02x24 - Maude

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

come on, Edith.
We'll miss the bus.

Be there in a minute.
What's she doing
up there?

Calm down, daddy.

Yeah, arch. Your bus
doesn't leave for an hour.

You got plenty of time.
What's the big rush?

The big rush is,
it takes minutes
to get into Times Square.

It takes five minutes
to walk over
to the bus terminal.

It takes another six minutes
to buy the tickets.

That leaves only four minutes
for your mother-in-law to go
to the ladies room,

which she's always got to do.

That's why I never wanna
take her no place.

Edith, hurry up
or the ladies room is out!

Go on. Get her, will you?

For a guy who's been
complaining about this trip
for the last three weeks,

you sure seem in
a hurry to get there.
It'll be a cold day in hell...

When I'm in a hurry
to see Edith's cousin maude.

I just hate missing buses,
that's all. It started
with me a long time ago.

One day Edith and me,
we got to get over
to bayside hospital.

We missed the q- bus.
Had to wait minutes
to get another one.

I thought Edith was
gonna give birth to Gloria
right there on the sidewalk.

When Edith was having Gloria,
you took her to the hospital
on a bus?

That's right, meathead.
The subway don't run to bayside.

Come on, Edith.
I'm all packed, Archie.

Oh, my, it's gonna be
so exciting.

We'll be so busy.

There's the bridal
shower tonight,

and then tomorrow
is the bridal supper.

And, of course,
Saturday is the big day.

Wrong, Edith.
Sunday's the big day.

That's the day
we take the bus home.

If your cousin maude says
one wrong word to me,

we're gonna be leaving
before the bride
takes the shower.

Daddy, her only daughter's
getting married.

Cousin maude will be
in a good mood. She'll
welcome you with open arms.

I don't care
what she's got open,

as long as she's got
her big mouth closed.

Get everything here.
Good-bye.

See you later, arch.
Bye, ma. Have a good time.

Oh, we will.

Maude was thrilled when
I told her we was coming.

Look, I don't want
Archie bunker here
any more than you do.

I invited Edith
because I love her.

And everywhere Edith goes,
Archie goes.
Like that vaudeville act.

There's the front end
of the horse
and then there's Archie.

But, mother, inviting him
was such a rotten thing to do.

You never said a word
about the bunkers,

and the guest list
was made up six weeks ago.

Honey, if I had told you then,
we would have fought
for a month and a half.

This way it's only
a one-hour brawl
and I win.

But, mother, Archie could
wreck the whole wedding,
and you know that.

And what's gonna happen
when he finds out
that David is Jewish?

I can hear him now.

"Good night, nurse.
She's marrying a Jew."

Well, let him.
David will know
how to handle it.

He'll spot Archie
for what he is right away.

Being Jewish
he has that wonderful
sensitivity that I love so much.

It's a trait of theirs.

A trait of theirs?

Mother, will you
listen to yourself?

What you have just
said is a reverse
anti-semitic cliche.

You can say that to me?

Why, just last month
I had a tree planted
in Israel.

I happen to feel
that Jews are brilliant,

which is why I have
a Jewish doctor and a Jewish
lawyer and a Jewish accountant.

You forgot to mention
your brilliant
Jewish plumber.

Walter, please,
your daughter
and I are fighting.

I have just been accused
of being anti-semitic.

I never said
you were anti-semitic.

You bet I'm not.
I happen to be
a Hubert Humphrey democrat.

What does that mean?

It means she's
not anti-anything.

Carol, when the rosenblatts
moved in next door,

wasn't I the first one
to go over and welcome them?

And they have been constantly
in and out of this house
ever since.

But you hate the rosenblatts.

Because they are constantly
in and out of this house.

I can't tell you
how I'm dreading this shower.

I don't know why you had
to involve me in a wedding
in the first place.

David and I have this
terrific relationship going
just as it is.

Why take a chance
on messing it up
by getting married?

Honey, I know you're
just upset because I didn't
tell you about the bunkers.

It's not just the bunkers.
It's this whole
archaic ritual...

Of bridal showers
and wedding gifts
and "thank you" notes.

Carol, I hate bridal showers
as much as you do,

but after the hundreds
of gifts that I've given
through the years,

my daughter is going
to get hers.

Maude, you're
a crass materialist.

Right, and you're
going to profit by it.

Maude--
please, Walter,
we're still fighting.

Good. While you're hot,
we got a little problem
with Mr. dishwasher over here.

He wasn't able to fix the thing,
but he still wants bucks
for a house call.

You're kidding.

That's right, lady.
That's what I get.

Come over here.
What's your name, honey?

Marvin.
Marvin. Listen, Marvin.

A lot of people might feel that
charging $ for a house call
is unreasonable,

and I'd like you
to count me among them.

Now, look, lady--
quiet. I'll tell you what
we're going to do, Marvin.

I am going
to give you this money...

And you are going to leave
with this thought in mind.

"I have just made $ .
for doing absolutely nothing."

Two dollars?
No need
to thank me, Marvin.

No need to thank me.
Now, let me see you smile.

Lady--
that is
a sweet smile, Marvin.

If you had an upper lip,
you'd be gorgeous.

Look, lady--
good-bye, Marvin,
and have a good life.

Maude,
you're beautiful.
Thank you, darling.

You two are really
something else.

It's like mom's the police dog
and you're the trainer.

Anytime there's a problem,
it's "maude, sic 'em."

It's very simple,
Carol.

I'm the firm, quiet,
more reserved type
who guides.

Your mother, with her
more dominant than charming
personality, is the k*ller.

[ Doorbell rings ]

That's the beauty
of your relationship.
And that's your women's lib.

Hi, David.
Hi, sweetheart.

I'll be with you
in a minute, David.
I just wanna get your present.

That's why I stopped by.
To tell you I can't take you
to the bachelor party.

Bernie's car broke down,
so I have to pick him up,
which gives me a full car.

You know fat Bernie.
But don't worry about it.
Tommy's gonna pick you up.

David, it is unlucky
for the groom to fondle
the bride before the wedding.

Can I fondle the mother?

I'll fondle the father.
Oh, get out of here.

You superstitious?
Yes, I am.

Have a nice shower.
Have a nice
bachelor party.

Thank God he didn't see you
in that wedding dress.

I wanted to ask you
about that dress.

What? Don't you like it?
It's fine, but how come
you're gonna wear white?

Because after the wedding,
I'm gonna sell good humors.

Walter, brides wear white.

It's a symbol
of purity and innocence.

And for what you're thinking,
bite your tongue.

I was just wondering,
that's all.

She was married before.
She has an eight-year-old son.

She's had
a half dozen affairs.

So in all that heavy traffic,
how did she manage
that tricky u-turn...

Back to purity and innocence?

God'll get you
for that, Walter.

Walter, I'm wearing white
because mother insisted
that I wear white.

If I had my own way,
I'd wear pink polka dots.

And as for that bit
about the bride
being virginal...

While the groom
can be anything he wants...

Is just another example
of typical male chauvinism.

Oh, come on.
And you talk
about women's lib.

Walter, I am shocked.
How can you talk
to your daughter that way?

She's not my daughter.
She's your second husband's
daughter,

a fact that really
saddens me.

I'm standing here,
slowly going broke
from this wedding...

While he's lying comfortably
at his grave free and clear.

You know perfectly well
that Chester was buried at sea.

On our honeymoon.

Maude, I like Carol.

It's just that at my age,
I also like a little peace
and quiet,

and I've had neither
since she moved
in here three years ago...

With that dumb kid
of hers.
Phillip is not dumb.

I don't know who created
the fiction that every
little kid is smart.

But it is a fiction.
Phillip is dumb, maude.
He's a dumb kid.

Phillip is
eight years old, Walter.

You are , and already
he is twice as smart as you are.

For example, do you still intend
to give the groom this tonight?

- Why not? It's perfect
for the occasion.
- [ Doorbell rings ]

It is not perfect, Walter.
It is in rotten taste...

To give the groom a box
of nodoz for the wedding night.

Oh, Edith!

Oh, Carol!

[ Pounding ]

Now, Archie,

I'm gonna give it
to you straight so
there won't be any trouble.

Carol is marrying
a boy of the Jewish faith.

Good night, nurse.
She's marrying a Jew.

What did I tell you?

What are you gonna do, maude?
You're gonna let me in there?

Or you're gonna give me a break
and let me go home in peace?

Come on in.
Come on, Archie,

and say hello
to Carol.

What's your new name gonna be?

Mrs. David green.

It's your life.

Say hello to Walter.

Hello, Walter there.
Hello, Archie.

Oh, my, we're gonna have
such a good time.

You bet we are.
I just love weddings.

You're telling us, maude.
You've been married yourself
four times.

Nothing personal,
but a guy could go broke...

Just buying wedding presents
for your side of the family.

Still fighting
mental health, huh, Archie?

You know, Walter,
considering everything,

I'm surprised to see you
looking so good.

- Watch it, Archie.
- Maude, Archie,
this is a wedding,

and you promised you
wouldn't fight this weekend.
[ Horn honking ]

That's for us, Archie.
Come on. Let's go.

Where we going?
I just got here.

David's friends are
giving him a bachelor party
and you're invited too.

What do you mean?
One of them fun
bachelor parties?

Yeah. All the guys
are chipping in
ten bucks apiece.

Hold it. Hold it.
Include me out
of that there.

Leave it to a hebe to charge
admission to his own party.

What's he gonna do,
sell tickets
to the wedding too?

He's all yours, maude.

You know what I like
about you, Archie?

- What's that, maude?
- Nothing.

Maude, I ain't blind.

I notice since I come in here
you try to insult me.

Mother, for your sake, I'm
trying to control myself,
but if he isn't out--

Archie, the shower
is for ladies.

And since you ain't going
to the bachelor party,

wouldn't you
like to go back
to the motel?

Oh, no, Edith.
No dice to that.

I ain't going nowhere
without you.

I'm staying here.
I'm gonna plant myself right in
the middle of this here couch.

[ Doorbell rings ]
What did I tell you, mother?
I knew he'd do something.

I don't know
why the-- hello!

How are you?

Ladies, ladies, come with me.
Come with me.

Ladies! Ladies!

I have something
to show you.

This is a Mr. bunker.

And he insists on staying
with us girls for the shower.

Edith! Edith! Edith!

Come here.

You ain't Edith.
Get out of here.

Edith! Edith!

Get over here.
Yeah, Archie.

I'm going. You got your way.
Stay here. Enjoy yourself
with your dopey friends.

I'll go back to the motel
and stay there all alone.

Oh, Archie.

Don't worry, Edith.
He can go back
and watch television.

Governor Wallace is
on the tonight show
and he'll love it.

Bye, darling.
Thank you all for coming.

Thank you, sweetheart.
It was just lovely.

Give my love to Roger.

My God, I'm tired.

That was the best shower
I've ever been to.

Oh, the presents
is so beautiful,

and some of them
was so funny.

I thought I'd die...

When that girl gave you
a box of nodoz
for your honeymoon.

I'm glad you liked
that one, Edith.

Oh, I loved it,

especially after
you explained it to me.

Edith,
you're wonderful.

[ Boy ]
Mommy, I want
a drink of water.

Phillip's awake.
I'll be right there, honey.

Let me take it to him, Carol.
I'll tell him a story.

Oh, I ain't told
a bedtime story for years.

- Thanks, Edith. You're a doll.
- Carol, let's have a drink.

We'll clean up
the mess later.
Good idea.

A final toast.

This is the second shower
I've thrown for you,
and may it be the last.

Actually, you haven't
thrown me two showers.
This is the first.

This is your
second marriage.
So?

So, I counted it up
on my little fingers and
that comes to two showers.

Count again, mother.
Pete and I eloped.
Sweetheart, two showers.

One before you
eloped with Peter
and one before David.

Mother, you don't have
elopement showers.

The shower you're thinking of
is the one I threw for you
when you married Walter.

Honey, you threw me a shower
when I married Albert,
not Walter.

Mother, you're getting senile.
You eloped with Albert.

Look, don't tell me
who I eloped with.

I eloped with your father
and with Fred, not Albert.

I threw you a shower,
and it wasn't Albert.

Now, honey, look.
Listen to mother.

In years, we have had
three showers, right?

So that means you threw me
either Albert or Walter...

Because I threw you
Peter and David.

I threw you Walter,
but you did not throw me
Pete and David, just David.

At least we agree
on David and Walter.
Right.

And then I threw
you Peter.

You did not.

Four days before
you married Peter,
I threw you a shower.

Mother, that's impossible.

Pete and I were living together.
People thought we were
already married.

That's it.
It was a baby shower.

Get away from me.
What a party.
What a terrific party.

Close the door,
stupid.
What are you so angry about?

- You were
the life of the party.
- David, Walter, what happened?

Thanks to David
and his friends,
the police raided the party.

- The police raided the party?
- What do you mean the police
raided the party?

What police? What raid?
Two cops? One was short.

Walter, you were
the oldest boy there, and I
hold you directly responsible.

And I should've known
when your friends got
that motel suite...

That some girls
would show up.

David, there were girls
at your party?

Why not?
You had girls
at your party.

That's not funny, David.

If you blew that boy's
bachelor party, I am sending
back the king-size bed.

David, just how many girls
were at the party?

Well, let's see.
There were
the two brunettes.

- There was a redhead
with a guitar.
- Don't forget the belly dancer.

The belly dancer?
There was
a belly dancer.

There was a redhead
with a guitar.
You already mentioned her.

Yeah, she was the standout.
She rode him around
the room piggyback...

Singing
"marching to pretoria."

David!

What's the matter?
You don't like that song?

I can't believe this.
That's what you do.
It's a bachelor party.

You fool around.
Two days
before the wedding?

We're individuals, right?
You got two days.

You can fool around
if you want.
That's not the point.

Wait a minute. What
happened to that liberated
female I'm gonna married...

With all those speeches
that come pouring out
of your mouth,

all those liberal views?

You're right, David.
I'm sorry.

Anything you did at
your bachelor party is okay.
After all, I'm no angel myself.

- And that's the truth, David.
- Mother, please.

What's the difference?

Once we're married, I won't
be fooling around anymore.

We'll be living in that
new house I bought today,
and everything will be fine.

- What?
- Oh!

I wanted it
to be a surprise.

I bought us
a new house today.

You bought a house today?
Tudor.

He bought you a house.
Oh, you darling,
you bought her a house.

Mother, this is
between David and me.
You bought a house...

And you didn't ask me about it?
Wait till you see
the kitchen.

The kitchen
is fabulous.
I'm not gonna be in the kitchen.

Electric stove.
I don't even like to cook.

When you quit your job,
you'll love to cook.
I'm gonna decorate.

Wait. Stop. Go back.
I'm gonna decorate.

Further than that.
About my job.
And you quit your job.

Uh-uh. I'm not
gonna quit my job.

Of course you're
gonna quit your job.

Who's gonna
take care of the kids?
Kids?

We're gonna have three kids--
you have decided
on three children...

- And you haven't asked me?
- You'll get them.
You'll get them.

Mother, will you go
over there and sit down?
But, honey--

- Walter.
- Maude, sit.

What if I don't
want any more kids?
I already have one.

That's right.
She already has a kid.
Phillip is not dumb.

David, suppose I don't want
any more children?

Of course you're
gonna want children.
That's a woman's function--

[ screams ]
I don't believe
I'm hearing this.

I don't believe you've
planned my whole life for me
without consulting me.

You bought a house.
I had to move fast on the house.
That was a good bargain.

I should've known
you couldn't pass up
a good bargain.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- I don't know.

Is that some reference
to the fact that I'm Jewish?

Do you wanna see if I bleed?
You wanna see if a Jew bleeds?

Walter, give me the knife.
You want a pound of my blood?

- Don't be foolish.
- David, stop it.

What's the matter with you
people? Don't you know Jews
are like everybody else?

We drink,
we gamble, corral,
unfaithful to our wives.

That's not true.

Everybody knows
that Jewish boys
make the best husbands.

It's a known fact.
Look it up.

On the surface,
that sounds all right, but
that's an anti-semitic remark.

Walter, come on. Let's go.
It's your turn. Let's go.

Well, you are talking
with your hands.
Walter!

He's kidding! He's kidding!
Tell him you're kidding!

I knew it.
I was waiting for this.

My mother told me it might take
a year, two years, maybe three,

but sooner or later,
if I married into this family,
one of you would crack,

and the anti-semitic remarks
would come pouring out.

Hold on just a minute.
You said you've been
waiting for this.

You've been waiting
for something like this
to happen.

For two years,
while I've been loving you,

you've been waiting for me
to make an anti-semitic remark.

Do you know what that is?
That is anti-gentile feeling
on your part.

We all feel that way.

Aha!
Aha!

I said that?

I said that.
That came out of my-- wow.

Well, that's, uh--
well, where do we go from here?

I'll tell you exactly
where we go from here.
Walter, get the champagne,

and we'll forget everything
that's been said.

Mother, it's not possible
to forget everything
that's been said.

I'm really
surprised at you.
David, you gave me no idea.

The wedding is off.
To the bride
and groom.

Not to this
bride and groom.
To freedom.

To my new house with
the "for sale" sign
in front.

To the bride and groom.
To living my own life.

I said,
"to the bride and groom."

You don't understand.
David and I have decided
to cool it.

Cool it?
What does that mean?
That means the wedding is off.

What? Thirty women just ate
$ worth of food here.

I got a banquet hall hired
and a caterer waiting
for the reception.

Can I see you
for a moment?
Yes.

I know. I guess
we have a lot to talk about.

I'll call you.

We'll have coffee.
Okay.

Wait a minute, David.
Where you going?
I said wait a minute.

What am I gonna do
with a three-piece band?

Tell them to play
"marching to pretoria."

David. David! David! David!

See you next week
at the American civil
liberties meeting?

Oh, Carol, honey.

You know, I'm not
very good at quiet talk.

Yelling is my long suit.

I don't know.
I'm trying to say something
and I hope it comes out right.

What I'm trying to say is,

I want you to know that I care.

I know you care.

Thank you, mother.
Oh, honey, listen.

Everything passes in time.

And who knows?
David may still work out.

Even if it doesn't,
it'll work out with
somebody else. Look at us.

It took your mother
four tries before she
was lucky enough to get me.

See why I love that man?

His modesty.

What's going on?
Am I missing something?

Only the wedding, Edith.
It's off.

Oh. I wondered
what she was laughing at.

Geez, I'm glad
somebody's laughing
and having a good time here.

Archie, what are
you doing here?

The same thing I was doing
at the motel, Edith--
not sleeping.

They was having
a wild party over there.
People screaming and yelling.

One crazy dame
was marching to astoria.

Around :
I couldn't take it no more.

I had to call the cops
to come and break it up.

I should've known.

I should've known too, maude.
I never would've went
to the joint.

You fink.
Huh?

If you hadn't
called the cops,
nothing would have happened.

What is she talking about?
If there hadn't
been a raid,

there never would have been
this fight here tonight.

Archie, you have ruined
my daughter's wedding.

Well, then that
makes us even, maudie,
'cause you ruined my weekend.

Ow!

You stepped on my foot.

Maude, I had
a marvelous time.

Carol, I can't tell you
how sorry I am.

Thanks, Edith.
Yeah, Carol,
I was gonna tell you--

Archie, there's
no need to apologize.

All you did was
mess up a party.

I messed up my own wedding.

That's what
I was gonna tell you.
It ain't my fault.

Come on, Edith.
We've got a long trip.

Let's get going.
Bye. Bye.

Keep smiling there, maudie.

Archie. Here.
You don't wanna forget
your wedding present.

Oh, no. I tell you
what you do, maude.

You keep it here on
what you call a deposit
for the next wedding.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.