02x13 - Christmas Day at the Bunkers'

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

[ silverware clinking ]

Ma, this Turkey
is sensational.
Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Gloria, I love your stuffing.

[ Loud sigh ]

What was that for?

What, Archie?
What was that for?

No. I didn't mean "what"
meaning what did you say.

I meant what meaning
what was "what" for?

What other "what"
was there, Edith?
You sighed.

Did I sigh?

Yeah, you sighed,
and you heaved it right over
in this direction.

It's like trying to eat
in a wind tunnel.

Well, I'm sorry. I must have
done it "unconscious."

That's the way you go
through life, Edith.

[ Sighs ]
Now cut that out!

Now, daddy, be nice.
It's Christmas.

That's what "what" was for.

I guess I sighed because
somehow it just don't seem
like Christmas.

- I know what you mean, ma.
- What do you mean
you know what she means?

Nothing. I was going to say
that mom means that we're all
kowtowing to Madison Avenue...

And the almighty
cash register.
[ Archie scoffing ]

Yeah, she means that
Christmas has been
exploited by big business.

It's a victim
of crass commercialism.

Oh, my. Did I mean all that?

You know, Michael's right.
Christmas is never like
what you read about.

Nobody ever sits around
the fire roasting chestnuts
and telling ghost stories.

Maybe that's it, Archie.
We got no chestnuts
roasting on the fire.

Edith, how long
we been living
in this here house?

Twenty years.
Twenty years.

In all them years,
you ever happen to notice
any fireplaces anywhere?

No.
[ Mocking ]
No.

So maybe that's why
we don't have chestnuts, huh?

'Cause the house
happens to be heated
by radiators.

That's right, Archie.
And "radiated" chestnuts
wouldn't be the same.

But it ain't just the nuts.
It's the bubble.

Huh?
Ah, geez.
The bubbles are missing.

I think what ma's trying
to say is you're not your gay,
bubbly, christmassy self, daddy.

I am gay. I'm gay.
I'm as gay
as everybody here!

Gee, you sure coulda
fooled me.

What's the matter, Archie?
You're acting like you're giving
up on Christmas this year.

Why you so down?
Where's your Christmas spirit?

What do you mean?
Who do you think hung
the wreath on the door, huh?

One of "santee's go-nomes"?

Don't be telling me
I'm down, huh?

Well, maybe down
isn't the right word.

Maybe it's--
maybe it's more like low.

Like this tree
you bought.

What's the matter
with the tree?
Archie, look at it.

It's not exactly
the king of the forest.

Yeah, or even a prince.

There ain't nothing the matter
with this tree a little
decorating wouldn't help.

How come nobody put
the star on it this year?

I tried, Archie.

But every time I put
the star on,
the tree fell over.

I don't care
nothing about that.

I wasn't laying out
no - bucks
for a big tree.

Maybe if my firm would give out
their Christmas bonus as usual,

well, then I'd have
laid out big, as usual.

But they didn't.
They're cutting back.
There was no bonus, nothing.

Gee, you really are down.

I ain't down!
I'm up, up, up.

Who was the first
to yell "merry Christmas"
this morning?

- Michael was.
- Oh, all right.
I was next then, eh?

Geez. And didn't I
bring your coffee
up to bed,

like I do
every Christmas morning?
Yeah, Archie.

All right.
That shows you I ain't down.

You gotta be up to remember
to do a thing like that
once a year.

Well, Archie, something must be
bothering you, otherwise
you wouldn't be in such a mood.

I am not in no mood.

Oh, gee, daddy.
You didn't even join in
the bunker glee club this year.

- Aw, the bunker glee club.
- Yeah, you didn't do
your fa-la-la's.

I fa-la-la'd in the kitchen.
Maybe you didn't hear me.

Let's do it again,
and we'll hear you this time.
Yeah, let's go.

Leave me alone, will ya?
Get outta here.
Come on. Let's go.

Okay.
[ All ] ♪ deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

- ♪ fa-la-la-la-la ♪
- ♪ la-la-la-la ♪

♪ 'tis the season to be jolly
fa-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ la-la-la-la ♪
will ya?

Now, that showed
I ain't down, huh? I'm up.

Just leave me alone, will ya?
Let me digest my dinner.
♪ [ Carolers singing ]

Hey, it's carolers.
Look, right on the front porch.
♪ [ Singing continues ]

Wow,
don't they sound great?
Oh, my. They look so sweet.

They've been torturing us
with that racket for three days.

- I'm gonna give 'em something.
- Look at Edith,
runnin' me into bankruptcy,

feeding them panhandlers.

♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪
very good. We enjoyed it.

[ All saying thank you ]
[ Mike ]
Merry Christmas.

Oh, my.
Wasn't that nice, Archie?

I call it
disturbing the peace.

I am sick of people wishing me
merry Christmas whilst
they're picking my pocket.

I never saw you
sick of Christmas before.

Yeah, daddy. You always
liked Christmas Carols.

Everybody likes
Christmas Carols.

You know, I remember when I was
a kid, my family used to sit
under the tree and sing Carols.

Of course,
we always had a big tree.

You always have
a big mouth too?

Well, I mean, we didn't
buy our tree in a parking
lot from ferguson's supermarket.

No. Our tree came down
on big trucks
all the way from Ontario.

- Hey, what did you mean
by that?
- What'd I say?

You know what you said, Ontario.
I don't know what
you're talking about.

Don't be a wise guy.
You know what you mean.

Archie, wait a second.
Ontario's a province
in Canada.

Did you tell him
about Ontario?
I never said a word, Archie.

- Daddy, what's your problem
with Ontario?
- She said it again.

What are youse two
trying to pull anyway?
Nothing.

Listen, Professor. Suppose
your bosses said to you,

"get off a special shipment
right away to London," huh?

What would you do?
Wait a second, Archie.
What are you talking about?

You'd have sent it off
to London. You'd have sent it
off to London, england.

Who the hell ever heard of
London, Ontario?

I heard of London, Ontario.

That is the stupidest thing
I ever heard of, naming two
places in the world the same.

Archie, lots of places have
the same name. Like Odessa,
Russia and Odessa, Texas.

Yeah. Birmingham, england;
Birmingham, Alabama.

New York, New York.

Will you stifle yourself.

Now don't be talking
about that tree no more.
All right.

I didn't see you
laying out any big dough
for Christmas cheer.

Oh, Archie. What about that
lovely electric carving knife
they gave us?
[ Scoffs ]

- What about the cigars?
- Cigars. Do you call
these things cigars here?

When I smoke a cigar,
I wanna feel tobacco
between my teeth.

Not one of these
plastic penny whistles.

Yeah. I take two puffs
of these and I'm singeing
the hair inside my nose.

Thanks a lot, daddy.
We happened to think
you might like a small cigar...

For when you don't
have time to finish a big one.

I always finish a big one.
Even if
it takes two weeks.

Sweet tipparoos.

They smell like they was
dipped in a can of flit.

Archie, just because you're in
a bad mood you don't have
to say our presents stink.

I never used the word stink.

All I'm saying is that
Christmas presents, they
ought to be individual-like.

Oh, you mean like
what you gave us?

A box of
his-and-hers handkerchiefs.

Listen, if you don't like 'em,
you can give 'em back.

I told ya,
I didn't get
no bonus this year.

It's the thought that matters.
I love my her handkerchiefs.

How did you ever get 'em
to split a box?

Aw, shush.

I started talking about
individual presents.

Like the time that
Gloria here was a little girl.

And you wanted
a real China Dolly
and a Dollhouse.

A real one.
I couldn't afford that.

I was climbing the walls
trying to raise that money.
A buck here, a quarter there.

Then just before Christmas,
the boss gave me my first bonus.

You know, I coulda kissed
the guy. I ran outta there
faster than Jesse Owens.

And I went out and bought you
the most beautiful China Dolly
and Dollhouse you ever seen.

That's a lovely story, daddy.
But I don't remember that doll.

That's 'cause
you never got it.
Hey, hey, hey.

Your father had too much
to drink,
stifle yourself.

And coming up the front steps
he tripped and fell.

Will you stifle yourself.

He wasn't hurt,
but the Dolly and house
was smashed to pieces.

Why can't you stifle?
[ Doorbell ringing ]

Get that, will ya, meathead?
'Cause I don't want
to look at nobody.

Geez, you've got
a wicked memory.

Merry Christmas, Mike.
Merry Christmas, everybody.

Oh. Don't tell me
you're delivering milk
on Christmas day there, wilbur.

Oh, no. This ain't
no delivery, Archie.

Oh. Well, then, what could you
possibly be here for?

Uh, well,
you see, Mrs. bunker,

when I come by yesterday,
you was out.

But I left the money for
our milk bill with Mrs. mcnab.
Didn't you get it?

Oh yeah, I got that money.
[ Edith ]
Oh, good.

Then what do you want?

It's, uh, a little bit
embarrassing having to ask,
if you know what I mean.

I know what he means.
I don't know
what he means.

Well, you know, it's that time
of year, ain't it?

When everybody's givin'.

Who's givin' me? Nobody.
I'm one of the guys
that gets took.

Nixon's worried about
wagin' price controls.

When's he gonna stick out
a little tip control?

I ain't asking for no raise.
Just the same tip as last year.

Oh, that's nice, Archie,
ain't it?
Yeah.

What a break for us, Edith.

You're gonna think it's nice
when the two of us are going
over the hill to the poor house.

[ Chuckles ]
That'll be the day.

With the kind of bonuses
your firm handed out this week.

Hey, wilbur, ain't your family
expectin' you home with them
on Christmas day?

Wait a second.
Archie's firm gave out bonuses?

Oh, yeah. Old man feeney
down the block told me
your boss...

Come through this Christmas
as usual.

Feeney's crazy.
There wasn't no bonus.

Are you kiddin'? I seen
the new vacuum cleaner...

Feeney bought his missus
with the bonus money.

Well, happy holiday,
everybody.
Bye, wilbur.

[ Door closes ]

Now, who you gonna believe?
Me, or a big-mouth milkman?

I'm tellin' ya, if feeney
got any extra money, it was
some back pay he had comin'...

Because the firm
didn't give out no bonus.

Well, then, why did wilbur
say that your boss came through
this year like he always does?

Yeah. I wonder how
Mrs. feeney's enjoying
her new vacuum cleaner.

Yeah, it's lucky for her
feeney got his bonus.

Ma, you'd enjoy one of
those new cannister cleaners.
They're very powerful.

Yeah. Great for picking up
big pine needles
from big Christmas trees.

Stop it! Stop it,
both of you, this minute.

If your father says
there was no bonus,
there was no bonus.

Yeah. Why don't youse, uh,
go on, help your mother clear
off the table or something.

Come on.

[ Carolers ]
♪ it came upon
a midnight clear ♪

aw, these singers
are going to drive me
out of my nut.

Get the hell away
from this door!

Uh--
merry Christmas.

Oh, merry Christmas,
sister there.

Uh, hold it. Hold it, will ya?
Hey, uh, hey, Edith,
will ya get your bag?

Yeah. How do you do, sister?

Here you are.
Merry Christmas.

Wait-wait a minute, Edith.
You know, we can do a little
better than half a buck.

Well, it's a dime anyway.
Bless you.

Good-bye.

Why do you leave me alone
like that to answer the door?

One thing I can't stand
about this time of the year,

everybody's out on the make,
including all your churches.

Ah, daddy, she was just
collecting for the needy.
Yeah.

I love the way
those children sang.

♪ It came upon
a midnight clear ♪

will you
stifle yourself, Edith.

I mean, just for a change,
can we have a little
silent night around here?

Oh, all right.
♪ silent night ♪
no, no. Edith.

You're scrapin' a nerve.

You know, I think when you was
a kid, somebody must have
dropped you on your throat.

Oh, look at this
back here.

Hey, get out from under
the mistletoe.
You're making it droop.

Archie, will you
quit being so sore?

Yeah, daddy, cheer up.
You're acting like scrooge.

Aw, don't "scrooge" me.

I'm the only one around here
that understands the true
and solemn meaning of Christmas.

Which is a time for peace
and quiet "contemptation."

Oh, but I think you're allowed
to be jolly too.

Sure you can be jolly,
Edith. Just be jolly
with your mouth shut.

Just sit there
and think.
Think what?

Don't be a dingbat, will ya?
Think. Think
religious thoughts.

Oh, drinking beer, daddy?
That's real religious.

What's the matter with that?

Geez, the Bible's full of wine.

No, God don't have
nothing against taking a drink
to celebrate his son's birthday.

Archie, there's no proof
that Jesus was God's son.
That's-that's fairy tales.

Aw, come on,
you meatheaded atheist you.

Gee. They don't give you
a holiday for fairy tales.

All over the world
they celebrate the birth
of that baby.

And everybody gets time off
from work.

Now if that ain't proof
that he's the son of God,
then nothing is.

Archie, I'm not saying that
a philosopher named Jesus
didn't live in those days.

I'm saying there was
no proof that he was
the son of God.

- Like I said, it's fairy tales.
- The Bible ain't fairy tales
there, meathead.

The Bible is facts all the way,
right from the beginning...

When God made the world
in seven days.
Six days, Archie.

Seven days, Edith.
No. On the seventh day
he rested.

Well, maybe half a day,
Edith,

but the other half
he went around checking
on what he'd done.

And he made us all
one true religion, Edith,
christians,

which he named after
his son, Christian.

Or Christ for short.

I never thought of that.

Certainly. That's the way
it was for a long time.
One religion.

Till they started
splittin' off into all them
other "denumerations" there.

Your catholics,
your "persbytarians."

Lutherans, et cetera,
et cetera.

But there's still only
one true religion to this day,
and that's his religion.

Of course, that's the one
you belong to, right, arch?

I'd be kind of stupid
if I didn't, wouldn't I?
[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, I tell you.
My heart goes out
to a lot of guys I know.

Yeah, they spend their lives
believin' one of them
offshoot religions, you know?

Sendin' their kids to them
there. Givin' 'em money.

Runnin' dances for them.
And then in the end
they get up there...

And they find out
they was foolin' around
with the wrong one all along.

That's sad, you know that?
[ Doorbell ringing ]

Hold it. Hold it.
Hold it, everybody.
I'm gonna get that.

There's gonna be
no more panhandlin'
from this door today.

Who are you?

It's me, Jefferson.

Oh, geez.
Well, how was I
supposed to know that?

It's Mr. Jefferson
dressed up like Santa.
Come in.

Hold it. Hold it.
There's more of them here.

[ All saying merry Christmas ]

Oh, I hope we are not
interrupting anything.

Oh, my, no.
You're very welcome.
[ Laughs ]

So you're supposed to be
Santa claus, are you?

Ho, ho, ho.

You look more like
a rabbi to me.

Oh, Henry is playing Santa
down at the youth center.

So we thought we'd drop by
on our way and leave this off.

I baked it myself.
Oh, look, Archie.
A lovely fruitcake.

Much obliged, Mrs. j.
Thank you, Louise.

Come on. Have some eggnog.
Look, Gloria.
Oh.

I see you go for
the latest thing
in Christmas trees.

Huh?
Yeah, the Japanese
dwarf species.

[ Mike ] Mr. Jefferson,
you want some eggnog?
Sure would. Thank you.

I hope it's not
too strong for ya.
Merry Christmas, neighbors.

[ All ]
Merry Christmas.

Oh, this is great eggnog,
Mr. bunker.

You ain't just
whistlin' Dixie there, Lionel.
Oh, I never do that.

Well, let's everybody
sit down and we'll have
a nice visit.

Yeah, yeah.
Come on. Come on.
Sit down, all of youse.

As long as youse are here
you might as well--
but not in my-- aw!

Is that a new coat,
Louise?
Yes, isn't it beautiful?

George gave it to me
for Christmas.
Oh.

I ain't seen your husband George
since you moved in there.

- What's he doing with himself?
- Well, he's home watching
the new tv we gave him.

[ Edith ]
It sounds like you're having
a wonderful Christmas.

[ Louise ]
We are.
And how did you do, Edith?

Oh, well, Archie got me
a lovely box of--

we all give ourselves kind of
personal items, Mrs. Jefferson.
We don't talk about them.

Come on, Louise.
I'll show you
what Archie gave me.

Now don't do that, Edith.
Oh, geez.

What's the matter, bunker?
You don't look too good.

What do you mean?
I feel fine.
I feel just fine.

But, while we're
on the subject of looks,

if you're gonna play
Santa claus, Santa claus
was white and so was his beard.

Told you he'd say that,
Uncle Henry.

That's ridiculous.
I'd look silly
with a white beard.

And who said Santa claus
was white?

Come on, now.
I had the same argument
with you about Jesus.

I hate to go over
old ground again,

but the fact is,
Jesus is white
and so is Santa claus.

Yeah? Let me tell you
something, bunker.
Yeah.

When I was a kid on Christmas
Eve, the guy that used to
fill my stocking was black.

- Let me tell you something--
- we ought to get going.

You know the kids
down at the center, Uncle Henry.
Let's go, ma.

Hey, Lionel,
can we go with you?
Yeah, sure. Come on.

Oh, great.
Ma, you don't mind,
do you? We won't be long.

No. Go right ahead.
Have a good time.

Thank you, Louise.
Merry Christmas.

Hey, bunker.
Peace.

Oh, geez.

Oh, Archie,
wasn't that nice?

Nice? What do you mean nice?
What's nice about it?

Guy comes into my house
dressed up like
a famous white person.

Sits in my chair.

Then he goes out
on Christmas day making
a pinko sign like that.

I didn't know peace
was pinko.

Aw, Edith. Listen, listen.
I wanted to tell you something.

What is it, Archie?

Well, it was about
that thing before--

you want to thank me
for understanding about
your Christmas bonus, don't you?

Why don't you never wait
for me to tell you nothing?

I want to thank you
for understanding about
my Christmas bonus.

See, I didn't want you
to think maybe I got the bonus
and blew it on something else,

or maybe I was like
too stingy to spend it,
you know?

Oh, I never thought that,
Archie.

I guessed that you didn't get
your bonus this year...

Because of that mistake
you made down at the plant.

- You guessed that, huh?
- Well, yeah.

I figured that when you sent
that shipment to London, england
instead of London, Ontario...

They kept your Christmas bonus
as a fine.

Yeah, see, they kept
my Christmas bonus as a fine.

Thank you
for telling me, Archie.

[ Sighs ]

Well, I guess it ain't such
a bad Christmas after all, huh?

Hi, mom.
Hi.
Did you have a good time?

Oh, yeah. It was great.
There must've been
kids down there.

Oh. Upstairs.
Yeah.
Where's daddy?

Is he in a better mood?
♪ deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ fa-la-la-la-la ♪
[ All ]
♪ la-la-la-la ♪

♪ 'tis the season to be jolly
fa-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ la-la-la ♪
get out of my chair,
meathead.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.