02x02 - Money, Honey

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, on Baywatch:

If ORCAS closes down,

Gilly and thousands like her
are not going to survive.

Pick your favorite girl
and back her

with some cash so that we can
keep ORCAS open.

Oh, Mitch, I am going
to make you a superstar.

All I need's a
little extra cash.

I'm Harvey Miller, Mr.
Buchannon's personal manager.

$ , on signing

against $ , on
the first day of photography.

Let's roll.

Action.

Cut the sirens!

Turn them off!
Turn them off!

And bring me some blankets!

Hey, it's Gilly.
Yeah.

I'm not giving this guy
mouth-to-mouth.

She's bleeding... it's the gill
nets cutting into her neck.

Aren't these guys' bites,
like, toxic or something?

Just get behind her.

I'm not real thrilled
with that end either.

We got to get between
her and the water.

She might be
going into shock.

It's okay, Gilly.
It's okay, sweetie.

Stay still, we're not
going to hurt you.

Hey, Gilly.

How you doing?

Stay still, honey.

You guys, be careful.

We're not going
to hurt you, okay?

Get behind her.

Which side is behind her? Okay, now,

on three we're gonna do it,
okay?

On three.
One...

Be careful.
Two...

three!

Oh, jeez!

Great, what do we
do with her now?

Mitch, you need to
take care of this.

Yeah, yeah, I know.
Good morning.

Dad, where have you been?

All kinds of stuff's
been going on this morning.

Truck broke down again,
I had to have it towed.

What's all this?

Stevie's uncle works
for this company

that can get me
all this hockey gear wholesale.

With the skates and everything,
it's only bucks.

Hockey's gonna have to wait
for awhile.

But you promised.

Yeah, I know I promised,

but we just don't
have the money.

Maybe you should've
taken that promotion.

Hey, Hobie.

Maybe next month, huh?

Sure, Dad.

Hey, uh, Mitch...

I couldn't help overhearing,

and I think I have the solution

to your financial
problems.

Whatever it is, the answer's no.

Sponsor a bikini contest.
No.

Oh, come on, it's a major return
on a minor investment.

No!

I don't even have
enough money

to invest in repairing my truck.

Yeah, but a bikini
contest would... Freeze...

Miller.

No contest...

the one on the left.

Excellent choice, Captain.

Tough call.

Excellent choice.

Last month,
it's the plumbing.

This month it's my truck.

You should've taken
that promotion, Mitch.

What is it with everybody
and this promotion?!

All I need's a
little extra cash.

How about a couple
hundred bucks?

I didn't mean that.
I can't borrow from you.

Good, 'cause I can't
lend it to you.

But there's a private party
at the Malibu Colony this week.

They want to hire a couple
off-duty lifeguards.

I've already mentioned
it to Eddie.

I'll take it.

You got it.

We first spotted her
off the bell buoy

when she was just a pup.

She had this gill net
stuck around her neck

so we started
calling her Gilly.

But we could never get close
enough to get it off of her.

And the more she grew, the more
it just sliced into her neck.

She knew when it was time
to get help.

Yeah, but she
shouldn't have had to.

Why do they keep using these
things? I don't understand.

Because fisherman
don't see the results

of what they do
to sea lions and dolphins.

Well, I think we should
get the press down here.

Unfortunately, after Saturday,

there won't be
a "down here" here.

Why not?

Money.

How much do you need?

I need $ , by
: p. m. Saturday

or else we get torn down
with the rest of this place

when they start building
ocean view condos.

Have you thought
about maybe organizing

some fund-raisers
or something?

With all the non-profit
organizations

that need money,
come on, Shauni.

Face it, saving
sea mammals

is not people's
top priority.

Well, what are we going to do
with the injured animals

if ORCAS closes down?

Sea life park in San Diego
is the closest facility.

That's over
a hundred miles away.

Those animals
aren't going to make it

traveling that far.

Look...

at least we're here until
Saturday, and hopefully,

that'll be enough time
for Gilly to make it.

Hey!

Well, I really don't
speak Italian, but...

in film, words don't
really matter, do they?

Isn't she wonderful?

Dita, baby!

Terrific party!

Marty, you're looking...
uh, good, that's it.

Little further...

Don't fall! Don't fall.

Okay.

This place is
one big accident

waiting to happen.

Tell me about it.

Excuse me, I don't think
it's a real good idea

to go swimming right now.

I never listen
to "idea" men.

Look, I'd rather
stop you now

than have to save you
from drowning.

Son, with all the sharks and
barracudas at this party,

it's more than likely I'll have
my arms and legs chewed off

before I drown.
Whoa!

Whoa! I got you.

I think I'll sit down.
Okay.

Hello, my darling.

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

What is with you?!

Keep your fire under
control, will ya?!

You all right?

Yeah, thanks.

Sure.

Who the hell

are you two?!

I'm Mitch Buchannon.
This is Eddie Kramer.

We're the L.A. County
lifeguards.

Good Lord...
the hired help.

The only reason
you're here

is because my insurance
company requires it.

So don't stop anyone
from having a good time,

just make sure no one drowns.

Your friends keep
drinking and swimming,

believe me, somebody
is going to drown.

Don't be ridiculous.
These aren't my friends.

This is business.

So don't get
in the way,

or you'll be out the door
in half an hour.

Better call your
insurance agent.

Why is that?

We're out the door now.

All right, have it your way.

Do whatever it is
you people do.

Just don't overdo it.

Fair enough?

Okay.

When we start filming this
in a couple of weeks,

uh, I play this martial arts
instructor in Venice

who's actually
a private investigator.

And he kind of gets
romantically involved

with this beautiful
street musician.

But you see,
she's "actually... "

We don't want to give
the plot away, do we, darling?

Let me borrow him
for a few minutes.

I promise
I'll bring him right back.

Excuse us, dear.

Larry, darling,
charm the press.

Always charm the press.

Never reveal too much
about yourself

or your project, all right?

Well, my new film comes out
in two months.

And this time, I have lines.

Vittorio, darling.

Ah!

I'm so happy
to see you.

How are you?

I see you've already
met Fernando.

Vittorio's seen every one
of my pictures.

Ah. He doesn't like one of them.

Vittorio, darling,

I'd like for you to
meet Larry Brooks,

the star of
"our" picture.

It's a pleasure, sir. Pleasure.

Larry, dear,

this is Fernando,
your director.

I hope
you like my pictures.

I admire each and every
one of them, sir.

As a matter of fact,

I've always wanted
to work in Italy.

Don't mind if I do.

Thank you.

This is
terrific.

What is this?

I think it's either
tofu or eel.

Hi!

Why don't you get
some rest?

Hey.

Why don't you stay
in the pool a while?

I'm sorry.
I'm on duty.

Pity.

Uh, no, sir, please,
don't put that in the water.

Why not?

'Cause I said so.

Yeah!

Get the boat back out.

Get the boat back out!

Hey, is that my agent
on the phone?

Past the breakwater!

Get it back out!

Eddie!

Get the boat back to breakwater!

Eddie!

Aah!

Whoa!

Get out there.

What?

There's press here...
be a hero.

Dita, I hate the water.

Go on!

Here! Take it!

Okay.

I got you.

Hang on.

Eddie! Over here!

No. Let go! Let go!

No! No!

Let go of the line!

Damn it! Let go!

On three.

One, two, three.

All right,
ease it in.

I got him.

All right, let's go.
Let's move it.

I'll check with you
in Emergency, huh?

All right.

He shouldn't have
been out there.

Lucky for him,
you were.

Lucky for you, no one
else was seriously hurt.

For services rendered.

I don't accept tips.

That's exactly what a hero
should say.

You know,
you could make

, times that doing
what you just did out there

for the cameras.

What, as a stuntman?

No. As a star.

If he can do it,
anyone can.

I could have the script
rewritten,

make the lead a lifeguard,

who is also
a private eye.

Big rescues, great love scene.

What do you say?

I can't believe
this guy turns down

an opportunity of a lifetime.

Just don't want to be
in some stupid action flick.

Oh, come on, Mitch,
they make millions!

It could've been a
whole new career for you.

My career is saving people.

What about
saving animals?

What's wrong?
Gilly.

How is she?

Eh, she's barely
hanging on.

And if ORCAS closes down,
Gilly and thousands like her

are not gonna survive.

Why would ORCAS
close down?

Why does anything worthwhile
close down?

There's not enough money.

Hey, Mitch, do the words

"Don't fall asleep
in the poppy fields"

mean anything to you?

The Wicked Witch.
Mm.

That is one hell
of a broomstick

she rode in on.

Mitch!

Let's talk.

What do you got to lose?

Forget I said that.

Mitch shouldn't be alone
with her.

She's gonna eat him alive.

I don't get it.

I was there, too,
was I not? Huh?

Rescuing people,
pulling 'em out like tuna.

Why him?
Why did this Dita pick...

pick him to be
the movie star?

What does Mitch have
that I don't?

Eddie, Mitch isn't gonna
do this anyway.

Oh, money, honey,
it's a great motivator.

I can't let him blow this.

I don't get it.

You'd be a believable
hero, Mitch.

"That's" the difference.

Women will fantasize
about you.

Trust me, I know
what women like.

The only time I've ever
been in front of a camera

is when they videotaped
my wedding.

You're married?
Divorced.

So you can see how well
that performance turned out.

Beatty, Selleck...

they have that certain something
that made them a star.

You have it, too, Mitch.

No, I don't.

I- I don't have that.

Listen to me, Mitch.

I only pretend
to be a bitch

because it serves me well
in a very tough business.

And I'm in business
to make money.

So I wouldn't invest it in you

if I wasn't sure
you could do this.

I'm a lifeguard.

And Boz was a football player.

Arnold was a bodybuilder.

They're pro athletes.

What's a lifeguard?

You're a professional
swimmer, and swimmers

are fantastic
athletes.

Mitchie, sweetheart!

Sorry I'm late.
I sent you a fax

from the car...
did you get it?

Hi. Harvey Miller,

Mr. Buchannon's
personal manager.

I'm looking forward to opening
negotiations with you

on my client's behalf.

Ah. Your, uh, client

doesn't seem willing
to entertain my offer.

Oh. Well, that's because I do

all of his entertaining
for him. "

So, what kind of figures
are we talking about here?

Well, I don't think
we should discuss money

in front of your... client.

We have no secrets
from each other, do we, Mitch?

Uh, no...

I want to screen test him.

After we pre-negotiate the deal.

You know, the up front,
the back end.

Of course.

Upon signing,
he becomes "pay or play."

With a buyout.

I'm gonna need name
above the title.

On the sequel,
not the first time out.

Let's talk motor home.

A honey wagon.

- Star wagon.
- Fine.

How much up front?

$ , .
.

- $ , .
- .

$ , on signing

against on the first
day of photography.

It's a done deal.

Done deal.

We'll talk.

I know I shouldn't
be doing this.

No, let me.

I wanted to do this the
first time I saw you.

How come
it took you so long?

Maybe I want
you to suffer.

Or maybe it's because
you're so cold.

"The only thing
cold about me is my g*n. "

The only...

I can't say that.
Who writes this stuff?

Come on, Mitch, remember
what we talked about?

What is your intention
in the scene?

To get this thing over
as quickly as possible.

Listen, you want me
to show him how to do it?

Eddie, there can only be
one director on the set.

This is a living room.

Which is why
you are not the director.

Now, Mitch, look, it's easy.

I need those
headshots by : .

And make sure you touch up
that mark on his chin there.

And put the glint
in his eye, you know?

A couple of those
little white dots.

Hey.
Hmm?

You're not
upset, are you?

No, no, of course not.

I mean, because, you know,

this is just for
Mitch and to help...

Yeah, yeah,
I know, I know, I know.

Well, then
what's wrong?

Nothing, nothing.

You know, if you want to, we
can play this scene tonight,

and I won't even
make you suffer.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Mitch, you can't
change a line.

Remember, this
is a screen test.

You have to treat
every word of the text

as if it
was Shakespeare.

I remember when I was
a contract player at Fox...

Shakespeare was
still alive.

Which is why children
are not allowed on the set.

All right, Mitch, tell me,
what exactly is your motivation?

You got me.

Money, Dad.
We need the money, right?

Right.
Right. Ready?

Let's take it again,
from the top.

Hang on a minute.

Could we do
that other scene?

Let me just try the other scene.

Shauni, no offense
or anything.

Eddie, you know the lines,
you need the sides?

The what?

The sides, the words,
the script.

Oh.

No, no, I know
it, I know this.

Good.

We'll do it over here.

"Hold it right there,
you scuz... "

Eddie, come on,

let's make some room.

Move that back.

Use this for
the chainsaw.

Ah, right.

All right.

Eddie, you're a drug-crazed
k*ller with a chainsaw.

He's got you
cornered.

He's unarmed.

But you know he's deadly.

Ready?

Action.

Mitch. Mitch, line.

Hold it right there!

Scuzbucket!

- Scudbucket.
- Scudbucket.

Like Scud m*ssile, Dad.

Got it, got it.

Hold it right there...

scudbucket.

Stay back, man,
or I'll cut you!

I swear, I'll slice you
into toothpicks!

No way. No way, that thing's
about to run out of gas.

Yeah, well, I hope it does...

right in the middle
of your skull!

What?

What's up, Doc?

How's it going,
Shauni?

Well, from the looks
of things around here,

not so good.

Well, packing
is never fun.

How's Gilly?

You want the truth?

No, maybe you better lie.

Well, I, uh...

I wouldn't get
my hopes up.

Frank, what
would you think

if I did something...
for a good cause...

that I wasn't
real crazy about doing?

Don't do it.

You don't even know
what it is yet.

Okay...

but if it's dangerous
or illegal, don't do it.

I'm talking about
a bikini contest.

How am I supposed to talk
with all this makeup on?

Don't worry, Mitch,

with this sun, it'll probably
melt off after every take.

Over here, over here.

Oh, great, I'll be
standing there

with my face in my shoes.

You should see it out there!

Reflectors,
cameras... action.

I can't do this.

Sure, you can.

Mitch,
you just do it

like you did
in rehearsal.

Okay.
Good.

Without the giggles,
though.

Yeah, without
the giggles.

Oh, come on,
your old man's a natural.

The camera loves him!

Hey, I saw your headshots.

The girls at the photo lab
were swooning.

Now, come on,

get on out there
and show those amateurs

what a real hero
is made out of.

Come on, come on!

All right, Dad,
let's go!

You can do it!

How do I look?
Terrific.

Great! Awesome!
Super!

Okay.

Are there a lot of
people out there?

No.
No, not...

They're just enjoying
the surf and the sand.

They'll hardly know
you're there.

Hardly know
you're there.

Just another day
at the beach, right?

Right. Another day at the beach.

Right! Right. Right, the beach.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

Get back, man,
or I'm gonna cut you!

I'm going to slice you
into toothpicks!

No way, man.

No way, that thing...

That thing's about
to run out of...

Cut!

I'm sorry,
I forgot the lines.

No, no, darling,
not now, please. Not now.

Can just do it
one more time?

I'll get it right.

It's no problem.

Just take it
one line at a time.

Okay? All right?

Wonderful.

Great. Got it.

Ah!

From the top.

Okay, settle!

No way. No way.

Quiet,
please!

All right, let's roll.

No way.

Screen test,
Mitch Buchannon, take .

No way. That things about...

And...

Motivation.

Action.

Hey, Harv, I got
to talk to you.

Not now. Not now.

Hold it right there,
scuzbucket.

Get back, man,
or I'm going to cut you!

I'm going to cut you
into toothpicks!

No way. That thing's
about to run...

No...

Cut!

Cut! Cut!

Could I talk to
you for a second?

Of course, Mitch.

Do you mind
if we do this...

without the saw running?

Without the saw...

What a great idea!

We'll just "pretend"
that it's still running.

But I still want you
to show fear

that the blades are going
to shred this beautiful face.

But only beneath
the surface.

On the surface...
you have no fear.

Play the subtext.

Subtext.
Subtext.

Subtext.

Mop him up.

Let's do it again.

He doesn't want
to do this.

Just make him look good.

Subtext.

What the hell is subtext.

Hey, listen,

I think I know
how to get sponsors

for this bikini
contest of yours.

What? How? How?

How about a
benefit for ORCAS?

What a concept.

Hey... I like it!

It's...
Silence!

Talk to you later.

I'll talk to you later. Okay.

Let's roll.

Mitch Buchannon,

take .

"Scudbucket. "

And...

Just be cool, just be cool.

Action!

Hold it right there...

scuzbucket!

Scudbucket!

Cut!

No, no!
No, keep rolling.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Sorry, sorry.

Hold it right there...

scudbucket.

Help! Help!

This guy's crazy,
help us!

Hey!

Leave her alone!

Keep sh**ting!
Keep sh**ting!

Yeah, go.

Ah...

Get him. Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Oh!

You better have
these ribs looked at.

Yeah.
And that face.

Let me see.

I want my leading man
to be in perfect shape.

That means
he got the job!

Now, make
yourself useful...

go get that crazy
to sign a release

so we can use
this footage.

You got it!

Well done.
Well done.

You were terrific!

Hey, this
looks great.

Thanks!

I've got some more
promotional pamphlets inside.

Great.

Yeah, I think
you signed up

every surf shop
and restaurant

between the Orange
and Ventura County line.

Yeah, and I got
Jag bathing suits

to underwrite some
of the expenses.

I just hope that
we got enough girls.

Well, all we really need is you,
my little rumpus room.

Oh, no, I've got
a million things to do

if I'm going to get this
put on in time.

Hey, hey, I got a slew
of lifeguards

who are willing to put up
a ton of money

to sponsor one of their own.

Well, then, they're just going
to have to get one of their own.

Who?

Hmm...

You talkin' to me?

Hey!

Hey, yeah, you.

You talkin' to me?

You doing
your homework?

Uh, the door was open.

Don't worry, I locked it.

Hi.

I've just come
from the editing room.

Has anyone ever told you
you have

the bluest eyes?

I had nothing to do with that.

The fight scene is fantastic.

I think we should work
on making the love scene

equally realistic.

Um, uh, I got a
little boy upstairs.

I won't make a sound.

Um...
Mm, mm...

I am going
to make you a superstar.

But Dita,
Mm...

I don't think this
was part of the deal.

Well, call it
an oral agreement.

Mitch... Mitch,
don't disappoint me.

I'm sorry.

I think you
better leave.

You're not being
very smart, Mitch.

No, I kinda think

this is the smartest thing
I've done

since I got involved
in this mess.

All right.

You're going to regret this.

Maybe I will...

...but I'll live with it.

You talkin' to me?

I can't believe
you did that...

or didn't.

I couldn't.

But she's a fox.

Oh, that's not the point.

Wait a minute.

Were you fired,
or did you quit?

I think I was fired.
What's the difference?

You signed the contract, though,
didn't you?

Yeah.

Yes! Pay or play, baby!

Pay or play!

Feedback... that's my cue.
Got to go!

Pay or play, yes!

What do you think?

L.A. County's got
the best-looking women?

Yeah!

Well, if I could have
just one minute of your time,

I want to tell you
that we also have

a very important environmental
responsibility to uphold.

Every year,
thousands of sea mammals

need medical treatment
to survive

and they're not getting
enough help,

so please spend some money.

Pick your favorite girl
and back her with some cash

so that we can keep ORCAS open,
and that's all I have to say.

Thank you.

Hey, come on! Come on!

Shut up! Shut up!

Why you clapping?
I'm not wearing a bikini!

Well, all right,
I'm wearing a bikini.

Underneath this shirt
and these shorts

I am wearing a teeny,

tiny pair of briefs.

It's not a pretty sight,

"but" since...

...my lifeguard buddies
have chosen to sponsor me...

...you guys better come up
with some bucks

if you want your contestant
to win because,

folks, this is strictly
pay-per-view.

All right, okay,

now it's time now for the final
contestant showdown.

Ladies, strut your stuff.

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Okay, now it's time
to announce the winner

of our competition.

This will be the contestant
with the most money pledged

on her behalf.

And the winner is...

Envelope, please.

Thank you.

With a grand total
of $ , ...

Har...

Harvey Miller!

Whoo! Whoo!

But the real winner
is the ORCAS Foundation

with a grand total
of $ , ! Whoo!

Hello, sweetie.

Hi, Gilly.

How are you today? Mm?

Are you feeling better?

Are you feeling better?

You look so pretty.

How long before
she can be released?

She's regained
a lot of strength.

I think that we can let her go
before we close up tomorrow.

I'm really sorry
it wasn't enough.

Shauni, raising this much money

on such short notice
was unbelievable.

I know. I know.

I just wish
I would have known sooner.

There were a lot
of corporate people

that I didn't get to wrestle...

Hey, what's happening?

Oh, no. Why all
the sad faces?

We came up short.

Short?

How short?

$ , .

Unbelievable coincidence.

"$ , ." Mitch?

Pay or play. Pay or play.

I had no idea what it
meant until yesterday.

Can you believe it?

Harvey finally came through.

Mitch, you really need
this money.

No, no, it's okay.

Look, the truck
is running.

Hobie can play hockey.

These guys wouldn't stand
a chance without this place.

Thank you.

I don't know what to say.

You're a good girl.

Yes, you're a good girl.

Here we go. Everybody ready?

Come on, Gilly, get up there.

Go!

Really great.

Appreciate it.