03x07 - The Bunkers and the Swingers

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Ma, would you
zip me up, please?

It's stuck.

Oh, sure, Gloria.

Hi.

Michael, you're late.
Where have you been?

Never mind.
You got to get dressed.

I am dressed.

We're going to the ballet.

So what? What do you
want me to wear, a leotard?

Michael, will you hurry up
and get dressed?

Ma, wouldn't you know it?

The one night that we have
tickets to the ballet,

and he's got to be late.

Where's my purse?

Oh, there it is.

Hold still, Gloria.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ma.

There.

Thank you.
[TIMER RINGS]

Oh, there's
my Cupid's Delight.

Your what?

My Cupid's Delight.

It's a new pie recipe
I found in a magazine.

Oh!

How do you like it
so far?

It's a nice crust, Ma.

What are you
going to put in it?

Oh, I'm going to put in
spiced apples

and spiced peaches
and spiced raisins.

I hope it won't be
too spicy for them.

Them? Are you expecting
company tonight?

Oh, no, not tonight.

Tomorrow night, we have
very special company.

Mr. and Mrs. Rempley.

They're coming over
tomorrow night

for dessert and coffee.

That's why
I'm making the pie.

Mr. and Mrs. Rempley...

Have I ever met them?

No. Neither have I.

I don't understand.

We're pen pals.

Ma, you got pen pals?

I didn't know that.

From what country?

Oh, they ain't from any country.

They're from New Jersey.

They were in this
Now Family magazine.

See? I found it
on the subway.

And right here, see,
in the "swap" section,

where they swap
unusual things, you know,

and, well, here,

this is really
an unusual ad.

"Swap Section:

"Mature, lonely couple
seeking new friends.

"Warm, affectionate, fun-loving.

"Looking for company of
lonely but compatible couple

who want to swap good times."

Ain't that sweet?

People instead of things.

And you answered
this ad?

Oh, yeah,
and just this morning,

I got a letter back
from the wife,

Mrs. Ruth Rempley,

and she sounds
just like the ad,

affectionate and warm
and fun-loving.

Ma, what would make you
write to these people?

Well, Gloria,

since you started working,
there's nobody to talk to,

and I thought it'd be nice
to have somebody to write to.

But, Ma, I don't think
that these are--

Come on, Gloria. I'm ready.

Wait a minute, Michael.
We can't go yet.

You see, Ma--

Gloria, come on.

You hurried me
to get dressed.

Let's go.

Uh, Michael,

Ma's having
special company over

tomorrow night.

Yeah.

Great. Come on.

Michael, you got
to read this.

Gloria,
I'll read it later.

These tickets cost
seven bucks.

But Michael, this is
Ma's special company.

Read it.

"Swap Section:

Mature, lonely
couple seeking..."

Good night, Ma.

Wait a minute, Michael.
We can't go now.

I know.

Well, then you think
it's what I think?

Sure, Gloria, what else
is there to think?

Look at this magazine.

Look at the articles
they have here.

"Silk Sheets Saved
Our Marriage."

"Mirror, Mirror on the Ceiling."

Look at that.

Michael, you got to go
right in there and tell her.

Why me? You're her daughter.

Besides, how am I going
to explain wife-swapping

to your mother?

Well, just tell her
in plain simple English.

Well, you tell her in...
that English.

But Michael, you're the man.
So what?

You know just as much
about sex as I do. More!

More?

I don't know.

Oh, come on, Michael.
We'll tell her together.

All right.

Only you start.

Huh? Yeah, all right.

But if I get stuck,
you help me.
Okay.

Ma?

Oh, did you forget
something?

No, no, Ma. We're
in kind of a hurry,

so Michael's got
something

he has to
tell you.

Look, Ma...

I'm stuck.

Ma, this couple
in the ad,

you think they're just looking
for friendship, don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, well,
they're looking

for more than
friendship.

A special kind
of friendship.

Oh.

Well, I hope
I don't disappoint them.

Ma, you got to tell
the Rempleys not to come.

Why?

Ma, trust me.

This can't be explained
in a couple of minutes,

and we really
have to run.

We'll explain it
tomorrow.

Just give me their number.
I'll call them and cancel.

EDITH:
But Mike...
Ma, trust me.

Well, I don't have
their phone number.

I just got
their address--

That's fine,
that's fine.

I'll send them
a telegram.

I don't understand.

Ma, you didn't really read
this magazine, did you?

Well, just the recipes.

See? " Recipes
for Swingers."

Ma, does Daddy know

they're coming over
tomorrow night?

No. I'm going to tell him
tonight.

I don't understand

how you could invite
two strangers over

without even asking Daddy.

Well, I didn't invite them.

It was their idea.

You see, I got their letter
this morning,

and they just want
to drop in tomorrow.

MICHAEL:
Damn it, damn it!

Damn it! I don't
believe this.

Come on, will you?

What is it, Michael?
What's wrong?

By the time you get
Western Union on the phone,

you can drop dead.

Uh, no, no, not you.

Uh, look, I--
I'd like to send a telegram

to a Mr. Curtis Rempley at, uh--
[DOOR OPENS]

Hold on.

Well, if youse are all waiting
for instructions, here they are:

When a man comes home
after a hard day at work,

somebody says "Hello."

ALL: Hello, Archie.

Jeez, kiddies, youse all get
a gold star for that.

Look at the face
on you.

What's the matter
with you?

Nothing.

I'm making a call.

Jeez, I heard of people

talking through
their hats before,

but I've never
seen this.

Daddy, um, Michael's
making a personal call.

I can see that.

Uh, uh, hold on
just a second.

I'll be right
with you.

Uh, so we'd like a little
privacy, please.

Oh, you'd like "a little
privacy, please," huh?

Yeah, all right.

Edith, into
the kitchen, huh?

Let me tell youse all something
around here.

Any phone call

that I ain't allowed
to listen to,

I ain't paying for.

Did you have
a nice day?

Never mind my nice day, Edith.

What's this all about here?

Oh, well, I don't know.

I won't know
until tomorrow.

Edith, you know,
you better keep a sharp lookout.

What for?

For the dingbat catcher, Edith.

Because one of these days,

he's going to come around
and throw a net over you.

Archie, don't go...

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, that's all right,
thank you. Goodbye.

Well, Ma, you don't have
to worry about a thing.

Everything's
taken care of.

Well, we got
to get going.

Uh, yeah, good night.

Well, have
a nice time.

Oh...

[MOUTHS WORDS]
Thank you.

Where are they going tonight?

Oh, they're going to see
the Russian ballet.

Oh, jeez, wouldn't you know?

Wasting money to see
some Communist fruit

leaping around in his pantyhose.

You call that entertainment
for Americans?

Well, they've been
on Ed Sullivan's show

lots of times.

Well, let me tell you something.

If Sullivan had stuck
to the tap dancers,

he'd still be on TV.

I'm going up
to the reading room, Edith.

I'll get your dinner.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I'll get it.

BOTH: Here we are!

Howdy!

You must be Edith.

Well, yeah, but who are you?

The Rempleys. Ruth and Curtis.

Oh, Curtis, doesn't she look
exactly like her letter?

Oh, even better in person.

Like I always say, Ruthie,
trust that first impression.

And I can tell you
this right now--

I like this woman.

Oh, I like her.

Now, Edith, you be honest.

Now that you've seen us,
what do you think?

ARCHIE: Who you talking to
down there, Edith?

Oh, nobody, Archie.

Just go right on
with your reading.

I-- I wasn't
expecting you.

Your letter said you was
coming tomorrow night.

Oh, but I wrote
the letter yesterday,

so when I said tomorrow,
I meant today.

But I read the letter today.

And when you read
"tomorrow" today,

"tomorrow" is tomorrow.

She's got you there,
Ruthie, huh?

Oh, you are precious.

EDITH: Oh, thank you.

Uh, when am I going
to meet Archie?

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Well, Ruthie,
it won't be long now.

Well,
there he is.

Did you finish
your book?

Archie, this is
Mr. and Mrs. Rempley.

Could I see you in
the kitchen for a minute?

Would you excuse us?

RUTH: Oh sure,
you go right ahead,

but remember now,

while you're out there
talking about us,

we're going to be in here
talking about you.

Arch?

CURTIS: Hey,
that's some catch.

You got quick hands.

Did you ever play ball?

Uh, well, yeah, I used
to pitch a little.

What's this?

Well, open it and see.

Get in there.

Well, Ruthie,
what do you think?

Gee, I don't know.
They're certainly different.

That Edith seems
so timid.

Oh, that's just
on the outside.

Trust my first impression.
Inside, she's a wildcat.

I know they're the Rempleys.
You told me.

But what's the story
on them?

Well, which story do you want?

Why they're here
or why they shouldn't be here?

Why they're here.

I could tell you
why they shouldn't be here.

Oh, would you tell me,

because I won't know
till tomorrow.

Never mind tomorrow.

I want them out of here
tonight.

They only came over
for pie and coffee,

and there ain't no pie,
so it won't take long.

You'll make it even
shorter than that.

You got any Dixie cups
in the house?

Yeah.

All right, give them
two coffees to go.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute. Hold it.

Look at this here, Edith.

Look at this.

Gold Label
Crystal cigars,

each one in
its own test tube.

These cost around
a buck apiece.

What's taking them
so long?

I hate waiting around
like this.

It could be
their first time.

I think they're novices.

Then I'm going
to call them.

Oh, no, Curtis,
don't do that.

You'll only scare them.

Come on, I think they
need encouragement.

Oh, there they are.

We thought maybe

you snuck out
the back door.

Oh, no, we was just
hanging around the stove.

What are these for?

Well, Edith said
in the letter

that you like
a good smoke.

Oh, yeah, certainly do,
but, I mean,

these must have cost
you , bucks.

Oh, well,
Curtis always says,

"If you're going
to give a present,

give a present."

Now, come here,
Edith dear.

You mustn't think
we've forgotten you.

I-- I just hope
you like perfume.

Oh, my!

Archie, look.

[GASPS]

Chanel N° .

That's their
highest number.

Oh, thank you.

CURTIS:
Well, come on, everybody.

Let's sit down.

Yeah, yeah,
let's sit down.

This has got
to be yours.

The master's
chair, huh?

Yeah, that's right.

This is the what-do-you-call,

the master's
chair here.

Edith, don't be
standing there.

Go sit on the couch.
Oh, yeah.

Great.

These are
beautiful cigars.

Well, light up, Arch.

Yeah, I'm going
to do that.

Would you like
one of them yourself?

Oh, no, no, I don't smoke.

Oh, maybe you'd like to drink

a little Fleischmann's
and ginger, very smooth?

No, no, we don't drink.
It dulls the senses.

ARCHIE: Oh, yeah.

Funny, it just has
the opposite effect on me.

A couple of belts
and I'm raring to go.

Then have a few,
by all means.

Can I, uh,
can I get you one?

I don't need it.

Oh, well, then I'll wait too.

Jeez, youse don't smoke,
youse don't drink.

What do youse do for fun?

Oh, but seriously now,

I've got to tell you something
about Curtis and me.

We're trophy winners.

Harvest Moon dance contest,
foxtrot division.

ARCHIE:
Oh...

You mean you
got your pictures

in the Daily News
and everything?

That's right,
and as a matter of fact,

I just happen to have
our music with us.

Oh...

Come on, Curtis,
let's show them.

[TAPE DECK PLAYING
"I'M IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE"]

Oh, that's lovely.

Well, come on in,
you two.

The water's fine.

Oh, you want to, Archie?

Well, I don't compete
with the pros,

but there's
a couple of tricks

I ain't forgot.

Oh, I love
that music.

It's Jackie
Gleason's

"Music for
Lovers Only."

That Jackie Gleason,

he knows more about
love than anybody.

All right,
everybody,

hold it,
hold it!

Ready, set,
switch!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I'll get it.

Oh, hi, Louise. Come in.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know
you had company.

No, come on in.
The more, the merrier.

Curtis Rempley
at your service.

Uh, I just came
to borrow your casserole dish,

but it can wait.

Oh, no, that's
all right.

Go right on
in the kitchen.

What did that man mean,
"the more, the merrier"?

Oh, he's just
very friendly.

So is his wife.

I found them
through an ad.

An ad?

Yeah, in this
Now Family magazine,

in the "swap"
section here.

You read it. I'll get
the casserole.

Uh, Edith, uh...

Do you know
those people are...

I can't.

I gotta.

Those people
are a couple of swingers!

Oh, I know.

They won a trophy

in the Harvest Moon
dance contest.

No, they are wife-swappers.

"Wife-swappers"? What's that?

They're here to change partners,

but not for dancing.

You mean
they want Archie and me to--

Oh, my!

[SHRIEKING]
Archie!

I believe this
is our dance.

Oh, no, I don't
want to dance!

Oh, no, no dancing!

Ah, Edith,
the guy's an expert.

Maybe you'll
learn something.

No!

No, no! I don't want
to learn nothing!

Good night!

Oh, no, Louise,
don't go!

I don't want to learn
nothing either!

All right,
picture time!

Hey, what's
that for?

Well, I thought we'd take
a couple of pictures before.

Oh. Before what?

You are funny.

Isn't he a riot?

Well, I get off a good one
every now and then.

What the hell
did I say?

Archie, come here.
I wanna show you something.

Come here.

This is a picture

I took last week
with some friends.

This one's
a little blurred

because we were moving.

I developed it myself.

Oh. Yeah, let's see.

Hey.

Come here. Come here.

You made a mistake here.

You got one of them
stag pictures

mixed up with
the regular ones.

You don't want
your wife to see that.

Oh, Ruthie don't mind.

That's her
in the picture.

Edith, here.

Let me show you something.

This is one of me.

Hold it!

Whoa!

No!

Put it away!

My wife ain't looking
at no part of you!

These are two
dirty people here.

CURTIS: What?

RUTH: What are you
talking about?

I don't want no creepos,
weirdos or sexos in my house.

Come on, get out!

Get out of here.

Take all your junk
with you.

Here's your purse, lady.
Here's the bag.

Come on, out, out!

Hold it, hold it!

Ruthie and I just want
to be friendly.

We made friends
all over the country.

Oh, well,
go back to them.

You got no friends
to make here.

Well, if you feel
that way about it,

then why did she answer
our ad in the magazine?

Listen, she--

You answered an ad
in a magazine?

It sounded like
they needed us.

Of course they needed us,
Edith, but for what?

For fun.

We ain't interested

in no kind of fun like that.

You're looking at a happily
married couple here.

Well, you're looking

at a happily married
couple here too.

ARCHIE: Aw...

Well, I admit it
wasn't always true.

There was a time

when our marriage
got a little boring,

a little humdrum,
a little...

Tedious.

Well...

Then we discovered
swinging.

"Swinging"? Is that
what you call it?

Yeah, why?
What do you call it?

Communism!

Communism?

You, buddy,

are undermining
this nation here!

You're telling me

I'm undermining
the nation?

I'll have you know
that I attended

the Republican
National Convention!

Well, I don't think
that's the point.

Edith, maybe you
can understand, dear.

You see, our marriage was...

Well, I mean,

it just didn't seem
to matter much anymore.

Well, no more than the two cars

or the new washer-dryer

or the stereo set.

We were drowning.

Swinging saved us.

I think I would rather
have drowned.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What do you mean
you're sorry?

What do you got
to be sorry for?

You're right!

I seen enough of youse two.

Now am-scray!

Okay.

To each his own,
I suppose.

I'll get
your coat, Ruthie.

Mm-hmm.

Well, it's like

that old expression
I made up once,

remember, Ruthie?

"I may disagree
with what you say,

"but I'll defend
with my life

your right to say it."

Oh, yeah.

I remember when you
made that up too,

you clever thing.

Isn't he clever?

Huh?

Don't you read
no more magazines!

Now, what are you doing?

You ain't going
to keep that present.

Oh, no.

I'm going to mail it
right back to the Rempleys.

What are you going to do
with your present?

I'm going to do worse
than mail it back.

I'm going to burn it.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.