03x08 - Mike Comes Into Money

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

"Aha...

"Ahead...

Ahoy"...

Oh, hi, Ma.

Oh, Gloria,
I'm glad you're home.

Maybe you can help me.

Sure, Ma. What with?

How do you spell "aa-ooga"?

What?

How do you spell "aa-ooga"?

I've been looking it up
in the dictionary,

but they don't have it.

I don't think
I ever heard that word before.

What do you
need it for, Ma?

I'm writing a true
humorous anecdote

for the Reader's Digest.

If they like it,
they'll pay me $ .

Do you want to
read it to me?

Oh, no, it ain't good enough
to read yet.

I just wrote it in pencil.

It'll be much better
when I write it in pen.

Come on, Ma.

I want to hear it.

All right.

"Once upon a time,
when I was years old,

"my cousin Frank
drove up in his new car,

a used Hupmobile."

Oh, I'll never forget that car.

It had a running board

and a thermometer
on the radiator cap

and everything.

Come on, Ma, read me the rest.

Oh, yeah.

"Cousin Frank drove up and said,

"'Who wants to go for a ride?'

"Well, of course,
we all said, 'I do,'

"so he cranked up the car,
and the whole family piled in.

"'Here we go,'
said Cousin Frank and...

and blew his horn, 'aa-ooga.'"

"Aa-ooga."

Now, this is where
you can help me, Gloria.

I can say "aa-ooga,"

but I don't know
how to write it.

Well, I'll help you
with that later,

but finish the story, Ma.
Okay.

"Cousin Frank started the car.

"Everybody cheered, 'Hooray,'
and waved goodbye.

"We drove all the way up
to the corner,

and while we were still waving,
the car broke down."

And then what happened?

Oh, lots, but it ain't funny.

I just wrote the funny part.

Do you like it?

Oh, yeah, Ma,
I like it.

Then why ain't
you laughing?

Oh, well, I--

I'm just kind of
tired from work,

but it was
a funny story, Ma.

[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]

Do we have
any coffee?

Oh, yeah, I just
made some fresh.

Oh, I'll get it.

ARCHIE:
Leave me alone,
will you?

Just get away from me.
No!

You got to think
about these things.

Why should I think
about pollution?

I'm used to it.

Ain't this nice?

Both men coming home
at the same time.

How was your day?

Oh, it was rough,
Ma--

Wait a minute.

She's asking me
about my day,

not yours.

Since when do you
own the day?

I had a day too.

But she's asking me
about my day,

right, Edith?
EDITH: Oh, yeah.

I was going to ask you, Mike,

but I was asking
Archie first.

How was your day?

I don't want
to talk about it.

Oh.

Well, then, how
was your day, Mike?

Well--

Like all his other days.
Unemployed.

Look, Arch,
don't start with me.

I had a rough day
today

and I don't
need you--

[BOTH ARGUING LOUDLY]

Stop it, both of you,

stop it!

Just once I'd like
to leave work

and enjoy a quiet
evening at home.

Don't complain to me.
Complain to him.

I was coming home from work,

feeling like
the Bluebeard of happiness.

I meet this guy out
in the street there

and right away
he starts an argument with me.

What are you
talking about, Arch?

I think we'll
all feel better

with a nice, hot meal.

I'll get dinner.

Hi, Michael, honey.

Hi, honey.

Aw, cut that out,
will you?

It sounds like a whole lot
of used plumbing back there.

How did your day
go today?

Oh, I'm really tired,
Gloria.

I had a tough exam,

then I just
spent three hours

down at McGovern
headquarters

on the phone.

Oh, yeah, well,

I hear it takes a while
to get through to the Kremlin.

Daddy,
how many times

have I got
to tell you--?

Gloria, Gloria, Gloria,
that's all right.

That's all right.
Let him keep talking.

Maybe one of these days
he'll say something intelligent.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Like that.

How crude, Daddy.

Dinner will be
another five minutes,

so I thought
you'd like a beer.

Yeah, all right,

just leave it
there, will you?

Look at these
damn bills here.

Consolidated Edison.

Here's one.
The phone company.

The water bill here.
Look at this, $ . .

Lucky me.

I got the only Polack
who showers regularly.

Here's a dime, Arch.

Oh, a dime ain't gonna pay
for all of your showers.

No, but it'll
pay for yours.

Shut up.

Come on, Arch,
why are you uptight?

Took your mind off
the bills, didn't it?

Here's something
for you here,

and wouldn't you know,

eight cents
postage due.

Even his mail
is on the cuff, Edith.

Oh, boy.

Will you go get supper
on the table, huh?

Gloria,
let's set the table.

All right, Ma.

Hey, Gloria...

I inherited $ .

What?

What's that? You inherited $ ?

Yeah, my
Uncle Alex died.

Who's Uncle Alex?

Well, the last time
I saw him,

I was around
years old.

He was
the first Stivick

to come over
from Poland to America.

He made it big here

and he sent money for
my father to come over.

Ain't that interesting, Archie?

If it wasn't for his Uncle Alex,

Mike would be in Poland
right now.

Out of respect for the dead,
I ain't going to say nothing.

Michael, this check
is only for $ .

Yeah, well,
it explains here

that they took out
the difference

to recover my
uncle's back taxes.

Oh.

Gee, almost half.
I don't believe it.

Wow.

I never thought I'd live
to see the day

when the meathead
would have a tax problem.

See, that's
the difference

between you and me, Arch.

I don't mind paying taxes
if I know that the money's

going to be used
for good things.

But do you know what Nixon's
going to do with my money?

He's going to use it
to buy a b*mb

and blow up
a Vietnamese village.

That's for your
protection, buddy.

You want them gooks

riding the subways
with you?

That's right, Arch.

That's every
Oriental's dream,

to ride the I.R.T.

Michael, $
is a lot of money.

Are we going to
save it or spend it?

Well, I don't know.
I got to think about it.

Uh, yeah, well,

maybe I could help you
with that problem.

Why don't you
look around, see?

And find out if you
owe anybody anything.

And then pay
that person.

I don't owe
anybody, Arch.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

What about
your landlord,

which happens
to be I?

What about
living here free,

room and board,
for two years?

Not to mention
the depreciation

on your bedroom
up there.

Arch, I've been
keeping a record

of every penny
I owe you,

but don't you
remember the deal?

I stay here
till I finish school

and get a job,

and then I'll pay you back,
with interest.

By the time
that happens,

I'll be rooming
with your Uncle Alex.

Look, Arch...

Arch, believe me, if there was
an emergency here,

I'd give you
this check

without thinking
twice about it,

but right now,

I'd like to use the money
for something special.

Something special?
What?

Well, like, uh...

Like getting Gloria

that winter coat
she's been needing.

Oh, Michael, really?

Yeah.

Oh, thank you, honey.

Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
A winter coat.

How much is that going to take?

I don't know.
How much?

Uh, around $ .

$ .

Well, all right,

what are you going to do with
the other 'round about $ ?

Well, that I'd like to use

for something
really important.

Like what?

Like giving it
to the McGovern campaign.

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not
kidding, Arch.

There's a real emergency.
Don't you see?

The election's
only two weeks away

and they need
the money desperately.

Do you mean to say

that you'd give $
to them people

and forget all about
your own family here?

Arch, I'm doing it
for my family,

because I want to keep us
living in a democracy.

What the hell are
you talking about?

I'm talking about the fact

that the Republicans
have over $ million,

while the Democrats
had to put on a telethon

just to keep
their heads above water.

Your head is under water!

You hear this guy,
Gloria?

Are you gonna stand there?

You hear what your
husband is saying?

You're going to
let him do that?

Why not?

Arch, don't you see?

The party
with the money

can afford to buy
TV and radio time

to get their message
across to the people.

The other party
doesn't stand a chance!

Before you know it,

you've lost
the two-party system.

Gee, it's getting
like politics in America

is only for the rich.

Who's been feeding you
that commie crapola?

President Eisenhower said that.

He did not!

Eisenhower was
a great president

who never
said nothing.

He did too, Daddy.

Eisenhower made that statement
in .

I saw it in the Reader's Digest.

Oh! I wonder if they
paid him $ .

And I wonder if you

could get the supper
on the table!

$ . I can't believe it.

I can't believe
that you'd give $

to them McGoverns.

Why not, Arch?

I want to help him
get his message across.

I can tell you
McGovern's message

in three words.
What?

"I wanna be president."

Message ended.

Well, McGovern
should be president.

Nixon hasn't kept
any of his promises.

He promised
to end the w*r,

to reduce unemployment
and to stop inflation.

Don't be picking on a man
over minor details like that!

The American people
don't elect a president

over that stuff anyhow.

They don't like
a guy like McGovern,

who's running around
changing his mind all the time.

They want a man like Nixon,
who don't change for nothing.

You're right about that, Arch.

He keeps making
the same mistakes

over and over again.

Listen,

I don't want to hear
nothing more from you,

because you've been
freeloading here off of me

for the last two years,
I ain't said a word.
What?!

What are you
talking about?

Daddy, you pick
on him all the time!

All you've been doing
is complaining!

Don't run away.
Don't run away from the facts.

For the first time in your life,
a miracle happens.

You get a little lump of dough
in your fist.

You could do the right thing
and give it to me,

but you don't see it that way.

How does anybody
get through to you?

Dinner!

Oh, that's how they
get through to him!

Look at him,
running for the chow,

like Rin-Tin-Tin.
Oh, Archie, give it up.

Daddy,

if Michael wants
to give his money

to a worthy cause,
that's his business.

Listen,
where's your family feeling?

You went to Sunday school,
didn't you? Huh?

Try and remember
what the Bible says

about charity.

"It's better to give
than to receive."

That's Aesop's fables.

The Good Book says

that charity
begins and ends at home.

Look at him there.
He's eating so fast,

sparks are flying

out of his
knife and fork.

I'll eat
in the kitchen!

You could eat
on the porch.

It's still the food
I paid for, buddy!

Oh, Archie, don't
talk to him like--

And you, my wife,
cooking for him!

I don't mind.

That's going
to stop now,

until he starts

chipping in
for something.

Well,

if that's the way
you want it, okay.

I'm working,
so I'll pay for the food,

and what's more,
I'll cook for him!

I can, you know. I can cook!

This is your father
you're talking to here.

And in case you're
worried about tonight,

anything we eat, I'll pay for!

You hear
your daughter,

turning on her father
that way?

years,

I never heard her
open her yap like that!

But she's just
sticking up

for her husband.

[GROWLS]

For the life of me,

I'll never
understand women.

The way they marry
some guy who goes

and makes a damn
fool of himself,

but still,
they love him.

That's right, Archie.

Oh, hi, Gloria.

How was your day?

I don't have time
to talk, Ma.

I got to start
Michael's dinner.

Oh, dear, I wish we could all
get back to eating together,

the same food

in the same room
at the same time.

Talk to Daddy
about that.

Well, I tried to this morning,

but he's still mad.

Why are you home
so late, Gloria?

Well, I stopped by the school
to vote

and so did everybody else.

You should have seen that line.

Ma, what's your laundry
doing in the refrigerator?

I'm keeping it damp,

because I'm gonna iron it
right after dinner.

Ma, please,

I can't get through
to my vegetables.

All right, Gloria.

You don't have
to get so upset!

After all,
I'm just as worked up

about the last
couple of weeks

as you.

Why didn't you vote
this morning?

Your store gave you
the time off.

Because I wanted
to spend some time with Michael.

I never see him anymore
except dinner time.

Well, why does he
have to run off to the library

every night?

Why can't he study at home?

Because he needs
special books, Ma.

Ma, where's my tomato?

What?

I bought two
tomatoes yesterday

and I used one
last night,

and I was saving one
for tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry,
Gloria.

I must have put it
in Archie's stew.

Ma, how could you
do that?

I was saving
that tomato

special for Michael.

I said I was sorry,
Gloria.

It looked like
a regular tomato.

Didn't have no name
on it or nothing.

Something's burning.

[GASPS]

My rolls!

[GASPS]

Look at them.
They're all burned.

How did the oven get up to ?

I did that, Ma.

I was getting it ready
for my hamburgers.

Well, didn't you
see my rolls?

Sorry, Ma, I didn't look.
I was in too much of a hurry.

Excuse me, please.

Well, you just
went and ruined

your father's
whole dinner!

Not his whole dinner.
Just the rolls.

Well, with Archie,

the rolls
are the best part

of the stew.

What?

Well, how do you
expect him

to sop up the gravy?

Well, what do you
want me to do?

Oh, I don't know.

Here, Ma, use one
of our buns.

Well, that
won't do no good.

That's
a hamburger bun.

With stew,

Archie has to have
his Parker House.

What do you want me to do?
I don't know!

All I know is, you ruined
your father's dinner!

I said I was sorry!

Excuse me for living!

What is all
the hollering out here?

Nothing!

For a minute I thought

I was in the back room
of a Greek restaurant.

What's the matter with you?

Can't you act
refined?

Daddy, doesn't it
bother you

to come home
and find Ma and me

practically at
each other's throats?

Don't you care?
Sure I do.

I told youse
to shut up, didn't I?

It's all your fault,
Daddy,

that we're both
in that kitchen

cooking two
separate meals,

running into one another,
getting on each other's nerves.

That's your husband's fault.
You talk to him.

He come into $ , here.

He had the chance
to do the right thing

for this here family, but
what the hell does he care?

Well, what the hell
do you expect him to do?

How dare you curse
in this house?

You're not the only father
who ever helped his kid.

The meathead ain't my kid!

And don't you call
him "Meathead."

He is my husband

and when you help him,
you help me.

Look, Daddy,
didn't your father

ever make sacrifices
for you?

No!

Well, wouldn't you
have liked him to?

I mean,
all fathers do that.

That's what a family's
all about.

Don't tell me
what a family's all about.

Look, Daddy,
we made a deal.

You're giving us
room and board

and we take care
of everything else.

We take care
of clothes and movies

and Michael's books,
everything!

That was the deal!
What's my end of that deal?

We're gonna pay you back
every penny, with interest,

as soon as Michael
finishes school

and starts working.
Case closed!

Wait a minute--
Case closed!

All right.

Case closed!

Except for
one more thing.

You've got
the satisfaction

of knowing that you're
helping your child

be better off
than you.

Every father wants his kid
to be better than him.

That don't always work
that way, little girl.

You look at the world
around you, there.

Take a look
at your animal kingdom,

for example, there.

I mean, take your gorilla.

Your gorilla wants his kid
to grow up better than him too,

but the kid grows up

and there he is,
still a gorilla.

What?

Hello.

Speaking of which.

Hi, Michael, honey.
Hi.

Did you vote?
Oh, yeah.

You should have
seen the turnout

at the polls.
It was great.

Yeah,
it's the first time in weeks

you're home at a decent hour,
there, Meathead.

Ain't you going
to the library tonight?

It's Election Day, Daddy.
The library's closed.

Aw, gee,

that's too bad.

It's always more pleasanter
around here

when the library is open.

If you want to argue tonight,
Daddy,

you argue
with yourself.

Come on, Michael.

EDITH:
Dinner.

Gloria,

your dinner's
ready too.

Hi, Mike.
Hi, Ma.

Gee, that stew
smells great.

Yeah, well, you just
smell it, Meathead,

and head for
the kitchen.

Your grub's
out there.

Come on, Michael.
Dinner.

I'm coming.

Michael, how much longer

do I have to
cover for you

with that library story?

Please, can't we tell them
you're working?

No, not yet, Gloria.

I don't want to tell him

until I make back the $
I gave to McGovern.

Well, how much
have you got so far?

.

Oh, is that all?

Well, Gloria,
it'll only take another week.

What's for dinner?

Hamburgers.

Again?

I thought
you like hamburgers.

I do, but not every day.

Every other day.

Last night, I made you meatloaf.

Gloria, hamburger is meatloaf.

It's the same thing
with a different name.

Can't you make
something else?

Michael, I work hard all day

and then rush
around this kitchen like crazy

to make your dinner,
and all you do is complain.

You can thank your stupid,
pigheaded father for that.

Hold it. Don't you
call my father names

just because you had
a fight with him.

That's not being fair,
and maybe we're not being fair.

Maybe we should look at things
from his point of view.

That would be impossible,
Gloria.

We'd have to close
our minds first.

Michael, there are two sides
to everything.

Remember, it's not only

that you didn't
give Daddy the money,

but you gave it to somebody
he's dead against.

Gloria, whose side
are you on, anyway?

I'm on your side!

I'm always on your side!

It's just that I haven't
been home more than minutes

and already I've had a fight
with my father and my mother

and now you!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.

Oh, shut up and eat
your meatloaf!

It's hamburgers.

It's the same thing!

Archie,
do you hear them?

You'd better
go in there.

Nah. As soon
as she feeds him,

everything
will quiet down.

Oh, no, you got to do something.

Things is going to get
worse and worse.

It's like that old saying,

"A house divided by itself
falls down."

I got another
old saying for you, Edith.

"A bird
that always flies in a fog

is called a dingbat."

Gloria,

these hamburgers are great.

See? What'd I tell you?

He's eating, all is happiness.

What channel
should we watch?

Well...

Hold it, hold it!

Don't be talking about watching
no channels over there!

I'm going to watch
a movie, Channel .

Give me my
remote control.

Arch, we want to watch
the election returns.

You care more
about a lousy movie

than you do
a presidential election?

Certainly!
What do I care about something

I know
how it's going to come out?

Everybody knows
how it's going to come out,

including them McGovern people.

See them on the newsreels

with all the worried looks
on their faces?

Not the Nixons.

See the picture of Pat
in the paper today?

She was all smiles.

Yeah, well,

maybe she won't be
smiling tomorrow.

Yes, she will, buddy boy,

because when she wakes up
tomorrow morning,

she knows she's been sleeping

with the president
of the U.S. of A.

Is she going to
McGovern's place

or is he
going to hers?

Oh, I don't think
Mr. Nixon would like that

either way.

Come on, Daddy,

we want to watch
the election returns.

Turn it on.
Yeah, come on!

You want to watch
the television,

then chip in a little bit
for the upkeep,

the wear and tear and all that.
All right.

Don't start with that again.
Forget it, all right?

We'll go watch from
McGovern headquarters.

Right, right, because you got
$ worth of TV watching

coming to you down there.
You didn't pay for nothing here.

You ain't entitled to nothing.

All right!
All right!

That's it!
That's it!

I was gonna wait

until I had all
the money saved up,

but since you're
so damn hungry

for your money, Arch,

here you are.
$ . You happy?

Hey. Hey.
Look at this.

Hey, Edith,
there's really bucks

the guy has got here.

You mean you didn't
give this money to the McGoverns

after all?

I did give it to McGovern, Arch.

Well, where'd you get this,
then?

You play a number?

No, Daddy, he earned it.

He wasn't
at the library

studying
the last two weeks.

He was going to school
during the day

and then working nights
at the gas station

so that he could
pay you.

Oh, Archie!

Ain't you
proud of him?

Gee whiz.

You mean the meathead
was actually working at a job?

That's right, Arch.

That's right,

and between school
and that job,

I worked my butt off
to get you that money.

That's right,

and just the way
I got you that money,

I'm going to get you
every nickel I owe you!

Are you satisfied, Daddy?

Oh, well,
I hear him talking over there,

but, uh...

when am I going to see
this other here?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Did you see what she did?
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

That's right,
Arch.

[ALL YELLING]

Oh, there comes
Mr. Nixon

out of
the voting booth.

I wonder
who he voted for.

Who do you think he voted for?

He voted for himself.

Just like
I told you, Arch.

He keeps making
the same mistakes

over and over again.

[GIGGLES]

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.