02x16 - Archie and the FBI

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

yo tengo un escritorio.

Yo tengo un escritorio.
I have a desk.

Right.
Yo tengo un libro.

Yo tengo un libro.
I have a book.
Good, Michael.

Yo tengo un cuarto.

Yo tengo un cuarto.
I have a room.

You got a cuarto for which
you don't pay no "rento."

What are youse learning
yourselves Spanish for? Ain't
English good enough for youse?

Fine, arch. When do you
want to start learning that?

Dry up, huh?
[ Doorbell rings ]

Didn't you hear
the "bello" go "Ringo"?

Good evening.
May I--
no.

[ Doorbell ringing ]

Listen, Sonny boy,
if you're working
yourself through school,

work the other side
of the street, 'cause we've
no use for magazines here.

I'm not selling
magazines.

I'm an investigator
for the United States
government.

You?
The government?

Right. Name's Bradford.
You Mr. bunker?

Oh, yeah, sir.

Uh--
right.
May I come in?

Yeah, sure.
Come on in, Mr. Bradford.

Certainly.
Step right in the house.

Listen, I'm sorry
for calling you
"Sonny boy" over there,

but you look so young
and all, that--

right.
I get that a lot.

Oh, you do, huh?
Well--

oh, anyway,
this is my son-in-law...

By marriage,
Michael stivic.

There's my daughter, Gloria.
This is Mr. Bradford,

an investigator
for the United States
government.

How are you?
[ Gloria ]
Hello, Mr. Bradford.

Sit down, Mr. Bradford.
Take that chair.

That's the best one
in the house.

Tell us what
we can do for you.

I'd appreciate it
if I could ask you
a few questions.

Certainly.
Ask anything you'd like.

I believe you know
a Mr. Larry grundy.

Larry grundy. I--
wait a minute. Why?

You work together
in the same plant. He lives
just across the street.

Larry grundy from across
the street. We bump into
each other now and then.

Daddy, you're making
Mr. grundy sound
like a stranger,

and you've known him
for at least years.

I thought he was one
of your best friends.

Will youse two--
huh?
Is he?

One of your
best friends.

Well, I got a lot
of best friends,
Mr. Bradford.

Some of them
I don't hardly even know.

Is Larry grundy
in some kind of,
you know, trouble?

Not at all. This is just
a routine investigation.

Well, that's good.

Now, would you say
Mr. grundy is a man
of good character?

Hey, wait a second, arch.
You don't have to answer
that question.

This man can't walk in here,
flash a badge and start prying
into people's characters.

Dummy up, will ya?
This is the government.

The government can do
whatever it wants.
Don't you know that?

He's violating
the bill of rights.
It's against the constitution.

Don't be bothering
the U.S. government
with the constitution.

Why? You afraid
the government might read it?

They don't even know
the w*r's unconstitutional.

Don't write that down,
Mr. Bradford.

Anyway, he's talking about
another w*r, an old w*r.

You know, .
The one between the states.

Archie, this guy can't
just walk in here--

will you and Gloria
just go and finish
what you was doing upstairs?

We weren't doing
anything upstairs.

Then go on upstairs
and start something!

No, no, I mean,
just-just sit there
and study your book.

Hello, everybody.
I'm back.

Oh!
Hiya, Edith. Hey, Edith,
we got a visitor over here.

Come here. Mr. Bradford,
I'd like to introduce you
to my wife.

This is Mrs. Edith bunker.
Edith, this is Mr. Bradford,

an investigator
for the federal government.

Oh, how do you do,
Mr. Bradford?
Hello there.

Sit down, Mr. Bradford.
You don't have to
stand up for Edith.

Archie, they was having
a sale at Macy's,

and I got you
fruit of the loom underwear
for half price.

Not now, Edith.
Not now.

They call 'em irregulars,
but I couldn't find nothin'
irregular about 'em.

Can it wait till later?
It's just that some of them
have little red hearts.

She's a little bit
on the dingbat side.

Edith, Mr. Bradford
don't want to investigate
nobody's underwear.

He's investigating
a neighbor of ours,
Larry grundy.

Oh, I knew this
was gonna happen.
What?

He left his garbage cans
out all week.

Edith, that ain't it.

Well, that's how it piles up
if you don't keep after it.

Would you stifle yourself
and scram out of here!

Now, uh, Mr. Bradford,

what did you want to know
about Larry grundy?

Right. You ever notice
the sort of newspapers
and books he reads?

Careful, arch.
If he reads, it's probably
a mark against him.

Will you button your face!

Hey, Edith,
the last time you and me
was over by grundy's,

did you notice
what kind of books
he's got on his shelves?

I don't remember no shelves.

There you are.
No shelves, no books.
I think he's okay.

[ Doorbell buzzes ]
That's the back door.
I'll get it.

Right.

Do you know
if Mr. grundy belongs
to any organizations?

Oh, well, let's see.

Well, there's
the bowling team, there.

Then there's
the American legion,

the knights of Columbus.

But don't hold that last one
against him, you see.

'Cause, I mean, he's one
of your good catholics.

He don't bother with it.

Archie, can I see you
for a minute?

Edith, please.
I'm working with Mr. Bradford.

It's important.

Mr. Bradford, excuse me
just a minute, huh?
What is it?

It's Larry grundy.
He's in the kitchen.
Shh!

Uh, a little emergency
in the kitchen,
there, Mr. Bradford.

Right.

Larry, what are you
doing here?

You got a guy in there
asking questions
about me-- a g-man.

You're telling me.
Level with me, Archie.
Why is he investigating me?

Larry, don't you know why?
No. I ain't done nothing.

He's talking to everybody
in the neighborhood--
the Spencers, the gutmans.

Who knows what
they're saying about me.
What did you say about me?

I just said what you was
a member of, Larry.

The bowling team,
the legion, the knights
of Columbus. That's all.

There's nothing wrong
with them.
Yeah, yeah,

unless you joined something
I don't know nothing about.

No!
Shh!

The guy is
right in there.

I'm going to talk
to that guy myself.
Whoa! Hold it.

Get back here.
Bad move, Larry,

because I don't think
you and me should be
seen together.

Wait.
You're turning on me?
No, no, Larry.

You're not forgetting
best buddies?
Never, never.

All those times
fishing together...

On schroon lake
and sheepshead bay
on my Uncle's boat.

Remember?
Hold it.
Hold it, Larry.

What?
Your Uncle.

How much do you really know
about your Uncle?

Archie!
He went to Europe
one year.

You are turning on me!
No, no, I ain't, Larry.

Best buddies,
still and always.

You say you don't know what
the investigation's about,
I buy that.

You say you ain't
got nothing to hide,
I buy that.

But, Larry, see,
I ain't the guy
you got to sell.

Now, this investigator's
gonna be wondering
why I'm in here so long.

So I tell you what
you'd better do.

You go on home, see,
and take it easy.

I mean, you know,
lay low.

And don't call me up, Larry.
I'll get in touch with you.

But Archie--
best buddies, Larry.
Don't worry.

I ain't gonna say
nothing bad about you.

Oh, yeah,
and thanks, arch. Thanks.
Oh, and Larry,

uh, you better get
a lawyer.

Here I am back now.

Edith,
get out of the chair.

Oh, yeah.

So where was we,
Mr. Bradford?
Right.

Now, as to his use
of intoxicants,

how would you describe
Mr. grundy's drinking habits?

He seldom buys.

But I tell you, Mr. Bradford,
like I said before,

we only bump into each other
now and then.

There ain't no real--
what do you call--
connection between us.

Right. Thank you
very much, Mr. bunker.

You've been most helpful.
Not at all, Mr. Bradford.

I'm always pleased
to serve my government
like any loyal American.

Hold it just a minute, huh?

Level with me. Is, uh--
is grundy in trouble?

Not at all.

Grundy is in trouble.

Archie, that man just said
he wasn't.

That man is from the
f.B.I., ain't he?

He didn't say
he was from the f.B.I.
He's a government investigator.

Efrem zimbalist always comes
right out and says,

"I'm from the federal bureau
of investigation."

That's when they're gonna
sh**t somebody, Edith.

When they're conducting
an investigation, they don't
bother with that stuff.

Oh, no, no, no. No.
Larry grundy is in a jam.

Daddy, just because
they're asking questions
doesn't mean he did anything.

- [ Phone ringing ]
- Hold it. Hold it.

Don't answer the phone.
I'll get that.

That might be
the government again.

Hello?

Oh, mcnab.
What do you want?

Mcnab, what are you
whispering about, anyway?

You've got an investigator
over there?

One of them just left here.

Hey, listen, Jimmy,
just between you and I,

why are they asking questions
about Larry grundy?

They're asking questions
about me? What the hell for?

Jimmy, I ain't done nothin'!

Listen, I'm gonna come
right over there-- what?

What do you mean,
"maybe we oughtn't
to be seen together"?

Hey, listen, mcnab.
I--

hey, Jim-- Jim!

This creep hung up on me.

What is it, Archie?
They're investigating me,
Edith.

What for?
I don't know what for.

Mcnab says there's an
investigator at his house
asking questions about me.

That's crazy.
First Mr. grundy
and now you?

Grundy. That's it.
He's up to his neck
in something.

- They know I'm his best buddy.
They think I'm in it with him.
- In what?

Whatever it is
he's in, meathead!
How the hell do I know?

Daddy, I think
you're getting uptight
over nothing.

What do you mean, "nothing"?
You call that nothing?

Investigators going
around the neighborhood
asking neighbors about you.

You should have heard
mcnab on the phone there.
Nervous.

That dumb Mick,
he's so scared,
he'll tell them anything.

Wait till they get
to old man bellini.
Oh, bellini.

Why did I have to call
that dago a dago?

Archie, how can
your friends hurt you?

By spilling
everything they know.

But there ain't
nothing to spill.
You ain't done nothing.

It's only my word
against the f.B.I.'S.

So? The f.B.I. Can't
do nothing to you.

How do you know that?
'Cause you're innocent.

But of what, Edith?
Of what?

Archie, aren't you gonna
eat your dinner?

I ain't got no appetite.
Forget about dinner.

Can I have your portion,
arch?

You know, I think you'd eat
through a tidal wave.

Lionel said he was
coming over here.
What's keeping him?

He said he'd run over
as soon as the investigator
left his house.

Oh, geez.
If that ain't mortifying.

The government checking me out
with the coloreds.

I don't know what
you're so worried about, arch.

Investigation has become
the new American way of life.

Everybody's doing it--
the army, the Navy,
the senate.

Banks and businesses--
every little
credit bureau investigates.

Hire a hall, will ya?

This ain't no little
credit bureau of investigation.

This is the federal bureau
of investigation.

Are they still out there?
Sure they are, Edith.
Look out there.

I don't see nobody.
Of course you don't, Edith.

Them f.B.I. Guys are experts
at keeping themselves hid.

Then how do you know
they're watching?

Edith,
when they ain't watching,
you can see 'em,

and when you can't see 'em,
they're watching.

- You see?
- Oh.

Them f.B.I. Guys
are damn tricky.

You don't really believe
the f.B.I. Has you under
constant surveillance, do you?

Sure he does, Gloria.
Why else would he put the flag
out front at : at night?

Because I love the flag.

Sure you do, arch.
It's useful too. That way
you can spot the f.B.I. Guys...

When they come out
of the bushes to salute.

You better keep filling
your face. You're eating
for two, you know.

Edith, you see that empty house
next to rizzo's there?

Yeah.
You see the open window?

Was that window open
yesterday?

Archie, I don't know
what you're talking about.

Edith, they put guys
into houses like that...

To watch hours a day
through high-powered
"spectaculars."

Hey, that's right,
arch. Yeah.

I hear they've got
listening devices too.

Be very careful what you say.
They've probably
got the house bugged.

They could have the-- no!
What are you talking about?

They couldn't do that
without nobody knowing!

What do you say
a stupid thing
like that for anyhow?

Letting your imagination
go crazy, talking about bugs.

There ain't
no such thing around.

Did you lose something,
Archie?

- I didn't lose nothing, Edith!
- No, he's just looking
for bugs.

Bugs? There ain't no bugs
in this house.

I spread the roach paste
around last week.

Why are you torturing me?

No, ma, I'm talking about
microphones. The f.B.I. Can
plant those things anyplace.

Keep your voice down.
Let's not get nobody
sore at us, huh?

Oh, I think it's too late
for that, arch.

If Bradford planted a bug,
they've heard everything
you've said since then.

I ain't said nothin'
since then.
Well, I don't know.

You said the f.B.I.'S tricky.
That could be very damaging.
Shh!

I ain't never been nothing
but a patriotic citizen
as long as I've been alive.

[ Loudly ]
I've been a number one loyal fan
of j. Edgar hoover,

the greatest commie catcher
of them all,

and remember where
youse all heard that.

From Archie bunker,
hauser street,
veteran of the big w*r.

Why was you talking
into the camel, Archie?

Keep your voice down.

[ Whispering ]
Why was you talking
into the camel?

[ Yelling ]
Keep your voice down!
Geez--

they can plant microphones
anywhere.

They got microphones as small
as an olive or a raisin.

Hey, arch!
Look at this!
Huh?

That looks like a button.
It is. I just tore it
off my sleeve.

Are you trying to make
a monkey out of me?

You're doing it to yourself,
acting scared and guilty,
worrying about microphones.

The f.B.I. Is investigating
your father. The bell.
[ Doorbell ringing ]

That's the door.
Edith, wait a minute.

It might be another one
of them g-men, see?

So don't say anything
until you're sure
who it is.

These guys can disguise
themselves as anything.
Go ahead. I'll be up here.

All right.

Hi, Mrs. bunker.
Oh, it's Lionel.

I think.

Get over here.

What took you so long?
What happened, Lionel?

This agent came to our house
and said he had to question
your close friends.

Close friends?
Who'd he talk to
over at your house?

The whole family.
We's close friends,
ain't we?

I know that, Lionel,
but tell me what
the man said, huh?

Well, he asked if you were
a loyal American,

if you took more
than a social drink,

do you read much,
did we ever hear you
discuss politics--

yeah, yeah.
Lionel, what did you say?
Oh, let me see.

Yes, no, no, yes,
maybe sometimes--

hold it! Lionel,
I can't follow that!

Tell me what was asked
and what youse answered.

There was nothing
to it, really.
We know what you are,

and we told him.

Lionel, just give me
a "for instance" on that, huh?

Well, we said
you were percent
behind the constitution.

Which I am.
One hundred percent
behind civil rights.

Which I-- hold it.

Well, you are
for civil rights,
aren't you?

Lionel, that depends.
I mean, it depends on
what the man said...

When you told him
I said that.

What did he say?
Oh, he said, "right."

Then, you mean,
the f.B.I. Thinks
I'm for the coloreds?

It don't matter
if you are or not.
We said you was.

And when we say
something nowadays,
they listen.

Bye, Mr. bunker.
[ Mike ]
Bye, Lionel.

Wasn't that sweet
of the jeffersons,

giving you
a nice recommendation?

The f.B.I. Better think
it's nice,

or I'll be wearing
my fruit of the loom
drawers in leavenworth.

Anyone-- anyone home
besides family?

Larry, did anybody
see you coming in here?

No, I snuck in
the back way.

What is this
with the uniform?

I got bugle practice tonight
over at the legion hall.

What are you trying
to prove?

Since when do you have to wear
a uniform to bugle practice?

Since you started flying
your flag at night.

You ain't kidding nobody,
'cause I know there was
a g-man at mcnab's today...

Investigating you.

Investigating me because
I was best buddies with you.

"Was" is right.
"Was" is what I said.

Hey, come on, you guys.
You're letting this thing
snowball.

This fear
and suspicion's crazy.

He's the one that's crazy.
He's calling me un-American.

The f.B.I. Done that.
It ain't my fault
if you're a subversive.

Me? A two-time
commander...

Of American legion post
a subversive?

Benedict Arnold
was an admiral,

and he was as subversive
as a termite.

Listen, you. I fought for
my country. Purple heart--
wounded in action.

Wounded in action?
You was wounded trying to
open a beer can in the px.

It was during the w*r,
wasn't it?

Listen,
I got w*r decorations,
too, and real ones.

You want me to get
your "good conduct" medal?

Will you
stay out of this?

I want to tell you
something else.
I don't have to dress up...

In no uniform
like a tin soldier
to prove that I'm American.

You-- you're attacking
the American legion!

No, I ain't, buddy.
I'm attacking you.

I should have known
there was something
a little funny about you...

The night you come into
kelcy's bar with that
weird old pal of yours.

- Who are you talking about?
- I'm talking about petey.

The guy
with the strawberry burl
on the side of his nose.

He was always covering it up
with talcum powder.

Petey,
the white-nosed commie.

Pete--
petey, a commie?

That's right,
and you are his pal.

Listen, don't you point
at me, not with what you got
living in your house.

What are you talking about?
This subversive radical here.

Hey, hey, hey--
you've got him living with you,
and what does that make you?

You longhaired freak.
Hey! Hey!

You keep away from me.

I seen you walking down
the street carrying peace
signs out in the open.

"Peace" this
and "peace" that.

"Down with w*r."
All kinds of
un-American slogans.

I'm sorry, commander.
I didn't know that peace
was on the subversive list.

You hear that commie talk?
Now, that's a dangerous
subversive.

You're nuts, grundy.
The kid's stupid,
but he ain't dangerous.

No, no, you can't
weasel out of this.

You got a pinko subversive
living under your own roof,

and you're as bad as he is.

Listen. You want to
step outside?
Anytime.

No, daddy!
Oh, no, arch.

No, no!
Keep away from me.

You step outside with me,
you're gonna be the sorriest
white man living.

There ain't never been a day
I couldn't take you.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah.

You're both acting
like children,
and such good friends.

Don't try to hold me back.
I'm gonna have to beat
the dog out of this guy.

Oh, I'm waiting, bunker.

You are, huh?
You're ready, huh?
Yeah! Yeah!

You're ready to go, huh?
Then take off that uniform!
Yeah!

I ain't gonna fight against
the American uniform.

If I take off this uniform,
you're in big trouble.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Go on!
Take it off right now!

Well, first I got to go
to bugle practice, don't I?

Listen, you'd better be
on your way,

or they'll be blowing "taps"
for you, bugler.

- Hit the trail.
- I ain't moving an inch until
I get back my fishing rods...

- Which I loaned you
last summer.
- [ Telephone rings ]

Answer that phone.
You want back
the fishing rods...

You loaned to me
last summer, huh?
Hello?

Well, I'll give 'em to you.
They're right in the closet.

Here. Take 'em.

And when you get 'em home,
you know what you can do
with 'em, hooks and all.

Archie, it's about
the investigation.

It's Mr. hoppy,
your shop steward.

Hoppy, the shop--

hiya, Billy.
Archie here. What's up?

Huh?
No kidding?

Yeah, yeah,
I understand, Billy.

Yeah, sure.
Thanks for calling me up.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

What is it, Archie?

That was Billy hoppy,
the shop steward. He's been
calling the guys from work.

It's about
this investigation.

He said it ain't the
f.B.I. Doing it at all.
It's the air force.

It's because of
some defense contract
we had down at the plant.

Defense contract?
Oh, yeah. Them little
gizmos we was making...

That looked like
a bottle cap
with a tail on it.

That was for
the air force?
Yeah.

We finished off that contract
six months ago.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what Billy
reminded 'em, so...

The union called up
the air force, and, uh,

they dropped the whole thing
like that.

Then all the snooping
was for nothing.

- [ Both ]
Yeah.
- Well, ain't that wonderful!

Then you two can
stop fighting.

You can be
best buddies again.

Can't you?

[ Door shuts ]

Ah, well.

All that
"best buddy" stuff...

Is all for kids, anyhow.

Hey, arch, listen to this.
We've been doing
some research...

On some of the people
investigated by the government
in the last year.

Yeah, daddy, you're in good
company. Congressmen, senators,
supreme court judges.

Did you hear that, Archie?
How about that?

Yeah.
[ Mumbles ]

Dr. Spock, huey Newton,
father berrigan,

abbie Hoffman, Jerry rubin--

[ announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.