
fits your mouth.

Now, will you go get
the World's Fair spoon?

All right,
but it's silly.

You know something?

I bet you
that if I blindfolded you

you couldn't tell
those spoons apart.

You'd lose, wiseguy.

You want to put a quarter on it?

You want to lose
a quarter?

I'll put a quarter down.
Come on, put it up.

You want a bet?
There, you got a bet.

All right. Gloria,
blindfold your father.

I don't need
no blindfold.

I can just close
my eyes and tell.

What's going on?

I bet him he can't tell
the spoons apart.

I got my eyes shut.
Put the spoons in my hand.

No, no, no, no.

You'll be able
to tell the spoons

by feeling the handles.

Gloria will
hold the spoons.

You feed him, Gloria.

Go ahead.

All right, Daddy,
you keep your eyes closed.

I got 'em closed.

No peeking.

No peeking.

Okay, open your mouth.

Ah.

Well?

Uh...

Hah! You can't tell
the difference.

Wait a minute,
will you, Meathead?

Give me a chance with
the other one there.

Go ahead.

Okay, Daddy, here's
the other one.

Gloria! Don't force
him to eat that

if he don't want it.

That's the one!

I got it.
That's my spoon.

Pay me off the quarter.

Wrong! I've been holding
your World's Fair spoon

the whole time.
You owe me a quarter. Pay up.

You ain't gonna get the quarter.

The bet is off.

Because why?
Because you are a lousy crook.

Now give me my
World's Fair spoon,

because you ain't even
worthy to hold it.

Here's the policy,
Archie.

Good.

Now, first thing Monday morning
I'm gonna take this policy

down to the guy
who sold it to me,

Joe Peterson,
an old VFW buddy of mine,

and he's going to take care
of yours truly, personally.

Uh, I'm going
to have to ask you

a very important
question, Arch,

and be careful
how you answer.

Was the locket lost
or was it stolen?

Uh, what's
the difference?

bucks.

Huh?

According to your policy,

if the locket was stolen,
you're covered.

But if it
was lost...

Stolen, stolen, stolen.

That's lucky, Arch.

For a minute there,
I thought you'd said lost.

No, that's just my way
of talking, you know?

Anytime an item gets stole
from me, I always say it's lost.

It sounds nicer.
Yes.

Agnes, make a note for me
to call Ed Wagner

at Ben Franklin Mutual
later.

Wagner's an old buddy
of mine.

Any claim I send over
to Wagner...

Hey, what else is
an old buddy for, huh?

Okay, Arch, you want to give me
the details for the record?

Yeah, well, Edith
was out shopping, see.

She was wearing
the locket

then all of a sudden
she looked down

and there, hanging
from around her neck,

was no locket.

Arch, that wouldn't cut no ice.
It could've fallen off.

No, no, it
didn't fall off.

It was stolen, Joe.
Yeah, I know it was stolen.

But I'm afraid we'll need
a few more details.

Like, uh...

Like, uh...
who could've stolen it.

Did she see anybody
suspicious nearby?

Yeah.

Yeah, I was
just coming to that, Joe.

Good.
Go ahead.

Uh, just before it happened,

Edith was looking
over her shoulder, see,

and there, running like hell
around the corner,

was the neighborhood mugger.

Neighborhood mugger?

Yeah.
Every neighborhood's got one.

Did, uh, Edith describe him?

No, uh, she don't
know him too good.

You mean he ran away too fast

before your wife
had a good look at him.

You took the words
right out of my mouth.

And did you report
this to the police?

Uh... You got
to do that?

Yeah, if you want to collect.

Oh, jeez.
You didn't do that?

You'd better go right down
to the police station

and make it official.

Guess I'd better go
right down to the police

and make it official, yeah.

But don't go until
you sign the form.

Yeah. Oh, ain't that
a shame, Joe?

I thought I could
walk in here

and walk out
with the check.

Well, I'll get it
to you Friday night

at the latest.

I'll bring it over
to the house personally.

Oh, gee, Joe,

that's awful nice
of you there.

By the way, uh,
tell Edith I'm sorry.

About what?

About the locket.

Oh, yeah,
about the locket.

Oh, well, see, we look
at it this way.

Like we, uh, didn't
just lose a locket, see.

We gained
a new color TV.

Well, let me get
this straight, Ma.

The police found
the locket?

Yeah.

Wasn't Archie smart,
reporting it, huh?

Yeah, they made me go
down to the police station

and identify it.

It was so exciting.

Well, where'd they find it?

In a man's pocket.

Huh?

Yeah, the pocket
of a man called Red Delaney.

He's the one that stole it.

They took me in to see
the lineup, oh!

'Course, they didn't really need
me to recognize him

because they knew
who he was already.

It was a lot like in Mannix,

only the cops
wasn't as good-looking.

Where are you
going now, Ma?

Oh, I forgot to do
the shopping,

I was so excited.

It'll just take
me minutes.

I'll tell you all
about it later.

Okay, Ma.

Oh, Gloria!

Hi, Ma.

Oh, Gloria,
ain't it wonderful?

What's wonderful,
Michael?

Gloria,
what is wonderful

is that we have
the house

all to ourselves
for minutes.

Let's celebrate.

Wait a minute, Michael.
wait a minute.

What are we
celebrating?

They found Ma's locket.

Oh, fantastic.

Okay, let's celebrate.

Good.

[DOOR OPENING]

Oh, look at this.

Adam and Eve nipping
at the forbidden fruit again.

Supposed to do that
behind closed doors, you know.

It was closed
until you opened it.

All right, fellas,
bring it right in.

Right this way,
here we go.

GLORIA: Daddy,
what's going on?

I am taking delivery
on a new TV set.

Put it right over there
by the wall, fellas.

Feast your eyes
on inches of living color.

Right over there
by the plug, boys.

And hook it
up fast, huh?

Because in about
minutes

I think a ball game
is coming on.

Daddy, there's something
I hate to tell--

Let me enjoy myself.

You know, there's about three
great moments in a man's life.

When he buys a house and a car
and a new color TV.

That's what America's all about.

Look, Arch, you
better listen.

Leave me alone.

There you go,
Mr. Bunker. All set.

Will you sign
here, please?

Oh, yeah.

Just show me where to put
my John Handcrock, here.

There. There you go.

And right here, I got
your check for you.

Thanks.

You know this was
an extra delivery.

We squeezed you in
as sort of a favor,

know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
sure, sure.

Daddy.

I'm busy, little girl.

Uh, here's a half a buck.
Take care of your buddy.

Look at this, Angelo.

A whole half a buck.

Why don't you tell him
what he can do with it?

I'd rather see him
do it with the TV set.

Oh, look at this.

Ain't that a little
beauty there?

Let me tell
you something.

I saved myself
bucks

buying that right
off of the floor.

Daddy, they found
Ma's locket.

What?

That's what we've been
trying to tell you.

What do you mean
they found Mom's locket?

Arch, you can't accept
the insurance check

to pay for this.

I got to accept
the insurance check

to cover the check
I just gave them two guys.

Daddy, you better
get that check back

or it's going
to bounce.

Oh, holy jeez.

Hurry up.
Get them!

Hey, fellas!
Hey, fellas!

There goes
the truck.

Sure, that's
delivery men.

They're always
slow coming

and fast leaving.

Let me call the bank.

Maybe I can put
a stopper on the check.

Arch, you can't
do that.

You already accepted
delivery on the TV.

You can get in
trouble for that.

That's right.
Now what am I gonna do?

Get away from me,
will you?

Let me think.

Wait a minute, wait--
Where's your mother?

Well, she's out
for a few minutes.

Listen, if Joe Peterson
gets here with the check

before your mother comes back,

I don't have to tell him your
mother got the locket back.

Yeah, but she did.

But she didn't tell me that.

Well, so what?
We told you.

You!

You told me you was going
to support my daughter.

Why the hell should I believe
anything you say?

Now, I'll handle
this, see.

Gloria, Gloria,
come on now. Come on.

Be a good
little girl.

Do Daddy a favor, huh?

Here, get your coat
and put it on.

Now go out in the street

and run up and down
there, see.

When you see your mother,
just head her off.

Daddy, you won't let Ma
in her own house

because you know
she won't lie for you.

I don't want her
to lie for me.

I just want her
to stay away

and keep her mouth
shut for me.

Arch, it's
the same thing.

It ain't the same thing,
Meathead!

It's like the all-American
horse trading, see.

A guy goes in to buy a horse.

He don't ask
if it's blind in one eye

and the owner don't tell him.

See, that ain't lying,
that's business.

That's right, Arch,
that's business,

and it starts
right at the top

with our own government
feeding us lies.

If your government
tells you a lie,

it's for your own good.

Like what I'm doing here
is for your own good.

Leave me alone.

Go on, do what I told
you to do, huh?

I got to call
Joe Peterson.

Daddy, what do you mean,
"for our own good"?

Was the ITT scandal
for our own good?

And what about the bugging
of the Democratic headquarters?

I'm worrying about saving a TV,

and they're screaming at me
about a little bugging.

A little bugging?

Arch, that's an
invasion of privacy,

a right guaranteed
us by the Constitution.

People have fought
and died for that.

Come on, Arch, you
should understand that.

You, of all people.

Why'd you go out
and fight the Nazis?

I was drafted.

Now will you get out of here
and do what I tell you, huh?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

No, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

There's the bell.

That could be Peterson
at the door.

I don't want you
talking to him.

Go on out
the back way.

No, no, Arch, we're going
out the front way

and we're going
to keep going.

We don't want any part of this.
Come on, Gloria.

Don't you say nothing there.
Uh, Mr. Bunker?

No, no, he's
right over here.

The good, old-fashioned
American horse trader.

Come on, Gloria.

How do you do, sir?

I'm from Benjamin
Franklin Mutual.

Uh, well, where's Joe Peterson?

Oh, I'm handling
this claim myself.

Oh, I get it.
You're the buddy, Wagner.

No, but Mr. Wagner
works for me.

My name is Fairchild

and I'm here to talk
to you about your claim.

Oh, well, you got the check?

Right here, Mr. Bunker.

Oh, well, Mr. Fairchild,
as you can see,

I was just going out the door.

So why don't you
slip me the check

and I can be on my way.

Well, not quite
that fast, sir.

You see, I have a couple
of questions to ask.

May I come in?

Yeah, well,
Mr. Fairchild,

you know, I really--
I ain't got much time.

Well, this isn't going
to take much time.

May I sit down?

You see, Mr. Fairchild,

I'm an awful
quick answerer,

so couldn't we
just have

a little give-and-take
standing up here?

Well, actually,
Mr. Bunker, you see,

it's your wife
that I want to talk to.

There are just one or two
points in this claim

that are a little fuzzy.

Yeah, Mr. Fairchild,
but, uh,

if you think you're
going to unfuzz them

by talking to my wife,
you're wrong.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

A-ha! That may be
Mrs. Bunker now.

No, no, my wife always
got her own key.

Wait a minute.

It's one of
the neighbors.

I'll only be two minutes.

Wait here.

Archie, they found
my locket.

Shh! I know that, Edith.

Take a walk around
the block, huh?

What for?

What for? I don't know.

Count the fire hydrants
or something.

Why?

Ah, Mrs. Bunker?

Yeah.

Won't you come in?

Are you coming, Archie?

I'm Mr. Fairchild

from the Benjamin Franklin
Insurance Company.

Oh, yeah.
How do you do?

How do you do?

I'll just put these bags
in the kitchen

and I'll be
right with you.

Mr. Fairchild, sit
down in the chair.

I want to tell you
something about my wife.

Don't be asking her
too many questions

because she's a very
nervous person

around strangers, see.

Come, come,
Mr. Bunker.

That locket wasn't stolen.
It was lost.

It was stolen, Mr. Fairchild.

FAIRCHILD:
Stolen?

Yeah.

Then in that case,

would you please give me
a complete description

of the man who took it?

Oh, no, no.

She couldn't do that,
Mr. Fairchild.

Oh, yeah, I can.

He was feet,
inches tall,

brown hair, blue eyes,
very thin,

and a fever blister
on his lower lip.

Don't overdo it, huh?

You wouldn't happen
to know his name too?

No, no, no, she
don't know his name.

Oh, yeah.

Red Delaney.

Mr. Bunker, why didn't you tell
this to Mr. Peterson?

Well, listen, I mean,
I would have done that,

but it's awful hard to drag
the truth out of my wife.

I don't know
how you done it.

You must got a way
with you, you know?

Would you just give
me a few moments

to add these new facts
to your claim

and I'll be
right with you?

Yeah, you take all
the time you want there.

Edith, come here
a minute, will ya?

Come here.
Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Why?

I ain't never seen
you lie before.

Archie,
I wasn't lying--

Shush. Shush.

He swallowed
that baloney

hook, line, and sinker,

but after all,
I'm your husband.

But, Archie, I wouldn't--
Edith, I don't care.

Just quit while
you're ahead, huh?

FAIRCHILD: Now,
Mrs. Bunker,

your claim seems to be in order,

so if you will
just be kind enough

to sign this right there.

Sure. What is it?

Oh, it's just
a simple statement

saying that your
locket was stolen

and you know nothing
of its whereabouts.

Just sign
the statement, Edith,

and we get the check.

But I do know
where the locket is.

Huh?
Yeah.

No.
Yeah.

No!
Yeah.

The police have it.

Aw, jeez.
The police?

Yeah,
they're holding it for evidence

till after the trial.

The trial of Red Delaney?

Yeah, the trial of Red Delaney.
"The trial of Red Delaney."

Oh, that sounds just like
a movie, don't it, Archie?

Look, we got a new TV set!

Well, that is that.

I'm sure you must be
very happy, Mrs. Bunker.

I know I am,

and the company
will be delighted.

Oh, I just love
happy endings,

don't you, Archie?

Now, you just call me
anytime you want me,

and remember,

Benjamin Franklin is
there when you need us.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, and thank you.

Archie,

can I ask you
a question?

Of course you
may, Edith.

Did you really think
I was lying?

Oh, Edith.

I mean, with $ waltzing
out the door that way,

do you really think
I give a damn?

But I told
the truth, Archie.

That's always
the best thing to do.

Aw, the best thing to do.

Let me ask you a question,
Edith.

Sure.

How is it always
when you do the best thing,

it turns out the worst?

Hurry up, Michael.

The documentary
you wanted to see

is on
in a few minutes.

Hold it, hold it,
little girl.

Give me that
remote control.

Documentary, my foot.

I'm bucks in the hole
over that television set.

We're going to watch
what I want to watch,

which happens to be the fights.

Oh, Daddy.

There.

Now what's this?

It's supposed to be
instant on, here.

See, is it plugged in there,
Meathead?

Yeah.

Why don't it come on?

There, there.

Come on, get on there.

It's a brand-new set.

This thing's supposed
to work perfect, here.

Did you ask them

if the remote control
was working?

You don't ask questions
like that

about a brand-new piece
of equipment.

Arch, you bought a horse
with a blind eye.

Yeah, Daddy,
that's not lying.

That's business.

That's what America's
all about.

♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.