03x04 - Gloria and the Riddle

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where
You were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Hi, Ma. I just love
rainy days, don't you?

Yeah. It was raining
on our honeymoon.

Oh, that's romantic--

you and Daddy
in your cozy hotel room

in Atlantic City
in the rain.

Oh, it wasn't
so romantic.

Archie was so mad.

He kept saying,

"Here we are,
stuck in this hotel room

for the whole honeymoon."

[LAUGHS]
Oh, Ma... no.

Hey, did I tell you
that riddle Tammy told me

about the surgeon
who couldn't operate?

No. You didn't.

[BELL RINGING]

Oh, excuse me, Gloria.

The sweet rolls are ready,

and Archie hates it
when the sugar drips.

Gloria...

Good morning, Michael, dear.

Never mind
the "good morning."

Look at this.
See that?

I'm sick and tired
of putting on this shirt

every time
you wash it, Gloria,

and finding there's
no button there.

Look at that.
All right, Michael.

Gloria, didn't I tell you
to fix it? Didn't I?

All right, Michael.
I'm busy now.

I'll do it later.

Gloria, this has been
going on for three weeks!

Sew it on now!

Sew it on yourself!

What?

Where's it
written down

that a woman has to do
all the sewing?

Gloria, you're my wife!

What's that got
to do with it?

You sew it on!

Well, I can't.

Why not?

You got the sewing kit!

Well, I'll go get it
for you right now.

No. No. No.
Wait a second.

Gloria, I mean, uh,
you do it better than me.

You always do it.

That's because I want to,
not because you order me to.

Okay, forget it!

Ma, could you sew
a button on for me?

Sure, Mike.

No, you don't, Ma.

He's gonna
do it himself.

Oh, I didn't know
you liked sewing, Mike.

I don't!
I hate it!

Forget it!
I'll do it!

I'll do it!

Whatever you're gonna do,
Meathead,

do it in quiet, huh.

Okay!

What's the matter with him?

Can't a person
get a cheerful "good morning"

around here no more?

[CHEERFULLY]
Good morning!

Not from you, Edith.

We already seen
each other upstairs.

Yeah, but that was
lying down.

Remember, Archie?

We both woke up together,

and we looked at each other,

and I said,
"Good morning, Archie,"

and you rolled over.

Edith, where's
my regular prune juice?

This ain't Sunsweet.

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.

Ferguson's market
was sold out,

but Sybil Gooley
at the checkout stand

said this kind
tasted just the same.

Well, tell Sybil Gooley

I don't drink prune juice
for the taste.

I know.

And look at this here.

The eggs ain't runny enough,
Edith.

How am I going to dip my toast
into a hard yolk?

Complaints,
complaints...

First Michael,
now you, Daddy.

You men treat us
like unpaid servants.

That's what we are
to you-- servants.

"Cook this,
clean that, sew this."

Come on.
Will you let me eat?

EDITH:
Mike, what did you
do to your finger?

Nothing, Ma.

Did you cut yourself,
Michael?

Yeah. I'm just acting silly
over that stupid button.

I'm sorry.

No. You were right.
I was wrong.

Oh, Edith,

do they have to be
slobbering that way

on a Sunday morning here?

How did you
do it, Michael?

I stuck my finger
trying to sew the button on.

Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You, the husband,
were sewing something?

Yeah. What's wrong with that?

Well, if you don't know,
I ain't gonna tell you.

Well, tell me, because
I don't know either.

He's the husband.

He ain't
supposed to be doing that.

That's the wife's job.

That is nothing
but a male chauvinist attitude!

Will you tell me something?

What is this "male chauvinist"
you keep throwing up at me?

It's not a "what," it's a who.

You see,
there was this Frenchman,

and his name was Chauvin,

and he was
the original chauvinist.

And he was a beautiful
piano player too.

MICHAEL: What?

Yeah, Chauvin.

Cornel Wilde took his part
in the picture...

and he wrote
some lovely songs:

♪ I'm always
Chasing rain... ♪

All right! All right.
Put a lid on it, huh.

Ma, that's Chopin.

Chauvin was an officer
with Napoleon.

Well, what has
a dead frog soldier

got to do with me?

Everything.

You see,
Chauvin was a stupid nationalist

who believed
that everything French was best,

and that women were no good.

Well, who cares?

All I'm saying is

no self-respecting
American husband

would do his own sewing.

Oh, what about
Dr. Nelson, the surgeon?

He does a lot of sewing.

On people, Edith--
he sews on people.

Well, he must have
practiced on something

before he started on people.

That reminds me, Gloria--

you were gonna tell me
something about a surgeon

and you never finished.

Well, yeah.
That was the riddle

that Tammy Robinson
told me.

I bet you'll
never guess it.

Who's Tammy Robinson?

Oh, she's the girl

that's running
the female fair exhibition

down at the store.

She's coming
over here this morning

so we can work on it.

Oh, what's she coming
over here for?

Can't we have a Sunday
in this house with no visitors?

What a day this is gonna be.

And look at
that rain out there, Edith!

I'm sorry, Archie.

Daddy, you've got her
saying she's sorry

like it's her fault
it's raining.

Well, it ain't my fault.

Well, tell us
about the riddle.

Okay. Now, you see,
there's this father and his son,

and they're driving along
in a car,

and the car crashes,
and the father is k*lled.

Oh, that's so sad.

Oh, jeez,
it's only a story, Edith.

Anyway, the father is k*lled,

and the little boy
is badly injured,

so they rush him to a hospital,

take him into
the operating room.

The surgeon walks in and says,
"I can't operate on this boy.

He's my son."

How come?

Well, that's easy.

The surgeon was his father.

Well, he ain't supposed
to operate on his own family.

Daddy, I just said
the father was k*lled.

Oh, then it was
the stepfather was k*lled

and the surgeon's
the real father.

No.

I know!

The surgeon
was a Christian Scientist.

They never operate.

How could the surgeon be
a Christian Scientist, Edith?

Them dumbbells
don't even allow sickness.

If the father was dead,
what's the difference

what kind of a religious nut
he was?

Hey... the father was a priest,
right?

Like a Catholic father.

No, it was a real father
and his real son.

Hmm...Let me get this straight:

A father and a son
were in a car crash.

The father is k*lled,

and the son
is rushed to the hospital.

They bring him to surgery.

Surgeon walks in, says,
"I can't operate on that boy.

He's my son."

That's right.

All right. Is it a case
of mistaken identity?

That's wrong.

Of course it's wrong.

Well, how can you
be so sure?

You don't know
the answer.

Well, I know that it
ain't the answer.

Well, maybe the answer
has something to do

with people that come back
from the hereafter,

like that milk company.

Oh, reincarnation?

Yeah!

No. No, that's
not the answer, Ma.

You give up, Michael?

Yeah. Yeah.
Michael gives up.

What's the answer?

No. No.
I don't give up.

I bet I get it
before you do.

What are you
talking about?

A quarter you don't.

Yeah. You're on.

You want to make a bet?

Okay.
Sure.

Gloria, don't be
telling him the answer.

No cheating here.

Go on, Edith.

Get my coffee and bring it
over here, will you?

Tammy is so smart to think up
a hard riddle like that.

She didn't think it up.

How do you know she didn't?

Because riddles
ain't thought up.

They come out
of newspapers and magazines.

Well, Tammy could
have thought it up.

She's a very clever girl.

You know, the whole female fair
was all her idea.

"Female fair"? What's that?

Oh, it's Tammy's idea
for an exhibition

on the women's liberation
movement.

Ah, good night, nurse.
Another one of them.

You letting your wife get
mixed up in that?

Why not?

Why not--
because I got a feeling

that female fairs
is run by female fairies.

That's a horrible
thing to say

about my friend Tammy.

I know a female fairy,
and she ain't horrible.

What female fairy
do you know?

Tinkerbell in Peter Pan.

Yeah... I remember when
I was a freshman in high school,

the senior class
put on Peter Pan.

Oh, it was so beautiful,
I cried.

I'll never forget
how Peter Pan

talked to the audience.

Peter was played
by Spunky Finch,

and she had new braces
on her teeth,

and as soon as the spotlight hit
all that silver wire,

oh, it just
gave you goosebumps.

Well, anyway, Peter said,
"Do you believe in fairies?

"Say it quick if you believe.

If you believe,
clap your hands!"

And then everybody
clapped their hands,

and Peter said, "Thank you!
Thank you! Thank you!"

"And now to rescue Wendy!"

Oh, oh, oh! I just love theater.

Is the curtain down?

Yeah.

Good, because
I got the answer

to that there riddle
over there.

The kid on the operating table
was his own double.

What?

Double. Double.

You know what a double is.

They got them
in all their stories there,

like in that picture,
The Prince and the Porpoise.

No, Daddy.
That's not the answer.

Wrong.

Well, any jerk can sit there
saying, "Wrong."

I don't hear you
coming up with nothing!

Hey, we got a bet
that I come up with it

before you, that's all.

Aw.
I'd better clear
the table.

Oh, I'll help you, Ma.

I'll help you too.

Wait a minute!

I don't want all of yous going
in the kitchen together there.

She'll be giving him the answer
behind my back.

Gloria, don't you say
nothing to him in there!

I won't say anything, Daddy.

You keep an eye

on them two out there, Edith!

[DOORBELL BUZZING]

I don't want no answers
being given to nobody

before they get them
the right way.

See, I don't want
no cheating here!

Are you Tammy?
Yes.

Quick, what's the answer
to the surgeon's riddle?

Daddy!
Shh.

Admit it, you cheated.
What do you know about it?

You was out there
in the kitchen.

Gloria told me
you asked her the answer.

I'll put an end
to this thing.

Hey, Tammy, there,
did you tell me anything?

No, I didn't.

There.
But you asked her.

Case closed.
Come on.

Case closed.

Uh, Gloria, I think
we should tell them.

Nobody ever
gets it anyway.

No, I'm not going
to tell them.

They're always saying
men are smarter than women,

so let them figure it out
for themselves.

Tammy, I made you some coffee.

Oh, thank you.

You know,
it's really not a riddle at all.

There's a very simple answer.

Well, maybe that's the trouble.
Maybe it's too simple.

I mean, you're looking at
an old riddle guy here.

But I'm used to handling
real toughies, you know?

Like what?

Toughies, like, for instance,
knock-knock, who's there?

A bandleader's initials.

Oh, I know that game.

You think up the name
of a famous bandleader,

but you just give
the initials,

and then the others
have to guess who it is.

Yeah.

But you have
to have lived a lot

to play a game like that.

Oh, you said it.

Because all them
big band guys,

they was before your time,
all yous kids.

That sounds like fun.
May I try?

You want to try
it, Tammy?

Yeah. Yeah, all right.

Wait a minute,
and I'll give you one.

Let me think of
a good one for you.

Uh... P.W.

Paul Whiteman.

Hey! Look at Tammy!

She got it
right away here.

That's very good.

I would've said
Patty Waghorn.

Who the hell
is Patty Waghorn?

He led the harmonica hijinks
at our high-school hops.

Oh, cut it out,
will you?

Oh, he was so good.

He could play "Over the Waves"
on his harmonica

without using his mouth,
just his nostrils.

Oh...

I got
a bandleader's initials: T.D.

Tommy Dorsey.
Tommy Dorsey.

Right.

Hey, Tammy, you're good at this.

You're terrific.

What about me?
I got it too.

You're terrific too, Daddy.

Hey, hey.
Thought of a good one.

You two go over there.
Sit down.

Now... I got one
for all of yous: E.C.

"E.C."

[ARCHIE CHUCKLES]

Eddie Condon.

Well, Eddie Condon's E.C.

but ain't the E.C.
I'm thinking about.

Eddie Cochran?

I never heard of him.

MICHAEL: So?

Well, if I never
heard of him

he ain't
the right E.C.

All right. We give
up. Who is it?

Yous all give up?

Yeah.

[CHUCKLING]

Xavier Cugat.

What?

What?

Xavier Cugat!
That's wonderful!

ARCHIE: That's pretty good,
huh, Tammy?

Archie, that's not
E.C. That's X.C.

Xavier begins with an X.

Get outta here.

Sure!

No human being
begins his name with an "X".

I heard it a million times--
Xavier Cugat.

E-G-Z-avier Cugat. Look it up.

Come on, Tammy.
We'd better get to work.

Okay. Oh, Mr. Bunker,

may I have
one of your cigars?

You're gonna smoke a cigar?

Oh, no, no.
I'm not gonna smoke it.

I'd like to borrow it
for the display board.

Oh. All right.
Go ahead. There.

Oh, thank you.

It helps to point up some of
the more negative aspects

of the male stereotype.

I'm for that.

I love the smell
of a good cigar.

Nobody is listening
to you, Edith.

You know, Tammy,
what I got against

yous women
libertines there,

if you forgive my saying it,

is that yous don't want to do

the jobs you was meant to do,
which is housewives.

And mothballs.

What?

I love the smell of mothballs.

I used to hide in closets
when I was a little girl

just to get a whiff of them.

Why don't you
go up to the closet

in the attic
and enjoy yourself?

If you don't
want to do that,

then do your job--
finish sewing.

Oh, Mr. Bunker,

why does our society
take it for granted

that women can do no other job?

Women can do anything.

Anything left over.

No, no, no, wait a second, Arch.

Women make some
of the finest leaders

in the world.

Oh, that's
the dumbest thing

you ever said.
Like who?

Well, like Golda Meir.

Bad example, Meathead.

Of course, them Hebes
has been ruled

by Jewish mothers
since time began.

Well, what about, uh...
Mrs. Gandhi?

I didn't know
Mrs. Gandhi was Jewish.

Archie, what about Mrs. Gandhi?

I mean, she's
the prime minister of India.

Who cares about India?

Any country
that would worship a cow

would put anybody in charge.

You see?

He's the result
of centuries of conditioning.

You gotta listen to
what Tammy found in the Bible.

The Bible!
Listen to this:

"For man is the image
and glory of God,

but the woman
is the glory of man."

St. Paul, First Corinthians,
, verse seven.

That's terrible.

That's beautiful.
It's the Bible.

Wait a minute.

You've gotta hear
this one too.

You wanna hear
what the orthodox Jew says

every morning
in his prayers?

I can live without it.

"Blessed art thou,
O Lord our God,

that I was not born a woman."

Well, like I always say,

there's some good
in all religions.

What about this from the Koran:

"Men are superior to women

because God has given them
pre-eminence."

That's really awful.

When I hear
things like that,

I thank God
I'm an atheist.

Listen, Tammy, there,

I hope,
on top of everything else,

you ain't one of them
unbelievers,

like that Meathead over here.

Oh, no,
I go to church, Mr. Bunker,

but I don't have to agree
with everything in The Bible.

I don't think
that men have the right

to control women's lives.

Yeah, like abortion laws.

Abortion! On Sunday!

Hey, Arch, she's right.

I mean, why should a man
have the right

to tell a woman what she
can do with her body?

Get off the woman's body
on a Sunday!

Talking about things
like that in this house--

abortions and all of that.

Even the president
of the U.S. of A.

Took time out to say that
that was wrong.

Nixon would soon change his mind
if he got pregnant.

I ain't gonna stay here
and listen

to no more of this here garbage.

I'm gonna go
and wash the taste of it

right out of my mouth.

Where are you going, Archie?

Down to Kelsey's Bar, Edith,

where people still have a little
respect for the Sabbath.

And then this guy
puts a g*n to his head,

and says to his wife,

"Don't laugh, baby,
you're next."

[ALL LAUGH]

Hey, that's
the funniest one...

Hey, Tommy,
give me a beer, huh?

Hey, Arch. Archie.

Hey, how are you?

Hey, do you know
any Polish jokes?

Are you kidding?

I got one
living in the house with me.

Tell you what, though...

What?

I got a great riddle for you.

Anybody here good at riddles?

A riddle? Ol' Barney here
is an expert on them things.

Well, to be honest
with you, Arch,

the riddle ain't been born
that I can't figure out.

That's right.

Well, that's good,
because here it is,

and it's a toughie.

Now, father and son go out
for a drive in the car.

All right, there's a crash.

Yeah.

The father's k*lled.

Now, they rush
the kid to the hospital

for emergency operation.

The surgeon comes in,

takes one look at the kid
and says,

"Hold it, hold it.
I cannot operate on my own son."

Now explain that.

Boy, that kid was lucky.

Did I ever tell you about
the nut that operated on me?

He left three sponges

inside of me-- three.

Even without the gallstones,

I was heavier
leaving the hospital

than when I went in.

Get back to the riddle, huh?

Why couldn't the surgeon
operate on the kid?

A pushover.

Because the son
was a son-in-law.

[CHUCKLES]

Aw, that ain't it. No.

No?

No.

Well, uh.
Oh, then it was his adopted son.

Yeah.
No.

Ahh.

Ah-hah! I got it. I got it.

Like in them weirdo movies,

the dead guy transports himself
out of his own corpse.

Hey, Barney,
you're slipping.

Wait, wait, wait.

Ah! I got it!
This time, I got it.

The kid was illegitimate.

No, no, no.

Is there
a trick to it?

There ain't no trick to this.

Well, then, I give up.

I don't know.

Well, what do you mean, Barney?

You can't figure it out?

Well, there's gotta be
a first time, Arch.

This is a tough one.
What's the answer?

Well, jeez, Barney, I thought
you was going to tell me.

You mean you don't know
the answer?

Yeah, I know the answer.

Well, then
what's the answer?

The answer...

Well, give us
the answer then.

You knocked the answer
right out of my head.

Hey, how do you like
a bum like that?

[BOTH SHOUTING]

I'll tell you one thing.

What?

Maybe I forgot the answer here,
but when I re-remember it--

and I will--

I ain't gonna tell none of yous.

Hey, hey!

[SPUTTERS]

Give us the answer to that one.

You know what
we should do, Gloria?

We should hit some of
those TV commercials

as well.

Good idea.

You know that one
where that jerk

is always criticizing
his wife's coffee?

Just once,
I'd like to see her pour

the whole pot
over his head.

Right.

Oh, hey, Tammy.

I'm glad you're still here.

I want to talk to you
before you get away.

What's the answer

to that there
surgeon riddle?

Should we tell
him, Gloria?

Oh, no, no, wait a second.

Hey, we still got
that bet, right?

I got a bigger
and a more important bet

with some real men
down in Kelsey's Bar.

Tammy, Gloria!

Archie, I'm glad you're back.

I think I have the answer
to the riddle!

Really?
Yeah.

The surgeon couldn't operate
on his own son, right?

Right.
Yeah.

But not because the surgeon
was the boy's father...

The surgeon
was the boy's mother!

You're right!

Oh, good for you,
Mrs. Bunker!

Why didn't I
think of that?!

That's wrong!
What's the real answer?

That's it.
Mrs. Bunker is right.

Gee, you know,
that never entered my head,

that a woman could be a surgeon.

Look at the way
I've been trained to think.

Like a chauvinist.
Right.

Well, if that's the answer,

that's the dumbest riddle
I ever heard.

I'll tell you what's
dumb, Mr. Bunker--

that we have all been
conditioned to believe

that only men
can be surgeons.

Aw, what are you
talking about?

With all the millions
of doctors in the world,

who the hell
ever heard of a woman surgeon?

Daddy, there are thousands
of women surgeons in the world.

Oh, well, not around here.

Maybe in
your oriental countries,

where they got that there
chinky-puncture or something.

Ma, you were very smart
to have thought of that.

Oh, thank you, Mike.

But I'm sorry I thought of it

before you did, Archie.

Aw, who cares, Edith?
It was a dumb riddle.

It was made up by a woman,

it's got a make-believe
woman doctor in it there,

and I ain't surprised
that you got it,

because it's a woman's riddle.

I don't want to hear
no more about it.

And give me
back my cigar.

Oh, my, that was
a clever riddle

Tammy gave us.

Clever riddle...

I got a clever
riddle for yous.

Oh, good!

How long
does it take one dingbat

to go feet for one beer?

How long does it take...

Oh, never mind!

Just go out
to the kitchen

and bring me back
a can of beer.

Oh. Right away, Archie.

How long
does it take one dingbat...

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: All In The Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.