02x14 - The Elevator Story

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

Michael, for heaven's sakes,
will you relax?
This is a celebration.

Some celebration.
We've been waiting for over
half an hour for your father.

There he is!
Here we are, Archie!
I see you there, Edith.

Geez. How's a guy supposed
to find this dump, huh?

I've been wandering
around the neighborhood
for an hour.

Daddy, we gave you the address,
and besides, Michael told you
just ask anyone for pasquale's.

I did ask for pasquale's.
A guy takes me
into a little joint.

Another guy tries
to half-sole my shoes.

All right, daddy. I admit this
isn't the fanciest restaurant
in town, but it's our treat.

Oh, gee. Yeah, that's right.
You kids are springin'
for the tab.

You sure
you got enough money
there, meathead?

I mean, dinner for four
in a palace like this
could cost maybe a buck.

Will you lay off, arch? It's
ma's birthday. Can't you have
some respect for the occasion?

Come on. Edith and me,
we never make no to-do
about birthdays.

A birthday's just the same
as any other day in the year,
right, Edith?

Well, almost.
What do you mean
"almost"?

I always remember
your birthday, Archie.

Well,
I remembered yours.
You did?

Certainly. I picked up the
morning paper, there was the
date there, and I remembered.

Thank you, Archie.
That was very sweet
of you.

You don't have
to slobber me.

Daddy, don't you think
you oughta propose a toast?

- A toast? For what?
- For mom for her birthday.

That would be nice,
Archie.
I told you before.

Your mother and me don't make
no fuss about birthdays.
And can't we eat here?

Hey, waiter, could we
have a menu over here?
Before I read the menu,

Mrs. bellini wrote down
what I should order
in an Italian restaurant.

Here it is:
Veal "scalo-piney."

Edith, is this
my insurance payment here?

Oh, yeah.
I must have forgot
to mail it.

How could you forget?
I gave it to you
three days ago to mail.

- Well, she can mail it
tomorrow, daddy.
- Tomorrow's no good.

- The premium payment
is due in here today.
- What are you worried about?

-Every policy has a grace
period. They give you days.
-This is the th day, meathead.

Don't you know that
insurance companies live
to cancel out guys like me?

What time is it? Lookit.
It's quarter to : .

It's a good thing the Friedman
building is only five blocks
from here. I'm gonna hustle...

Over and shove it
under the office door.

Daddy, think
of mom. You're gonna
ruin her whole birthday.

She ruined it herself
by not mailing this thing!
I'm sorry.

Archie's unbelievable.
His wife's birthday.

- He doesn't have one ounce
of sentiment about it.
- Archie has lots of sentiment.

You just gotta know
where to look for it.

- Eight, please.
- Yeah. So long as I'm going
to eight myself.

[ Woman ]
Wait, please! Hold it!
I'm coming on!

Ah, let her get another car.
Close those doors.
We're in a hurry.

Oh, thank you so much.
I hope I didn't
hold you people up.

This is the slowest elevator
in New York. I would've had
to wait an hour.

[ Archie ]
Well, you didn't make it
no faster just now.

Oh, has this
been a day, I tell you.
Nothing's gone right.

This elevator's the first thing
I've caught all day. When
I left the house this morning,

I stubbed my toe
and I couldn't run,
so I missed the bus.

When I was in the ladies' room,
my boss left for the day,
so I missed getting paid.

- Would you press four, please?
- Lady, we just passed five.

Today's a wipeout
for you, ain't it?

Well,
let me out at six.
[ Woman shouting in Spanish ]

[ Man responding
in Spanish ]
What happened?

It would appear
the elevator has stopped.

You figured that out,
huh?

What are we gonna do?
Take it easy, now. Let me try
some of these buttons over here,

see if we can make it move.

No. No. Let's see.
This, this, this.

No. Nothing. No action.
Well, it looks like
the elevator is stuck.

You figured that out, eh?

You mean that we're
trapped between floors?

[ Conversing in Spanish ]
What are we gonna do? I wish I'd
never come into this elevator.

Well, so do I, lady. It was him
forcing that door open for you
that caused it.

- I didn't touch those doors.
He opened the doors.
- Yeah, well him or somebody...

Opened 'em, anyhow.
[ Speaking Spanish ]

Tell 'em to put a lid on that
Spanish back there, will ya?
It's makin' me nervous.

They come here to live;
You'd think they'd learn
our language and our customs.

Well, why don't you tell 'em
about it? You speak their lingo,
don't ya?

What makes you think
I speak their lingo?

Well, I figured you'd learn
some of it livin' up in Harlem.

- What makes you think
I live in Harlem?
- You look it.

What makes you think?

Look. What are we gonna do?
I mean, isn't anybody
gonna get us out of here?

There's usually a telephone
in these things. Open
that little door on your side.

All right. Just let me
handle everything, will ya?

There's usually a telephone
in these things. I'll just open
this little door over here...

And find out.

Just as I thought.
Here it is.

Senor.
Yeah. Operator?

Senor.
Operator?
Get off my back there,
will ya, "pee-dro"?

I'm tryin'
to call somebody.

Senor. Senor.
"Pee-dro."
Hey, can somebody translate
what I'm sayin' for this spick?

Is not necessary, mister.
This, uh, "spick,"
uh, speak English.

Well, then,
you oughta know I'm tryin'
to call the operator here.

Operator?
I tried to tell you
there is no operator.

The telephone rings
only in the janitor's room.

Well, the janitor's the guy
I'm tryin' to get ahold of.
I am the janitor.

So you are the janitor,
are you?
Yes. Carlos mendoza.

This is my wife,
serafina. [ Spanish ]
Mucho gusto.

- Hey. You're gonna have a baby.
- You noticed.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Do you have baby too?
Ah! [ Grumbles, indistinct ]

Tell your wife
to can the comedy, huh?
I'm angelique McCarthy.

How do you do?
Listen, sis. This ain't
a cocktail party here.

- Forget the introductions,
will you?
- I'm fond of introductions.

- My name is
Hugh Victor Thompson III.
- How do you do?

How do you do?
[ Angelique ]
Hello.

And you?
What's your name?
I ain't
gonna tell you my name.

Why? Is it a funny name?

No, it ain't a funny name.
It's a name right out
of American history.

- Bunker, as in the "battle of."
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. bunker hill.

No, it ain't that neither.
It's just plain bunker.

Now, come on. Let's cut out
the social "manunities"
here, huh?

Hey, come on. You're
the janitor around here. Can't
you do something to help us out?

Oh, yes, yes.
I think there is one thing
that I can think to do.

Well, come on. Do it.

-Our father, who art in heaven--
-I don't mean that!
Come on.

Please. Let me
explain something to you,
please.

This elevator
breaks down very much,
but nothing to worry about.

Sometimes it starts by himself.
Sometimes somebody push
the button, and then it starts.

Good.
Sometimes no.

Oh, gee. Hey, look.
There's a trap door up there.

Now, can't you go
through that trap door
and get help?
Yes, yes.

But it's very dangerous.
It's better that you wait
a few minutes.

I can't wait! I gotta
get up to an office upstairs.
Come on. Give us help quick.

- Help! Quick! Help! Quick!
- Aw, geez. Jokes, jokes,
jokes, jokes.

[ Continues in Spanish ]
What are you laughin' about?
It ain't funny.

I don't think it's funny
either. I'm very upset.

Look. I don't wanna
scare anyone, but I have
been known to be hysterical.

I don't wanna hear.
Tell the colored guy, huh?

You see,
when things go wrong, I just
fall apart. Little things.

Like if a package doesn't arrive
on time from bloomingdale's,
I could just...

Scratch somebody's
eyes out.

Oh, really?
Once, I saw a snake. They had
to put me to bed for two days.

Now this: Being stuck
in an elevator. Oh, hold me!

What? What is this?
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, lady,
get off me!

Listen. I'm a married guy.
You hold me!

Get away! It's your fault. You
never should've been on this
elevator in the first place.

- What am I talkin'?
I gotta get out of here.
- So do I.

I have to deliver an address
at the larchmont rotary club
this evening.

- Who cares?
- Larchmont cares.

I'm the vice chairman
of the larchmont rotary.
I live in larchmont.

Geez, I bet larchmont
is poppin' its buttons
over that.

[ Women screaming ]
[ Archie ]
Oh, geez! Oh, geez!

Hello.

What's the matter, bunker?
Afraid to face the future?

Listen. We are
wastin' time here.

Now, Pedro, you gotta
go through that trap door
and get help.

Okay. If it's gonna
keep you quiet,
I go get help.

Hey, good boy, Pedro.
I'll give you a boost
up there.

I am not a boy. I am a man.
And my name is Carlos.

"Carlos" it is, Pedro.
Anything you say.
[ Spanish ]

Get up there and go through
the door to the next floor
and get some help.

[ Shouting in Spanish ]
No. Leave him alone.
Leave him alone there.

He's trying to
get some help or something.
[ Yelps ]

What's wrong, Mrs. mendoza?
What's wrong?
[ Continues yelping ]

Hey, sis. What's
the matter with her?
I hope
it isn't what I think it is.

- What do you think it is?
- I don't wanna think about it.

Sorry, mister.
I can't reach the door.
The elevator's too low.

[ Conversing in Spanish ]

Are they talking about
what I think they're
talking about?

I think that's
what they're talking about.
[ Sustained crying ]

People, people.
Your wife is thinking
about having the baby here,

you tell her
to forget it!

We're in an elevator,
for God's sakes.
How far along is she?

- Eight months.
- That's too early, Pedro.
No dice, tell her.

It's-- it's not too early
for serafina. This happened
to us before.

We have Manolo
on the way to coney island
in a ' studebaker.

Well, let's not
try the same trick in
a Otis elevator, huh?

- I'm getting hysterical!
- Hey, people, people!
Come on, now!

Tell your wife to put her mind
on something else, understand?

Oh, yes. I understand.
Serafina too.
She understands.

But the baby,
he don't understand. I
think he gonna come anyway.

Oh, good night, nurse!

I wonder
what's keeping Archie.
Don't worry, ma.

He probably just had
to fill out some forms
for the insurance man.

Hey, ma. Sure, ma.
You should be havin' fun.
Drink your wine.

Oh, I wouldn't feel right
startin' without Archie.

Go on, ma.
It's all right.

- Well, maybe just a sip.
- [ Mike ]
Sure. That's it.

[ Gloria ]
There you go.
That's the birthday girl.

- Mmm. That's kind of tasty.
- Happy Birthday, ma.

Happy Birthday, ma.
Oh, thank you, Gloria.
Thank you, Mike.

I think
I'll have another sip.

You know,
that ain't bad at all.

Ma.

My, I didn't realize
I was so thirsty.

Here. Let me
pour you another glass.
Michael.

Gloria, it's all right.
It's just once a year.

Just to quench my thirst,
Gloria. These bread sticks
are awful dry.

- Yeah. You're entitled, ma.
It's your birthday.
- Oh, thank you, Mike.

Oh, my!
That's so good!

Well,
look at me, will ya?

Me, with claustrophobia,
acrophobia, allergies
and a duodenal ulcer,

and I'm still
hanging together.

I can't believe it.
Don't believe it. You ain't
hangin' together that good.

- [ Serafina yelps ]
- Mr. Thompson, how long is it
since the last pain?

About six minutes.

- Then they're coming faster.
- This is nuts!

Don't get panicky, bunker.
These people have
had babies before.

Well, why can't
they have 'em in a hospital?
That's where I had mine.

I bet the hospital
is still buzzing over that.

Mister, we already
have three babies born
in the hospital.

You hear that? Three
ain't enough for him. He's gotta
have another one in a car...

And now one in a building,
between floors.

These people don't care where,
when or how many.

They don't seem to be interested
in learning modern birth
control methods, do they?

Oh, listen to this guy.
If that ain't the black
callin' the kettle "pot."

Mr. Thompson,
that's not very nice.
No harm intended, mendoza,

but it is a truism that
you people do have more children
than you can normally handle.

My comment
was purely socioeconomic--
nothing personal.

Well, let me 'plain
something to you, huh?

One: How many children
we have is because
we love each other.

Two: You talk
very intelligent, mister,
but you not so smart.

Three: Shut up your face.

Nothing personal.

Thataboy, Pedro.
You tell him off.

You got to admit that
larchmont here is partly right
about youse p.R.S.

Mr. bunker, we do not like
to be called "p.R.S." We are
Americans equal to you.

Equal to me? You ain't
even equal to him.

-You ain't
natural born there, Pedro.
-Puerto ricans are natural born.

[ Archie ] Says who?
In , the congress
of the United States says who.

We are very good citizens.
♪ [ Sings "star-spangled
banner" in Spanish ]

Hold it. Hold it, Pedro. Now,
when you sing that song, you're
supposed to sing it in American.

I mean, we have a little respect
here for our national anthem.

Supposed to sing it
the way it's wrote, and only
on patriotic occasions...

Like ball games and that.

I wanna tell both of
youse minorities something, see?

You're both
runnin' neck and neck
in the baby-makin' derby.

And no matter
who wins the race, I lose.

Just a minute, bunker.
What do you mean, you lose?

I mean, I lose
my hard-earned dough
payin' out welfare taxes.

I hand out more in tips
than you pay in taxes.

I have lifted myself
from a slum tenement
in Newark, new Jersey...

To a four-bedroom,
three-bathroom, split-level
contemporary ranch house...

On a corner lot
with twin elms
in larchmont, New York.

And having said that,
I should like
to end this conversation.

- Well, whoopee-di-do.
- [ Serafina yelps ]

How long is it this time?
It's almost two minutes
shorter.

They're coming faster.
[ Hugh ]
Much faster.

It's going to happen. She's
gonna have that baby right here,
right now, in this elevator.

- Can't somebody do something?
- It's too late now!
Somebody should've...

Talked to Pedro back when!

That's a funny story,
ma.

Oh. Oh, your father
was a scream when
we was goin' steady.

Never a dull moment.

You didn't know him then,
did you, Gloria?

No, ma. I didn't meet him
till after you two
were married.

Of course!
You wasn't born
till we met.

Ooh! Oh,
till after we met.

Long after! I mean,
he had to propose first.

Oh, wait!

Mmm.

Wait till you hear
how he done that.

It was so funny.

It sounds funny.

- Well, ma?
- "Well, ma" what?

Daddy's proposal of marriage--
uh, Gloria, look. I'm gettin'
a little worried about Archie.

- He's been gone
almost an hour.
- Who's gone?

[ Mike ]
Archie.
Archie's gone?

Oh, yeah!

I think ma's
getting drunk.
Yeah.

Uh, I'm going to go to that
Friedman building, see if I can
get Archie out of that office.

- Ma, can you remember his name?
- Archie bunker.

No, no, ma.
I meant the insurance man.

Oh, it was a German name.
Kraut something.

'Cause every time Archie
got a bill, he says, "that
kraut's puttin' the arm on me."

"Hinkelmeier."
That's the one.
Good. Hinkelmeier.

Hey, I-I'll be right back.
I'll try to find 'im.
Okay. Hurry, Michael.

- Ma, are you sure
that's the name?
- Oh, yeah. I'm sure.

That's the one.
"Hinkelmeier."

Or "Swanson."

[ Serafina gasping ]
Easy, Mrs. mendoza.
Easy, now.

It will be very soon now.
Easy.

- [ Carlos talks,
indistinct ]
- [ Serafina yelps ]

Geez, I don't think
I can get through this.

What are you so worried
about a baby being born? It's
a beautiful and natural thing.

- What? In an elevator?
- Most men are squeamish
about it. It's a funny thing.

You know, my own brother
took a whole course in natural
childbirth with his wife,

then he started
watching the delivery
and fainted dead away.

Oh. I ain't gonna faint.

Listen. During the w*r--
and I mean the big one--
I handled emergencies every day.

K.P. Or latrine duty?

When I was
in the army air corps, them
were the only two places...

We ever used
to see youse guys.

As an officer
in the intelligence service, I
wouldn't have seen you at all.

[ Mike ]
Archie? Archie bunker?
Hey! Hey! Hey, Mike! That you?

Where are you?
Hey. Hey, Mike, we're stuck
up here in an elevator.

All right. Hang on.
I'm goin' for help.
Yeah. All right. Hey. Hear that?

That was my son-in-law
down there. He says hang on,
he's goin' for help. So hang on.

-You hang on there too,
little lady.
-[ Yelping, talking in Spanish ]

[ Carlos responding in Spanish ]
[ Angelique ]
All right. Hold my hand.

[ Carlos ] I think
it's the baby. It's coming.
Oh, no, no. Listen.

We're gonna be downstairs
in a couple of minutes. Wait.
"Hold-o." "Stop-o."

Don't you worry, Mrs. mendoza.
We're all here, and we're
going to take care of you.

- We're all going to help,
right, bunker?
- Leave me out of this, huh?

Hey, Mike,
where the hell are ya?
[ Angelique ] Hold my hand here.

[ Carlos speaking Spanish ]
And you push.

[ Serafina intermittently
gasping, speaking Spanish ]
Push. Oh, for heaven's sake!

Will you look at that?
[ Hugh ] It's remarkable,
absolutely remarkable!

Now, you hold my hand
and push. Come on. Push.

[ Serafina speaking Spanish ]
[ Hugh ]
It's remarkable! Remarkable!

[ Serafina yelping ]
[ Carlos ] Hey, I need something
clean to put the baby on.

- Do you
have a newspaper, please?
- Bunker, you have a newspaper.

Yeah. I got the daily news.
It figures.

[ Indistinct chattering ]

[ Angelique ] Oh, Mr. mendoza,
you're marvelous. Look how
he does that just like a doctor!

[ Hugh ]
It's extraordinary,
quite extraordinary!

[ Angelique ] Mr. bunker, come
and look. You mustn't miss this.
I seen it in the movies.

Bunker, you should
bear witness to this.
It's an absolute miracle.

I know that, Thompson.
Just tell me when
it's over, huh?

- You're
missing something unique.
- [ Angelique ] It's fantastic!

[ Carlos ]
Here it comes. Here it comes.
Now, watch the head.

Be careful.
Watch the shoulders.
[ Prolonged scream ]

[ Carlos ]
Look at this!
Look at that!

[ Angelique ]
Mr. bunker, he's perfect!

[ Serafina crying ]
I hear.

Ain't it supposed
to cry or nothin'?

[ Tapping ]
[ Baby crying ]

That sounds kosher.

Mr. bunker,
come see my son.

You got a little boy, huh?

Oh, it was unbelievable.
You should've been there.

The elevator opens up, and
there's five people standing
there and a brand-new baby boy!

It was born right there
in the elevator!
Born in the elevator? A baby?

Yeah. It was incredible.
And the father, he was so happy,
he was jumpin' up and down,

huggin' and kissin' everyone,
includin' Archie.

Daddy, did you really
see the baby being born?

How could you miss it
in an elevator?

- And you helped?
- I was there.

Daddy, don't be so modest!
You helped deliver a baby!
Wow!

Well, I don't wanna
make myself out no kind
of surgeon or anything,

but, uh, I know how
to handle myself in emergencies,
that's all.

I was the only one
that had the daily news
when it was needed.

Daddy, we're
all so proud of you.

Well, I come out of it
pretty good, I think.

But that baby
wasn't the only one
born today, you know.

Someone else has got a birthday
around here. We're
celebratin' it now.

And I wanna
propose a toast now.

- I thought you didn't believe
in toasts, daddy.
- That was before.

- Edith--
- [ Uncontrollable giggling ]

You're blasted
out of your mind.

What a nice toast, Archie.
Thank you.

Oh, boy. That was good, huh?
Yeah. It ain't such
a bad restaurant after all.

[ Groans ]
I ate so much,
my legs are full.

- Ma, Happy Birthday.
- [ Gloria ] Yeah.
Happy Birthday, ma.

Look at Edith.
She's all excited.

Well, just because this
is such a very special occasion,
I am gonna spring for the tab.

-No, daddy. Let Michael do it.
-Wait. I said I was gonna treat.
-No, meathead. Let me do this.

Now, let me do this.
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

I forgot to put the
insurance payment under the door
to the Friedman building.

- I gotta hustle over there.
- Forget that. What are
you doin'?

I gotta get over there
right away. Watch your mother
before she hits the floor, huh?

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.