02x19 - Archie and Edith Alone

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

Gloria, will you hurry it up?
Your father's got me in another
one of his stupid arguments.

That's 'cause when
you're arguing
about something stupid...

With somebody who's also stupid,
the argument is
bound to be stupid.

Right, stupid?

Come on, Gloria!
We're gonna miss the bus!

Oh, she missed the bus
the day she said
"I do" to you.

Will you lay off, arch?

Here, Mike. I made you
something to eat in case
you get hungry on the trip.

On the trip?
He's gonna woof that down
walking to the subway.

Daddy, will you lay off Michael?
We're gonna be gone
for eight days.

Do we have to leave
on an angry note?

With him, is there
any other way? Come on.
Let me help you with your pack.

Oh, help her with her pack.
Look at this here.

He's loading her up
like she's a mule.

All so they can go away
and live with a bunch
of commie slobs.

Daddy, they're not communists,
and you know it.

They're members
of a farming commune.

People who live in communes
are comm-u-nists.

You're wrong, daddy.
Why are you putting down
a group of kids...

Who are trying to build a life
based on love and sharing?

I know all about
that kind of sharing.

First, it's "pass the bread."

Next, it's "kindly
pass your wife."

Come on, Michael.
We're gonna be late.

No, wait a second.
All week you've been treating
us like criminals...

Just because we're gonna
spend a few days
with some people...

Who are sick and tired
of your dog-eat-dog world.

If everybody run off and lived
in them communes, what do you
think are gonna happen, huh?

Who'd run the machinery of this
world? Who'd drive the subways?
How would I get to work?

But, arch, not everyone
is gonna run off to a commune.

Don't you see?
It's a question of each man
doing his own thing.

Your thing just happens to be
grubbing for a living in this
polluted, grime-ridden city.

And your thing
is spongin' off of my thing.

- Good-bye.
- And good "ribbance."

You can stay in that commune
for life for all I care.

I just might stay, arch. And if
I do, that means your daughter's
staying with me. Come on.

Don't be too sure there!
Blood is thicker than water!
Don't you never forget that!

Gloria, Mike, you will
come back, won't you?

Gloria?

Well, have a good time.

Did you hear that?
He said he might
never come back.

Aw, baloney.
We ain't gonna lose him
till we sell the refrigerator.

Archie, do you realize
this is the first time...

We've been alone for years?
[ Grunts in affirmation ]

We got eight whole days
ahead of us.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, my.

I feel like I did
on our honeymoon--
all goose pimply.

I remember.

Could hardly find you
behind all them bumps.

Archie,

do you like
being alone with me?

Certainly I like being
alone with you, Edith.

Turn on the tv.

Oh, let's not watch tv.

We don't talk enough.

You talk enough, Edith.

Archie?
Yeah?

I miss the kids.

They just left, Edith.
I don't miss them.

We're gonna have a beautiful,
peaceful week here without them.

They're doin'
what they wanna do.
We can do what we wanna do.

Got a lot of privacy now. We can
do a lot of things we couldn't
do with the kids hangin' around.

Yeah.

Like what?

Edith, like, uh--
like anything you wanna name.

Like, for instance,
we can get into the "toirlet"
whenever we want.

Oh, Archie.

I know.

Let's put on a record
and dance.

What?
Yeah.

The other day I found
our old copy of Glenn Miller's
"moonlight serenade."

Aw, geez.
Remember how we
used to dance to that?

Oh, Edith, come on, huh?

Remember how you used to
hold me in your arms,
[ Groans ]

And I used to snuggle up
against your cheek?

♪
oh, come on.

Look out, Edith.
You're tearing the paper here.
Come on.

Come on, will ya?
Act your age.

Even Fred Astaire
and ginger Rogers
don't dance together no more.

And turn that thing off.

Turn it off, Edith.

Come on. Sit down over here
and be nice and quiet.

You want part of the paper?

Archie, I'm scared.

You're scared of what?

Of what if the kids
do leave permanent?

Because that's when
marriages fall apart.

The husband and wife
are left alone,

and all of a sudden,
they don't know
each other no more.

They kind of drifted apart.

They got nothin' in common.

Edith, where do you get
all this crapola?

Well, I heard it on television
from Dr. Joyce brothers.

Aw, geez!

She calls it
the "marriage vacuum."
[ Groans ]

When a husband and wife
don't do nothin' together
no more.

All right, Edith.
You wanna do
somethin' together?

I'll tell ya
what we'll do.

First, you go out
in the kitchen
and get me some beer.

Yeah?
And then I'll drink it.

Come on, Edith.
Don't fall apart.

I was only kiddin' ya.
Hey, you wanna play some cards?
Yeah.

You go out in the kitchen,
you get the beer.

I'll get the cards.
We'll play a couple of hands.

Good. That'll be fun.

[ Chuckling ]

Geez.

There's one thing true
about marriage.

It keeps you
from readin' the paper.

What kind of cards
you wanna play there, Edith?

Gin rummy, Archie dear.
Okay.

Anything you want.

Don't make no difference
to me what game I beat ya at.

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah.

I guess we're out of beer.
Huh?

I'm sorry. I guess
I forgot to buy it.

Aw, geez, Edith.
I don't ask for much
around here.

Is it too much to ask you
to keep some beer in the house?

I said I was sorry.

Aw, geez.
How you gonna play a game
of rummy without no beer?

[ Sighs ]

A man's got a right to expect
a few little things
from his wife.

Well, a wife's got a right
to expect a few little things
from her husband.

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

And what few little things
do you expect?

I expect you to say
you're sorry sometimes.

Why should I say I'm sorry?
I didn't forget the beer.

You done that.
You say you're sorry.

Aw, geez.
Here we go again.

I know that look.
That's your family's trademark.

Whenever they got somethin'
festering up inside 'em,

they always go skinny
in the nose.

And they get that
little frozen look
around the mouth there.

Yeah, that's it.

That's just the way
your relatives was looking
at me the day you married me.

Well, come on.
Get it over with. What is it?

Well, I've been thinkin'.

In all the years
we been married,

you never once said
you was sorry.

Edith, I'll gladly say I'm sorry
if I am ever wrong.

Come on. We're out here
to have a little fun.

Here, pick up your cards,
get them together.

Let's play
a little cards, huh?
All right, Archie.

[ Sighs ]
Let's see what I got
myself here. Hey. Ooh.

Hey. Ooh, ooh. Ooh!

It's not so bad at all.
All right. Let's go.
Play the game.

You don't want the four
of diamonds.
Pick from the deck.

Let's go. That's the way.
This card, now. Come on.
Hey! Hey!

Look at that.
Ten of hearts.

It goes right in there
like it had a pair of eyes.

I give you a little deuce there,
but this card goes.

There we are.

Ten of spades! Look at that!
Edith, what are you doing here?

What's the name of this game?
Gin rummy.

[ Chuckling ]
You gave it to me on
a silver platter there, Edith.

How many points you got?

Oh, look at this.
You're loaded there.
You got--

wait a minute.
What are you doing?
Don't you see?

You broke up
your own run here, Edith.

You got the nine Jack,
the queen of spades.
You gave me the ten of spades.

- Is it my deal?
- No, wait a minute.
Forget the deal.

You don't play that bad.

You gave me this ten of spades
on purpose.

- I did?
- Yeah, you did.
Why'd you do that?

Well, Archie,

I thought it would
make you feel better
if I let you win.

What?

That will be the day--
when I gotta win
by you letting me win.

I was winning here before you
let me win.

You know what you done now?
You spoiled the game.
I don't wanna play no more.

You wanna do something together,
do something together
by yourself.

Archie, I'm sorry.

I thought I was doing
a good thing.

Oh, sure. A good thing.
That's you all over.

You're always doing good.
Edith the good.

You never get mad at nobody.
You never holler at nobody.

You never swear.
No nothing.

You're like a Saint.
You think it's fun
living with a Saint?

It ain't.
It ain't at all.

Look at this--
you don't even cheat to win.

You cheat to lose!

I mean, Edith,
you ain't human!

That's a terrible thing
to say.

I'm just as human as you are.

Prove you're
just as human as me.
Do something rotten.

All right. I will.

You're a-- you're--
you're a-- oh!

I can't.
I know you can't.

You can't do nothing
that ain't good.
You ain't human.

I am so human!

How can you say that I'm not
after years of marriage?

How can you stand there
and say I'm not hu--
[ Sobbing ]

Aw, geez,
now you're gonna cry on me.
I can't help it.

That was a terrible thing
to say.

I can't stand here
and fight with you
if you're gonna cry.

I can't help it.
I'm sorry.

You say you're sorry,
and I'll stop crying.
[ Sobbing ]

Stop that! Stop that!

Archie, things will
never be the same between us...

If you don't
say you're sorry!

Are you gonna stop crying?
I can't!

Then that's it!
Archie,
where are you going?

I'm gonna go out!
Please say you're sorry!

I'll give you one more chance
to stop crying!

You gonna stop?
I can't!

Then that's it!
You pushed me too far, Edith!

Too far! Too far!

No, maude.
It's been a whole week now,

and Archie
ain't said he's sorry.

Sure, we talk.
Every night he says to me,
"I'll see you later.

I'm going down to kelcy's bar."

No, I ain't forgiving him
until he says--

[ Archie ] Jimmy,
I'll see you tomorrow.
There's Archie.

I'd better hang up.
Good night.

♪ Oh, you can easily see
she's not my mother ♪

♪ because my mother's
ba, ba, ba, boo ♪

♪ and you can easily see
she's not my sister ♪

♪ 'cause I wouldn't give
my sister such
a hell of a good time ♪

♪ and you can easily see
she's not my sweetie ♪

♪ 'cause my sweetie's
so refined ♪

♪ she's just a fun-loving kid ♪

♪ she didn't know what she did ♪

♪ she's just
a personal friend of mine ♪

good evening, Archie.

Hey, Edith. Hey, Edith.
Look at me. Look at me.

You know what I am?
You know what
you're looking at here?

The electric
shuffleboard champion
of kelcy's bar and grill.

Oh, Edith, you should've
been down there.

Nobody could stop me.
I was beating them all.

Zip, bam. Zip, bam.
Zip, bam, bam, bam! Bam!

Crowd gathering all around me.
You know what they
was calling themselves?

"Archie's army."

I didn't disappoint nobody.
I retired undefeated.

I'll get you some coffee.

Don't you put yourself
to no trouble there, Edith.

It's no trouble.
It's my job.

Thank you.
Thank you, Edith.

You're welcome, Archie.

♪ [ Whistling ]

Hey, uh--
hey, Edith dear,

did you enjoy yourself
around here this evening?

I mean, did anything
nice happen, or-- huh?

Well, we got a telegram
from the kids.

They're fine.
They're coming home tonight.

Oh, hey,
that's swell, Edith.

Maybe we'll get back to normal
around here, huh?

Not exactly, Archie.

Here's your coffee.
I'm going to bed. Good night.

Wait a minute. Wait.

Wait a minute there, Edith.
Come on, will you?

It's the shank of the evening.
You don't have to
go up there now.

Just let me finish my coffee,
and I'll go with you.

Just sit down here, huh?
Just for a minute or two.

There. Ain't that nice?

Just the way you want it now--
the two of us together.

Oh, boy,
that's great coffee, Edith.
I'll say one thing for you.

- You always made great coffee.
- Thank you.

Oh, yeah, I know
what I want to tell you.

- You remember cliff hogan?
- No.

Oh, well,
it's just as well anyhow.

He was arrested tonight
in kelcy's bar. No kidding.

The cops come in there,
they dragged him out
from under his beer.

You know why?
He was beating his wife.

I think a lot of guys
do that, Edith.

That's why so many dames
sh**t their husbands.

- Did you ever think about
taking a shot at me?
- No.

That's good.

I never thought about
sh**ting you neither.

It's nice when two people
get along together, huh?

- Right, Edith?
- Have you finished your coffee?

Wait a minute.
Where are you running away to?

Can't you just sit down here
for a little while? Huh?

I mean, don't you see
what I'm trying to do?
I'm trying to be nice.

I'm trying to make you happy.
Now, be happy! Will you?

You know what
would make me happy.

I'm waiting to hear you say
your sorry.

And nothing
will be right between us
until I hear you say it.

You are selfish, Edith!
That's what you are-- selfish!

You're always
thinking about yourself.

What would happen
to this little family here
if I'd done that, huh?

I've got a lot of things
on my mind too, you know.

What things?
Oh, listen,
plenty of things.

Some of them
are important.

Well, tell me.
What are they?

Well, I mean--
like for instance--

all right. Remember that time
three years ago, down at work?

I was supposed to move upstairs
to the office there.

- You know why I never did?
- No. Why?

Well, because--

if I tell you this,
you gotta promise
you'll never tell a soul,

living or dead.

- I promise.
- All right.

I didn't get that promotion...

Because I didn't
finish high school.

Oh, Archie,
I never knew that.

Well, I didn't want you to be
ashamed of me-- you and Gloria.

And I didn't think
that the meathead knew--

don't you ever
blab this to the meathead.

If he finds out about this,
he'll go around thinking
he's smarter than me.

- I won't tell.
- Anyway, I nearly finished.

I had to quit my last term,
get a job. You know,
help out at home.

Oh, Archie.

Oh, Edith, things were tough
around them times, I tell you.

Boy, I was lucky
to get the job--

pushing a hand truck
full of ladies' ready-to-wear
up and down th Avenue.

Yeah. They used to call me
the "goisha" kid.

That's 'cause I was
the only gentile, I guess,
in the whole garment district.

You know, except for a sprinkle
of the dagos.

Which they might as well
be Jews anyhow.

I'm sorry about
your not graduating.

I'll tell you
something else too.

If I had stood in high school
there and graduated,

I might have been a pitcher
in the major leagues.

You wanted to be
a baseball player?

That's right, Edith.
I'll tell you something else.

When I was on
that high school team,
I was very, very good.

I had a hell of an arm
when I was a kid then.

That was my one big dream--
pitch for the New York Yankees.

Let me warm up your coffee.
No, no, no, it's fine.
It's fine.

Yeah, I guess most people
wanna be something else.

What did you ever wanna be,
Edith? Anything?

No. No.

No, I didn't,
but my mother did.

Oh, your mother, huh?
What'd she want?

She wanted to be the mother
of a tap dancer.

Huh?
Yeah.

She got the idea from those
old Shirley temple movies.
You know.

♪ On the good ship lollipop ♪

♪ it's a nice trip
from the candy shop ♪

♪ [ humming ]
Yeah, I remember. I remember.
I remember! I remember.

She used to say to me,
"Edith--" that's what
she always called me.

"If Shirley temple can do it,
so can you.

You're much prettier
than she is, and you got
just as much talent."

You know how mothers are.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember she bought me
a pair of black
patent leather tap shoes,

and she took me
to miss Jeanette's
school of the dance.

A dollar an hour.

But miss Jeanette
gave my mother her money back
after the second lesson.

- You wanna know why?
- Yeah, I'm waiting to hear.

Whenever I tried to tap,

my foot kept missin' the floor.

All right. I guess you
had to give it up then.

I mean, if your foot
never hit the floor.

That's just as well.
You could never have
competed with the coloreds.

They were always the best
for tap dancing.

I mean, Shirley temple
was never as good as bojangles.

You was always a great
ballroom dancer, Edith.

I can remember
that about you.

And I'm gonna prove
that to you right now.

Let me get this on.

There.

♪ [ Big band ]

Yeah? Come on.
Let's give it a whirl.

Archie, are you
asking me to dance?

Certainly.
You wanted to dance
last week, didn't you?

Oh, well, I don't know.
It's been so long.

So what?
You never forget dancing.
Get up here.

It's like riding a bike.
Once you got it,
you got it for life.

Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]

Ain't that nice?
Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Look out
for this one now.

Oh! Oh!
[ Chuckling ]

Yeah.
That make you happy?

Yeah.

Yeah. What was I doing?

Next time you get
a bee in your belfry,
I won't waste my time arguin'.

I'll just grab you
for a dance.

What?

What are you doing?

Don't turn the music--
it's getting late, Archie.

What are you talking about?
It ain't late at all.

We ain't finished
the dance yet.

I don't know what I just said,
but I'm sor--

listen. Listen. Come on.

We-- we--
we can't leave the floor...

Until the first prize
is given out to the best couple.

And here it is right now
to the best couple
on the floor. There.

Archie, a present for me?

Certainly. Open it up.
Oh!

First prize.

Oh, Archie!

[ Gasps ]
A lady gilette!

Well, the drugstore was the only
joint open this time of night.

Thank you.
You like it?

Who wouldn't?

Yeah, swell.

And, Edith,

about this little spat
we've been having
around here all week.

Yeah, Archie?
Well, you know,

all them names I was
calling you, like Saint
and Edith the good...

And saying you
wasn't human and all,

I just want to say that,

you know--

you're sorry.

Yeah.

I'm glad you said it, Archie.

Well, you know--

aw, geez,
they're at it again.

Mom, daddy,
we'll see you later.

Are youse goin' out
again tonight? You just
got home last night.

We're going to the movies.
We figured you kids would like
to have the house to yourself.

Get out of here!

[ Mike ]
See you later.
Good night.

- Good night.
- [ Chuckling ]

What?

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.